mylolita

I couldn't shake this image out of my head, this sweet roll of film that kept playing on and on in my mind in a gorgeous loop. I could see myself happy and meeting a man. And he was a man, not a boy. I expected it to happen and I kind of knew it would. I didn't know when or how, but I knew he wasn't at my college.

 

I hit 18, got a new job in a club and everyone called me Frenchie there because I was skinny and looked 'French'. I felt more accepted in this adult world and suddenly no one was a kid anymore. I didn't feel like a kid. And then one night D came in with a friend and the rest is history. I didn't get my Prince Charming, I didn't want one, but I got my man.

 

And back to this image that keeps resurfacing. The second one, the one that doesn't involve love.

 

I keep seeing myself in a huge house with beautiful artistic decor. I see a claw bath tub in the middle of a large bathroom with double glass doors opened out onto a cast iron balcony. I see the breeze flutter the white hazy voile, and I see my toes peeking out above the water.

 

What am I saying? That I expect to be rich and be taking a bath in a beautiful room? Deep down, I do expect it. I expect it to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, or when or why. Just like all things in life, surprises are nice… well, the good ones anyway.

 

The logical, cold part of me doubts and asks me how I'm getting there, but the creative and confident portion of me says it just will. Whether this is stupid, right or wrong, wishful thinking, who knows - all I know is that I can't get it out of my head. Even on a dark morning like today, where I sit in my own humble bathtub with the light on and the sound of traffic outside, I can see the breeze peacefully moving the voile.

Lo x

Just reading back on parts of my journal because I am a masochist.

I can't quite believe I wrote this back in 2014, but after reading it I remember. This is a bit weird for me. A self prophecy? I must have a very generous Fairy Godmother because the bath don't have claws and there's no balcony, but she surpassed herself as I sit in this house in disbelief that we did it!

Do I need to cross my fingers and toes for the money part now? I have three wishes and two have come true?

Don't jinx it don't jinx it don't jinx it!

Lo x

Good morning Sunday! You are beautiful.

I love that peacefulness only Sunday can bring. Morrissey, one of my favourite artists of all time, summed up Sunday in a dull, British town perfectly:

'Everyday is like Sunday, everyday is silent and grey.'

Well, this Sunday is silent but definitely not grey. Welcome to your new life. The sun seems to be blessing it, and if I were a superstitious girl, maybe I would think it was good luck.

Quiet, blustery window shuffling tree branches against the panes with the last hanging blossom attracting more bumble bees than I've ever seen in my life. We have had more wildlife in our wild little town garden than I have seen in the countryside.

I went at the hedge towards the beginning of the week and my god, there were at least two empty nests and one nest with the fluffiest, plumpest little chick in. We left him to it and covered him back up. He's flown away now, hopefully to start a life and have chicks of his own. Hopefully when he comes back he'll come back to our little garden with the flowering hedge and he'll see I planted a new tree and lavender overgrowing onto the path. I love lavender.

I now look out, Sunday afternoon, lazy Sunday afternoon, to a boxed high hedge and a pale blue sky. I have a milky coffee resting on our beat up table from the old flat, one of the last relics of the past life, the life that seems to long ago. So very far away from here.

It's only been a week and I have already forgotten my old routine. The routine I set myself, the routine I did five days a week, two and a half days a year. It's all faded away to a point where I would struggle to start that routine back up again tomorrow, even after just a week. What a difference a day makes - what a difference a week makes! - forget 24 little hours.

I look around constantly and I can't quite believe my luck. I got away with it? I think I got away with it! Did I manage to see that soul sapping job through? Did I leave on a cloud with grace? My mind intact? Did I leave to come to this, a beautiful, airy house, to sit here on a Sunday afternoon, curled up with the laptop and two wooden window's framing the green, windy world outside? Is it real? Am I dreaming?

When the week was done on Friday night, I had been feeling strange all week. There had been this unknown anxiety slowly rising in my stomach, through my throat to then become a pressure that seemed to cloud my mind with fatigue and emotion. I think all week the change of suddenly going from work work work, back to the house, work and more work, and then to be painting and prepping this wonderful home we call our own, I guess it was dawning on me from Monday to Friday when I stopped, just how much my life has now changed within a week. I am in the unknown, but the unknown is beautiful and exactly everything I wanted to know. Me, home, and D. All three of us together.

