MrBrightside15

Day 25 This week is going VERY slowly. I'm waiting for the weekend because I'm going on a roadtrip with my buddy, and I'm also anxious for next week to get here when I'll try to meet up with you again.

Day 24 Two weeks away from our group vacation to Las Vegas. I'm looking pretty good by this point, so be prepared to eat your heart out!

Day 23. Hung out with S & T, our best friends last night along with a few other people. Basically I'm hanging out with "our" friends without you. We've hung out with this group so many times before, and only now do I see how bad a boyfriend I was - I was just so boring, wasn't I? I showed no affection, and wasn't really any fun to be around. Urg! I wish I could go back and be so much better, but of course I can't. Instead, I'll have to use my former lameness to my advantage now and show you how much I've changed and how much fun I am now, because last night I was a lot of fun!

Day 21 and I'm bored

Day 20 She texted me last night out of nowhere. She said "So I don't know if this is breaking the talking rule. I was just wondering how your graduation was." I graduated last Saturday, so it's kind of late to ask that question, and it's not like it was the first time she heard about it. I even saw her in public since then, though she tried to be cool and ignore me. I'm thinking she texted when she did because she knows I usually work Wednesday nights till 9, so there would be a good chance I'd be home after. It's just so strange. She acknowledges that we're not supposed to be talking according to my request, but then asks a question like that. It's graduation, it was fine and just like any graduation. They don't go good or bad, haha. Obviously it was an excuse to talk, but the question is why? Was she missing me? Feeling lonely? Genuinely wanting to talk? Perhaps she didn't like how weird it was when we saw each other and wanted to break the ice a little, so that's what she did. Maybe she expected me to call her and tell her all about it. I did text back, but all I said was "Graduation was good. I'm glad I decided to go through with it. Thanks for asking." She never texted back. It's hard but now I have to move on from this and get through the next few weeks until I see her again. This is the 3rd or 4th interaction I've had with her since I started NC, so it's ending up not being strict NC after all. It's still working for me though.

Day 18 I missed posting here yesterday for the first time. I saw her yesterday. For a part time job i work at a dept store, and she showed up with her and two friends. I turned a corner and they were right there walking towards me. I saw her friends first and said Hi, then I saw her. She acted as if I was someone she has no interest in whatsoever. Basically just kept staring ahead as I passed her. I felt like it would be really childish for us to just walk past each other, so I gave her a casual tap on the shoulder then kept walking. After that, the three of them were back in my dept of the store for at least 20 minutes, and yet she never came and said Hi or anything. I really debated if I should approach her, then I remembered my NC. I would only talk to her if she approached me. It really sucked that this happened. I sucked to be in that situation. I didn't want it to be weird, I really didn't.

Day 16 Today was a really good day, and that is due to two things: I was occupied all day and surround with people, and I was with other girls. Took a drive to see the little sis in college and hung out with a couple of her friends - really cute girls. One in particular had me quite smitten, haha, and she's only 3 years younger than me. I've known all along that what I need is to hang out with with other girls; receive the interest of other girls. The problem is that's way easier said than done, especially coming out of a long term relationship - it's not like I've been lining girls up in case I ever needed them! It's actually been something that I've really worried about lately. Since we broke up in January, I've been trying to make a connection with another girl, just to make a new friend if nothing else and haven't even gotten close. It just makes finding someone else seem really bleak. And finding someone else is what my goal is because with all this NC all I can do is assume that she is moving on and getting closer and closer to her new guy. When I see her in about three weeks I'm going to try and have made even more progress than I have now.

Day 15. Today I graduated from college, and had a really tough day. These last few days I had been doing well and making good progress, but ever since last night at the banquet I have been really down. This is a big deal, graduating is a huge milestone, and the entire time I couldn't help but think that you should be there with me. You should be next to me taking pictures, next to me while I'm shaking everyone's hand. I can't help but get the feeling like all this NC is taking you further away from you. I thought that maybe today you would text me congratulations, but you didn't. I really hope I haven' made things worse, but then again NC really was the only choice. That Maroon 5 song "Misery" has really been hitting home recently. The whole song is a good example of how I feel most days, especially the parts "you really got me bad, you really got me bad. Now I'm gonna get you back, I'm gonna get you back."

