rk110

I always thought that regardless of my outcome, I would owe it to everyone on here to come back and tell how things turned out for me. This forum got me through some very hard days. I haven't been on here for a couple of years! How my life has changed. My history that brought me here: I had been involved with a man who really did not have the capacity to love a woman the way she should be loved. We broke up in June of 2010. That eventually brought me here, while in the depths of despair (after finding out he was seeing someone else). No contact was hard, mostly because I knew he was living a life without me, and it showed me how unimportant I truly was to him. The fact that he could go a day, a week, a month.... nearly six months without speaking to me really should have shown me how little I meant to that guy. But I was stubborn; I persisted and insisted on getting back together with him. It was January of 2011 when that actually did happen. The relationship did not improve or change any. But I was thinking at the time that I was going to give it one more try, with no regrets. And I did. I had fun with him (we had always had a lot of fun together, and really did not do a lot of fighting). But there were still some underlying issues that would prevent us from having a healthy relationship. To sum it up, he was a mama's boy beyond words. It affected everything, including our sex life. I continued with this guy until November of 2011, when my job sent me out of state for training. While there, I met some very nice guys. A couple of them really, really liked me. Suddenly, I saw there was a lot more to life than being with someone who can't give you all of himself. I went home and immediately broke it off with my boyfriend. One of my instructors at this training was very, very into me and we talked mostly about deer hunting. We started texting after I went back home, still nothing but deer hunting really. But he was showing me care and concern that I had not been shown in my life, ever. We lived accross the country from each other, yet he made sure I made it home from work safely at night, etc. It did not take long for the relationship to evolve. In January we started flying back and forth to see each other. With my job being what it was, it was easy for me to spend a week at a time with him at his home. Here we are, a year later. Married. Totally, ridiculously in love. Our meeting, the timing of everything, was nothing short of a miracle. We had a clean start, because I had not cheated on my ex with him. In fact, I pushed him away for quite a while, kept him at a distance literally and figuratively. Truth is, I had been mentally, and especially emotionally, leaving my other relationship from the moment he took me back. I think it truly was exactly how people on this very forum had said it often is. It was more about winning to me. It was more about not feeling like I had been dumped. Once I won that battle, there was nothing else there for me, especially since nothing had changed. So now for my words of wisdom. I know you don't want to hear it, and that you feel your situation is different. But the bottom line is, you should REFUSE to waste another moment of your precious life on someone who doesn't care whether you talk to them or not. Someone who may or may not be thinking about you. My ex told me he hurt every day without me. You'd think that would inspire change; it did not. You'd think that he would want to show his love so as never to lose me again; that didn't happen either. By letting him go, I was able to find the true love that people truly do dream about. I feel like a princess in a fairytale every day of my life. I have a man who treats me like gold. I have a husband who puts me first in his life. There is hardly an hour that goes by that I am not reminded in some way of just how much he loves me. I do not have to worry about him not calling. I do not have to worry about him ignoring me. I opened myself up to him, and it was the best decision I ever made in my life. By holding onto someone who CHOOSES EVERY DAY to not talk to you, to not acknowledge your existence, you are beating yourself down. Every day that goes by is a day that you may be missing out on your ideal mate. And in the meantime, you are subconsciously telling yourself that you are not worth more. Get it out of your head, and get it out of your heart. You are worth more!!

Hang in there, kenny. You've been doing really, really well. It sucks so bad to have those days. She probably has them, too. Keep your chin up, tomorrow is a new day.

Day 1 I really have no intention of counting the days so much anymore. But since I broke NC yesterday by sending him an email wishing him a happy birthday, after 95 days of NC, I thought I owed it to this forum to talk about the outcome of that. I really had no expectations when I sent the email. You can read yesterday's post on here, it's a true representation of how I felt at the time I sent it. I still feel that way, for the most part. But for as much as I had no expectations, there is still some disappointment that he has not responded. He's a genuinely polite person, so one would assume that even a very curt "thanks" would be in order. Truthfully, I'd rather not hear from him at all if that's all it would be anyway. So I guess although I rationalized sending him the email, I can't say that I totally regret it. All that being said, I want to caution others against finding any excuse you can to break NC. I am by no means back to square one, but I imagine that is because it had been 95 days of NC and I didn't send him a big heartfelt letter spilling my emotions out. I sent him a simple birthday wish, and admit to being disappointed with the zero return. Even one month ago, I can tell you that word "disappointed" would be replaced with "crushed." So I guess I am progressing. And will continue. Y'all take care of yourselves!