I was putting shopping away on Saturday and I stopped, stood up and warm tears were silently rolling down my cheeks. They were happy but also tinged with something else - I think anxiety? Suddenly, I have no job. I used to have a decent income. I'd had a few pay rises, they were going to offer me more and I left. All to nothing. And then I looked around, as I was placing tins back in the desk we call our kitchen in the middle of the room (there is no kitchen to speak of), and as I was putting these things away in our make-shift storage, I realised the size of the task we've taken on and the expense of it. All these things never had chance to hit me. I was working, commuting for two hours a day. I was coming home, I was helping with the house but mostly relaxing and then sleep to do it all again. I never had time to let these things dawn on me.

Me and D were going to go for a jog on the beach which is only a five minute drive from the house. It was part of our new health kick. I walked from the kitchen to the lounge. He was sat on the couch, answering e-mails, oblivious as he is when he's answering e-mails of anyone or me being in the room. I sat down opposite him and suddenly felt exhausted with the weight of the change, although a happy one.

I started to say this to him, more along the lines of,

"D, I'm sorry, I don't feel like going jogging. I feel a little weird, it's the change of everything I think.'

Then as I always do, because I can never articulate anything I'm feeling, I started to cry again and felt stupid. He shut the laptop and calmed me straight away. He told me everything I've mentioned above and as always, he was the rock and I was the wave, crashing against him. He is always the rock.

Ten minutes with D put me at complete ease and I felt optimistic again. We both agreed on how to go about things to reduce the stress and the cost of renovations - prioritising things. It's not easy living in a building site. No proper kitchen, no real comforts apart from our make shift lounge and the bedroom which I keep a clean, simple sanctuary for my own sanity.

Life has changed and it is different. I am happy and hopeful, but anxious to get things done or I fear this house and it's four stories will get on top of us. I'm going to work even harder next week. I must finish everything I want to get done. Make it worth while not working at the moment.

Beautiful Sunday. Maybe even sunny Sundays can be a bit grey. Or maybe not grey, maybe just blustery? Call it the winds of change.

Lo x

Your writing style and your description of your life conjure up to me a fairly artistically and style-minded person. Not fashion, but style.

 

Don't write for money, write for kudos amongst the artistically minded.

 

Continue writing please when you find the time, it's nice to hear about your life, it's kinda sweet. You and D sound like such a chemically exciting couple.

Hi Zaphod,

Well it really is a huge compliment coming from you as are a bit of a wordsmith yourself aren't you! I appreciate your feedback and everyone elses. I am honestly not trying to write to please people - in fact most of my posts come out in a massive, speed typed blur and I only edit typos later. It's an embarrassment half the things I have wrote about and the other half I could never put pen to paper, I think it may easily put 50 Shades of Grey to shame, even if it is written a bit c**p!

What you say about style is really such a statement, I don't know if I can take that on but really, what a lovely thing to say. It's strange you say that, not because I think I am stylish at all but because I have no interest in what is popular, cool, fashionable - anything like that. I just want to be myself and be as honest as I can in my writing, and if that comes across as anything near stylish, I am happy to the moon and back!

I am currently writing this listening to your chill tune. Sunday afternoon trance going on here!

I am also sorry this has been longer than 10 minutes to reply haha! I read everyones responses a few days ago but life took hold again. I hope this doesn't come across as rude. I could write responses all day. I could write five hours a day, but it wouldn't be worth reading so I am limiting myself with some quality control here or I will become an angsty teenager again and start, oh my god, writing poetry or something I would never live down!

You are bang on with the summery of me and the strong, silent type Mr. D! We are chemical I guess! We're other things that aren't as glamorous or interesting, but I'll take that for now! I like that! Thank you Zaphod! I might even use it and give you zero credit!

Keep in touch,

Lo x

Agreed. Making my way through her diary now, and she is a very eloquent writer.

Thank you John John - what a lovely compliment! I am blushing big time. Too much.

Lo x

Happy Anniversary

 

 

And yeah, when you're working on projects, it's hard to get glammed up. I have make-up less, hair in a messy ponytail days too....where I'm in baggy yoga pants and thread-worn t-shirts that are splattered in paint...it seems more often than not. I wear them gardening, painting, or pouring cement. Right now I still have paint stained hands from yesterday...I need to take a bath

 

My husband likes me the most when I'm mid-project, paint streaks on my cheeks and plaster dust in my hair....he says its when I'm the most me...no one else sees me like that- I always put in make-up and get dressed for company.

 

So just go with it

 

I'm glad he didn't forget (sometimes they do that...or don't know what to do when do remember, so they do nothing) and that his words warmed you

 

Hi Faraday,

 

Always lovely to hear from you! I can totally relate to this! I was always the girl that had lipstick on magically all day (simply through constantly re-applying when in the bathroom), now I forget to even put any on and wear the same paint splattered baseball top three days straight! It's gone out the window!

