stalumfi

I'm feeling a lot better these days because I've left crazy mode. Not over things yet, but that will be a matter of time. Now that I understand I was warring with myself the whole time (recognised your issues very soon, but not soon enough because I was emotionally invested straight away) I don't resent or regret anything, except when I think of said craziness - my own issues were a part of that, of course. I really, really hope you find peace, and I mean that. Life's problems for me are a matter of searching and experimenting until you find the right solution, but as life itself is about progression and change, the past is only relevant as it provides the impetus for change. I have the flu, I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, good luck. xx

It only really hit me today and I cried - for me, for you, and for everyone involved in this mess. The events of last summer are beginning to make sense. Of course. It does make me think that you weren't messing with me after all. No wonder you felt resentment for me if this was a rebound and you acted recklessly because of it. I don't know if I ever mentioned my father. He treated my mother like dirt for years after she finally threw him out (cheating, of course) and us, firstly as weapons against her, and then as toys for his amusement and to bolster his self-image. Need I say we don't have anything to do with him now? Not only because of his treatment of us, but because - there's nothing there where the soul should be. No humanity. Any of us could be one of his workmates and he'd treat us exactly the same, with some necessary adjustment. Now, I don't compare you to him, but I did see some of that emptiness in you - some. I don't say that with rancour. You know how much you mean to me, and I'll always carry some of that with me. But please don't make what outwardly seems the most acceptable thing to do your priority. Those children should be the centre of your world, and whatever your relationship with their mothers, treat them with consideration. Don't make those closest to you feel the brunt of your issues. And if these aren't things that naturally occur to you, ask yourself why. I hope you can build up your shattered sense of self, my dear, because you know that is your stumbling-block, not other people. There is nothing that is as hard to achieve, and as necessary, and as rewarding, as love for ourselves and love for others.

So - congratulations? I know now why you disappeared into thin air. I just wish you had been honest with me then instead of just ceasing contact. It would have saved me some months of heartache and I wouldn't feel so incredibly stupid now for telling you when you clearly had other things to think about.

Taking the bait and putting myself in the way of your punishment for my 'weakness' is not something I feel the need to do any more. At the same time, I do care about you and I'm not going to apologise for it. It's not something you can use or manipulate, but it's there, if it's something you want to know. If you want us to chat every so often in the way we used to, why not? But the main thing is that just because I'm not going to put myself in the way of harm doesn't mean I don't care; and caring doesn't mean I'm going to put myself in the way of harm. I have no illusions about you, I hope; but I still believe you cared, and I think you didn't want to hurt me. And I'm grateful.

I still hope you can find a way not to destroy yourself and other people. That's not to say I have any illusions but - I hope you can find a way eventually.

Yes yes, I'm sure you do have a mental illness, but there is also truth in what she said too. The funny thing is, while I felt you were manipulating me, and I am very sure you're still knowingly doing it, I always had the feeling you didn't really mean to harm me. There seemed to be genuine stirrings of conscience. At the same time, I'm not making the mistake she made of trying to 'save' you (and by the way, she seems lovely). No one on this earth can do that except you. I know the wish for an easy answer, that maybe it's something that can be solved with a quick diagnosis. I do feel you're groping your way. At the same time, you don't want to give up the feeling of creativity, of intellectual superiority. Well, I hate the way you bully people you think don't meet your standards. It's wrong and hateful. You really have had a positive impact on my life. I'd be glad to be able think I'd had an impact on yours, but that is too much to expect. I don't think you respect me. I'm just an object from one of those misogynistic handbooks on how to treat women. I don't know. From my perspective, if I meant anything to you in reality, you wouldn't treat me and others like that. I know you do want to see things from other points of view. It's just that treating others well has to be a priority, you know? More important than your comfort or convenience. It has to be part of your worldview. How can you have enlightened ideas about how the world should be and turn viciously on people with whom you have a simple disagreement? Why tear people down and demean them for simply having another viewpoint? Anyway, I know how much you hate criticism. It doesn't mean I don't like you. But just stop trying to demean me to control me. I want to be able to have respect for you, because I respect people who try to better themselves. I believe it's what we're here for. P.S. Compassion can never be a weakness.

I just hope you know that IF you think it's a good idea and won't interfere with whatever boundaries you have set, I'd like us to talk sometime. You know that this thing was founded on dysfunction, so I doubt it can ever be normal until we're both more stable, but who knows, maybe facing the realities might help. You know the thing I want most right now is to see you feeling good, not that I have anything to do with that. I have absolutely no wish to threaten your progress or infringe on your relationship. In any case, bye for now.

