brokendown87

Day 4 I'm beginning to think this is gonna be much easier than I initially thought. I know I'll have ups and downs but I didn't expect to get periods of not thinking about him this early into it. Had a great chat with a friend today who is living proof of how NC works so I'm plenty happy

So I've spent the past couple of days reading pages and pages of this forum. 4 days ago I was out with my boyfriend who I hadn't seen in weeks (LDR) and we're chatting away and end up talking about babies. He pretty much said he would have one with me right now if I wanted. So then about 4 hours later we're watching TV and he just stands up, walks to the door and says he's leaving. I got a bit annoyed because I hadn't seen him in weeks, I pushed him to tell me why he was leaving and after about 5 minutes of back and forth he says that he doesn't love me anymore and drives off, leaving me picking my jaw up off the ground. That's only scraping the surface of our admittedly toxic relationship (he always did the talk of the future, then physically pull away thing). So I stupidly text him after apologising for how I acted. This was saturday and he didn't reply until monday morning. I spent most of Monday texting back and forth, and he still sent me mixed messages, but also text saying "I don't love you". For a while I acted desperate, even the last message I sent him (which he ignored) was a long I love you speech. I feel so stupid thinking about it. But what I did afterwards was block/remove him from any possible IM, social media, I even used an app on my phone to block texts and calls (not that I need it because he won't be calling). I'm now wrapping up Day 2 NC. He's been on my mind constantly because I'm sick and housebound I'm just worried because apart from a total breakdown after he first left, I've cried maybe a total of 8 minutes over two occasions. I feel numb, and I'm scared that the pain is yet to come. I'm not blameless but I do feel like I fought as hard as possible (probably to a fault) for our relationship. I've had my share of long term relationships, but never felt a connection with anyone like I did with him. I'm scared I'll never find it again.