I'd be totally lying if I said it's easy. It has been the hardest trek of my life, not even kidding. I still have my moments, but find it harder and harder to cry over someone who clearly doesn't care about me anymore. Trying to rationalize how that happened has been the hardest part. Thanks for the support. I truly do appreciate it. What helps get me through? Well for me, it's trying to see the positives. He's not much of a sports fan, and I haven't watched football much for the past four years. I'm loving my Sundays, and keep reminding myself how nice it is to just watch football all day on Sunday! Doing things with friends, I haven't had much time for that the past four years either. I've been able to be there for them and to have fun with them again. For me right now, it's capitalizing on the things that I would otherwise be missing out on if I was still with him. Not that I wasn't willing to do it before. I just didn't realize how much I'd given up, all for one person. It's nice to get some of it back!

Nah, don't feel bad. I didn't have to try too hard at it to begin with, because he got into a rebound relationship, which is now history. Had he still been involved with her, I would not have sent it. And the way I see it, either he will respond and we can move forward with or without each other; or he can not respond, and sometime in March, I will have shattered this record and will never look back. Problem is, he has officially waited too long for me to look at him with those rose-colored glasses. Being remorseful will not be enough. Not even sure if love will be enough. What a fool he is.

What I would love is for my ex to pull his head straight out of his ass. LOL. Either way, I will be better off. I have come a long way toward healing and now realize I won't die without him. I think our exes can only deny reality for so long. Mine has to realize just how good I was to him, there is no way he can honestly say I wasn't. If he does, he is delusional. And I guess that's why it was so hard for me to just simply ignore his birthday.

I guess if the show was on the other foot, I might be surprised, or disappointed even, maybe even a little curious... Who knows how he'll see it? All I know is that he can't say I ignored him on his birthday. Thanks, perio, for pointing out that he would still be grateful for the email. I think you're right. I don't plan on following up with anything further, so if he misreads it as chasing, he will soon find out he is wrong. I may have cracked the door for something from him, but I will not be chasing. He will not get anything else from me, including at Christmas, if he doesn't respond. It takes all the pressure of Christmas away, from my point of view.

Broke NC at 95 Days It's his birthday. After reading thekid's post about being ignored on his birthday, I decided to just send the email telling my ex Happy Birthday, I hope it's a great day, and I hope he gets everything he wishes for. End of story, end of NC. I don't know if he'll respond; in fact, I kind of hope that he doesn't. I guess overall, I don't feel any better or any worse for having sent it. I felt a sense of relief, as I had been stressing all day over whether or not I should do it anyway. It's just a "Happy Birthday" and I don't feel like I'm weak or lowering myself for doing this. In fact, I feel more like I've taken the high road by sending it. I'll see if those feelings change.

Day 93 I'm finally beginning to see "me" as separate from my relationship. It's kind of an odd feeling, because everything has been about "us" for the past four years. I am still quite afraid to let go of the relationship, even though I know I have to. Instead of the fantasies of a reunion, I envision more realistically what would be said and done, especially by me. I realize how incredibly hard it would be to get back together. So many obstacles, and I'm not sure that I'm up for the task. I'm not at a place where I could start over in a new relationship with him, as most people here say you should do. I'd be lying if I said I don't wait for him to contact me, still. His birthday is Saturday, and it's going to kill me to not be there. I had something incredibly awesome planned.

