PrettyGood

Day 11 (Yesterday) He didn't write me. As I understood from his friend, he made a plan with one woman in my house and she's always telling him, what I'm doing. So it wouldn't be a surprice, if she told some nonsenses about our connection with his friend. Ok... if it's the game he's playing, then I'll create my rules.

Want to add more about yesterday (day 10): At about 01:30 a.m. (late night) he wrote me again third time by Skype: "Why don't you sleep?" I'm interested is he really interested or just feel lonely? Hmm...

Day 10 Wow, seems that I feel stronger today. I didn't write him anything today, so it's strange to get the 2nd day his Skype message, asking how do I do? I asked him why is he writing me? He told me that he missed me, but just some part of him, not all. So I felt angry about it. I asked him what was his decision about my answer yesterday not to do abortion if we have a baby accidently. He told me that 24 years old women should do an abortion, but he is still thinking. So I told him that it's my oppinion and I have causes not to do any abortion. And if he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't need to think about some excuses like abortions or babies. He just need to find a new one girlfriend to make as many abortions as he want. I told him that I'm not ideal woman, but if he doesn't love me the way I am, then I'll find anyone else who will. Seems that this answer was a sharp arrow to his heart. He thought that it was my decision. I told that it isn't so, but he have only these days to 23rd day, because he asked to give him a month to decide. So I told him that he still have time, so if he miss me or have an answer, he's welcome to tell me it in these days. He told he will do it. Well, I'm feeling stronger. Seems that my inner pain and raising angst on him helps me to fight with this problem being alone. [-(

Day 9 Easy day. I didn't cry today. I have been less nervous. Just sleepy some, because of medical cure. Well my ex wrote me today by his own initiative: " What if I return to you and you accidently get pregrant, but I don't want this child?" I wrote that I don't do an abortion, but maybe would live separately from him. And also wrote that he's not pushed to have any babies at all... He didn't reply. I think he was thinking about new way to escape from returning. What an idiot. Also my university friend wrote me by Skype. He registered to new university to be separately from me. He was in love with me in the past, so now he have a great job, new car, travels abroad sometimes, his university is paid by his job directors and that his life is perfect now. 2nd idiot. Why they want to bite me so much by these words?!

Some things I want to update about this evening (still day 8). He still didn't write me. He's in "Busy" status on Skype. I think that he's having a perfect and not sad evening with any of unknown beauties... ehh... And I'm sitting at home, because I'm still not ready to go to clubs to meet people, beautiful girls and beautiful guys. I'm just sitting here, playing online games, watching tv and want to drink... But no! I don't let myself to drink alcohol even a little drop! I even don't let myself to buy it and to keep any of these beautiful bottles at home [-( Because it would break me finally. I better cry a lot to ease my pain than drinking. I won't let myself to drink until I feel happy again. Because if I drink now, it will associate me with this bad experience. So... I'm trying not to cry and not to drink. I'm helping myself reading book about self-help psychology. It works some, because I'm not happy, but in possitive mood. That's better. Ok, good night, everyone. Hope, you're with me.

Day 8 I have no self-confidence and also no respect for myself. Yesterday I wrote him again maybe 1.000.000th time (joking) " Do you want to forget me and not contact me anymore by giving me no communication?" And send 3 soft sms messages about my dreams to be with him. Guess, did he reply to any of them? NO! What a stupid girl! Why am I doing this pain to myself? Sure, he don't wanna this communication anymore! ](*,) Also yesterday a nice boy wrote me by Skype and told me a nice story how he was pissed off his girlfriend. His girlfriend wanted to know about his every move in life. So he felt like in jail and left her finally. He advised me to forget my ex and start living myself, search for a new boyfriend. He also told me: "Your ex doesn't love you, if he would, he brought you 100 roses after 10 days". I liked his sincerity. It was like a big kick to my dignity. Also my mother called me again and asked how am I? And today my job colleague told me a story how she left her boyfriend, because he corresponded with other girls. She gave him no attention and after 2 years, he's still calling her and asking to forgive him. So she used NC tactic. And one more thing, I'm still afraid to find another person. Yesterday suddenly I saw a short movie about the dating online. Young man asked young woman to go to a date. They went to a coffee bar. Then she brought him to her home. Suggested tea, but he attacked her and raped horribly. I was in shock. He seemed a normal guy, so how should I know that my next boyfriend won't be a serial rapist? Or a man who using force against woman? Or anything else? I'm so afraid... I looked at a lot of men photos in dating website (I don't have much time to go to dates in reality) and they all looked scary for me.