 

It's so sweet your husband likes you the most like that! Strangely, mine finds me cute when I'm in this grunge state and always comes up behind me for a sexy snuggle. I don't get it! Nice though, we have nice husbands! We're lucky ladies!

 

I've got to check in on your journal. Anymore progress with your beautiful house?

 

Lo x

I'm working my way through your journal (only on page four, so far) and wanted to chime in with others' comments that you write beautifully. You should definitely consider writing a book. Agree with your assessment of 50 Shades - it was godawful. I have read erotica for many years. It's sad that some people think that's all that is out there because it's all they see at the book stores.

 

Now that you've left your job, will you be pursuing another career path? Staying home for a while and enjoying your freedom?

 

Your house sounds lovely.

Hello Clarisse,

Wow! What a compliment! I am being very spoilt! I might not be able to walk through the door now!

Finally, someone who also thought it was trash! I just didn't get it. It confirms my love of Oscar Wilde and a famous quote of his which summaries 50 Shades of Grey nicely:

'Everything popular is wrong'!

I would love, love love love, to write a book! I have wanted to write a book since I was about 12 scribbling about who I fancied and what my walk home from school looked like. At 16 I still didn't feel ready and I guess I was waiting on life experience maybe? Will I be waiting forever? Maybe! I would love to have a bash though. I'm not sure what it would be about...maybe only you would read it and probably only the first few pages before it went on the fire! Huge compliment though, huge and undeserved.

I've had a week of no job now (wadda bum!), and my husband has put me to work on the house from Monday to Friday, 7.5 hours with a half hour lunch break and my god, it's been tough. He's a task master! Jesus! But I've got so much done and it's been really rewarding. Some mega painting has been going on. I was done in come Friday night and all I wanted was a Cosmo.

To answer your question, maybe a few more weeks on the house then I'll find myself a part time job locally (something with no responsibility!) and work on the house for the rest of the week.

I feel very lucky to have this house. It's a home that was originally meant for someone much more wealthy and stately than ourselves, and I find myself walking around the halls wondering who the original lady of this house was? What she looked like and how she felt? We did get some of the historic deeds when we bought the house, and the original owner was a shipyard owner (very late Georgian to early Victorian era). We had a mooch through beautifully hand written receipts when they had commissioned the electrics to be put into the house, and we are confused by some of the room descriptions like 'breakfast room' which, god knows where that is! I think the original layout was very different to now. We've tried to put it back as best we can, we've knocked down an en-suite and many walls to get the rooms back to their full capacity! We've found all sorts of echoes to the past while renovating. The joiner was lifting floorboards in the living room and by the fireplace found a string attached to a bell which he thinks would of come out from the floor and sat beside a chair so you could ring for a maid! Unfortunately I am now the maid!

Hopefully the house is happy and the original lady of the house, if she ever could come back and see us now, wouldn't be too disappointed. She'd probably be a bit let down that breakfast is a yoghurt eaten over a coffee table mind!

I'm going to look into putting some pictures up of our building site if you're interested.

Thanks again Clarisse, I really appreciate your lovely comments.

Lo x

I do a bit of DJ'ing myself, as it goes. Still play vinyl, kind of tech-house, I guess. Been doing it since about '91. Of course, I'm a rock and roller at heart, but I found the two scenes not entirely similar.

 

Anyway, all the best with everything. And yes I agree with the others, you have a captivating writing style which is cute and draws one in. And *gasp* actuallly has paragraphs. I actually read all that "junk" as you put it. Perhaps you should look into writing a few books, etc. ? Also, your spelling and punctuation are bang on point, which only adds to the experience.

Hi Zaphod,

Sorry this is a late reply, I don't want to come across as ignorant - I promise I'm not!

By the way, you sound English, is that true? And I would love to know more about your DJ'ing. That's gotta be one of the coolest jobs out there? Apart from roller waitress and zoo keeper, it's up there!

Thank you for the huge compliment as well. I'm not being falsely humble, but I really don't deserve it. Strange as it is, like every other person who ever writes a bit now and then, I do want to write a book. It's something I really want to tick off my list. I'm dying to try it but I have no practice at all and it'll flop!

I'm a massive, massive fan of Stephen King. Serious readers back hand his stuff as popular trash I guess, but even taking away the stories (and the older ones, in my opinion, are amazing), his writing style is just simply the best. I love it. Straight to the point, punchy, real. He doesn't laden his paragraphs with long, complicated gothic, words. It's perfect. I'd want to try something like that.