Day 14 Two weeks, and I think I have come a long ways. I'm feeling down tonight though because tomorrow is a huge occasion - I'm graduating from college. You should be there with me, but you won't be. I really wasn't expecting to hear from you at all, until my mother told me that it would be horrible of you not to just send a simple text saying congratulations or something. I'm going to try and not be disappointed when you don't text.

Day 13 Probably the best day so far. it was the first beautiful day of the Spring (ridiculous since its dam near May) and I was able to really enjoy myself. I spent time with some of my ex's and my mutual friends tonight - ones that she actually introduced me to. I still thought about her tons today, but my mood was different. It wasn't about missing her terribly and wallowing in heartache like I have been, but more of a positive "whatever" or even "i dont care" attitude. Hopefully this continues and tomorrow isn't just right back to being sad.

Day 12 Today wasn't a very good day. I actually had a lot of negative feelings today. At work tonight I was unfortunately all by myself, so alone with my thoughts all night. I just had a bad feeling about a lot of things. It was just a bad state of mind, but it just seems like I kept imagining the worst case scenario. Like I kept thinking like you haven't contacted me at all because you don't care if we talk or not. I imagined that you were spending your night with your new guy, getting closer and closer. I thought about what you said about possibly bringing him to our sand volleyball games when they start next month. When you said it, I thought you meant maybe you'd let him tag along once to watch, but tonight I almost thought that maybe you were saying he would be on the team as well. I can do nonchalant once with him on the sidelines, but if he's on the team week after week, idk if I can handle that. I also thought about the wedding coming up and just how possible it is that you'll bring your new guy with. That's a long ways away, and hopefully tomorrow I'll be in a more positive attitude. Either way, I have a ways to go yet.

Day 10. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Day 9. I considered the possibility of getting a Happy Easter text from you, then I quickly dismissed it. First, Easter has never been a big deal to us, so wishing me a happy easter would be too obvious. I realized this when I thought about sending you one, that it would be way too transparent of a message. The fact that its Easter has really made it hard today. Nothing is open, everyone is with family, so there's really nothing to do but sit here with my thoughts. Happy Easter, nonetheless (but not too happy, haha).

Day 8. Start of week 2. Ugh.

Day 7 - one week and still really missing you. Things would be much easier, I believe, if I had another girl to spend some time with.

Day 6 - Didn't have much to do today which made it really hard. Lots of time to sit and think about her. It's Easter weekend though, meaning lots of friends will be coming home for the weekend. Hopefully it'll be good.

Day 5. Was able to keep pretty busy today with various things. Still had you on my mind almost the entire day, but at least there were things going on that I could try to focus on. Yesterday was when you texted me, and I sent you a nonchalant text back. Didn't hear from you again, not that there was really any reason for you to text back again. This is the fifth day of NC, but it's the first time that I really have no idea what you might have been doing today/tonight. Not that I should be thinking about it, but I can't help it at this point. I'm getting flashes of feeling what it must be like to move on. They only last for a moment at a time, but a few times a day I'll be doing something that makes me very comfortable and accepting of the situation, like it doesn't matter anymore. It's like I don't have to fake nonchalance, but actually feel it. Like I said, though, the feeling is very brief and I go back to being sad again very quickly.

Day 4: You just texted me about your appointment yesterday. You said that it went ok and that nothing was apparently wrong but your still waiting on the biopsy results. You ended with "just so you know." I'm not sure how to interpret that, if it's irritation I didn't ask you myself about it. You texted me right before you went to work, which I found interesting. I did not expect you to tell me; makes me wonder what you've been thinking. Ill probably have to cheat on my NC, mostly just to be polite, and let you know I did in fact receive your text and am glad your okay. Nothing more than that though. I like to think that these last four days have been hard on you and this was an attempt at pulling me back in. Maybe, but if it is, I'm not falling for it. It'll take much more than one text to change things.

