indea08

Perhaps call your local police department or family services office and ask to do a ride along. Don’t mention your novel, don’t ask intrusive questions, just learn. It may take several attempts to learn what you need.

Honestly, I think it would do well for your book, too. Describing the steps taken at the scene is one thing. Using your words to evoke the feelings and the heaviness of the scene…that’s an entirely different experience for a reader. You may capture it more profoundly once you’ve felt a taste of the reality.

Best of luck on your novel.

11 minutes ago, Cynder said:

It's not like this really happened. 

This is why you’re failing to understand.

For them, it DID really happen. They’ve actually walked through a dark home and found a teenager near death from overdose with a suicide note telling their family how sorry they were. They’ve heard the screams and sobs of the mother who’s been sitting with her lifeless child waiting for help, remembering how bright and full of love they were as a child. Cops can’t tell you about the steps of cleaning up a crime scene without remembering the smell of blood and rotting flesh from that one night they’ll never forget. It still pops up in their dreams occasionally.

If these people were to talk you through the steps of these events, in their mind…what do you think they’re thinking of? 

For YOU, it didn’t really happen. For THEM, it has happened and they likely don’t want to relive it.

A marriage, at its most simple form, is a partnership. Life’s circumstances will change, money will come and go. It’s important you have a partner who will pull their weight. It’s not you against them, it’s the two of you against the problem. If I’m being honest, this guys doesn’t sound like he’s being a good partner to you. Can you have an open conversation with him about this? Can you talk to him about your feelings?

11 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yea... the way people talk to people online is ridiculous anymore.  You can't say anything in any Facebook group anymore without it getting twisted around into something negative.  I see this in the vendor group I'm an admin of all the time.  I'm the one that has to go in and clean up the mess when things get really bad in that group, too. 

I wish there was a way to ask people this stuff in real life.  I have a cousin who's a Lawyer, so if I ever have any Lawyer questions I can ask him and not get lambasted, at least. 

And the whole thing with the CPS workers telling me I should be in prison, etc... thinking about how that would have been different in real life is funny.  They all were set on me being a man.  And event when I said, "No, I'm actually a woman."  Well then I'm a liar too because all men are liars, you know?  So, picturing that conversation face to face is funny. 

It is not funny to bring up topics that make people this upset. Those are not funny conversations. It’s sad. CPS workers have seen so much terrible stuff, you can’t blame them for being overly sensitive. They’ve seen the worst of people. They’ve helped young girls who’ve been raped by their male family members. Cops have cleaned up dead children. Their emotional turmoil is anything but funny.

These are very sensitive topics you’re asking about, and you don’t personally know the audience you’re reaching out to or understand their experiences. Similarly, they have no idea who you are. You’re literally a random stranger on the internet asking specific questions about extremely traumatizing situations. Read the room.

It would have been more prudent to put out a feeler and then wait for a response.

”I’m writing a novel that includes some situations I’d like to learn more about. Would anyone be willing to answer a few questions for me via email? I’d greatly appreciate it.”

The fact that she is on his mind during intimate times is concerning. I suppose if he has feelings or attraction to her, he can’t really help that. But anyone with any common sense would know to keep those comments to themselves, especially since you’ve already voiced concern over this girl. I am not sure if your boyfriend is the type who thrives on drama, or he’s really just that clueless about your feelings that he thought it was fine to say something like this:

“For example, last night after we had sex he started laughing and said that he wondered if she ever did what I did in the bedroom since we're twins.”

That’s not funny at all, and very insensitive. I would not have let this roll off my back, it would’ve been a huge problem. It’s such a stupid thing to say that I almost think he’s intentionally trying to get a rise out of you. 

You say you made a post about him and this girl in April of last year. It’s been 9 months and you still have insecurities about this other girl. You’ve given your boyfriend more than enough time to show you whether or not he’s the man you want to build a life with. To me, it does not sound like he will do a great job of taking care of your heart.

15 minutes ago, 4dsc said:

Yes their mom is being selfish and ending a perfectly good relationship. I feel bad for them. But i wont neglect them and they will still see me. She needs to stop using, and taking advantage of me as another poster mentioned. That's the biggest issue here even if she decides to stay with me. These things need to be addressed. 

Debating whether to do the classic man move and dump your kids and everything on their mom, or deciding not to take them away from their mom only because you don’t want their mom to enjoy freedom is not being a good father. That’s being a very selfish, horrible father.

You’re so concerned with how wrong your girlfriend is, but dude check the mirror. You can’t control her, but my God, control yourself. Seek therapy.