Maybe not horror though! I'm too squeamish. I'm also now going to sound like a right blagger, but this is true: I had a conversation with my best friend about 5 years ago saying there is a gap in the market for a racy, mainstream erotic novel and how I wish I had the guts to start one. Then 50 Shades of Grey hit and I always had the niggle, DAMN, I wonder if that could of been me? She's this mega millionaire now and the book was c**p.

Life!

x

Yesterday was mine and D's second year wedding anniversary.

Typical un-romantic but still romantic D style - he hadn't forgotten (he assured me), but the day was still spent painting our new house.

He told me to look in the drawer in the hall sideboard and there was a card with my name on it and some touching little words. He's soppy really even though he's a total bloke!

We went to eat out later. With having the house, I've so rarely been done up, it's felt alien to me. Normally, I would always be dressed to some extent, but it's difficult to look glamorous when there's plaster dust in the air and you're sanding banisters or up scaffolding priming ceilings. I can sometimes go a whole day without lipstick which for me, is mega. Mega woah and mega let down in the glamour department. The house makes up for what I lack at the moment I guess.

It was nice to have a long soak and pamper myself. I did myself up exactly the way D likes me and I did this for him; I know how much it pleases him.

The look he likes?

White shirt, short leather skirt, pony tail, lipstick and high high heels.

He was very pleased. And that's all I'm going to say about the rest of the night!

Lo x

The picture isn't showing up, but it sounds really lovely. You paint a wonderful picture with your words

 

Do you have a smart phone? You can post pictures directly from your phone onto the forum with an app (tapatalk). If not, I'll use my imagination- it sounds lovely

 

Hi Faraday!

 

Yes I do have a smartphone but it's out of action until I take it back to Apple - there is a fault on the phone and it won't charge. I'll try the app and upload again soon.

 

Lo x

Today is my first day. That is, my first day without a job. I QUIT! I quit, but I quit good, and now it's Monday and I would normally be rushing around trying to pat on lipstick and iron a shirt - but I'm not!

The day couldn't be anymore glorious for my first day of freedom. If I were religious, I would surely think the God's were smiling down on me and rewarding this change with beaming morning sun. The type of peaceful, quiet sunshine you wake up to early on holiday - a Spanish morning. The type of sun that you know will develop into blazing hot heat come noon. A glorious day.

I became quite good friends with a girl at work called C. She was the only woman who was a legally technical, qualified member of staff. We clicked after I'd been there about a year. I would normally of documented all this but I've been having too much fun and working too hard (what do they say? People with lives worth living don't have time to write diaries?!).

I begged her not to throw any kind of leaving do, but she still did and Friday night most people turned up for drinks to wave me off into the sunset. I felt very spoilt. A bottle of bubbly, a gorgeous bunch of flowers and a generous voucher from one of my favourite online shopping destinations! Everyone had contributed and clubbed in. I was taken aback. I held all my emotions in the whole night, got a bit drunk. D ended up coming to pick me up and we were left with C (my new work friend) and actually the new girl who is replacing me who I had been showing the ropes all week. She is really lovely - very sweet. I think if I had been staying and she was employed we would be friends.

The four of us sat slouched in a high bar booth till the bitter end, till the bar was nearly emptied. The dregs of the party, the true and loyal nature of a friend who stays until their eyes are drooping and the sun is coming up on a long night. I felt content.

When we picked up the car there was a silence while I read all the comments left in my leaving card and I burst into tears. I always do this! I can't stand, I just can't stand people being nice. So nice, it upsets me! D gave my shoulder a squeeze and we drove home never to drive that way again. We left the office as I'd never seen it before - cold, empty and dark at midnight.

I stook at it, I often hated it, I often hated the people, but I left with my dignity intact and a glowing reference. And! Some really nice flowers sitting on the fireplace!

So here's to Monday's, but for the first time in about a billion years, I didn't have any Sunday blues, because Monday, yes Monday, you're lookin' good.

Lo x

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11113[/ATTACH]

Apologies, I am not very good at technology and the image above could of been posted better I'm sure!

If the link works, the photo is a picture of our bedroom a couple of months ago when we first had the bath installed.

My dream from being a little girl has always been to have a free standing bath in my grown up, adult bedroom. Maybe it's through watching films or imagining the most luxurious hotels in daydreams out school windows, but to me, it was the perfect arrangement - I love taking baths, and I love the bedroom - a marriage made in luxurious lounging heaven!

It just so happens I scored big, as not only did D make this dream a reality, but the brownie points went off the scale because this bath just happens to be copper. Which, sorry, if I can type through me hyperventilating, is the material my dream bath has always been made of.

