not my real name

I was just getting into bed last night and the phone rang, number withheld so I answer it - and it's him. Just calling to say 'Hi'. He sounded so down, told me he feels lost and thought that this was what he wants, but doesn't know anymore. He didn't say that he missed me, or that he'd made a mistake and wanted me back - but he was definitely surprised at how well I'm doing. I told him I've been going out a lot and have made new friends, having a good time. He told me how everything in his life just seems to stupid at the moment and he just can't cheer up -I told him that I wish there was something that I could do but that's not my job anymore. I was friendly and polite, helped him brainstorm ways to make himself feel better - but kept my distance. I'm really proud of how I handled myself in that phone call. My reception cut out so I called him back but I was running out of credit and had to leave the conversation abruptly. I sent the following message: "Yay for recharging with my credit card. So sorry to hear that you're down. Chin up A, when you're back in Aus things will look a lot brighter. Sleep well and drive safely" I received back: "Thanks M, sleep well and thanks for talking to me, I really appreciate it" Wow, NC really does work! I have been healing quite well and really am enjoying life at the moment. I just hope that he doesn't try to confuse the issue just as I'd become content with it. How the tables have turned! So back to day 1. I believe that I'll hear from him again when he gets back in the country which will be in about a week or so - I'm going to try to keep it LC at best I have coffee with a boy this afternoon - just a friends thing as I'm not interested in jumping back into anything for a while yet, but it's keeping me occupied all the same!

Day 21 today, nearly there! Feeling great about life, in fact today I actually jubilantly declared that I love my new life. Then something will make me think about him and BAM it's like a tonne of bricks allover again. It is only for a while though and I just remind myself that the feeling will pass and try not to let it get me down. There are definitely more ups than downs these days I signed into messenger and I can see that he is online which unnerves me - I know he has two contacts, me and his new 'friend'. Ugh. He never used to use MSN before unless it signed him in automatically but he was never one for chatting, now he has his status set to 'away' it looks as though he is using it indeed. Hmm.. I will not click on him, I am strong!! I must say it makes it easier that he works away. I've seen a couple of breakups in my circle lately and they keep running into eachother and falling back into old habits, fortunately I have no option but to hold my head high and soldier on.

Today is day 16. I know what others mean when they say it gets easier and at the same time it gets harder. Ugh. I'm totally okay, in fact, I'm great - but the moments when I start to miss him again are just horrid. I still don't understand how after so long he just cuts me out of his life, I'm feeling angry again. I won't allow myself to wallow in pity though - I do whatever it takes to lift my spirits asap

Day 14 today apparently I had the most awesome weekend, the 'freedom' part of being single sunk in and I am loving it. I think some healing is starting to happen. I had a bit of a freak-out late last week but things are just looking up and up. His Mum phoned me on Saturday for some random reasons which was quite annoying because her phone call gave away that he has gone overseas again and I know he'll be with his little 'friend' over there, but what can I do? He's not pining after me and I'm not pining after him. Simple. The dreams are coming in thick and fast and are getting more and more involved as well unfortunately. I actually think this could be part of my brain letting go, like there's some kind of power struggle going on?

Day 10 today. Have had a couple of 'mishaps'. In the mornings I drive down his street (he literally lives around the corner) to avoid attempting a U-turn which is simply impossible at that time of the day. This morning for some reason he was not at work and happened to be in his driveway when I drove past. He saw me. Damn. Now he'll be thinking I was driving past on purpose or something. Accidentally sent a facebook invite to his new 'friend'. Yeah, nice work haha. Still NC despite these incidents. Wouldn't mind a brick wall to smash my head up against right now though!

Day 9. The emotional rollercoaster is doing it's rollercoaster thing. I find it frustrating and infuriating that he hasn't tried to contact me. It's not something that I can expect but how do you just cut someone out of your life out of 3.5 years? I am a breakup novice that's for sure. Felt a little down last night but did my best to put it out of my head. I am doing well

Today is day 8 and as 5pm rolls around it will mark 4 weeks since the breakup. I've been having a poo day at work today, and I actually thought about him today in a way I haven't for some time and have started to miss him again. I got teary for the first time in a week. Blah. I'm still feeling great though, I'm choosing not to let this get me down. I think I'm dealing really well.