Well we were 2,5 years. I think I should pass the same period to heal and not to react spontaneously.

Day 7 Yesterday night I made a huge mistake. I drank some cure from nerves and stress and tried to watch a movie. But my chosen movie was about love, so I began thinking about him, pressed "Pause" and wrote him by Skype. I don't know why I'm breaking this NC contract so often, but yesterday I felt sure 100% that if I talk to him honestly (VERY honestly), he WILL return to me or not at all in the future. So I told him everything what I feel for him, that I'm very sad without him, that I love him, need him, that I can lay my head for him if he needs. And that he can ask me ANYTHING just for returning to me again. I even used words such as " I pray for you, please return to me and be my boyfriend. I need you so much and I feel so hard that you even can't imagine". Well I wrote him a lot of minds and he told me twice: " I still need time to think, can I give you another chance to disappoint me". I swear him a lot that I will not let him to feel any hurt and I will try for him as hard as possible to make him and me happy together. But seems he became angry on me and wrote me: " STOP! I don't wanna to hear your hysteric emotions anymore. You're making everything worse!!" So I wrote him a last sentence: " God, I still can't understand, how can I make everything worse if I want to make both of us happy?!". He replied: " It's not so easy for me as you can imagine". Then I disconnected. It was about 2a.m. at night, I cried a lot and then felt asleep. All the night I tried to explain myself that he tries to brake any connections with me, and how can't I understand this? So today I will try to search for a new boyfriend, because it seems I'm gonna crazy step by step. I don't recognize myself as normal person. I became some kind of paranoiac and schizophrenic.

I don't understand myself. I'm gemini. And also feeling as 2 persons in 1. I'm ALWAYS angry on myself and ALWAYS forcing me NOT TO CONTACT HIM! I'm so sad and also angry on myself. Everyday I'm explaining myself million/billion of times that I SHOULD NOT THINK ABOUT HIM, I SHOULD NOT CONTACT HIM, I SHOULD FIND ANY OTHER ACTIVITY INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT HIM. And what? NOTHING. Maybe I'm too silly to listen to myself? Seems that my inside doesn't want to believe and rejects every mind to leave him and to forget him. I didn't write him today. He also didn't write me. But it's too hard NOT to do it, because NO-ONE can stop me of doing it. And I'm so tired to fight with myself DAY AFTER DAY. I'm the worst enemy No. 1 for myself.

Thank you, I knew that there are several stages, so I think I'm in 4th. I'm waiting that last stage so much. Because now I don't think anything as how I hate him. Well I think I need to find some new activity... The college years will continue soon, so I will think about business and studies more. Thanks God...

Day 6 I can't believe I am at day 6. It's easier, but maybe because I wrote him yesterday by Skype. Well my hope percentage that he will return after this trial month is 70:30 (He won't|He will). Maybe I'm wrong or pessimist, I don't know what's wrong with me. Yesterday I was angry on him, because I still don't understand how could he make love with another girl. Yeah, still same questions. But I'm sure today that he will not write me, because URH... he's so "busy"...! Oh, my evil ex can act like busy. But I know - he's not, cause much of time we lived together, he told me that even in his job he can play a PC games. Heck, what a liar! Maybe it's a changing and healing stage, but it gets worse for his side. Firstly I felt sadness, then depression and now I begin to HATE HIM SO MUCH!!

Day 5 This morning I just couldn't work at my office desk at all! Even to do a minimum work to distract my attention from looking that he's in Skype online. I put my hands on keyboard 5 times, and 5 times put it away. My heart was beating like a drum, but I was so sad, had so much to tell him, that I couldn't stop myself. The only illusion was to talk to my heart. What should he answer for me? How to write not to look rude or poor girl? 3 hours passed, and I didn't stopped myself. I wrote him: "Hi. I know that I shouldn't write you after our last conversation. But I just need to know, how do you feel, when you told me everything directly to my eyes?". Well, what should I hope? He wasn't surprised: "What should I?". He wasn't minded to talk to me, because he was in his job. So I just asked him some questions and told that now I feel disgusting that he betrayed me with other girl. He told me that I left him first, so he was free to make love with anyone he wants. He also told me some positive minds. He told me that by our conversation he didn't left me finally. That he's hard working and I shouldn't worry that he's not writing me. So when he will have a free time, he will write me himself. Also I suggested for him to go for a walk someday. He agreed, just told me that he don't have time for this this month. I'm still lying myself that I care for him, but he's not showing attention. Interesting, when will he write myself first? I think never, if I write it more and it's no good.

