mylolita

Yay for reconnecting with old friends! Hopefully you two will keep in touch more and be able to support each other in the future as you both start your families.

 

Thanks Fudgie! It was really nice. Kind of nostalgic!

 

Lo x

Absolutely dragged myself out of bed this morning at the thought of getting into the office.

This weekend I've been a bit, well, secretly down. I haven't mentioned anything to D, I don't want to worry him, but I think he knows anyway. I can feel it's unsaid.

It's pathetic really, the worst case I've had in years. I've holed myself up in our bedroom and worn the same dusk pink baseball top for 3 days straight. Thats right - Friday night I slept in it after some friends stayed over, then I got washed but put it back on underneath a chunky grey knit jumper which then my friends new puppy had a chew on at the sleeve, then slept in it again, then woke up in it on Sunday morning and just felt like staying in bed and sleeping the whole day. Disgusting. I wanted to shut the world out and snuggle up to D for 24 hours in my soft, new baseball top. So, I kind of did.

We woke up late (9pm) and he had put on an episode of 90210. I know - it's pathetic right? He knows I've been obsessing over that show for two weeks now. It's been a kind of mental escape for me when I come home from work, I watch at least two episodes and I can get lost in low IQ, High School drama and skinny female legs. D put his arm around me and watched episode after episode with me. I made him breakfast in between, we stopped to have a lovely little round of sex and then went back to 90210 again munching on bread sticks. It started to get dark outside and we'd watched about 12 episodes?! Maybe more?! Anyway, D just smiled and said we should order pizza.

So I did nothing all day apart from lounge in bed, make a bit of food in between, hump my husband and put a load of washing in the washing machine. I didn't even shower last night. This is crazy for me because I am almost OCD hygienic. I felt like none of it mattered. I just wanted to shut the world outside away, shut my thoughts out and lay in bed in a nest with D.

Am I mildly depressed? I think so. Kind of. I hate to say it and I definitely don't want to admit it. I'm feeling a little down and I'm hoping it'll pass.

It reminds me of a picture Derren Brown has recently posed on Twitter about Depression. It depicts someone depressed hiding underneath pillows. His friend asks, "Whats wrong?" Pillow hider says, "I don't know." Then the friend says, "Can I come in with you?" and they both just hide together under the nest of pillows.

I guess it's saying that when it comes to being sad, it's sometimes not just one obvious thing thats the cause and there is no direct answer. I guess it often just takes a friend or loved one to be there for that person. D was there for me yesterday. Nothing was discussed and we had no deep conversations or 'let's get into life' talks.' I feel better and more rested from just having him be there for me all that time when I'm sure he would of rather done a million other things. I love him so much.

In other news, I went to see an old friend who I'd grown distant from on Saturday. She'd just got a new Labrador puppy who is SO CUTE! He loved me straight away. Definitely made a new friend there.

Anyway, we really re-connected. She'd acted off at my wedding and had been avoiding me for a little while which caused me to back off and then think we no longer had nothing in common. It turns out after Saturday that we have more in common than all my other friends put together.

She's doing a very similar admin job to me at a very similar company and has exactly the same issues as me with the role. She's getting married next year but has bought a house. We got married last year but want to buy a house this year. And the revelation of the whole thing was she told me after they got married next year her and J want to seriously start trying for a baby.

This blew me away in the best way possible! I felt so overwhelmingly happy for them!

It took me aback because I could relate to her so much. Me and D feel exactly the same way. Once we get a house we will definitely start trying for a family. In fact, we're both madly broody now, let alone a year down the line. Suddenly she is the only person my age who is on the same page and life path as me. I didn't feel so alone and it felt great.

Only a few month's ago she was adamant that she would never start a family until she was at least 30, but this change was so genuine in her it really made me glow. She looked so happy.

It made me realise that I'm waiting and in limbo and have been for years. All the dissatisfaction, all the 'cross roads' feelings, all the not knowing what I'm doing has been because I'm simply waiting until we can get a house so we can start a family. Me and D are both waiting for that. My office job, it's so temporary and it's not what I want because what I want is a family and to be a mother.

There, I said it. And I only properly realised what I've been thinking all along when a friend said it out loud and made me realise I've wanted the same thing for years.

Lo x

Hey Fudgie,

It really means a lot to have you believe in me. Sometimes I don't always need advice, just support. Thats what D does a lot. Often, if he knows I'm feeling down, he'll just crack a joke and then ask me what I'd like to do all day. If it's stay in bed and watch a marathon of 90210, then he'll do it with me, if it's going for a walk, he'll happily come along. I guess the people in our lives who love us just want us to be happy no matter what. It's a really gorgeous feeling - the most luxurious experience I have ever had!

They are called a Honda Jazz here in the UK, yes! Funky little cars! Hope your hunting experience with your dad went well?

Lo x

Really enjoyed having a drive out, getting lost and just zoning out enjoying a few streets I've never been down before.

God, I love driving. I swear once I get my confidence up in the new car I will be a total petrol head. I just love my baby! I guess passing my driving test and then never driving for 4 years makes me an even newer driver than I would have been getting a car straight after getting my license. It's been a bit jerky and a bit rubbish for D having to sit in with me, but my first week driving myself to work has been terrifying but very freeing. I LOVE IT!

I can't wait to make more mix CD's for the car. I realise I could do the whole link my iPhone up and the blue tooth thing but, there's something about having an actual CD that I love. I like the way it gently sucks the CD in when you feed it into the player. Ahhh, simple pleasures!

Now I'm waiting for D to get back so that we can hit the gym and then go out to eat after. Saturday night - it ain't all bad really.

Lo x

F**k.

I need to go to the post office for work because of this stupid parcel... too long and too boring a story to go into. Oh, it's snowing as well, not just snowing but a blizzard with whistling wind. Some girls even screamed outside because it was coming down so hard.