Morning of day 7. Woohoo. I know I'll get through today without a hitch and I feel great about that. I've realised that this probably was for the best. The cloud of 'holy * * * * !' lifted a little while ago and has well and truly cleared and I'm feeling fantastic about life. I have moments where I miss him terribly and I still love him but that's okay. He's not in my thoughts 100% of the time now anyway. I feel detached from him now. I feel like he has become part of my past. The only bit that's troubling me at the moment is that I don't know whether he has gone back overseas for work or not - it's best that I don't know because then I would know if he's with her or not, but I'm putting that thought of my mind. It's definitely getting easier. I spent the entire weekend with his mum at a seminar and still have to see her again tonight. It wasn't difficult at all. She's a great lady and we get along really well so I'm able to separate her from the situation. I had someone ask me out last night and I totally froze! I wasn't interested in him but just the prospect that I could say yes if I wanted to was so new and overwhelming after using the old "I have a boyfriend" line for so long!

Today is day 4. I feel fine, somewhat indifferent but I'm sure the distress will return at some stage. Dreamed about him last night. Ugh, go away! Nervous about spending the entire weekend with his mum but at the same time it's a good opportunity to showcase that I am actually doing fabulously well which is not what he's expecting!

I'm currently on day 3. I rang him on Monday night and had a big chat and just tried to get every single thing I could possibly think of wanting to say to him and talk about out so that I could then throw myself into NC properly this time around. So far has been great and I have had no urge to contact him. Apart from feeling a little apprehensive about having to spend the entire weekend with his mum at a seminar plus an estimated 6hr travel time in total - I have been feeling fantastic. It has been just over 3 weeks since the dreaded "This isn't working for me" was uttered and I'm definitely looking towards the future in a positive light and have been my cheery smiling and laughing self. Probably helps that I lost a little weight and am feeling fabulous about myself though!

Start of day one. I ended up sending a bunch of random messages last night just before midnight, less than an hour later I woke up in a massive crying fit. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow afternoon and it's not really getting easier. I'm laughing and smiling and going out and enjoying myself but inside I still feel like I'm crumbling and I struggle through the mornings. I know it will get better but I just miss him so much I really need some answers. I don't know why because we've gone over it again and again, with me just rehashing the same questions and getting exactly the same responses. Yet I just don't feel as though I can properly commit to NC until I get some kind of well, I'm really not sure what I'm after. I don't know what I expect when I talk to him, but whatever it is I'm not getting it - so I have to let it go! Blah.

Day Zero. Oh my gosh I'm crap at this. I went out Friday night and was having heaps of fun until a random message from him dated 25 sept. came through. It was a really sweet message about him coming home the next day and being super excited to see me. That's what set me off and by the time I got home in my drunken state I was unable to talk myself out of calling him nooo!!! I wish I didn't. I was doing so well and was feeling much stronger. I cried myself to sleep afterwards - hadn't shed a tear since Monday until then. Was totally back at square one yesterday, back in that panicky not-coping phase. How long til this is gone for good? Why am I constantly looking back? Yesterday, I went round to his house to leave a box of his stuff on his doorstep (knew he wouldn't be home) and sent him a message asking him to fill it up with some of my things and return the favour. He sent me a message this morning stating that he had done so. I got home and found the box in the kitchen as my housemate had brought it inside - she said she was home when he left it there but he didn't knock or say anything - just left it there. I was outraged that he had been so rude (he knows my housemate quite well, they're not best friends but she's like family to me) so I sent him a little message and then it all goes something like this (and I know some of this stuff is big no-no, I'm being ridiculous atm): Me: Thanks for that, thought it was a bit rude that you just left it there and didn't say anything, but whatever. Having a good weekend? (first mistake - leaving it open for him to message back, such a silly girl) Him: Yeah I was on my way to house in hurry, in old clothes so didn't really want to see anyone or get held up. Weekend ok. Me: Oh ok, no worries. I still feel weird about ringing you on Friday night. Sorry about that. You seem short, are you angry with me? (possibly starting clutching at straws to keep him texting me? I'm so lame) Him: No it's cool, I know how it is but yeah, hope your weekend is cool. Me: Okay, I get it now you're giving me the brush off. Fair enough. You don't know how it is though. But I give you ten points for effort. (I am such a moron for saying this!! Whyyyy did I say this? It's just so dumb of me). Him: No I actually do. I'm covered in grease and sh.. so yeah, don't really want to touch my phone. (Must be working on his car). Talk later (yeah right, I know you won't call me - probably a good thing!) I need to stop this little game. I think he's humouring me a little to try to make things easier on me. I need to be brave and just cut loose but I'm having a lot of difficulty due to his niceties. I know he still loves me and misses me and this is hard for him too. I'm sure it would be far easier if he just said: I hate you/I'm seeing someone else/I cheated on you/I don't see a future with you followed by a nice slice of 'get out of my life'. I will try to get back on the wagon tomorrow and stay there for a while this time...