Day 3: Worse than yesterday but better than Day 1. I really want to talk to you about how your colonoscopy went today, but if I contacted you three days after I said we shouldn't talk I would look just pathetic. I kind of hoped you would've called me to let me know, but I knew you wouldn't - you're more resolute than that. I really hope you don't think I don't care. You know how much I care about you, so I don't think that's the case. Hopefully today was miserable enough for you to think about me and wish I was there. Good post Jersey Kid. That sounds like a good place to be after a month. The last thing you said was especially interesting to me. At what point does that change? After two months? Three? Six? And what if she is thinking the exact same thing and it just turns into a game of chicken and who hurts enough to give in first? That could result in both of you wanting to talk, but both being strong enough to hold back.

April 18: Day 2 Copy and pasted from my journal I’m doing a lot better today than yesterday. It’s not that I miss you any less or am thinking about you any less, but my attitude is at least more positive today. Yesterday I talked to my friends and my sister about you and I. They all agreed that I just need to separate myself from you for both our sakes. I need to cut myself off from you because talking to you just messes with my head. I also need to cut myself off from you to make you finally realize that you stand to lose me. For three months I have always stayed around, making the break up easier for you. When I did take myself away for a short time, you had a little taste of life without me and didn’t like it. Now you will get a much larger dose; we’ll see how much you like that. Andrew in particular was hard to talk to. He’s pretty mad at you, but you know how pessimistic he can be. I’m trying to take his advice with a big grain of salt. I’ve been trying hard today not to think of any specific memories of the two of us, but it’s so hard. It’s like saying “don’t think about elephants.” It automatically makes me think about us. This is the house I grew up in, but since you lived here for two years with us it leaves memories in absolutely every corner. My gut wrenches when I think about how you used to walk these same halls, and sleep in this very room. You used this bathroom, this shower, did your laundry here, daily. This used to be your home, too, and now everything still has your imprint on it. I could go on and on but I better stop for my own sake. It really bothers me when you told me the other night that you invited pilot guy to the apartment. The same apartment that used to be ours, to which I only returned my key a week ago today. You probably invited him into the bedroom, our old bedroom, and into bed – the same bed that we shared together. It’s so hard to think of you being with someone else. Some people have said you are a horrible person for getting into another relationship so fast. I’m less quick to judge you. As horrible as it makes me feel, I don’t know that I can say I would do it any differently if I was in your situation as the dumper. I know that if I had another girl that I liked spending time with and becoming intimate with, I would definitely take the opportunity. The fact that I don’t right now makes it really hard to know you do, though. I know right now that you are probably sitting at home getting ready for your doctor’s appointment tomorrow. As unpleasant as a colonoscopy is, hopefully it will give you some answers for what’s wrong with your stomach. You’re probably in for a rough night, having to take that laxative. I was planning on trying to be with you tonight, and comfort you while you go through this. I’m not sure if your brother is there or not. I know that pilot guy won’t be there. If he’s even in town, there’s no way you would let him see you in that state. Maybe this will give you a little bit better of an idea of what real love is. I would’ve been there for you. I was going to drop off a movie for you, and maybe watch it with you if you would have let me. Now, though, you won’t be hearing from me. You won’t hear from me tomorrow, either. There are some things I need to take care of tomorrow, but nothing that couldn’t wait if it had to. You’ve got a long day in the hospital, and I would’ve been there by your side the whole time. Your mom will be there, I think, which is good. Before, I would’ve called you in the morning to talk before you went in, and asked you to let me know if you needed anything, but now you have to be on your own. I hope your night is okay, but miserable enough to make you wish I was there. I’m not sure if you’re expecting me to contact you, or if you think I’m expecting you to tell me about how it went, but I’m not. I want to know, of course I do, but I can’t. By the slim chance that you do send me a text or call me to let me know the results, I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. You probably won’t though. It’s only been a day. You don’t miss me right now. There hasn’t even been time for you to realize I’m not going to contact you. I spent some time on the internet looking for weight lifting programs. I’ve been working out since we broke up, but haven’t packed on much muscle. We’re a month away from sand volleyball and Las Vegas. I have become more comfortable with my body because I have toned up a bit, but I’m still pretty skinny. I hope to bulk up a bit before swimsuit season. I’m doing it to boost my self confidence, but I’d be lying if I said part of it wasn’t to impress you and make you attracted to me again.