Part of me really digs extreme weather (as long as I don't have to do much in it!).

One of my favourite and most exhilarating experiences I've ever had was flying through a lighting storm. The way the sky was this dark navy - beautiful! It took my breath away. I felt calm as well, it wasn't scary at all.

The whole living room suddenly went black and I looked at the sky and behold - SNOW! First snow. No white Christmas but a white January. I guess a baseball top and a denim shirt aren't going to cut it out there. I'll have to break out the knitted polo neck and get a quilted coat on.

Work is really doing my f*****g head in, excuse the expression. Everyone is SO negative at the moment. Other people complaining about other peoples work, what they're doing, how they're not working, how other people take too many breaks, blah blah blah. Who gives a s**t?! Unless it affects you, why complain that so and so took 15 extra minutes on his lunch break because he had to pick up some medicine?! Is it really worth moaning about and cursing over and then causing everyone else to snow ball into a massive rant about everything under the sun including how messy their house is because of their kids? Don't want to hear it! Don't care!

People say it a lot, but they always compliment me on how up beat and happy I am, or how I 'bring the place up.' Honestly, I get tired of feeling like it's my sole job to change the subject, crack a joke and lighten the mood. It's not my responsibility everyones too concerned with everyone else's business.

ARGH!

God, it's the weekend and I can't stop thinking about work. Shut up Lo! Get a grip! Get to the post office in the blizzard you fanny!

Goinggggggggg x

Hi Fudgie,

Yes he is my first everything! First kiss, first guy I lost my virginity too, etc. It's strange but although that makes him very special to me, I know D feels the same way and I am definitely not his first anything!

My husband is not the first time I have ever been in love though. I was obsessed with a guy in college who after about two years of silent admiring asked me out. All my dreams came true and I couldn't say yes. I was so nervous. Looking back now, being 15 at the time, I knew I wasn't ready for what I wanted. We parted ways and I never see him now, but he was my first love in that respect, although we never did anything physical apart from him holding my hand! Ha!

I really admire your strength Fudgie - you come accross very level headed, hard working, caring, wise and stable. I envy you in a massive way! I wish I had more of your qualities. Honestly though, if my husband were to die tomorrow or leave me, I know for a fact I couldn't function.

Have you ever heard about elderly life long married couples where one dies and then the other dies soon after? They say it's due to a broken heart. I've never been in that situation of course, but I feel like I can relate to it. I feel like I'd die inside!

I do agree that I need to find new passions... all my energy is just not getting focused on anything productive apart from a 9 - 5 job which is a total drag and a load of stress, cleaning, going out for drinks and meals out, taking long baths, and seeing friends. I might go to the gym now and then. I have no other hobbies apart from dancing which, I do off my own back but I don't exactly have anywhere to erect a pole in our flat

I really like the idea of meditation and the blank slate you talk about. I am going to try it tonight. I'll try anything at the moment, I feel pretty low and dull.

Thanks Fudgie.

Lo x

I miss D.

He's been away for two nights and I always get down when he's away. Okay yeah I know, bring on the judgement, my husband obviously is my only source of happiness and I die without him... well, it's kind of true, I do. Maybe I am obsessive, possessive, crazy... maybe I'm just head over heels in love, but I do know when he's away, I don't feel whole and I don't think thats a bad thing. As Moschic's atmospheric song is titled - 'My Life Is For You' which, it is. It really is.

I would never admit it to D's face, it's unspoken between us, but I live for him. Coming home from a bad day at the office when nothing's gone right and I'm messing everything up, making stupid mistakes, making clumsy mistakes, making a fool out of myself, I know that no matter what anyone else thinks, when I walk in to him waiting for me at work to pick me up as a surprise, he thinks I'm the smartest, sweetest and most beautiful thing. I look at him and I know without a word that he adores me.

Some colleagues at the office were discussing how they don't believe in marriage and how they're not bothered about it. I can only say that when you meet the right person, all you want to do is spend the rest of your life with them - you couldn't think of anything otherwise. It can be no other way. It doesn't exactly mean you need a religious ceremony or even to get officially married but, you want some solid commitment. It only seems obvious to me.

Sometimes I feel when I'm in this 9 to 5 haze, I float in my own world separate from everyone and everything else. I'm not really 'there'. I'm distracted. I just want to get home and come home to D and close the door on the rest of the world and the traffic and the expectations and the noise behind me.

If I were a poet, I would write a poem. Or if I were a musician, I would write a song. But I have no way of expressing how I feel. I can't quite describe it. I feel like maybe all this journal, all this talk, is a groping to try and find the perfect sentence that just somehow sums it all up, exactly how I want it to be, exactly how I feel it. I've wrote and scribbled thoughts down as a habit since I can remember, but in all my 25 years I still haven't even come close to putting into words how I feel.

How can I tell anyone how I love my husband? How can I describe the drugged horror of a nightmare and the brief second of waking that follows when I think it may of been true? How can I put into words the grey staleness that hangs over me when I'm sat on the couch by myself watching TV with no purpose? It's all so unspeakable and indescribable. All I can do is clutch at verbal straws.

This all sounds very morbid I know... I guess I'm feeling a little down. I don't know. How does anyone settle? Does anyone ever settle? I feel deep down it must be an illusion and a mass lie. Do people ever stop being restless? Do their minds turn off like a light switch to perfect calm? How do you mute your own thoughts?

I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. And that is very frustrating, because up to now I've always eventually got what I want, and I can't seem to get this.

