stalumfi

I could be talking out of my hat. I don't know. I think in a way I'm so embedded in my own issues that it's hard to view other people's objectively. Still projecting, maybe. I wish I could help you, but I don't know how, and maybe I'm still not in a good place to. I just wish I understood better so I'm not judging based on my fears rather than the reality. Everything has to be so damn black and white with me.

Just realising that you never really wanted me, you just wanted a fantasy me, just how I imagine you want women in general. The moment it becomes too real, you repel brutally. I won't enable that anymore. Real life is scary, so is realising most people are a mix of good and bad, and being real means you have the chance of being hurt. The thing is, it needn't kill you. I wasted too many years after being re-traumatised by the psycho I told you about who zoned in on me at the worst time, until it hit me that only I was responsible for my self-esteem, my life and my choices, and I was isolating myself and hurting other people by letting him cast me into depression (glad to be free of that beast). I couldn't trust anyone and became bitter and unrecognisable to myself. I am owning my mistakes and trying to connect with old friends and even making new ones. It is scary at first, but it feels so damn good. The other thing about not letting yourself heal is that you don't protect yourself from psychos, you are just as vulnerable as ever, and when you meet them you feel the trauma again and worse than the first time. You may think no-one will like the authentic you, but you'd be wrong. And do you know what? Knowing the real you, I would respect you immensely if you overcame everything in order to change, because it'd take a huge amount of courage. When you take charge of yourself, it stops here, at this generation. You know, you are taking steps, and I really hope you get there. In fact, I'll be cheering you on if you do. By the way, don't blame me because you feel bad right now, it's not me. It's because you are alienating everyone and you hate what you're doing. Don't sneer at me because I equate my situation with yours. I'm not trying to lecture you, pedantic as I sound. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Why should it matter? Just means I'm fallible like everyone else. You were partially right to feel cautious about me, as I was fully right to be wary of you. But that's ok. I found out that, in fact, I am strong, I'm not the worthless weakling I was led to believe and I'm going to be ok. I also found out that I can acknowledge where I went wrong and apologise. It doesn't mean I'm not vulnerable, I clearly am. But I'm going to sort that stuff out. I'm glad I apologised to you, and you did kind of apologise too. That's something, and I appreciate it. I hope you somehow come to this realisation yourself, because as I said, I'm not going to enable your bad side any more. That stuff stops right here, right now. I hope you'll want to embrace flawed humankind (and that includes you) rather than fantasy land. You know, it's better on this side.

Not an ex, but anyway. Ugh. Is it supposed to be attractive when you play the nice guy to reel me in and then unleash this evil rage? How is that supposed to be different from what you say other people did to you? I mean, you do know that the you allow these people to influence you, or worse still, to define you, the more you risk becoming like them? Oh sorry, I forgot, you know better than me in everything. How dare you treat me as not good enough to ask out honestly or so much as talk to yet stalk my Facebook, blog, etc, etc! That's kind of sick, and what's kind of sick is that my boundaries were so poor that I blamed someone else, ignored it or even, God help me, rationalised it. It's trite, but you've got to start loving yourself, and I don't mean to think you're great, because at this point in time you're kind of an ass. Stop nursing your wounded ego and living in a fantasy world.