Some information about my last (day 4) evening: Yesterday he was online, but marked as "Busy". He's always marked as "Busy", but what is interest for me, if he's not trying to communicate with me? Yes, he didn't wrote me. Full of day I was working in the office such as every day. Then I returned home. My neighbour came drunk to see me, but I closed the doors and told him correctly that I don't want to see him ANYMORE! He went away. Maybe he didn't understand me, because later he wrote me and suggested to drive some, and I replied again "Get off! Please, don't follow me every time and everywhere! Don't be mad, I'm sick and tired of your attention. Get off!" It was very rude, but I'm really tired of this obsessive person. My ex does not write me. That neighbour is trying to act like my personal angel-guardian with his excessive attention. I hate it! In the evening I listened to music and cried a lot. I cried so much, but it made me feel easier. I wrote a letter to my ex, but only as my personal diary. Not for sending him. Then read about striptease dancer's couple in Italy and it's romance. And at last I began watching movie "The Best man", but I felt asleep.

Well I'm sorry to hear that, I'm in different situation, but I try to understand you. So I think that you shouldn't write him anything. It's hard, I believe, sometimes I even myself firstly do something, and then think that it was wrong. Try to think before you do: What he will answer everytime you want to talk to him. Sincerely, - men not every time give a response. So if you think that bad response will disappoint you - don't write anything. What is wrong with you? The problem is clear - you still think of him. Because you still love him or because of your ego, if you can't let yourself to forget him so early. And to forgive him sincerely. For a long time, sure.

Omg omg, what a horrible day today. My 4th day without him. Feeling dead. Having so much thoughts about him, seeing him online and knowing that I shouldn't write him, because he betrayed me and asked not to push him. Sure, he also mentioned, that he WOULD BE GLAD to get my messages. How should I cope with it? I love him so much that it seems I could die for him at this moment. Every painful minute I'm feeling like a dying patient with cancer with no hope and waiting for family members which will not come to visit me on time. How can people be so selfish? I love him so much that I can even forgive his betrayal with other woman. But he was so cold, so cold that even didn't want to hear my love feelings and cryings. I'm sitting at job and feeling bad. I even can't hear what people say to me, because it feels like I will die soon or go crazy IMPORTANT, yesterday evening his friend came and told me that... he loves me. What a horrible thing! That's a real betrayal! I thought about it once, but not about his visit to tell me it directly! He was crying a lot for me and asking "Why are you so stupid loving HIM? You have a man besides you and I love you! Why can't you love me?!" It's a nightmare! I don't feel anything for this man! I don't love him! I even don't wan to see him. My ex hates him after he saw us sitting on a couch and drinking cider, talking. But his friend was like a madman. He repeated me that he won't go out! He prayed that he could be my friend, if I don't want him as boyfriend! And I repeated it a lot of times for him and told him that it's a nonsense and I will not be with him - EVER. The worst is that he's my neighbour. But my life story is now like drama movie. I'm afraid that HIS friend wouldn't go to talk to HIM as man to man and say that he loves me and ask not to return to me. How horrible... He promised not to do this, but how could I be so sure???? Maybe I need to move to live somewhere else? Phew! My afternoon: I wrote to a Skype window for my ex "So how is it feeling to be alone?" Thanks God, I found my inner power NOT to push the button "Send". So I cancelled this message and he didn't get it at all. What am I trying to fool? Myself? Well I just heard my inner voice telling me: "And what should he answer to this message?". I thought he would tell ok and think, that I'm still the same obsessive his ex girlfriend. So I didn't do it. I'm proud myself and feeling easier some.