5 minutes ago, 4dsc said:

She is more wrong here than i am and she is lucky I'm still holding on and trying. Not for much longer though. I don't need her money and i don't feel like taking the kids because that will give her freedom and i don't think she deserves it with the way she is acting.

Your children are not pawns in your relationship that you can take or leave in an attempt to exert control over your girlfriend. Your thoughts are seriously problematic. Like, really problematic.

Even if your girlfriend is A problem, she is not THE problem.

Your kids need help.

So many red flags here that I don’t even know where to start. 

I guess all I can say is that regardless of how much blame you wanna place on her, I’ve learned plenty about you throughout this thread that tells me you will continue to have the same issues with any woman until you get into therapy yourself.

It will open your mind and improve your relationships in ways you cannot imagine. Please give it an honest try.

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

IMO, this is the result of not understanding or talking through her feelings, not receiving validation, and not having good communication habits. It’s an attempt at immediate gratification. Open communication that allows you to discuss your feelings without fear of reaction or judgement is the remedy for women to stave off the occasional wandering eye and replenish their love.

If you guys go back and re read only the OP’s posts, it doesn’t sound like the issue is just sex, or even mainly sex. That is simply what many posters have focused on and expressed outrage over. 

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What she seems to want is to stay legally married but run around with other men, stay away for days at a time while she shacks up with these other men and have you available for convenient and free childcare. Plus I'm sure your income to pay household expenses is welcome to her as well. Win-win for her, not so much for you.

Are you able to look at her with love and respect after she gets back from a sex bender? How do you think the kids will react to having Mom go away and come back whenever she feels like it?

Sorry to be so graphic but I don't see any benefit to you to put up with this.  

I don’t think this is necessarily accurate, especially after the OP’s most recent comment. Communication from the OP feels cold to his wife. She’s not having her emotional needs met, in this particular instance but also likely in many previous instances, which has led to her current discontentment. What is she to do when she doesn’t get what she needs from her marriage, but loves and doesn’t want to destroy her family? To her, this issue is heavy enough that she needed to talk about it, so in an effort to feel out what his response might be, she opened with, “how would you feel about an open marriage?”
 

To me, thinking as a husband, that is an excellent opportunity to be curious and learn about where my partner’s at emotionally. Clearly something’s amiss between you, but that’s inevitable at some point in every marriage. No one communicates perfectly, there will always be miscommunications or unintentional offense. Not to mention, we are all different people, growing at different rates, with different thoughts and feelings. Two people may share the same experience and yet feel completely different about it. Communication is key. But until you’ve made it a habit and become comfortable with it, starting these conversations is terrifying. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, you’re afraid of being misunderstood, you’re worried about their reaction. Did she do great at her communication? No, but she took the first step and started a conversation. OP, did you do great at your communication? No, you didn’t seek to understand her feelings, you reacted with your own feelings and didn’t validate hers. But, you are here, looking for ways to move forward. I don’t think an open marriage is really what she wants. I think that’s what she thinks is the only solution to her feelings, because she has not gotten the validation and connection she needs from you. If you can give her those things, I think she’ll realize it is possible to find what she’s looking for with you.

Go back to the conversation with her. It will be hard, it will feel uncomfortable and you’ll feel vulnerable. But she chose to spend her life with you so 1. It is her job to communicate with you what she needs and 2. It’s your job to try to give her what she needs without compromising your own happiness. The opposite of this also applies. You have a duty to communicate what you need, and she’s responsible for filling your cup in return. Be curious and find out what it is she needs so you know what you need to give, and consider what it is you need from her so you can communicate that to her. This is the duty of marriage. This is why marriage is not to be taken lightly. It is hard. 

I wish you the best, OP, no matter what happens.

5 hours ago, fantom1399 said:

Thank you for your kind words. I mentioned marriage counseling to her the other morning and if she had any interest in going and she said that she wasn't up for that right now because she still needs space. It's only been a week so I get that but I will not get out of the house. I've been taking my son everywhere before we separated so it'll be no different now when she stays somewhere else. Again, I don't want to think that this is all about sex. I think she is just looking for someone in their masculinity and comfortable taking charge of situations. Unfortunately because I took care of everything in the house, I've taken on the more feminine energy role, which I think is what drove her away. Obviously there are a lot other things going on for her to make this decision but our communication wasn't the greatest. She would internalize everything and never tell me what is going on. I feel like I didn't create a safe enough space for her to share and that's what's killing me inside. I did everything for her physically but not emotionally. I go through the highs and lows and right now, I'm way down in the dumps. I try to psych myself up and self-talk, let myself know that I cannot change what I don't have control over, that I'm should be valued and respected in my partner but that nagging voice will sometimes creep in and just take over.

