LostDavid

Really not sure how I deserve her to be bashing me, much less not sure how I'm pushing her over the edge. I had to make contact to ensure I didn't pay for the debt (someone mentioned I shouldn't either, cough) but not to point fingers. I did mistakenly look at her profile, and no I wasn't curious at all. Perhaps I am losing my chance to win her back and need a real miracle, but on the flip side: she has done such things like this before out of hate, jealously, spite just to wind me up and get a reaction so I honestly do feel that is what she is doing this time with those comments. Especially the quoting my profile and gutting hers after I looked at something she so carefully was "leaving online to see if I looked." Honestly at this point, I'm not even sure if I want her back as I said. I'm seeing a side of her that I'm glad I got away from. I litterally gave up my life to go be with her in Switzerland, even gave up my own personal closure by having answers I wanted to know about answered, not answered for her sake. Feeling a lot better now that this happened also. Easier to see her true colors and I'm not exactly liking the person I fell in love with.

Day 1 I have failed myself and feel bad but at the same time I feel great. Had to force and break the NC as I had to ensure my prior agreement for the Divorce was changed based on her jealousy words she said in her message to me on the FB-alike site (quoting and insulting a part of my profile). I feel that shouldn't count as breaking NC however she replied and told me she seen I looked at her profile (it was honestly a mistake when I clicked her profile gah), she wrote me a message at 1pm then quote "went to bed and four hours later I got up and stormed out to the living room and changed my profile." Told me in an e-mail she kept her account logged on to see when I'd look at it (yeah ok) - for if that was the case she wouldn't have got so upset when I did mistakenly look. Also in the same e-mail she mentioned she doesn't have a life and has nothing else to do but get on stupid sites like [the one mentioned above-ommited the name] to and do tests/questions there. Even gave me a wonderful signature of "goodbye a**hole, thanks for making me cry myself to sleep yet again last night" Honestly it feels like she is trying very, very hard for some type of attention. Trying to guilt trip me twice in one e-mail ... I don't know if I should feel bad and if she is caving. I would go with she is caving or just trying very hard to get some type of confirmation that I still care. However I do know that I feel better now as odd as that sounds. Knowing she would act like this and be like this to me after I was sweet to her, kind and respectful for her sake when she was hurting and kept our prior Divorce e-mails emotionless and as peaceful as possible. So much for being the nice guy and ignoring my feelings of closure for her sake

Dating other people for vengeance is always bad juju.

As Bite said, you have that in the bag, lucky man if you want her that is. Jealous of you but I wish you the best seem to be doing great. Keep it up.

Indeed if she goes for Divorce I won't. I do feel as though I owe it. But at the same time all the bull she put me through , torn in the middle I say. Guess we'll have to wait and see I'm going to need to e-mail her though and make contact as to say the terms I agreed to need to be changed after this. So back to day 1 once I do e-mail her blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Indeed she can my friend, she can be very mean. As though her comment didn't "hurt me" I just wonder why she'd bother reading my profile at all and to even bother commenting on it. I feel I need to e-mail her and call off the terms I agreed to based on this as I surely don't want to pay 50% of the debt with her acting like this now. I need to build up my life and not pay for things that she caused, yet at the same time we were married 50/50 sigh. So torn. Was even going to leave her be without questions unanswered for her sake of not hurting and now god knows /sigh. I know I should just back off keep my cool and disappear, going to try my hardest. Here is for hoping it works out that way.

Sigh I don't know : really wish I had some insight to what her message meant. Why would she comment on my profile like that it seems like she cares if she would even read it (it's near the bottom half) so she obviously went over my profile and commented on that part. I'm lost I have no clue what I'm going to do at the moment.