So here's my 3rd day without him: I can't believe I'm still living in this Earth after so much negative minds and painful days and nights. But I'm still here and I think it's a miracle for me to show myself that I CAN do a lot of things, only if I try so much. Today's morning was hard for me. At the first second I understood that I woke up, I tried to figure out what should I do on lonely Sunday morning. Sure, I began thinking about him. My friend wrote me a sincere message and gave me an compassion. On the afternoon I shut down my computer and dressed beautiful. At last I ordered myself to go for a walk. I never went alone, but it is as it is. Firstly I drank 2 tablets from nerves and went to a book store. I bought a great book: Ralph E.Retherford, M.D. "When chicken soup is not enouth". In my native language it means "When medicine is helpless". The book is about how to create curing miracle through subconsciousness and body connection. In other words through positive inner thinking. Then I WENT TO CHURCH!! Yes, it was almost first time this year, but I needed it so much. Every time I feel too bad to live, I'm going to church to recover my inner peace of minds. I didn't pray, I just sat there and that's all. And it helped me to calm down! Also there was a lot of people, so I felt not alone. It's a good suggestion for everyone! Go to church, not for praying, just to sit calmly and recover your minds. Then I went for a walk. And lately, I came home and watched the newiest "Sex and the city: the movie". I cried a little, but it was easier to cope with my pain, when watching about love. He didn't wrote me anything today. That's good, because I miss him, but also I understood that I have my conscience not to write him too I wish myself and others good luck for the next days to feel NOT ALONE

Well I think I heard everything what he said, but the most I heard was that he SLEPT with other girl. I doesn't give me a silence. How could he do it? I feel betrayed after 2 years relationship. And still how can he suggest things that I didn't like? Like a prior things in his life? I was thinking about children already and marriage and that was things about he was thinking. He told that he always repeated me, but maybe my eyes opened just nowadays

The worst thing that I still want. Because I'm going crazy feeling lonely more than 1 month. If I find someone lovely, I'll try to leave him, but now I have a deep heartache. I'm also afraid what if we'll be a couple and he will tell me one day after some years: "Lets try a group sex with lot of girlfriends or I'll leave you". I will be old one day...

Well I'm slim I think, I'm 166cm and 47kg. Wait... I took my weight on a scales now. It's 46.2 now. The minimum I had 45kg. I never seek a 50kg! And it's normal I think, I'm not bony, I'm beautiful slim. My mother called me and gave a compassion. She told that now she will call me everyday and will try to find a psychologist for me. She thought I'm mazochist maybe not to leave person who hurts me. And I drank tablets from nerves. I'm not crying now, but my face is now red and scarry as big Helloween pumpkin. I have a deep headache inside.

So... the 2nd day I wait until afternoon, doing a lot of things not to think about him. But lately I gave up and called him. He couldn't talk. So I called 4 times and he dropped my call. Finally I asked him through Skype to visit me and when he appeared online, promised to do it this evening. Also he told me: "Don't call me like crazy! If I can't talk, so I can't!" The evening came more stressful than I coul imagine. He arrived at my home, I suggested coffee, but he always tried to sit in front of me and drank only water. First words were: "Sorry, but today I will not tell you that you hope to hear". I felt lost. Then he told me some things that was important to him to decide and here it is: 1) He still needs time to think about from 2-4 weeks, because he afraid that my beautiful promises can remain just promises. So he's in doubt to believe me or not. 2) He took some action, which was dangerous for him. He didn't mentioned what it was (job? girl? jail? He couldn't tell me!). So he took it because he lost me and then he didn't have what to lost more. Now this dangerous thing can move him to some abroad country, even United Arab Emirates. I know he's a business man, sometimes doing even illegal things, but travel abroad for 1-2 years? I began crying so much. He told me that it's a little chance, but he doesn't want to get me in his life through this period of his life. 3) He told me that he was faithful while we were having friendship. But when the things went wrong, he slept with other girl. He did it, because that I didn't like to get oral sex from him. So he made it for other girl and now they're writting sms sometimes. I promised not to be jealous, but he told me that I can't do anything here, so he can't promise not to make love with any girls, while we are separated. Also it's a big deal for him that I could give him do an oral sex for me. But if I still tell him I don't like it, he will leave me. Because other girls can let to do for themselves. 4) I am very jealous girl. So while we had a friendship, I was always shouting while found his sms or internet cheating evidence. At last he proved it. Sometimes he was too lovely for them. So he told me that he will continue writting sms and e-mails for these girls officially, and if we will be couple someday I could not to shout on him. He's younger 0,5 years than me and he told that it's proof for him that he's still sexy for unknown women. Even if he's not going to sleep with them. I asked not to make love with women through his period, but he told me that he's not going, but who know how it goes... 5) I have little pets in the cages. So he told me, that if we'll be a couple someday again, he will take these animals to balcony not to see it. Thanks god, that he didn't asked me to sell them. That's all. I came to him and cried for almost 1 hour. I couldn't stop. Told him that I need him and I'm afraid that he will not chose me, but he was so cold, that I thought he even not hear me. Also he told me that I'm thicker. And pointed with a finger to my stomach. Maybe he thought that I'm pregnant from his friend. What a nonsense. I'm sure 100% that I'm not pregnant and my weight is only 47kg!! But he told that my stomach is thicker and laughed at me. Then he went out, and asked me to think about what he said. I still cry.