Day 86 Thanksgiving Day... I knew there would be no way for him to get through the day without thinking about me. I really went the extra mile for him for the past three years on Thanksgiving. I was content to spend the day with my family today, something I haven't done for at least four years. Also had to do very little cooking, which was a nice change-up. As much as I AM moving forward (and I am, I feel it), there is still a part of me that waits for his call. I know it will happen, it's just a matter of when and if it's going to be too late. Even now, I'm not sure how I would react to the call and/or seeing him. I wonder if it's been too long already. Tonight he paid our cell phone bill. Last month would have been my turn, and he paid it. So I planned on paying it this month, and now he has again. It's not like it was the last day to pay or anything like that. Also, I went to look at history on my computer (teenagers) and noticed one of them had been on ebay. Not having been on ebay for a long time and wanting to make sure I was not logged in, I went to ebay. Apparently the last person logged onto ebay on my computer was my ex, as it showed all his recent searches. I couldn't help but notice the things that he is looking at are definitely things that would remind him of me in a big way. But I'm definitely not getting my hopes up, and I am continuing NC. Tomorrow, I am asking a couple friends if they would like to fly to NYC for New Year's Eve. I just have to do something awesome and memorable that night. I've always wanted to be in Times Square when the ball drops. 2011 is going to be my year!!

Day 85 The rough patches aren't so rough. The days and weeks aren't so long. I don't cry when I hear a sad song (usually), and I don't think I'm going to die from a broken heart. I honestly had a hard time getting to this point. I'm still not out of the woods. I still hurt enough to be cautious. I still think about him too much. But I've gone through some rough times (aside from the breakup, i.e. deaths), and I've gotten through it all without him. I resent the fact that he hasn't been there for me, and it has helped me move on. I still believe he was the love of my life. I have a hard time believing that I will find anyone with whom I could be so compatible. I haven't started dating, and I have no plans to do so anytime soon. I have a great guy friend, someone I had a serious crush on several years ago. But I got to know him, and got over the crush, lol. I like talking to him, and he asked me to lunch (which turned into drinks & dinner too) one day a couple weeks ago. I accepted that only because I saw it as a "safe" date, meaning I did not feel that he is interested in me romantically. I've been getting hints that would tell me otherwise; at least signs of attraction. He leaves me some very sweet messages after doing things together. I'm more amused by this turnaround than anything. He knows that I'm not over the ex. I wonder if he knows how much he is helping me to get over him? Having someone else appreciate you for the person you are really does a lot for your self-esteem. I'm on the cusp of letting go. Just not quite brave enough yet... Time. Sweet Time.

I don't think you're being disruptive or inappropriate. Maybe Rally thought you'd get a better response with your own thread. You and I are around the same timeframe with the NC. I'm actually on Day 77 now. Whew. I know when I got to the two-month mark, I started feeling a little panicked. This is when the chances get better for contact, right? And when they don't contact you at that time, you start feeling like you have to do something different. Like have contact. Keep reading, and you'll see that a lot of posts say 3-5 months. That might get you through the next month, all to face the same feelings and questions again then. I'm sorry, I don't really remember your story, but I remember thinking there were some similarities with your situation and mine. Was there a rebound involved? If so, I guess I would highly advise against any contact. I think people here will generally tell you to stick with NC, regardless of the situation. When she cut you out of her life, she took you out of her support system. If you cared about your ex's sick sister prior to the break-up, she will remember that as one of the positive things about you. In other words, it's something she can actually MISS about you. If she misses it, then maybe she will want that back. No matter how true your intentions are, your ex will likely see this as an attempt to get back into her life. Are you prepared to deal with the rejection from her? It seems to me that you had mentioned this in a post on someone else's thread and advised them against contact, for the very same reason that everyone here would probably advise you against contact. No contact, no new hurts. Being 77 days out, I can honestly say I would not be able to deal with any type of rejection, and that is what keeps me in NC. All that being said.... you know your ex better than anyone, just as I know mine better than ANYONE. I will do something, someday, even if he isn't receptive. But it will not be while my emotions are still in a vulnerable state. So check your emotions, and proceed with caution!

Thank you for that. I was having a terribly hard day yesterday (as you can surely see). Today was much better, I realize there is no way he will ever forget me. We were too good together and I was so good to him. I have improved myself... well, for myself. I'm feeling better overall, just still have the waves of sadness that hit me now and again. I guess that's normal. Actually doing NC? Easy as pie. I have no intention of contacting him at all, it's not even something I have to negotiate in my mind. It's simply not happening. Thanks again for your response.