Lo x

One of my favourite songs lyrically and just for it's gorgeous sonic beauty is Nat King Cole's 'Nature Boy'. So, without further delay, here you go:

There was a boy

A very strange enchanted boy

They say he wandered very far

Very far, over land and sea

A little shy and sad of eye

But very wise was he

And then one day, a magic day

He passed my way, and while we spoke

Of many things, fools and kings

This he said to me

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return"

I've been down and

I'm wondering why

These little black clouds

Keep walking around

With me

With me

It wastes time

And I'd rather be high

Think I'll walk me outside

And buy a rainbow smile

But be free

They're all free

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life

Been the upperside of down

Been the inside of out

But we breathe

We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind

I wanna swim in the ocean

Wanna take my time for me

All me

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

So maybe tomorrow

I'll find my way home

- Stereophonics, 'Maybe Tomorrow'

Maybe I should have saved those left over dreams

Funny, but here's that rainy day

Here's that rainy day they told me about

And I laughed at the thought that it might turn out this way

Where is that worn out wish that I threw aside?

After it brought my lover near

It's funny how love becomes a cold rainy day

Funny, that rainy day is here

Funny how love becomes a cold rainy day

Funny, that rainy day is here

- Nancy Wilson

Ahahahahaha I KNOW about this!!! Lol

 

It's a good resolution...but not one that's likely to be kept

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Faraday... you know me too well!

Lo x

My New Year mantra:

Thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop, thou shalt not online shop (even if there is a damn good sale) thou shalt not online shop.

Having a bit of a funny mood swing today and I'm not sure if it can be explained away like the usual turn about in attitude.

I was watching a corny American drama series today which I've got pretty hooked on (I get obsessed over things that tickle my fancy in a guilty pleasure kind of way) and there was a girl on there who found out she was bipolar. Kind of got me remembering a moment I had a few years ago when I first heard the term. I Googled it and was pretty horrified by what I read because I related to most of the symptoms.

When I lived at home my younger sister who I have always had a rocky relationship with once accused me of being bipolar and a narcissist. Truth be told, I will do anything to protect my own ego and sense of self, I admit that to anyone and I think a lot more people need to admit it to themselves, because I recognise what I feel is a very common, very normal human trait in a lot more people who care to acknowledge it. Well, being a narcissist, I think that was too far and looking back, it was said in the heat of anger and I realise it was meant to hurt me and hit me where I lived (which when I was 16 was pretty much on Lola Land), but bipolar?

The only other time this was thrown at me or even hinted at was again in the heat of an argument with my longest friend and best friend. We'd never argued and two years ago had a heated blow up via text (how immature, I know). She didn't say the big bad 'B' word, but she did say "I can't stand your moods anymore!" She then went on to say I'm up then at the drop of the hat suddenly I'm down and really negative and hate everything I praised only yesterday. It's weird but it struck a chord with me and the word which was never spoken bubbled into the front of my mind after I read our vicious texts.

Did the truth come out only once my sister and best friend were so angry with me they blurted it out?

With or without being genuinely bipolar, I am without a doubt an absolute slave to my emotions - but isn't any human? Is me thinking this is normal a sign that it's not and has become normal for me? I can say for certain I have been this way since I can remember, at least when I was very young, say five or six at least.

So what makes me tick? Not my heart, thats for sure. My mind ticks and it's erratic. It runs me down and is constantly on a 100mph reel of mad, anxious, happy, horrible, jealous, elated, busy, loving or passionate thoughts. I can't turn it off and it never stops. Sometimes everything seems to slow down and rare calm is upon me. I often want to be alone but this is not the answer as I have found being alone only makes a bad mood even worse... more time to think I guess, less distractions and I become self indulgent, wallowing in self pity. Part of me even glamorises my way of thinking and partially enjoys the idea of being a bit wired. Am I inflated with self importance? Do I think this out of synch way of thinking makes me special? It's stopped me functioning like a normal human being many a time, the absolute worst was when I found myself walking the wrong way down a dual carriageway because I had stormed out of work due to drama caused by myself and my own stupid mind that D no longer loved me and that he was secretly after his ex. I must of looked so psyched out and be-drazzled that a stranger who had drove past me had turned around to meet me on a later road to pull up and ask me if I was okay and needed any help. Crazy territory right there, and it still lurks to only re-surface now on rare occasions when I feel my self control slipping and the smile dropping away. The feeling is horrific but also strangely freeing. I also get this rushing emotion that used to appear whenever I was in one of my 'self-sabotaging' moods. Those were the worst and most damaging, not just to me, but to those I love, especially D.

So where am I going with all of this? It's the New Year - a time of reflection? Since I'm all about reflection, I can't STAND New Year, because it puts me into reflection over-drive. Every day is already like New Years day for me! When the actual f*****g day is here, it's like my worst day ever. I'm in fifth gear reflection right now, it's not pretty.

How do I manage to hold it altogether if I am really crazy or emotionally unstable and seem to have such a semi-normal and regular existence without medication and therapy? I'm not sure. My only conclusion is that I really don't need all that and I'm actually normal but just a bit highly strung, as D would say, uptight.

Ever seen Ferris Bewler's Day Off? I'm Cameron. I'm like a weird mix of Cameron from Ferris Bewler's Day Off, Baby from Dirty Dancing and Monica from Friends (only the OCD clean part, I can't cook for s**t), all mixed in with a stripper past and nudist tendencies. It makes for maybe a little odd personality, yet most people think I'm normal and seem to really like me and get along with me.

I'm not going to lie, I have a hard time making friends. I look back and see all the misinterpreted opportunities of extended friendship; people asking me to do things, people asking me out, people inviting me to join certain things, and I instantly presume they're just being polite and really don't want me there. Now I re-visit those moments in my head and realise people were just being nice, and it was I that gave them the snub and then wondered why people eventually stopped asking.