I think this right here is a good place to be. Your first post, very first sentence, you say your wife just asked you about this a couple days ago, so talking about one of you being outside of the home and talking about separation and lawyers is throwing the baby out with the bath water. Slow down a minute here…

It’s VERY common for people to get restless around the 7 year mark. I say this as someone who’s been married for 7 years and 2 months. I have felt this, I’ve had similar thoughts, and I understand. I was hesitant to say anything to my husband, or anyone really, because I didn’t fully understand my feelings so how could I make someone else understand? But your wife, she made the decision to talk to you about it. Maybe she’s sure this is what she wants, or maybe she thinks this is the solution to how she feels, which is discontent, but perhaps there are other solutions she hasn’t considered.

I think talking to you was a good start. How did that conversation go? Did you listen to her thoughts? Understand how she was feeling? It’s easy to make assumptions, such as her actually saying “how would you feel about an open marriage?” but you’re hearing “I want to have sex with someone else, I don’t want to have sex with you.” Did you create a safe space for an open conversation? Often times, I start to tell my husband what‘s bothering me, and in answering his questions, I learn that my issue was merely a symptom of something else. But it’s in the conversation that I find my true feelings.

Is it possible for you and your wife to take a few steps back here, and have a real and honest discussion about your marriage? Your feelings are valid, but feelings are fleeting and this is a huge decision. If you can find a way to be curious, I think you both might learn a lot about yourselves and each other.

Her approach to the conversation is what puts me off. As you said, there are many ways to go about a household budget, but from what you’ve written, I’m not inferring that she’s done any math at all to get these numbers she’s demanding. 

It’s also hard to say whether $1,000 is appropriate without knowing all of your shared expenses.

Here’s what we do, for your reference (married 7 years):

He pays his bills: auto, cell phone, XM radio, student loans, gas

I pay my bills: auto, cell phone, gas

I make 57% of our total income so I pay 57% of shared bills; he pays 43%: mortgage, electric, gas, water, HOA, groceries, day care, etc.

This way, we each know exactly how much we have to put into our shared account on the 1st of the month, and our remaining money is in our own, separate accounts to do with as we please.

However, as you mentioned, you’re NOT married, therefore I would not assume responsibility for any part of the mortgage. You seem to be very aware of the numbers on most expenses, so you could sit down and do some calculating and try to guide the conversation in a positive direction that’s based on actual expenses. Her reaction to the conversation will be very telling. Fighting over money is very taxing on not just the relationship, but on ourselves as well. 

I’m sorry you’re having to figure this out, but I’m also glad you’re working through it prior to getting married.

I honestly think her mistake was giving you too much information. If it wasn’t a big deal and there was nothing further between them, she shouldn’t have burdened you with the info. 

Sometimes when we’re younger, we tend to over share because we think if we’re totally honest, that’s a good and desirable thing. Most of the time it is. But as you get older you learn that no one is entitled to every bit of information about you, and sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.

Since the ship has sailed, it’s sort of up to you to decide what you want to do now that you have this information. I think if you give it time, your memories together will replace the awkwardness of the current situation, and this guy will fade away into the past. I also think if you just don’t want to deal with the situation, you’d be reasonable to walk away. Totally your call. Best of luck to you.

I think it sounds like a really fun memory to reminisce about one day when you’re older, no matter how it turns out.

Enjoy life. Be cautious and aware….but enjoy it. You only get one go at it.

Ever seen Couples Retreat? I feel like I am Ronnie. I feel like I’m making it through my life okay. I’m 32, married for almost 9 years, two daughters ages 9 and 3. We own our home, we try to take a vacation every year.

But the day to day has me feeling so bored with my life. I feel like I am “Mom” and “Wife” and “Employee” and that’s it. After work, it’s dinner and tv until bed and I can’t stand it anymore.

My husband works outside all day so when he gets home, he wants to play video games. I work at a desk all day so I want to be outside. When he’s had a busy week, he looks forward to golfing on the weekends. In our 9 years, he’s invited me along once. I carry major resentment because of that.

I do have my own hobbies. I love to kayak, and go hiking, camping, fishing, singing and dancing. But I feel like if I start dedicating more time to my hobbies, there will be even less connection between us. It would be nice to partake in my hobbies together occasionally, but it always feels like he’s reluctantly going along with what I want and it’s just not fun. I’d rather not go, or go alone. I’d love to go as a family too, the girls enjoy it, but it’s a lot for me to take them both by myself, and like I said, I don’t want his lack of enthusiasm to bring us all down. I feel like if I start engaging more in my hobbies alone, it will just drive us further apart.