Morning of day 3. I start the mornings in 'survival' mode and I'm definitely there today. I wake early in the mornings after having dreams about him and can't get back to sleep. I am so angry that he has hurt me like this. Usually by late afternoon my mood has lifted and I am back to my normal cheery self, however as I go to sleep I am back in survival mode, I can't deny that that is bloody hard.

Day 2. Yesterday I did as I said I was going to and left an envelope in his mail box with his sister's earrings inside. It said nothing other then: "Ex, these are 's earrings, if you see her before she goes away can you please give them to her. Thanks, ." It was completely neutral and said nothing more than the bare necessity so I do not count that as contact. It angers me already that I haven't heard from him. I wonder if he's just getting on with life and forgetting me already? Truth is, I know I need to do this. I know I need to move on. I'm so disappointed, but I'll get there.

Okay, so registering for day one again after yesterday afternoon's stuff up. I feel so much stronger when I don't see/talk to him. I hate that he has all the control. I will be checking for any of my mail at his place this afternoon when I know he won't be home from work yet and placing an envelope in his letterbox with his sister's earrings inside with a note that says: "Hey, these are (sister's name). Could you please give them to her if you see her before she goes away. Thanks" - that won't count as contact if I keep it that short and neutral right? I have to really stay away and gather my strength. I'm supposed to be attending an all-weekend workshop with his Mum the weekend after next and there will be a 2 x 2hr long return car trips so I need to relax a little before I can handle that! Eek.

That's actually great advice! I never ever put the address in any email until I'm about to send it, but your word idea is far more secure! I'm such an idiot *banghead*

Well I find typing up emails that I don't plan on sending somehow strangely theraputic. You get what you want to say off your chest without actually affecting the situation. I think I'll stick to fake emails rather than msn messages. How embarrassing!

Gah!! I just broke my first day of my third attempt at nc... Typed an offline message to him in msn with the idea of just venting and then closing it before I would click send and then accidentally hit enter!!! Damn lol. Back to square one. Hmph.

Blah, back to day one after failing on day one yesterday. Had to go round there last night to pick up an overdue library book and ended up arguing and fighting and well, me just being a bit of a psycho. Ended up him yelling at me: "why are you still holding on?! Let go!" How embarrassing. Two weeks since the breakup, day one of no contact. Good luck to me, I don't think this will last long.

Day one. Sigh. Two weeks tomorrow since he broke up with me (while he was still overseas) but he only got back on Thursday night. I really don't think I'll manage the full month - he literally lives just around the corner. Argh. I've already proven terrible at this. I just keep thinking of more things that need to be said when I have to realise that there is nothing more to say. It is officially over. Yes, he knows he is making a mistake but he says it's what he needs and besides, the situation is irreversible now. It will be easier once he is back overseas in a couple of weeks (where he will be for a month). Good luck everyone! Hope you're all doing well so far