I have a high demanding, picky attitude to friendship. It's hard work for me and the person who's my friend. I'm hard on myself and often I'm hard on other people too, not to their faces, but just in the way I think. I feel incompatible with a lot of people and it frustrates me how others seem to so easily hit it off and develop a huge circle of friends that they're cool with. I'm easily irritated even though I never let it show to the average joe or even my friends. A friend can do something and I'll be irritated by it for months and won't forgive the offence for just the same amount of time. It's awful, a major bad habit.

How doth one relax and stay chill?!?

I sometimes wish I could un-plug my brain. I would charge it up during the night to have peaceful sleep free of nightmares (I have nightmares often, at least a few times a week). I could plug it in all refreshed and lovely for the day and I could rely on it to do it's job and keep everything flowing nicely whilst I kicked back and enjoyed the day instead of seeing 24 hours as a series of challenges for me to overcome.

Please, I'm ranting and I'm tired, so tomorrow I know I will regret everything I have typed here in a huge crank and look back at this all and whole heartedly want to take it back because I will realise I was just in a massive funk. I have to keep this all straight though, so right now I am realising this is rubbish and a normal person would probably now delete this whole passage after coming to the slow realisation they are ranting, but I'm just going to press enter and leave you with a line from a song I don't like but I particularly like the line Y'ALL:

Mad cos I'm so fresh fresher than you fresher than you

x

Trying to shake this head cold before I start work again on Monday. Dreading Monday. Monday, Mondayyyyy.

I have a lot to do today and my mental list looks like this:

- Practise driving more (for at least an hour, go over my work route with D, etc)

- Go food shopping

- Head into the city for some bits and bobs D's been after

- Change and wash the bed sheets

- Go to the post office

- Write up my notes for work

- Go to the gym with D

And it's now nearly 2 and I haven't even got in the shower yet! Oh my god, shock horror. It's taken ages to get all the Christmas decorations down and I kind of like the fresh feel you get after all the rustic trinkets are gone and all your tops are dusted and sparkling. It feels fresh and ready for Spring.

My New Years Resolution's are as follows:

- Save some money

- Stop stressing out

- Be a good wife

- Be a better person

- Stop obsessively online shopping

- Get more organised

Signing off,

Lo x

Trying to shake this head cold before I start work again on Monday. Dreading Monday. Monday, Mondayyyyy.

I have a lot to do today and my mental list looks like this:

- Practise driving more (for at least an hour, go over my work route with D, etc)

- Go food shopping

- Head into the city for some bits and bobs D's been after

- Change and wash the bed sheets

- Go to the post office

- Write up my notes for work

- Go to the gym with D

And it's now nearly 2 and I haven't even got in the shower yet! Oh my god, shock horror. It's taken ages to get all the Christmas decorations down and I kind of like the fresh feel you get after all the rustic trinkets are gone and all your tops are dusted and sparkling. It feels fresh and ready for Spring.

My New Years Resolution's are as follows:

- Save some money

- Stop stressing out

- Be a good wife

- Be a better person

- Stop obsessively online shopping

- Get more organised

Signing off,

Lo x

What an awesome surprise Good husband, he can stay

 

Enjoy your new wheels. Cars make life so much easier.

I know right!

Thanks Faraday - he's a real keeper!

x

Merry Belated Christmas!

I hope everyone had a good one. I was just the most spoilt-estttttt girl in the whole wide world because D only went and bought me a CAR!

I'll rewind a smidge and say my festivities and flurry of gifts started on my Birthday (18th December), where I had a huge red velvet cake (one of my favourites!) and a gorgeous bunch of winter flowers from work. My best friend Z dropped round and so generously gave me a beautiful two tone grey and white purse with a laaavely gold clasp and some tea lights in the shape of multi-coloured flowers. She so does know how I love a good candle!

D took me shopping on the night and let me have a mooch around the larger shops. I went into Top Shop which I haven't been in for maybe half a year since all my shopping is the impulsive online type, and instantly this beautiful and very classy powder blue jumpsuit caught my eye. I tried it on, got a compliment from a very cute stranger and that sealed the deal (plus, D said my ass looked good in it so, it was kind of a gift for him as well right?).

More candles, chocolates and a glamorous pair of dark purple chino's from my sister and that completed a very spoilt Birthday, all made extra delightful by the fact Christmas decorations shone everywhere.

Me and D don't really push the boat out when it comes to each other and Christmas, although he has gone and said don't spend more than £50 on me and then sprung some truly amazing presents on me, the naughty boy! But this year I was greeted by a tiny package wrapped really badly by my darling husband which turned out to be keys to a FIAT 500 LOUNGE!!! With a glass sun roof and cream leather interior! OH BABY!

No more lifts to work, lots more freedom. Only glitch is I passed my test 4 years ago and never drove because I never got a car. So... I'm kind of rusty. D's been out with me all week and I've been trying to get as much driving in with him before I'm left to journey it alone for the route to work on Monday the 5th January.

I cannot tell you how lucky I am! Yay yay yay!!! So I drive us all the way to London tomorrow to start our New Years Eve trip off which is a huge journey but, hopefully everything will be fine. It's truly a pleasure to own and drive. I'm pretty bowled over.

In between Christmas and now I got the flu which wasn't very fun and I'm still at the tail end of it which is typical - you're off work then you get sick - but I guess I've had a day or two just monging out in front of the tv which is a massive luxury I never indulge in. Anyone who knows me will say I never just sit for hours and watch TV on the couch, but I did (minus nipping to the kitchen to make hot lemon and put the washing machine on, etc) but really, it was pretty still and lounge lizard like for me. I felt like a little kid off school again, minus the ice lollies my mum used to make for my sore throat.

This is really a touch base for myself and a 'get back into writing' post because with Christmas and seeing so much family I feel like I've hardly had time to just chill and think about writing a few thoughts down.

