AhoyConcept

Day 1 I broke NC last night, it's clear that phone calls are not wanted right now. It's been eating away at me, I just wanted to hear her voice even if for just a moment. We agreed to emails but she rarely writes me. I'm torn between feeling broken and abandoned, but also frustrated and insulted. I want to just erase myself from her life, but for the wrong reasons. She knows that I'm here for her, but she obviously does not need me right now and I cannot and will not force myself into her life or continue chasing after her. She chased after her ex-boyfriend in the past who was a complete bastard to her, yet she pushes me away, someone who showed her that men can truly love without lying, cheating, or violence. I want to be as understanding as possible for what she is going through also but I feel like I'm being tossed a side. Do I have to become what I've always done my best not to be? a a-hole who doesn't care what women think or feel? the tolerance for these types always seems so much higher and accepted than those of us who go against the grain of typical male stereotypes. From this day forward I will not write, call, email, or chat with her. If she contacts me I won't answer or reply. How can I be there for her if she doesn't want me to be? how am I supposed to "not give up" when she pushes me away? The only option I see now is to become a ghost. I know it sounds like I'm upset, and truth is yes I am..but it's because I'm frustrated, confused, afraid, and still hurting..which I'm sure she feels also. I miss her. I want to respect her space and her choice to take time to "fix herself" but I don't want to hang around only to be told to go away later. It's just so hard at times, I have no one to talk to, she was my best friend..we could always depend on each other to be there when we needed someone to listen and now that can't be. All my other friends are too busy with work and their own lives. It seems that whenever someone else needs someone I'm there, but as soon as I really need someone there's no one there.