Day 67 ...and I feel like crap. I am very panicky today. I feel like he's forgotten me. I don't know how that's possible after everything we were to one another. But after 67 days with no sign of anything, it sure feels like it. Last week, I was out a lot with friends and it went ok. But this weekend is killing me. How does someone end up not caring about someone they clearly loved?

Day 66 Today would have been our four-year anniversary. Well, this is always something we joked about. I counted it as our anniversary, because it's when we first met and started dating... he always said it was a later date, when I actually fell in love with him. At any rate, I'm sad. And I wonder about the most trivial things sometimes. Like if we did get back together, how would you count that time? Just start over, and discount all the time you've already spent together? Hard to do when it has been such a big part of me. I feel very irritable today. Sixty-six days later, and I still get those damn "feelings" like he is going to call or text or something today. I'm starting to see just how hard and painful any attempt at reconciliation would actually be. There would be so much to get past. Possible? Yes, but I'm not sure it's probable anymore. Why, oh why, do they wait until it's too late? I've had a pretty good time the past couple of weeks, reconnecting with friends that I don't get to see often. I've been able to be "there" for friends unlike when I was with him and our relationship consumed me. But yet, I'm incredibly lonely and missing him. As a side note, I was at a funeral a week ago, and saw an ex of mine from .... oh... 23 years ago!! It seems that when you date someone, there will always be a little spark between you, unless things ended really badly. It kind of gave me some hope. I realize there is no way my current ex will ever forget me and what we had. And I guess that just has to be good enough for me. It's so hard to let go and move on. It feels like I would be giving up, and it's the last thing I want to do. How to overcome that?