I'm feeling like this is a factual post and it's definitely not my style but, I've got to pack a weekend bag and I'm feeling grotty so I can't be bothered with a flurry of descriptions on how I really feel with some flash backs for good measure. I'm fine and things are well.

I will say, after my Christmas diet of sausage rolls, chocolate, crisps, chocolate and more chocolate, my stomach is saying no. I dare not weigh myself but I know I've put on a few pounds which isn't nice for my waist line and also isn't nice for my nude modelling which will be starting again and soon. I'm in a hurry to start eating better. Tried yesterday and today and the end conclusion was, I did okay, not perfect or really well, but okay. Ate pretty healthy. Just need to get back to the gym.

Although I love winter and Christmas, part of me is really looking forward to the summer now.

Gonna hit the hay soon and turn off all the fairy lights.

Night,

Lo x

Hey Fudgie,

Good point - bitter is definitely an unattractive quality plus it puts real wrinkes on your face - ha!

I'm recently finding a kind of silent comfort in getting older. I was at mine and D's favourite restaurant and we were sat down in a section where the tables are really close together. I could overhear these younger kids (kids... kids??!) who looked about 16 - 17 chatting away and ing and gossiping. I looked at their kind of young fashion... ripped jeans and band t-shirts and even though I still wear ripped jeans in the summer (I'm cool like that, obviously), I just realised that I don't care about my appearance quite as much as I used too. Only a teenager can be truly obsessed with their appearance in that unique, teenage way. Part of me will always miss it, but the attention to fashion and all the trends is something I still watch but I don't feel like I have to follow anymore. I don't feel the need to stand out and wear vintage clothes like I used too, in order to be part of a niche or a "type" in school. Now I go out in a cream slouch jumper and a pair of jeans and I'm okay with that and I guess thats my way of maturing up a bit, stupid as it sounds.

I know where you're coming from on the toy front. There are these dolls out at the moment, something like Scream High School or Terror High School, something like that, and they look like Bratz dolls but they're vampires or half animals or zombies all in fish net tights and ty clothing. I love them! DYING to collect them, secretly because I wish they'd been out when I was 10.

x

itsallgrand & faraday - thank you for the Happy Birthday! Really sweet!

It's midnight and my brain is wired to write but I'm not in the mood.

Usually in times like these I would rattle off something about my childhood or run back and forth with any old idea that came into my head whilst just letting my fingers move accross the keyboard in a frenzy whilst I let whatever sprung into the forefront of my mind into this journal.

I must say, sometimes the things in life that are most important to me leave me speechless. I have no real words to describe how I feel right now. I'm literally at the crossroads of my life. Or, as Pocahontas would say, at two different rivers (cue the scene with her in the canoe, it's cool, her necklace - I always wanted it).

Anyway, this middle of the road thing, this kind of half way house between 20 and 30, is freaking me the hell out so much that I am silent. I am strangely calm about this whole thing, whilst not being calm at all. I seem unaffected, but I know I am.

I'm gabbing, truly, I'm sorry about this. It's late, I'm so tired, and D's coming out of the shower soon. I'm clinging onto the last minutes of some stupid idea that tomorrow I will be leaving youth and sweet things behind to wake up to responsibility and all the draining and tying things I see people down trodden with in life.

You know, I have hardly ever met a happy adult. It's strange. Adults are so pessimistic. They seem to loose the wanderlust and imagination a child has. All creativity is traded in for realism. Get real. It's time to get real, thats what adults like to say.

I still feel like that little girl looking out of the nursery window, and I don't think that makes me childish. When the clock strikes five I'm still running away from one institution or another.

God, what a load of drivel. I'm tired and there's no excuse. I'm monologuing back to my childhood like I said I wouldn't. Typical.

'Life can be cruel if you're a dreamer'.

Oh, and turning 25 tomorrow as well. Ha.

Lo x

Today was my last day being 24 and I didn't realise it until 11pm.

Tomorrow I will no longer be in my early twenties... I will (horrifically) by in my MID TWENTIES. The only pro I can see out of this whole thing is that I officially get to indulge in a quarter life crisis and can stop going through a practise quarter life crisis. Believe me, I have had plenty of practise.

I would like to document my un-eventful, un-realised till the last minute last day in my early twenties as follows:

6am - woke up to anxiety and a rush of adrenaline because I realised I'd messed up the day before at work and would have to face consequences.

6.30am - struggled with the idea of getting out of bed whilst the whole world was still pitch black. Started visualising my happy place of a Viking hut (I KNOW, BIZARRE... I can even smell the charred wood of an old fire pit).

7am - still struggling with this thing called 'Getting Your Freakin' Ass Out Of Bed!' Rolled over and curled up into a really warm, very cosy ball. This level of comfort never happens when I'm trying to get to sleep at the beginning of the night.

7.30am - really need to start putting the thinking about getting up into practise.

7.35am - D rolls over and is awake and cuddling me. Best surprise morning sex happens and all my anxiety suddenly vanishes for the duration of our hot and heavy quicky.

8am - mad rush to get in the shower. Bird bath shower happens, not the full 15 minute one I like.

8.15am - make-up on and chucking products in my bag that I won't need or use all day until the next morning.

8.25am - steam iron the right shoulder of my shirt whilst it's still on me because I see a crease. It's pin stripe, white and pale pink. Puts me in a good mood and I've never worn it to the office before so it makes me happy and the day better for some stupid reason.

8.35am - lift comes and I make small talk that I don't want to make because I'm half asleep and naturally anti-social.

8.50am - get into work and look at the massacre on my desk of paper work and all over naughty un-organisation. Stress levels rise but I'm still smiling and chirpily make everyone a cup of joe.