Ugh ... just got home and well my Ex decided to message me on the singles site we used to talk on. She knew I knew about her account there and well after I looked at it today for the first time in three months she "gutted" the profile, and put some words in it that "ok well I have to close this as my ex is stalking me" ( w t f once in three months? hah ok) and she decided to message me on the site quoting something in my profile on the site : "(This quote is in my profile)" I wonder a lot about how it takes years to make solid bonds and only minutes to destroy them." funny, it took you four full years to destroy the bond i tried to keep upright. you were the one who refused to change even the slightest bit when i turned into a completely different person for you... hypocrit /spit p.s. the divorce papers should be ready to be sent out any day now" Really confused on what she is trying to do or say with that. So tempted to message her back gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (p.s. that second account was deleted .... ironically, I guess it was her after all)

I'm trying to stay away but remember; we're talking about my Wife still so that vow part of me is still there. I just need to let her "worry" or "realize." Also I'm not sure if she likes to play poker to be honest. In our four years together I never seen her request to play it once or play it at all. There is always a chance, but I find it very very very unlikely she is bluffing me.

Oh OK then Day 3 still! I am hoping it is her and it's very likely it is. Why would a female in Cali look me up twice when I'm in PA within one day? Yeah she is a tough cookie, doesn't need to prove it. Really happy to know she's snooping around! And if it is her I hope it does indeed do her well. I plan on staying as a ghost with no contact. Just excited. So how much do I owe you now for our tharapist sessions? lol

Day 1 (sigh !!!!!!!) Today I got a visit on my profile on the singles site that we used to talk to on. Newly joined female today (3 years younger than my Wife) and this person visited my profile TWICE in one day. No photo, random user name, and a city in Cali. I caved in and went to her profile and noticed that they were "both" on during the same time. Ironically ... I am HOPING (someone please confirm or tell me I'm a fricking moron and it's not true) it is her because it means she is craving for me and missing me more and more. Especially to go to such lengths to make a secondary profile to visit me. I feel terrible at times, I still cry (such a manly Marine thing to do right?) when I think about her. I miss her a lot but having such thoughts (read above) that she is looking at my profile and missing me, helps me a lot and gives more hope even if there is none (it's hard to describe). So here's for hoping and going on Day 1 for the second time.

You're just hurting yourself but I do wish you the best.

Curious what type of things most of you do when you have the urge to contact your ex? Right now I'm DYING inside the urge to just message her is so great it's eating me alive. I just want to hear her, know that she is there and ugh this is so hard.

I understand exactly what you mean. My heart never stopped aching for her and I don't know when it will. My mind says "why go back to her if she wants this" "why accept her back after she put you through this!" - at times I do break down and cry a bit I miss her, I miss her laugh her smile her smell, her body near mine, everything about her. I wonder when if at all I will be able to move on. I imagine and wish for so much and I feel at times I know it's bad for me and I'm just torturing myself also. I hate it and I just want her back sigh.

Day 3 No contact on either end. Wondering how she's doing. Hope she is taking care of herself and doing well. I miss her. The urges to send out an e-mail or pick up the phone and call are so great at times I fear I lose it. I am praying every night before bed that she realizes and comes to her senses that she married me for a reason, that she still loves me for a reason and I hope she can over look any ill feeling she has that somehow she conjured up over the months to get to this point. Wishing that this nightmare will end, but a part of me, a tiny part, feels I'll be getting some document in the mail within the next two weeks so *sigh* I need to start embracing for it.

77 days of NC and no word from her ... woah that is pretty disheartening I hope you hear from her soon if you truly want to.

I wouldn't know as I'm not a pro at this but I would have to say yes if you knownly associate with him in any form (directly/indirectly). But that's my take on it ^^

Well, I don't want to think too much about it but her account there is a new one, we don't talk and haven't talked there since she made her new account and I watched her activity on there for the last two months before I came here and she gets on often just hope it's worth it for her. I do plan on poofing from her and no intentions on communication unless it's regarding the Divorce and even then sigh yeah. LOL maybe I do liek pablum! ..>. But I can't forget about her but I will ignore her and I really hope it does good. Thank you again for your words, they are very helpful.

Day 2 I'm praying and hoping she will write me, I have no intentions on writting her back but I hope she shows me she cares in a more ... blunt fashion. I'm wishing also that she doesn't go through with the Divorce and I don't magically have a legal document show up in the mail one day sigh. Part of me will accept it and be happy so I can heal and move on but a huge part of me doesn't want it *sigh* ... here's for day 2 ...