Day 1: A letter to her I thought we were starting to work at getting back together. I thought you were filling more of your time with me and less of your time with him. I thought we had started making that transition to being happy again. A month ago you told me you weren't happy, that you missed me, that you were lonely, and that you don't like not talking to me. You told me you still had strong feelings for me, even though before you said you didn't. I always knew you were lying, that you weren't over me like you said. This is what 10 days of NC did to you. I shouldn't have been so quick to give in, but I love you so much and jumped at the chance to be with you again. You said you were so confused and didn't know what to do. You said we should take it one day at a time and keep talking. I shouldn't have agreed to this, but I was under the impression you wanted me back. We talked several nights a week, and even started meeting up. You were more open with me than you had been since the break up. You let yourself laugh with me and have fun. I loved this, but I ended up getting pulled right back in. I began thinking about you constantly again. Days when we didn't talk were torture, and when you would turn down a meeting with me it killed. Even though you were much more open to seeing me and talking to me, I should have realized that the lack of flirtiness and intimacy in our meetings was a red flag. I thought I was starting to pull you away from him. Last night you told me that you were still seeing him and that you've become even closer. He doesn't deserve you. He just happened to be there when you were vulnerable and you let him charm you off your feet. I should have let go right then, but I couldn't take it. When I first found out you were sleeping together it tore me apart. He's gone all the time because of his job, yet you remain in a relationship with him. What has he done to deserve that kind of arrangment, where he can come and go as he needs and you'll continue to be there for him? I asked you what was going on between us, why were you more open to talking to me? You said that you didn't want to lose having me in your life. I told you that you can't have it both ways, and as much as I hate it we probably shouldn't talk anymore. You said that's not how you wanted it to be, that you didn't want it to be awkward between us, but accepted it. It was really late and we were both so tired that you said I should go and we'll talk about it later. I don't know what you meant by that, but I intend to start my NC challenge and follow through with it. On Monday you have an extremely important doctors appt to take care of the stomach problems that have plagued you forever. I wish I could be there for you, I really do. I even bought you your favorite movie on Blu Ray so you could watch it afterwards. It's still on my shelf. Now I won't even be able to hear how it went unless you take it upon yourself to tell me, which I doubt you will after last night. I also told you I wanted to be taken off the lease for the apt I lived in with you, so I know you'll have to contact me about what needs to be done there eventually. I can't let myself be dragged down again like last time, so don't expect me to come chasing after you again. I miss you so much, more than I've ever missed anything. Even the things that used to drive me crazy I miss, like your messiness or finding your bobby pins all over the place. I miss seeing you everyday. I miss holding you in my arms and having you be mine. I miss having your love. I miss you waking me up in the middle of the night so I would assure you we'd be together forever. You hurt me so much. You're the only one I've ever loved, and I'm the only one you've ever loved. They say you can't appreciate true love until you've been burned. I've now been burned and I appreciate. Problem is you haven't been burned yet. You said last night that you used to think we could get back together, but now you're not so sure. I am sure. You are the love of my life, and if this is what we need to go through to be together, then it's what we must do. What we had was too wonderful not to give it a second chance eventually. It's going to take a lot of work when that day comes, but it will be worth it. My family is so mad at you for what you've done to me that it's going to be hard to win them over again, but I believe it can be done. Time is what we need. I feel like I've wasted the last three months by chasing you and hanging on. I should've done this from the start. I've never made you feel like you are losing me. I was your safety net. Before, it only took 10 days of NC for you to swallow your pride and come after me. I don't believe you did this out of pride just to get back control. You're not that kind of person. You are an emotional person, and you did out of feelings for me. This was misleading, though, because you still didn't know what you wanted and by welcoming you back with open arms I only made things worse. I thought I was getting off easy, and that 10 days of NC was enough to do the trick. I had started moving on, but then ended up completely relapsing. I hope I didn't lose you for good. My friends who know you tell me it's not too late, but that we need to put real distance between us first. You are the Kelly Kapowski to my Zack Morris. The Mary Jane to my Peter Parker. The Rachel to my Ross. One thing they all have in common is that they all went through break ups, but still found each other in the end. I've known you since we were kids, and even though this is real life and not fiction, people always told us our relationship was like a fairy tale. No love story is complete without some heartbreak, and never is it finished without a happy ending. I miss you so much, Baby, and I love you even more. This is Day 1