9.15am - my boss arrives and her stress head mood throws the whole vibe down.

1pm - morning at work was boring and a nag, but we're half way there people and lunch is ready. Yes. A de-frosted bag of frozen vegetable rice and a cup of soup. Good job someone bought me a doughnut because I have that on the side and put pepper on the rice. Its not too bad for a chuck in the bag lunch.

5pm - the afternoon was merciful and D is waiting to take me late night Christmas shopping.

8pm - I realise it's my Birthday tomorrow and this is my last day being 24. Kind of melancholy, like I'm saying goodbye to an old friend who I might see again but when I do, they'll be changed.

8.30pm - D buys me the most beautiful powder blue jump suit for my Birthday tomorrow chosen by mwah. I have decided I'm going to wear it to my works meal out on Friday. Maybe. Makes a change from wearing a dress.

10.40pm - come in to find the flat is a state and I invited everyone round tomorrow night for a quiet drink. Debating whether to set my alarm earlier in order to clean up before work so I don't have to do it in a rush tomorrow night before everyone gets here.

11.42pm - write in my journal about my last day of being 24 whilst the shower is running and I'm sat on the bathroom floor because I feel like it. Nothing eventful, just another day melting into months that bleed into years. Where does the time go? I'm too young to be 25!!!! I don't feel it, I don't look it and I don't act it. WHY ME? I never signed up for this. I refuse. Tomorrow, I will be turning 21 again.

Peace out.

Lo x

Many's the time I ran with you down.

The rainy roads of our old town.

Many the lives we lived in each day,

and buried altogether.

Don't laugh at me.

Don't look away.

You'll follow me back,

with the sun in your eyes,

and on your own,

bedshaped,

and legs of stone.

You'll knock on my door,

and up we'll go,

in white light,

I don't think so.

But what do I know?

What do I know?

I know.

I know you think I'm holding you down,

and I've fallen by the wayside now.

And I don't understand the same things as you,

but I do.

Don't laugh at me.

Don't look away.

You'll follow me back,

with the sun in your eyes,

and on your own,

bedshaped,

and legs of stone.

You'll knock on my door,

and up we'll go,

in white light,

I don't think so.

But what do I know?

What do I know?

I know.

And up we'll go,

in white light,

I don't think so.

But what do I know?

What do I know?

I know.

But what do I know? What do I know?

I know.

- 'Bedshaped', Keane.

And I will also add that I think you should stick it out at least 1 YEAR at your job, because then at least if you hate it, it'll look more respectable on your resume. A year looks at least like you put in some time -- whereas a few months reads as "quitter." So if you're going to end up not liking it, at least make it count for something, make it worth your while.

Hi tiredofvampires,

In reply to your response, again, I don't mean to sound rude but this journal is mostly personal rambling and I'm not asking for advice, even though I had a bad, hormone fuelled week (ha!), but I'll give my thoughts on some things you've mentioned.

I have a large sense of dissatisfaction with my life at the moment, even though I am hugely happy with a lot of it (my relationship, our apartment, material things, plenty of money, etc). Truly, my dissatisfaction doesn't come from not sticking with anything or the fact that my husband (mostly) supported me for two years. My unhappiness comes from the fact that I'm not true to myself.

Me, sitting at a desk doing admin, is not me. It's not what I'm good at and it's not what makes me happy. So I'm unhappy with it. And the thing I hate the most is dishonestly, especially when I'm dishonest with myself, and sitting at that desk saying I like it is a blatant lie to myself, which in turn makes my stomach churn.

I really miss the 'old me' - you know, the me that did everything you're not supposed to do. I feel like I'm always fighting against my own nature, every day. I'm a slave more and more to how I should be and not what I actually am. This makes me sad and I wrestle with my decision to be more 'adult' everyday.

You know, you seem to know a bit about science, so I'm sure you're familiar with evolution.

In basic terms and in my own mind, I always view evolution as a trade off. So, you have an animal that can run very fast, but for one pro you get a con - maybe there is a weakness in the legs in order to create the speed, etc. It's about finding the perfect balance in survival.

The old me was impulsive, in touch with her emotions to the extreme, a slave to her emotions and did what she wanted. This meant, a lot of freedom and satisfaction, gratification, fun, my ego was protected. But the con is no stability, especially no mental stability. I always felt like I was never in one place for long and therefore wasn't rooted. Sometimes it's great being able to tap into that inner impulsive, selfish and almost childish ability. Other times, it's completely un-compatible with everyday, normal life.

Basically, I'm trying to find a balance. I'm in the process of training myself from being a natural flitter - you know, the type of person who's great fun and high energy but crashes every now and then or does something totally weird or crazy due to a mix of anxiety and the complete dedication to the avoidance of anything emotionally uncomfortable and testing. This journal is a kind of record of a struggle with myself, which is something that most people face everyday, if they were honest with themselves. No ones perfect.

On the topic of my husband again, who is, undeniably, yes, my life. I'm not even going to go there really or even try to change that. Have you ever been so in love with someone that you couldn't think of living without them and you always think about them? Thats me and my husband. I can't change it, it's chemical and beyond my control. If I take up a sewing class or decide to go help homeless children I'm still going to be fantasising of the next time I can feel his hands on my waist and turn the lights down low.

Hands up, I'm guilty and happily jailed by love, and frankly, I don't want to change that. He's one of the only things I truly care about, and thats just love. I can't change it even if I tried. Emotionally I need him. There are a hundred love songs, poems, romance novels that back me up on this very common, human feeling. I write about it a lot because hell, I'm an old romantic and he's the person that makes me happy in my life. Shoes, cars, money... it's all very nice, but love makes me happy. You get some pain with love, you're going to miss your 'soul mate' - animals pine for their masters and owls who mate for life have been known to stand in a mournful daze in the middle of a road if their partner gets run over. I would be waiting for the headlights. I'm a slave to love and I enjoy the chains!