I feel very fortunate that our master bedroom is big enough to do this. The photo was taken on a very dull day (these days, I love - call me English), and the light wasn't very good, but you get the gist. The bed is further away from the photo and we had just painted the floor boards a chalk white a couple of days ago. Also not in the photo are two newly installed cast iron radiators on the wall opposite the windows.

This was our naked little room - bath, bed and radiators. Freshly painted. It was the most important room to me and it was the first room to come near completion.

I could write all day about the quality and beauty of calm light that floods through the windows in this room no matter what the weather. Beaming sunshine, bright snow, the darkest most sultry clouds or slashing rain, those two high wooden frames are my twin eyes to look out onto our varied, curved town street.

The first night we moved into our house/building site, we were exhausted from regular work and working on the house. I would drive back an hour from the office and we would let ourselves into the new purchase, excited like kids breaking into someones abandoned stick den. I'd start painting - sometimes like a zombie, sometimes manically, eager to get things done but always tired. Being tired has hung over me for so long now, I feel like it's just lifting. The bath had been plumbed in a week before and we were paying rent on our old flat as well as our new mortgage. We knew we had to move in as soon as possible.

When the bath went in, civilisation seemed to enter the building. It is the only place in the house you can have a wash. We haven't installed any showers yet or other bathrooms (this is all the come). It was late, probably 10 o'clock. A long day for both of us. We nipped out, paint covered, and went to a shop that sold nice towels and bed linen. We rushed home and D started to run the bath. The steam coming from the copper at midnight in a dark room with only a bed in it and a pile of towels was the most peaceful thing I had seen all year. We got in and had our first bath together, exhausted, happy and in shock. I believe in that moment I was the luckiest girl in the world.

I fell into the best and deepest sleep I had ever known.

Lo x

Hi Zaphod,

Well what a compliment, but really I'm the lucky one I think!

Renovations are going but not as fast as I'd like it! Always a time and money issue!

And god, well, I would never say about our financial situation because I'm old fashioned like that We don't struggle for money but I'm not driving around in a Rolls Royce if thats what you mean! The house is, if I may say so myself (I know I'm biased!) a beautiful old Georgian thing that I am very proud to be able to own, but the work needed is vast and the location we are in is not desirable to the market of people who would normally buy a large house (people who have a family I guess), as there is no "green" garden - just a walled yard - and the house is a town house that fronts onto the road after a long bit of garden. The house is also on a crescent that curves round right into the main city so again, not desirable to everyone. Lastly, we're not in London or Bath so, it's cheaper buying it where we have bought it than say somewhere in the South of England!

I've just checked out the lovely Molly and the beat is so chill! I love it! Location looks cool as well! And she gets extra brownie points for having a gap between her two front teeth, as I do as well, and only the best people do hahahaha!

Thanks for the comment, keep the beats coming!

Lo x

Faraday!

Long time no speak! You sound like you are doing great! I'm going to visit your journal - it's exactly the type of thing I'm into, especially because I'm going through it myself! How bad was the condition of the house when you got it by the way? And what type of lovely place did you get your hands on!?

I'll post a few pictures on here soon if you're interested. I wish wish wish I'd taken more when we first moved in! I always forget or I'm rushing to do things so I never take photo's, some of them leap from not done to mostly done.

Great to hear from you and keep me posted!

Lo x

Oh, and forth point to add for lifestyle change is:

I DO YOGA. I AM YOGI NOW! (Only kidding, not a yogi, but I'm a trier!)

Namaste!

Lo x

I've been going about my daily life so occupied that I seem to of forgotten about this journal or that I ever wrote on here at all.

Even more embarrassing that my last post was me proclaiming I was starting back up again. Writing on here feels like a dream I had but I can't recall the details - I guess thats most of your past life!

I'm not going to pretend I'm writing to an audience here and I don't want to sound like I am presuming that, but I want to bullet point the main reasons why I died on enotalone:

I'm still in that "horrible" job and I took everyones advice AND D's AND I stayed there 2 and a half years. Through not storming out like the old, immature me would of in some impulsive whim I held my ground and worked through each day. Because of this I have been able to hand my notice in on really good terms and my last day is this Friday.

I feel like I've changed a lot, even from reading back a few posts I wrote makes me cringe a little, and

me and D bought a house last September! I don't want to come across like I'm bragging or making a huge deal out of this, but it really is our dream house! It is the house I thought we would maybe get when we were in our 40's. It's a doer upper (hence the no time thing I guess! Plus a full time job as well in the mix kept my whingy journal posts at bay!), and again, I don't want to brag, but it's a bit of a project because where I'm from the UK, it's pretty big! It's a 6 bedroom, Georgian town house with 4 stories including a basement! It's straight out of our fantasies of what our perfect house would be!