Good morning for all... the 2nd day of this tragic feeling trial continues... This day has just begun, so I will update more information about my second day later. I just want to say that yesterday I returned home about and afternoon and wrote him through Skype: "Hi, I'm already at home. I really miss you, so if you want to see me today, you will find me at home. Waiting for you. Sincerely". He didn't reply me anything. But I just wanted him to know. I knew that it's a lie to myself that he will come, but believing is the last positive hope I have. So I updated my story here and waited for him. Guess did he come? I bought 1 pair of new evening shoes and earrings, weared my beautiful dress, made a make-up and hairstyle. Tried to be as positive as I can so much. I cleaned my rooms, made a big cup of tea. I was waiting for him till the midnight. Till then I saw him online on Skype contacts list. And before a midnight he turned offline. I tried to lie to myself again - that maybe he will come. But I felt a sleep and today I woke up alone again. I'm so disappoinet today. Keep trying not to write him. I'll see what will happen later today.

Hello, Maybe my story will ressurect this topic, but I'm new here and want to take part in it. I saw that this folder named "Getting back together" and this topic was inside, so I want to tell you additional game rules I want to do... My story is that I left my biggest love, I had relationships for 2 years. The cause was that he didn't want to live with me together. He told me that I'm too often angry on him to do it. I didn't agree and gave him a week to think again. But after week he didn't told me anything new, but: "I really love you, but don't want to live with you. We need to solve our arguments first. And I don't want you leave me". Sure, I left him and was very sorry after all. Well after some days he came to visit me to take some his things from me and found me drinking with his friend. He thought the worst and left us alone. He was very angry, but didn't told me anything, but: "I came here to change my minds, but I found you two. How should I believe you now that you didn't do anything more than that?!". I cried a lot for it. A month passed and I still have a bleeding heart. I changed my minds. I wished to him back, because he was still contacting me. He told me through internet chat: "I need a person which I still love to be next to me. And that person is you". I felt happy. And then I told him the same feelings. I suggested to return to me. He promised to think about it for 1 week. The next day he drove next to the place I live. I knew it and asked that his friend to go and tell him the truth. That friend denied him that we had something serious. But my ex boyfriend told him: "Now it doesn't matter anymore". He was very angry on me that friend came to talk to him as 3rd person. Today is the 5th day of the week he told me to think. But everyday he repeated me day by day: "Don't rush me, I need time, so I can't still meet you, because I love you and don't know, if I can trust you anymore. I don't know if I want this friendship reload. This weekend is still not ended." This evening is hard for me. You know how hard is to spend a Friday night alone, when friends doesn't have a time for me today, and he is not writing me anymore. Till today he became more angry as before and I don't know why. I asked him yesterday: "Have you a new partner, because you wasn't in doubt before? Maybe you are also thinking for her?". But he denied that he has anyone. Also he told that the month he passed without me is too short that he could believe my longing for him. Everyday and every evening I'm thinking about it and worrying too many times. And I can't stop. It made me depressed person which can't even sleep at night without nerves and nightmares. I'm worrying for his decision. I'm going crazy, because I'm jealous person, but try not to show him. I don't know where he's every evening, just sometimes know that he goes to have fun with his friends, maybe girls too. So I thought I will join here to ease my inner pain. I WILL TRY - not to connect him myself, even if it's too hard to do for me morally. I want to return him back so much! So I thought about the situation and I think that my actions can be helpless and worthless to try. Not to connect him for 1 week if I can at least, up to 1 month. If he try to find me, I'll let him, but only then, when he really show that he needs me again