Can I physically survive without him, financially and emotionally? I have done before, and there was a time before I knew him and I was happy but in a very different way. He needs me in exactly the same way... it's just the way we are, thats the nature of our love. If it's right or wrong I don't know, I don't feel qualified enough to judge. But I love him and thats all that matters to me at this moment in time. My job satisfaction is insignificant compared to how I feel about him.

With regards to my boss and the religiously toned 'life is planned' thing - I do get what you're saying. I've never believed in free will. I'm no physics student and I sucked really big b***s at science, but I will say science proves no such thing as free will even exists.

I can do my own extracts, and here's one of mine from a favourite film of mine called Waking Life which you may also find interesting and which I agree with whole heartedly:

"In a way, in our contemporary world view, it's easy to think that science has come to take the place of God, but some philosophical problems remain as troubling as ever. Take the problem of free will. This problem has been around for a long time, since before Aristotle in 350 BC. St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, these guys all worried about how we can be free if God already knows in advance everything you're gonna do. Nowadays, we know that the world operates according to some fundamental physical laws, and these laws govern the behaviour of every object in the world. Now, these laws, because they're so trustworthy, they enable incredible technological achievements. But look at yourself: we're just physical systems too, right? We're just complex arrangements of carbon molecules; we're mostly water, and our behaviour isn't gonna be an exception to these basic physical laws. So it starts to look like whether it's God, setting things up in advance and knowing everything you're gonna do, or whether it's these basic physical laws governing everything, there's not a lot of room left for freedom.

So now you might be tempted to just ignore the question, ignore the mystery of free will. Say 'Oh, well, it's just a historical anecdote; it's sophomoric; it's a question with no answer; just forget about it;' but the question keeps staring you right in the face. You think about individuality for example, who you are. Who you are is mostly a matter of the free choices that you make. Or take responsibility: you can only be held responsible, you can only be found guilty, or you can only be admired or respected for things you did of your own free will. So the question keeps coming back, and we don't really have a solution to it. It starts to look like all our decisions are really just a charade.

Think about how it happens. There's some electrical activity in your brain. Your neurons fire. They send a signal down into your nervous system. It passes along down into your muscle fibers. They twitch. You might, say, reach out your arm. It looks like it's a free action on your part, but every one of those, every part of that process is actually governed by physical law, chemical laws, electrical laws, and so on.

So now it just looks like the Big Bang set up the initial conditions, and the whole rest of human history, and even before, is really just the playing out of subatomic particles according to these basic fundamental physical laws. We think we're special; we think we have some kind of special dignity; but that now comes under threat. I mean, that's really challenged by this picture.

So you might be saying, 'Well—wait a minute—what about quantum mechanics? I know enough contemporary physical theory to know it's not really like that. It's really a probabilistic theory; there's room; it's loose; it's not deterministic; and that's going to enable us to understand free will.' But if you look at the details it's not really going to help because what happens is you have some very small quantum particles, and their behavior is apparently a bit random—they swerve. Their behavior is absurd in the sense that it's unpredictable and we can't understand it based on anything that came before. It just does something out of the blue, according to a probabilistic framework. But is that going to help with freedom? I mean, should our freedom be just a matter of probabilities, just some random swerving in a chaotic system? That starts to seem like it's worse. I'd rather be a gear in a big deterministic physical machine than just some random swerving.

So we can't just ignore the problem: we have to find room in our contemporary worldview for persons with all that that entails. Not just bodies, but persons, and that means trying to solve the problem of freedom, finding room for choice and responsibility, and trying to understand individuality."

To summarise, I have to feel like life is what I make it or frankly, I'll go insane thinking nothing I do is not even partly within my control. I have to live with the illusion of free will. Do I honestly believe we have free will? Not really. Do I believe there is a religious plan or someone who has a plan for me, personally, and my little life? Definitely not. And I think this is the tone in which my boss originally said it.

Lo x

Hi chickadee,

Gosh, where to start!

Okay, so I'll just begin by saying this journal of mine is a personal splurge fest, a therapeutic avalanche of mental rambling - I'm not asking for advice from it, or I would have posted on the advice forum, but since you're giving advice, I'll draw from it. But looking back, I really should have started this journal in the 'no response' section.

So, one misconception everyone seems to have is that my poor husband supports me completely when really he's dying for me to get a job and is sick of me sapping pounds and pence from his account and generally taking advantage of his financial and emotional support.

In reality, I can more than easily support myself and my husband (if his business went under, I could make more money than we ever needed and I would do it happily and have done, in the past). Another thing - my husband is hugely, hugely traditional, and would absolutely hate for me to financially support him. Ideally, he would like me to start a family right now and he is always proud and happy to support me. Sometimes I do feel bad about this - guilty because I feel like hardly anyone I know is in a similar situation so young, which causes me to think twice sometimes. We have very traditional roles - for instance, he hasn't done the washing up for 7 years! He's never cleaned up after himself, I do all our washing, cleaning, DIY (yes, I grout the bathroom!). He is completely taken care of. I make him breakfast every morning, cook him every meal etc. I iron and have his clothes out ready every morning. So in return for him making more money at the moment than me, in exchange I am his very willing house wife as well as now working full time. So don't feel too sorry for him, honestly, he gets quite a good bargain.

I will admit to anyone I've had it easy. I've had it easy when I was younger and single. I worked two jobs plus college and fell into two great jobs straight away and got good exam results without too much effort. In that respect, yes, I have had it easy. I met my now husband young and our relationship has mostly been amazing - it's always come very naturally and very easy. Then followed a few s****y jobs due to my own choice, and then I happened upon lap dancing and then my husband was coming to me for money! Which, by the way, I gladly would give him and supported him in his business. When I was dancing, to me, it was ridiculously easy money. My husbands business has gone from strength to strength (which I do some of the admin for on the evenings), and life has been good. I don't believe life has to be hard for it to be respectable or worth it.