I want to start posting again and hopefully this will all be more positive on the whole now. I am going to be starting a new part time job. We relocated for this house so I have been commuting to work (about an hour there and an hour back), so we're in a completely new location, new people, new area (it's a city, for a start!). Everything changed and I guess I have a bit. I really want to document things for myself and wish I had done this year but I can't go back now.

I hope everyone is doing well on here and I am looking forward to getting back into starting up my diary.

LOTS OF LOVE!

Lo x

Like always in my life, I wanted (if possible), to make a subtle and dramatic entrance back here.

Like an old but not too old friend who used to come round but just stopped calling without reason or hint - I feel like I've been away for so long but yet it's still so familiar.

I've just read a few random posts from the past of this diary or journal or whatever it is, and I nearly cried. I feel like so many things have changed. I've lost some people who were close to me and yet I think I'm doing as good as ever.

Abstract abstract I know... it's Monday night, I'm melancholy, tired and reflective (NEVER a good combination) and I need to go to sleep. I also need to write again. I missed that.

So much to catch up on, including sleep.

Night.

Lo x

Fudgie - thank you. Such a beautiful and positive way if looking at everything.

I wrote that post on my lunch break at work when I was feeling especially low. Coming back and reading what you've put is like a breath of fresh air. Thank you!

Lo x

2015 so far has been pretty rough.

For the last two weeks I feel like I've been in a daze at work, in and out of the hospital and constantly thinking about death, life, and how unfair and short it all can be.

My Grandma died on Friday morning and the whole day in the office felt so surreal. It was as if nothing really mattered. Some part of me was in shock, simply functioning whilst I watched myself from the outside in making tea, chatting to co-workers as if nothing was wrong, scanning stupid documents, just wondering what the whole point of it all is.

I guess it shone a spot light on my own mortality and my own quality of life, my happiness. I'm reviewing what it means to be alive and where I am now is not it. The important things in my life, the people, the places, all take second and third priority to things I shouldn't give a fig about. Work, what people I don't care about think, money... all take up my precious time and fill my head with anxiety when I need to give myself a mental slap and start living the life I want to live. I need to be the person I am, not the person I think I should be.

D's Gran who is 97 and extremely frail is also undergoing a make or break operation today which she may not come out of. I can't stand it. All I can think of is why? Why why why? It's so unfair.

I went to visit my Grandad last night. All the hospital equipment was still there which she never used. All the symbols of horror and ageing: a commode, an ugly, repulsive raised chair, undignified handles and steps for everything as if she's a child. My heart ached the whole time I was smiling for my Grandad. The clock carried on ticking with that ridiculously loud tick, shouting at us that time is passing. All her gaudy ornaments were still arranged lovingly in their cheap cabinets. I wondered if the last time she dusted them as she often did if she knew it would be the last time?

A horrible game kept playing in my head. Her slippers by the door - when was the last time she wore them? Her night dress on the radiator - when was the last time she ironed it? The top cupboard I could never reach when I was a child - are there still biscuits in the tin she made for the last time? What was the last thing I said to her? Why didn't I say more? There was so much I wanted to do with her. She was going to teach me how to make the perfect Victoria Sponge, and now I'll never know. All the little phases she said, the way she said them. What I wore the last time I saw her, permanently stained with the knowledge that was the last thing she saw me in.

I always wondered how people carried on after death in the family, but I'm feeling all these things and carrying on exactly the same, as if it never happened.

My deepest sympathy goes out to my Grandad - her husband, and my dad and his brother.

My Grandad proposed to my Grandma in a rose garden of a park near where we once lived. I know I'll never be able to walk through it without a deep ache in my chest.

I guess we have to make the most of the precious time we have.

I can't possibly complain about work when worse things happen to others everyday. D, and his lovely positivity, assured me she'd had a long and happy life, which is true. 90 is a good age to go. But I still can't ignore the awful pang in my heart. I miss her.

Lo x

Dreading dreading dreading going into work today.

The weekend was delicious. We didn't do anything special or adventurous but it was the first weekend since starting this b*****d job that I didn't spend my whole time off just worrying about going back like a bullied school kid.

I went to one of my local shops on the high street that have a pharmacy section with no need for prescription. I saw these 'Quiet Life' tablets, a bit like Kalms, that stated to be a natural, herbal remedy for anxiety. They also promised to help me sleep better.

The dosage is two daily after meals, ideally one a few hours before bed. I don't know whether it's a placebo affect but as soon as I took one on Saturday I felt instantly more drowsy and kind of chilled. In fact, there was a moment when the old me would of got irritated and annoyed and I kind of just sailed through it not bothered. Was it the magic pill? I'm really not sure.