I don’t feel like he’s excited to hang out with me. I don’t feel like any of the time we’re together is good quality time. It’s “I have nothing left and I just want to vegetate on the couch” time. It’s affecting my love level. I’m starting to feel angry. 

The company I work for (I’m an RN) has been bought by another company, so there’s going to be a huge amount of changes coming. I just went through this same thing not even a year ago and it was very difficult. It was a major contributor to my depression last year, and affected the whole family. I’be wanted to leave nursing for as long as I’ve been in it and after almost a decade, I’m finally starting to be honest about what I want from my career. Which is leading me to question other areas of my life that I’m not satisfied with. 

I have to tell him I’m not happy, and my needs aren’t being met. Historically, he does not receive my feelings well despite how approach the discussion. “I feel…”, “It’s frustrating when…”, “I need…”. The longer I wait to speak my mind, the more anger and resentment I feel. 

Still on the wait list for therapy.

Share your similar experiences? Say you’ve been there? Say I’m not being selfish? 😔 

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mother’s here. I truly believe there is no job more important or more difficult than motherhood.

I agree that one failed round of IVF isn’t enough to call to call it quits. It took us 3 years, we didn’t do IVF but we had to do IUI’s. Month after month was torture, and only you know when you just can’t do it anymore.

You didn’t specify how long you’ve already been trying. Maybe think about how much longer you’re willing to give it, and see what your husband thinks, compare timelines??

You say that he’s stated he won’t leave if you aren’t able to conceive, so my personal opinion is that it would not be right to make the choice to leave for him. If you want to leave, it should be for you. He should get to choose for himself and his choice was to stay.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

😞

I don’t think you should go home. Clearly, you don’t feel good about it, and I think that’s worth listening to. Wait another six months. Maybe by then, you’ll actually miss home and look forward to a visit. It does not matter how anyone else feels about it, it’s your decision and it’s perfectly okay to make it for yourself.

On 2/27/2023 at 10:06 PM, Fortnite said:

Hey Everyone, 

So I am a 23-year-old guy that just graduated from college a couple years ago, and working full-time. I recently started dating a girl that is 22-years-old. We've been on 5 dates, and are likely going to make it official pretty soon. This is my very first girl ever. I have never ever dated before, nor have I even been on one date before this. I love this girl a lot and very excited for what the future holds for the relationship.

Anyways, here is the issue here. Well honestly I don't consider it an issue at all, but I fear that my girl will find this as a red flag, and I just do not know how to tell her. I have about 25+ platonic friends that are girls (no romantic attraction whatsoever). However, when I say friends, I mean "friends" by dictionary definition. Not these casual situational friends or acquaintances. I mean "Friend" as in, we are purposeful friends, we text a lot, we FaceTime, we see each other, and they are priority friendships for me. Just like 2 guy best friends or 2 girl best friends. Most of them don't actually live in the area currently and are far away from me, so its not like I really get to spend much time with them these days in person, but I'd say that I FaceTime each one of them around once every 1-2 months for about an hour long. We text pretty regularly, but the texts are often about deep subjects like politics, the news, sports, hypothetical situations, funny stories, etc. We'll often be emotionally open with each other as well. 

Now I do have boundaries with these girls, like we would never hangout 1 on 1 in a closed space. Usually we always make sure a third person is there, or we meet for coffee or a meal at a restaurant. I do intend to introduce this new girl that I am dating to all of those people whenever I get the chance and go to their towns to visit them, but because many of them are long distance, its not like I can take my girlfriend around to see them just easily. Some of those girls that I am referring to are older married ladies like between 35-65 years old, while others are my age married, dating, or single. It's a huge variety. That being said, I DO make special trips around the country to see them from time to time (I do plan to tag my girl along on those trips from now on). The other thing that I am afraid my girl might find weird is that I am pretty darn emotionally attached to those friends, and they do mean a lot to me. Like I am very intentional with them and put a lot of effort into those relationships just like I do with my guy friends. 

I am not sure how weird this is, but just a little bit of background, I am actually a Third-Culture-Kid and lived a lot of my childhood life in Italy. My parents are both American but they live in Italy because they work for an international non-profit organization that has them living there. Therefore, in Italy we are a lot more purposeful, intentional, and serious about our friendships, and we are not just casual like you find here in the states. Friendships are more of a priority in Italy, and we value them a lot, are affectionate, and keep friends for life. This is nothing like the casual acquaintances you find here in the states where people call you a friend but they really don't mean anything by it. Some of those friends are other Americans that I met in Italy as their parents were with the same organization as my parents were with, and some we met at conferences involving the same organization, while others are friends from college here in the states. Most of them live here in the states now. When I was in college, you won't believe how many people were wielded out by my emotional attachments, many girls even mistaked my strong affection towards them, for having romantic interest. Anyways, I taught a lot of people here in the states about my different perspective on what friendship means do to my background, and some were very fascinated by it and those are the people that are still my friends now.  