Forgive me, but I don't believe it when people feel like they're not earning adult 'proper' money unless they're miserable in their jobs. I refuse to accept being unhappy in life, including work, which is a whole lotta portion of your life. I wouldn't expect my husband to stay in a crummy job he hated and neither does he expect me to do the same. At the moment I'm happy to stick it because it will help with a mortgage, which was my decision as he never asked me to go in for this, but it's not the only job I can ever have and it's not the only way I can contribute financially or otherwise.

It's quite personal the way a couple sets themselves up financially and I would never criticise someone else's set up. For instance, my mum is a house wife and has never worked for 10 years - does that make her a splinter in my fathers foot? He loves the fact that he comes home to fresh flowers, a clean house and a home cooked meal in the oven. He pays for everything - I would never suggest my mum must go out to work when my father doesn't need her too. I would not be so bold.

With regards to the harsh judgements of my colleagues... I agree I can be quick to judge, especially when ranting in an online diary. Obviously I would take what I say in a bad mood with a pinch of salt. This past week I've talked more and got to know everyone a little more and can safely say everyone seems quite lovely and very, very helpful.

I am grateful of the opportunity I've been given in a recession and I am never unappreciative of anything I have (although sometimes I forget just how good I have it, which is only human nature), but most of the time, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of life and just how lucky I am.

Other women, younger models... yes, these things happen. And that would be a cause for concern if my husband had just married me for my youth or my appearance, but fortunately for me he hasn't, and we love each other now more than ever. Death does happen, and trust me, I worry about illness all the time, really, I do. I'm a hypochondriac, big style. But I can support myself, and I don't need all the luxuries life can offer me, even though they're very nice. I'm not a helpless little girl, I'm just a girl who believes life doesn't have to be a struggle when you can change things.

I've worked since I was 16 and I always have my own cash, even if it is a small amount, I've always paid ALL our rent, even in my part time job. Hubby pays all the bills and all the meals out and yes, he buys me presents, a lot.

I do agree the way you view a situation can change the whole thing... happiness is a state of mind, etc etc. I agree, totally. My over-splurge - I chalk it down to a bad week. I had a big change and I don't deal well with change of office type set ups. It's against my nature. I'm very open on this journal so my emotions are often exaggerated due to the moods I'm in when I write, it's just the way it is so it's not always a factual assessment of my life. I don't do stepping back much!

With or without my husband, the difference between me and maybe someone else chained to their desk is that I'm free, and maybe thats whats so un-adult about me? In life, sometimes you have to ask yourself, are you so used to your cage that you have stopped noticing the bars? Are you truly free? Are you truly happy?

In life, we don't have to do anything, I think it's an illusion. You don't HAVE to stick a crummy job. I think everyone needs to start valuing themselves more than that. I know, a lot of people have children to support. My father worked in a factory when me and my sister were born. They had no money. He studied whilst working a c**p job full time at night school and ended up getting the top score in his exam in the UK - this is a tool maker who wore hand me down jumpers that his mum had knit him. No one is stuck and no one is stuck because of responsibilities or anything else otherwise.

With regards to my CV - I really couldn't give a fig about my resume. It's kind of made up and pointless anyway (can't exactly say I spent two years stripping and flashing my t**s at strangers for money). It's a shady area for me. It wouldn't have made any difference if I'd walked out of a job after a week or so. I have bigger periods of 'un-work' to explain which concern me much more.

Overall, please don't take my personal whinging and gushing on here as anything but a girl's diary. I've had a fantastic week this week and everything's moving along nicely. I've settled into my job a bit more and I'm kind of enjoying the mundane tasks for now. Everything's starting to come much more naturally and nothings as hard as it initially seemed.

At the end of the day, I can't stop thinking whatever I want, whether it's a quick judgement or a negative thought about a new job. At the end of a long Monday, I leave the office, turn my music up full blast, strip off my clothes at the door and down a red bull in the kitchen to dance around the lounge. I don't see why I have to be happy or accept office work if I don't like it. I do agree, the old me would have just left in the first week, but the old me was completely impulsive and a slave to her emotions. I kind of miss her, she was more fun. The old, impulsive me allowed me to walk into a lap dancing bar and go audition on a pole even though I'd never pole danced in my entire life. The old me, that spark thats still in there, is what my husband fell in love with. That old me did what she wanted and, well... it's kind of nice being your own boss with your hands on the wheel. You should try it sometime if you've never done it, it's liberating. Life's too short.

So back to my desk and grey pencil skirts - I've stuck it the first week and everything's clicking into place even though it's not my ideal job, but I only have to do it into the near-ish future. This cannot be the end game, surely? It doesn't feel right.

Again, ramblings. All ramblings!

Thanks Silver... I think they do. I just hope I pick it all up quickly. My manager has been there over 10 years and she knows everything so trying to show me the systems has been frustrating for her I think (because it is so natural to her). Infact, she's been really bad at showing me how to do anything. I kind of got these massive hand books left on my desk, she break neck wizzed through the different files and processes, didn't show me everything and never even showed me how to used the phones properly even though it's one of my main jobs. Crazy! I know she's super busy but I did feel like I was left and kind of expected to just know a lot of things. I guess the phone might of seemed really obvious but to me it wasn't.

Oh thanks Silver - I changed it from a photo of myself because I had this paranoid thought last night that if anyone stumbled accross this from work they could easily piece together it was me from my photo which still probably showed too much of my identity!

x