Day 60 I have been lurking here for over half that time. I was going to wait until I got to the end to even post anything, because I wanted to read everything first. I have decided to post now because for one thing, day 60 is pretty significant. For another, I do hope to help someone. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a little over six months ago. We had been together for nearly four years. We were quite happy (really). In the final six months of our relationship, we had some outside stressors (his mom getting sick, my grandma dying) which did not help our relationship at all. We live two hours from each other, and that also was getting hectic with the illness and death. I was having some of my own struggles; but not wanting to pile anything on him, I kept those to myself. Big mistake. Because all of my pent-up emotions came out in one drunken e-mail. We haven't talked since. We exchanged some minimal text messages; in fact, I had reiterated to him that I do still love him and he did not reach back to me. I do believe we are meant for each other and meant to be together. Possible I'm holding onto false hope? I suppose so. But I know what we had. I've had my share of relationships, and have never envisioned spending my life with anyone until him. I am 40. For the first two months of us not talking, there was some light texting, like I said. Every time except one was initiated by me. The final one was initiated by him and it was him simply asking if I was working. I replied I was not, and he did not elaborate so a couple hours later I asked why he asked. He said "just wondering.." and that was that. Until he fell into what is clearly a rebound relationship about ten days later. Once I learned about the rebound, I first sent him a desperate e-mail and texts. That was followed, almost immediately, by a much more sane e-mail saying I just want to get my things from his house and telling him he will not hear from me again. I told him to be happy. And I have been in NC ever since. They are still seeing each other. For the first six weeks of NC, I was truly depressed. Eating? Haha. I have lost 35 pounds since September 12. Now for the past week and a half, I have been doing pretty good. I have been doing something daily with my friends. Since the first day that I put my status on facebook as "single" I have been approached by several men who have different levels of interest in me. I am certainly not anywhere close to dating anyone at this point, as I am clearly not over my ex. But I have been able to enjoy the company of some great guy friends, one of whom I went on a lunch date with and had the time of my life (turned into snack, supper, and bar-closing). I considered him "safe" as opposed to the others, but even he was showing some signs of possibly wanting more. I actually got back to the point where I had enough going on that I had to put things in my calendar. So I am doing better, and moving on in my own way. I have not been able to totally let go of the hope that my ex will want to reconcile. I know he will at some point. Which brings me to my next point. I think a lot of what stalled me was the fear not so much of him never coming back, but that I would have moved on when he does. This is something I did not embrace at any point. I wanted to still be there when he is ready. Now? Not so much, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still hopeful. But as time goes on, I find myself more resentful of things; i.e. that he would give up on us so easily, that he doesn't even care how I am, that his house (which was like home to me) has now been tainted with someone else. The list goes on. I'm truly starting to believe that I may not be able to ever move past those things if we were to reconcile; and therefore, it's best if I just get on with life. It would be so much easier if he just said, "We're done. Come get your things." But he hasn't, and it makes me believe (maybe somewhat falsely) that he is still holding on, too. There are other things that make me believe this too. We share a cell phone plan, which is primarily in his name. I don't know if he took my name off the account (as in, I can't make changes) as I haven't checked. But he could have shut my phone off at any point and has not. We had been altering the bill-paying without any communication at all about it. I pay one month, he pays next. This past month, he had gone over on texting (something we never went over on), and it was my turn to pay the bill. I was trying to figure out the best way to handle it. I could pay the base amount of the bill, let him pay the rest. I could ignore the bill entirely and let him do what he wants. I thought maybe if he shut my phone off, it would make things easier for me too. He went and paid the bill in its entirety. I can see how much he talks to his new girl on his cell phone (which is all we ever used) and it's not much. But due to other things, I know that he has told her not to call on his cell phone. I don't really understand that at all. I think it's clearly because of me. He hates using the house phone. All of my camping things are taking up room in his shop. He's not the type of person to ruin my things, or get rid of them. But I also know he bought another piece of lawn equipment, and last fall we had to really get creative in reshuffling everything to fit in there the way it was. I think it would be easier for him if he just had me get my things. I even told him he could set the things outside and I could get them when he's not there. I think it's his way of keeping me holding on, and maybe holding on a little himself. I see a lot of people say on here that you should not keep up with what your ex is doing. Block them from your life, or they will know you are hanging on. I have not done this at all; and honestly, I think it has helped me to avoid contact with him. If I didn't know what he was doing, I probably would have contacted him. As it is, I can watch from afar; and when his rebound blows up (which I am 100% sure it will), then I will know that, too. I will not talk to him until that is over. And even then, only when he contacts me. He has no way of knowing to what extent I know what is going on in his life. So I see my watching from afar as somewhat helpful. Yes, more painful initially. But I am the kind of person who would much rather know what I am dealing with than to guess. I see a lot of people posting that they are having very strong feelings, all of a sudden "losing it" after doing well. I think when that happens, look at the time frame you are in. The first week is just plain hard. There really is no way around that. You get past that week, and the second week can either go a little better or be just as hard. But eventually (second or third week, I think) you will be doing a little better, and then the milestone comes up. "21 DAYS. Oh NO! He's never coming back. It's been 3 weeks already! Why hasn't he called?" It's panic. Just continue on. At thirty days, it may not be easier as far as missing your ex, but it's easier in how you deal with it. Even though I was depressed, I wasn't crying all the time. I didn't have to leave the room at work every time someone asked me if I had heard from the ex. Last night, of course I was approaching day 60, and it was NOT easy. It was hard. Here I am at the two-month mark, a time when you might start having hope that they will call. And I see that there's no chance of that right now, because he is still with her. I wonder if I should give myself a timeline? If I should allow myself to grieve for another minute, or just let go. It's so hard to let go when the relationship really was extraordinary. We truly complemented one another. To this day, he has still never said one bad word to me. He has never called me a name, never said anything to anyone about me that was less than "she is the love of my life." It makes it so hard to comprehend. I almost sent an email to let him know that I was thinking about him on an important day in his life, but chose not to. After all, he isn't thinking about me, right? He hasn't bothered to check that I am ok. But yet I wonder if I don't reach out at some point (after she's gone, of course) if he will really just let me go. I'm guessing he will not. And that's what keeps me keeping on. Knowing what we had, and knowing that no matter what I have touched his life without leaving a scar. Thanks for reading, if you made it to the end. And hang in there, all my fellow NCers.