It's selfish of me to talk to you about my feelings when things are so bad for you. You've been very strong to ignore my attempts to contact you. I can only hope you get the help you need if you're not already. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Don't worry, I won't lead you on. Your path is yours, mine is mine. I have a ton of stuff to work out, it just so happens that you are a part of it all.

I tried looking for people who were 'safe', but I couldn't make myself feign an interest because I just wanted you, so it never went anywhere. Time to stop the denial and face down those issues. We both have them, big, big issues. I don't think either of us should be jumping into full-blown relationships in any case. Casual dating? No dating? I wish we could talk this out, though I will certainly be tackling it with a professional.

A post I made earlier has hit home for me. Why was I so afraid of you? Because I wanted you. A natural enough thing in most people's experience, but not in mine. I thought I could only handle desire when a relationship was already established. Because, in my mind, it meant loss of control, fear and degradation. So I denied it, and made it something it wasn't. Do I care for you and respect you? Absolutely. Do I love you? We've never had enough emotional connection, so it's impossible, really. I want you. It's not good or bad. It's a starting point. It doesn't mean I'm in thrall to my desires. It doesn't mean it can't co-exist with respect even if there's no love. Doesn't mean there can be no love. It can lead to something else, or not. It doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you. I can decide to walk away. So can you. I want you, and that's fine.

I no longer regret that it didn't work out when we had a chance because it would have been terrible. I wonder if I'm mad for still hoping there might be a chance at some point. There's a survival instinct in me that wants a healthy relationship, and that means at least one of us has to be the strong one. I want both of us to be stronger. I still want you. But I can't compromise on love and exclusivity and closeness. I don't know what you want. But I want you with all your strengths and all your flaws. I want you to feel safe and loved. I don't want to make a situation where we hurt each other.

This has been one of the really traumatic stages of my life, but something about it made me turn back and face everything else. What was it about it that was different? Did I respond to something in you that is struggling to break free in spite of everything? I wish I could hold you and somehow make things better. God I wish I could do that.

I know that I'm just another ego-boost for you. I get how it works. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you, though. You alone know what has made you feel and act like this and precisely how far back it goes. (And your actions did affect me, which is why I feel I have the right to challenge you on it.) I don't blame you for hiding from it or rationalising it away, if it's had that much of an effect it must have been horrendous. But trying to deal with the symptoms in isolation only goes so far. Self-destruction isn't a victimless crime, you always take out others with you. There's a stage where, if you live as a victim, you become a perpetrator. But really maybe I'm warning myself here. It's an awful pity to let emotion run and destroy your life. I don't say that to judge. I've been told that several times. I have to remind myself of it. I don't talk of feelings to you any more. You'd just despise my weakness.

I care about you. I do like you. But you don't like yourself. Please try and work on that, or you'll self-destruct. I know it's a lot to deal with.

Sorry. I know how you feel. But if we can't be friends I don't think we should have any contact. We're too toxic to one another.

Have worked my head around this, and no longer risk contacting you in any form. Whether you are utterly bad or just gone wrong, I will have nothing more to do with you. Good day.

Following the train of the last thought (this is good therapy). I know you don't want to let the fantasy go and face the real me because life is so hard and that's how you escape. But you need to face down those ghosts. (Again, don't take my word for it.) I know you mean to; or it's too exhausting, or they're too terrible or you'll feel humiliated. But you have to make a start, and you have to keep at it. I know or I can guess what they are, and it doesn't faze me, so they're not going to faze a pro. This is what you need to do; not relationships. Except one; that's what you need to keep your eye on, for the future. As friends we could help each other heal, because we know the worst about each other. I think I know, and I'm not judging you. It's fine. Do tell someone your secrets; someone you trust. Tell them what I said. Don't hide stuff from the pros; how else are they going to help? You're in a fine mess now because they advice they gave was based on a false premise. Be honest. Write it down as a letter if you need to. I can't tell you this in reality, but I can write it down. I wish, how I wish you could trust me and listen to me. I know I can't help you but I wish I could. The best way I can help is to heal myself.