Only took one on Sunday before bed and slept well. I'm still not sure if this is just a coincidence though. I may take one again after breakfast this morning before work and see if it chills me the f**k out (which needs to happen if I'm going to live a normal, regular life).

Sometimes I really hate myself and my brain. I HATE YOU BRAIN.

Shower time.

x

Yay for reconnecting with old friends! Hopefully you two will keep in touch more and be able to support each other in the future as you both start your families.

 

Thanks Fudgie! It was really nice. Kind of nostalgic!

 

Lo x

Absolutely dragged myself out of bed this morning at the thought of getting into the office.

This weekend I've been a bit, well, secretly down. I haven't mentioned anything to D, I don't want to worry him, but I think he knows anyway. I can feel it's unsaid.

It's pathetic really, the worst case I've had in years. I've holed myself up in our bedroom and worn the same dusk pink baseball top for 3 days straight. Thats right - Friday night I slept in it after some friends stayed over, then I got washed but put it back on underneath a chunky grey knit jumper which then my friends new puppy had a chew on at the sleeve, then slept in it again, then woke up in it on Sunday morning and just felt like staying in bed and sleeping the whole day. Disgusting. I wanted to shut the world out and snuggle up to D for 24 hours in my soft, new baseball top. So, I kind of did.

We woke up late (9pm) and he had put on an episode of 90210. I know - it's pathetic right? He knows I've been obsessing over that show for two weeks now. It's been a kind of mental escape for me when I come home from work, I watch at least two episodes and I can get lost in low IQ, High School drama and skinny female legs. D put his arm around me and watched episode after episode with me. I made him breakfast in between, we stopped to have a lovely little round of sex and then went back to 90210 again munching on bread sticks. It started to get dark outside and we'd watched about 12 episodes?! Maybe more?! Anyway, D just smiled and said we should order pizza.

So I did nothing all day apart from lounge in bed, make a bit of food in between, hump my husband and put a load of washing in the washing machine. I didn't even shower last night. This is crazy for me because I am almost OCD hygienic. I felt like none of it mattered. I just wanted to shut the world outside away, shut my thoughts out and lay in bed in a nest with D.

Am I mildly depressed? I think so. Kind of. I hate to say it and I definitely don't want to admit it. I'm feeling a little down and I'm hoping it'll pass.

It reminds me of a picture Derren Brown has recently posed on Twitter about Depression. It depicts someone depressed hiding underneath pillows. His friend asks, "Whats wrong?" Pillow hider says, "I don't know." Then the friend says, "Can I come in with you?" and they both just hide together under the nest of pillows.

I guess it's saying that when it comes to being sad, it's sometimes not just one obvious thing thats the cause and there is no direct answer. I guess it often just takes a friend or loved one to be there for that person. D was there for me yesterday. Nothing was discussed and we had no deep conversations or 'let's get into life' talks.' I feel better and more rested from just having him be there for me all that time when I'm sure he would of rather done a million other things. I love him so much.

In other news, I went to see an old friend who I'd grown distant from on Saturday. She'd just got a new Labrador puppy who is SO CUTE! He loved me straight away. Definitely made a new friend there.

Anyway, we really re-connected. She'd acted off at my wedding and had been avoiding me for a little while which caused me to back off and then think we no longer had nothing in common. It turns out after Saturday that we have more in common than all my other friends put together.

She's doing a very similar admin job to me at a very similar company and has exactly the same issues as me with the role. She's getting married next year but has bought a house. We got married last year but want to buy a house this year. And the revelation of the whole thing was she told me after they got married next year her and J want to seriously start trying for a baby.

This blew me away in the best way possible! I felt so overwhelmingly happy for them!

It took me aback because I could relate to her so much. Me and D feel exactly the same way. Once we get a house we will definitely start trying for a family. In fact, we're both madly broody now, let alone a year down the line. Suddenly she is the only person my age who is on the same page and life path as me. I didn't feel so alone and it felt great.

Only a few month's ago she was adamant that she would never start a family until she was at least 30, but this change was so genuine in her it really made me glow. She looked so happy.

It made me realise that I'm waiting and in limbo and have been for years. All the dissatisfaction, all the 'cross roads' feelings, all the not knowing what I'm doing has been because I'm simply waiting until we can get a house so we can start a family. Me and D are both waiting for that. My office job, it's so temporary and it's not what I want because what I want is a family and to be a mother.

There, I said it. And I only properly realised what I've been thinking all along when a friend said it out loud and made me realise I've wanted the same thing for years.

