I know lonliness. From the outside I look like I have an ok life but the inside is in constant pain. I feel guilty for feeling bad all the time. I have a lot to be thankful for but there is always that void. I am at an age where I should have that partner in life. I think part of the problem is I am look for something more fullfilling than the average relationship. I want it all, someone who is my best friend that I can tell anything to. I have settled for less more than a couple of times and all that has gotten me is two children (who I love and am greatful for) but it is not the same kind of love you still crave from a soul mate. I feel stuck in myself and my life and there are days when I would give anything to just be some one else even for just one day. I go through the week working from home, a blessing in many way but also more isolation. Starting Monday I am already counting the minutes until the weekend only to be more depressed on the weekend because I don't even have work to keep my mind occupied. It is a terrible cycle and as I am stuck in it, I realize I'm wasting precious time. I am not living life just merely surving it. How awful. The cycle and knowing this only makes me more depressed. I can't seem to break out of it. I turn 33 next Friday and can't believe things are the way they are. What happened to the life I pictured when I was a little girl?? Family is good at giving useless advice like get out and meet somebody. Oh yeah, the world is full of nice men looking to hook up with a 33 year old mother of two. They are knocking down my door!!
Anyway, I am just rambling and needed to get some of this out and this seems like a pretty safe place to do it. I am deeply sorry for others who are stuck in pain. People don't get it and don't understand how it is this ache deep down that never really goes away. No matter who is around it is just right there below the surface never letting you feel really happy or satisfied. Good luck to others. I feel for you.