Sigh. Don't keep doing this, please. You know how toxic this is right now. Things have to change for both of us. Tell you what, if you don't trust me, tell a friend what I said and ask their advice. I don't mean one of your imaginary friends, I mean a real one. Think it over. Sorry, I'm busy and can't keep thinking about this, besides, it's not good for me. (I'd make time for you, though; just so you know. I do miss you.) (P.S. Single is fun; I mean the type where you're on your own; not dating at all. Try it.)

Darling, We could have something so much better than how things are now. It's not as if I'm asking no contact - not at all. Please, if you love me, think about everything I said to you. It's the only way forward. I can't do this any more. We can have something good, but not like this. Why miss each other when we can do things properly? We need to change, we both do. Just friends, OK? But real friends, good friends. Close friends, even.

You were right and it took me ages to get there. We are toxic and we needed to set boundaries. I thought if you hadn't always taken offence at me, everything would have worked out, but it would have been a disaster! It still would! Everything was always a tragedy to me, but it was only my co-dependence. I was wrong - I can have a separate existence, I need one. I need to heal and build my sense of self. I need to be single, I need to be comfortable with it. The truth is, I caused you as much hurt as you caused me, and I'm constantly impelled to do so. I'm sorry. I know you don't mean to hurt me, and I don't mean to hurt you but I do it anyway. Railing against you because I never did it to the person who really hurt me. You're right, we both have issues. You know I miss you too, and I love you to bits, really, wrongly skewed as it may be at the moment. I hope if you can forgive me we might be friends - I think we could be great friends. I'm not just trying to cling on to you - I think we were only meant to be friends in the first place. I think perhaps we're in each other's lives for a reason. Thank you, thank you, thank you again. It's been hard for me to know that weakness in myself so I can go and heal it. I have a lot to do, but I'd never have been confronted so starkly with it, which is what I needed. I'd never have known, emotionally, where to start, even if intellectually I knew about abuse and co-dependence and all that. I might have been doomed to years more of blindness. It's so incredibly hard to let you go, but I don't want to hurt you any more, and I don't want to hurt myself. I want to get better, and I want that for you too. Bye for now. I'll miss you, but I'll hope that we can have a healthy relationship from now on instead of a mockery of one - if that's what you want too. I hope I haven't caused terrible trouble. P.S. As a friend - be single! Maybe focus on the little one too. Have a rest. Have some fun. Have courage. Make a new start.

How you treated your ex and child was outrageous, and that's my future if I'm not careful. Does it not shame you? Do you not want to provide a good future for your child? Words are just that - words. You've got to face your past. You know it. The real changes in your life have to come from within as well as without. Would you rather go on living in misery? You can pine away all you want, but I need proof that you wouldn't make me the next victim. And if that other thing she said is true - just go to hell.

By the way, I need reassurance too that I'm not some kind of plaster that you'll use to make you feel good for a while and then discard. This is a huge risk for me, I need to have evidence you're serious about changing and not preying on me. This is it, I'm not doing the push-pull thing any more.

Why didn't you text me? How was I supposed to know? You're still dealing with fantasy me, projecting imaginary slights and creating reasons to distrust me. I am reality, deal with me. Why the hell do you think I've been waiting around so long? Use your rational mind. Step away for a while and think about it. I said I wasn't going to enable you anymore and I mean it. You've got to take a risk. You thought you were last week, but you've got to go one step further. I can't read your mind! You were right to believe me, but you have to see it from my perspective also, I don't understand yours yet. Or do you want me to contact you? Because you've ignored me so far. I have no idea what you want, but I will if you want me to. It's been hard for me to reach out, you know that. I don't know why you would prefer a fantasy to a reality. I think we could create some pretty good realities.

Oh my dear. Am I right this time? You poor, poor thing. How I wish I knew what to do, to try for some contact with you or give you space. You know this intense stuff frightened me and that's why I felt I couldn't trust you. It triggers me. If it's part of the issue, I can deal with that, but you have to get treatment (I know you know this) and, eventually, if we were going anywhere together, make me part of it. Those are my conditions, because my family was completely torn apart due to a personality disorder. Yours (if I am right about this) is different, I think, not one of the malignant ones, but it's nearly ruined things for you. You know my issues, and I will be open about those. Did I see you last week? I only realised well after I'd passed you. I wish you'd texted me though I had to go back on Thursday. It's not all a fantasy, you know. It doesn't have to be. You know how I feel. I'm always just a text or a call or an email or a letter away. It's not as insurmountable as you think and besides I travel quite well myself nowadays. No need to worry about what to do or say - I will take on the burden this time. You needn't be afraid of the real me. I'm quite harmless.