Looking Into the Abyss

Thanks madcat619. Your advice is really on, really cool. You're right, move on. I realized that over the past four years, the constant stress of kissing rear ends, wondering if someone was friend of foe, trying to fix or make better a company that was permanently broken, it all built up inside of me. It caused me physical harm. In all that time, I think I forgot what I really wanted to do. It just never entered my mind. I do need to think about it, what it is I want to do and how to get there, but where to begin? There is a financial responsibility, a familial responsibility that needs to be balanced with my own internal desires. It's a hard thing to do in this environment. I guess my goal is to find an interim position. May not be the best or ideal, but something that will help me pay the bills. I'm interested in working in an area that stresses creativity, something artistic, worthwhile. I grew up loving music, art, movies, but always felt these were just idle hobbies and nothing substantive, so I went my way toward the corporate realm, spent 10+ years doing the grind. Is there anything in these fields? Although I do have some connections, I have this tremendous feeling of shame and embarrassment about going to former clients and potential clients to now ask for a job. It feels so humiliating. But is this the right think to do? I guess I have no choice but to find out. If you have any other advice, let me know. Thanks.

I have worked for a company in an industry devastated by the economy and wracked with layoffs. It is a professional organization and image is important, so many of the layoffs have been disguised as performance based (i.e., evaluation based) dismissals instead of economics based. This has the effect of essentially destroying the careers of those laid off. I survived for four years at this company while I saw friend after friend and workmate after workmate get dismissed/laidoff. I am one of two remaining employees from when I started. Many of those dismissed have not yet found permanent positions, and it has been over two years. I was one of the survivors, but I decided to be proactive and try to do some outside marketing to get some clients and client interest in the company. I was successful in acquiring one client and thought the prospects were looking up. I was, of course, naive. It turned out the client I brought in was snatched up by a surperior, someone whom I had trusted to be looking out for me. Of course that was not true. This person took credit for the client and then proceeded to give me a horrible evaluation. I talked to the head management guy whom I also thought I had a good relationship with, and it turned out he was not looking out for me either. Finally, and most depressingly, my designated mentor, a person I had truly trusted, also did not look out for me, and sided with the management guy and the surperior who took my client. I was depressed. Finally, over the holidays, I had surgery for a chronic condition that was causing me pain over the past few years. Two days after this surgery, my wife went into premature labor and gave birth to our first child 2 1/2 months early. He spent 6 weeks in intensive care and was released. Then the bombshell. I was laid off. I got word from my so called mentor who had the nerve to start the conversation by asking how my child was doing. You see, the company I work for is a leftover of an older company that went under during the watch of the current managers. They bungled the whole operation and sullied a prestigious name. Many of the good professionals left and abandoned the idiot managers. At the last moment another company took over, but they left the old management in place. Big mistake. The same problems existed as before. No deal flow, no revenue, just stop gaps, no solutions. We still have more upper management people than lower level employees/professionals (i.e., we are top heavy by almost 2 to 1), and each of the management members do nothing but play power preservation games. They don't care to raise, train or bring up anyone (lots of lip service). It's sink or swim and you're on your own. There is no plan for the future. They all seem to be trying to bide their time to retirement or something better for them. Of course, a lot of employees who were loyal to the company were not shown the same loyalty back. Many of these people's careers have been destroyed. They had a chance to leave when things looked grim, but stayed and were rewarded with pink slips. I have become one of them. Now, I have no idea what to do. Of course, I am angry, confused, bewildered and stunned. That will wear off I guess and proceed into mild and then strong panic. What am I to do? I got a family, medical bills, but no future. Are people that cruel and duplicitous? Is this what all this corporate work stuff is all about?