This is music to my aching heart. I do hope she doesn't "stick with her decision" though sigh. And yes I fear that is what will happen also her best friend won't see all the good we had and just tell her about the rotten she knows of and that will sway her (I hope not). Any idea why she would still be going to a "singles website" (we used to use it to talk while I was in the Marines as it has some IM feature on it) ? I can't assume that is good, I do hope she met a "stranger" there and is talking to them about us and they are helping her with the situation.... that's my hope.

Bitebenot, After reading many of your posts, I must say it is very pleasing to hear you say this. I must ask if you get the time and are OK with explaining it, can you tell me how you come to this thought? Thank you again for your time Bitebenot.

You are indeed a very wise one Bitebenot. I am not intended on contacting her anymore now that I e-mailed her letting her know that I'm OK with the conditions of the Divorce. I won't contact her either. Just a huge part of me feels like I'm doing wrong as she is my Wife and I took vows to never leave her side. It is very, very comforting to know there are others out there willing to help us see the light at the end of the tunnel, to help us get back from being lost at the sea. Thank you Bitebenot. Thank you

Day 1 (Like so many others, I failed terribly bad this first day) Yesterday I decided to read some of her old e-mails to me, hateful, hurtful ones and some beautiful ones where she told me she never wants to date again because she knows she can only have the love she had for me once in her life and she doesn't want to be disappointed again. Believe those are kind words in attempt to smooth my aching heart knowing I miss her and want her. Yesterday after I posted my “Day 1” she decided to e-mail me a nice e-mail saying every time she hears from me (e-mail or otherwise) it opens up a wound and it hurts too much and that's why she can't and won't talk to me more than needed regarding the divorce, and she hopes I’m doing well. I gave in and told her what she wanted to hear. I told her I agree with her terms for the Divorce and I wish her the best and send her all my love and hope she'd doing well and taking care of herself. She said the same thing about she is hoping I'm taking care of myself in her e-mail which was nice to hear. Vs the normal “f you!!! You are worthless” etc. Despite her being in pain when she hears me a big part of me is happy to hear that because it means she still cares. Another part is destroyed knowing every time she talks to me it hurts her and it’s sad that is what it’s become. Tonight at the gym I realized a lot of the rotten things I did to her. Neglect ion, not treating her like my wife but more of a roommate, I know I did wrong and I wish I could go back in time and beat the sh*t out of myself for being such a moron. The only thing left is to help her get over this debt she incurred while we were together so she can move on with her life and be happy. I hate saying it and at times I don't wish for it but I know deep down I want her happy. I'd rather it is with me but I don't think that will happen again. I do keep hope, as I would love to be with her again; I truly feel she completed me and made my life 10000x more brighter and better than it was before we met (and not just now in my gloomy situation of missing and being without her). A friend wrote me today also that I’ve spoke about this situation with over many days. She is so very angry with the way my Wife is acting and believes it's all a big game and that I should just block her and ignore everything she does even if she sends me Divorce papers as she is not worth my time. Sadly I know she is right but how can one move on and have a life when I took vows to stick by my partner through thick and thin? I can't even see another female as anything more than "eye candy" and even then I feel bad because I'm still married. My father was a Priest (Roman Catholic) and I take marriage seriously (why else would I have married?) and it's just rough, I don't want to give up on her as that would break the promise of thick and thin and void our vows but it's so hard to keep them when she doesn't even want me. I guess I need to take the higher road right now and stick by her even though she doesn't want me until that point in time she does send me the Divorce papers and only then will I know it is truly done, and yet I'll still have to wait a couple more months until it's "finalized" and I can actually move on. Not that I want to. But I guess I need that wound to happen so it can scab over and heal as my friend tells me. Well, here goes for day 1 all over again and thank you for reading this whomever did.

I'm by far no expert on this whole coping after a break up but just because his car isn't there doesn't mean he's out with his ex. Don't look at the negative all the time, maybe he got hungry and went to uh Burger King?