I am also someone that loves people in general, and if there is anytime I might meet someone along my life journey, and I feel like I've had a good conversation with them, and really enjoyed their company, we'll exchange numbers, and keep in touch, whether it is a guy, girl, or whoever. Obviously, I would tell my new girl about all this (nothing is a secret from her), and include her in all those relationships. Just clarifying, some of those girls are not people that I have shared much of a life experience with, but just know them and crossed paths at different conferences throughout the years, and make efforts to see them. 

Anyways, do you think my new girl that I am dating might find this as a red flag? How did I explain all this to her? Girls on here, what do you think? Would all that I explained above be a red flag to you? Also I wouldn't mind a single bit if my girl had guy friends in the same way. It's completely natural to me. What you all think? Any ideas on how do I explain this to my girl?

If I were the potential girlfriend in this - and I’m trying to remember the mindset of a ~23 yr old - the make or break would be how you welcomed me into this, and your reaction to my feelings. You seem pretty unwavering in your point of view related to friendships, which is not wrong. However, if I (she) feel uncomfortable or want to know more, I (she) would need you to be understanding, open and honest, and patient. If I feel safe to tell you how I feel and trust that you’re going to help me feel better, then I’d likely adopt your ideas on friendship.

Many times in my past, when I’d voice concerns or frustration about another female, the man becomes defensive. They start arguing at me about why they weren’t wrong and why I shouldn’t be upset. It’s absolutely infuriating. If this is your approach, there aren’t many women who will stick around with 25+ competitors. 

Women are very strong, resilient, and understanding….IF you can listen to understand them. It’s all about how you make us feel.

I can understand how going 2-3 years without any emotional support or connection from your spouse would feel traumatizing. Internalizing emotions when you don’t have that support to lean on can be very mentally and emotionally damaging.

What sort of things did you experience while he was away that concern you?

What was your husband’s response when you shared your feelings with him? Does he acknowledge the relationship is not currently healthy?

How ready are you to really consider leaving?

I think I would need some more information here before saying the only way is to call it quits. 

Are you able to talk to him about your feelings? Do you feel he understands you? Do you feel like you understand how he feels? 

If there is a lot of misunderstanding there, it’s no wonder you aren’t interested in having sex. Without the intimacy and closeness with your partner, it’s common for women to lose interest in sex. I am currently going through similar and am just now, after a year or so, starting to feel better.

As a woman, you are guaranteed to need different things than he will need in order to be happy, which also means you will have to give him things that are different from your natural inclination to help him be happy.

Is it possible that you guys are just not understanding each other and not communicating well? Those things can easily be helped with some open-minded learning.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it feels really heavy, maybe even hopeless. It’s always hard to know what the right choice is. You will make your own way through this!!

I am only slightly older than you and can really relate to feeling like I’m drowning when there’s too many tasks and I can’t catch up. I react the same way, I’m anxious avoidant. And it is really cool when the exact message you need to hear somehow finds its way to you, I’m glad that happened for you. I hope you file that away to come back to when you need it again.

If discussion of emotions is not a common occurrence between you guys, she probably didn’t recognize that you were being real and trying to open up to her. And if she did, she likely didn’t know how you needed her to react to it.

You’ve taken your space (which you deserve) to try and recover from the hurt, but in her eyes you’ve cut communication with no explanation and didn’t give her the chance to apologize or understand, so she’s going to be angry when you return (rightfully so). 

Next time something like this happens, try letting her know “hey, that comment really upset me and I want to take a minute to myself to calm down, but I’ll call you back this evening to talk about it.” And most importantly, follow through. Call her back when you’ve calmed down and let her know how her comment made you feel and what you need from her in those interactions going forward.

I STRONGLY recommend reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It’s like having the manual on how to understand the opposite gender. It’s pure gold and can help you navigate literally every problem you’ve described here.

4 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

I could tell him to stop but he'd just do it behind my back.

Them 4-5 years, us 2.5

This is the problem, not the other girl. Is this worth putting up with in order to be with him?

47 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He had sex with that woman and got STD. Got back to you after they fell apart. Its not really a rocket science to figure it out after "we cant have sex for 30 days".

This is where my mind went as well. And it may not be true but if your gut is telling you something is off, it’s probably off. You’ve already gone a month with no contact, I vote for continuing no contact.