Lo x

Hey Fudgie,

It really means a lot to have you believe in me. Sometimes I don't always need advice, just support. Thats what D does a lot. Often, if he knows I'm feeling down, he'll just crack a joke and then ask me what I'd like to do all day. If it's stay in bed and watch a marathon of 90210, then he'll do it with me, if it's going for a walk, he'll happily come along. I guess the people in our lives who love us just want us to be happy no matter what. It's a really gorgeous feeling - the most luxurious experience I have ever had!

They are called a Honda Jazz here in the UK, yes! Funky little cars! Hope your hunting experience with your dad went well?

Lo x

Really enjoyed having a drive out, getting lost and just zoning out enjoying a few streets I've never been down before.

God, I love driving. I swear once I get my confidence up in the new car I will be a total petrol head. I just love my baby! I guess passing my driving test and then never driving for 4 years makes me an even newer driver than I would have been getting a car straight after getting my license. It's been a bit jerky and a bit rubbish for D having to sit in with me, but my first week driving myself to work has been terrifying but very freeing. I LOVE IT!

I can't wait to make more mix CD's for the car. I realise I could do the whole link my iPhone up and the blue tooth thing but, there's something about having an actual CD that I love. I like the way it gently sucks the CD in when you feed it into the player. Ahhh, simple pleasures!

Now I'm waiting for D to get back so that we can hit the gym and then go out to eat after. Saturday night - it ain't all bad really.

Lo x

F**k.

I need to go to the post office for work because of this stupid parcel... too long and too boring a story to go into. Oh, it's snowing as well, not just snowing but a blizzard with whistling wind. Some girls even screamed outside because it was coming down so hard.

Part of me really digs extreme weather (as long as I don't have to do much in it!).

One of my favourite and most exhilarating experiences I've ever had was flying through a lighting storm. The way the sky was this dark navy - beautiful! It took my breath away. I felt calm as well, it wasn't scary at all.

The whole living room suddenly went black and I looked at the sky and behold - SNOW! First snow. No white Christmas but a white January. I guess a baseball top and a denim shirt aren't going to cut it out there. I'll have to break out the knitted polo neck and get a quilted coat on.

Work is really doing my f*****g head in, excuse the expression. Everyone is SO negative at the moment. Other people complaining about other peoples work, what they're doing, how they're not working, how other people take too many breaks, blah blah blah. Who gives a s**t?! Unless it affects you, why complain that so and so took 15 extra minutes on his lunch break because he had to pick up some medicine?! Is it really worth moaning about and cursing over and then causing everyone else to snow ball into a massive rant about everything under the sun including how messy their house is because of their kids? Don't want to hear it! Don't care!

People say it a lot, but they always compliment me on how up beat and happy I am, or how I 'bring the place up.' Honestly, I get tired of feeling like it's my sole job to change the subject, crack a joke and lighten the mood. It's not my responsibility everyones too concerned with everyone else's business.

ARGH!

God, it's the weekend and I can't stop thinking about work. Shut up Lo! Get a grip! Get to the post office in the blizzard you fanny!

Goinggggggggg x

Hi Fudgie,

Yes he is my first everything! First kiss, first guy I lost my virginity too, etc. It's strange but although that makes him very special to me, I know D feels the same way and I am definitely not his first anything!

My husband is not the first time I have ever been in love though. I was obsessed with a guy in college who after about two years of silent admiring asked me out. All my dreams came true and I couldn't say yes. I was so nervous. Looking back now, being 15 at the time, I knew I wasn't ready for what I wanted. We parted ways and I never see him now, but he was my first love in that respect, although we never did anything physical apart from him holding my hand! Ha!

I really admire your strength Fudgie - you come accross very level headed, hard working, caring, wise and stable. I envy you in a massive way! I wish I had more of your qualities. Honestly though, if my husband were to die tomorrow or leave me, I know for a fact I couldn't function.

Have you ever heard about elderly life long married couples where one dies and then the other dies soon after? They say it's due to a broken heart. I've never been in that situation of course, but I feel like I can relate to it. I feel like I'd die inside!

I do agree that I need to find new passions... all my energy is just not getting focused on anything productive apart from a 9 - 5 job which is a total drag and a load of stress, cleaning, going out for drinks and meals out, taking long baths, and seeing friends. I might go to the gym now and then. I have no other hobbies apart from dancing which, I do off my own back but I don't exactly have anywhere to erect a pole in our flat

I really like the idea of meditation and the blank slate you talk about. I am going to try it tonight. I'll try anything at the moment, I feel pretty low and dull.

Thanks Fudgie.

Lo x