blujay

Contacted and visited ex yesterday. Had an extremely good talk about how we are both feeling and what went wrong, which should have been said before. Communicated better than we had for a long time while we were together. I know that we will not be getting back together, and being friends atm, whilst being slightly painful, will be a good thing to help me heal. I know this sounds paradoxical, but towards the end of our relationship, we were more friends with benefits than a couple and the release from our relationship, whilst painful has given me the opportunity to concentrate on myself. We are going to take the friendship slowly, and if i feel uncomfortable at any point, i know to pull away. Talked very easily to each other about what we've been doing and mutual friends. I'm enjoying spending time on myself, i've started to draw again which I haven't done in a long time. Spending time with family and other friends has been great.

Sorry about the long post! Hope you have endurance enough to read thru it all! Day 2 I have written a letter/note to him that i'm not going to send but thought I would post it up here. I'm actually feeling ok tonight, have planned to start living a more healthy life and when i am at a better weight, i'm getting a tattoo to reward myself. Been thinking about getting one for a while and am going to save it for a special occasion. Also going to friends house tomorrow and also will be visiting parents. This is going to be hard as I haven't talked about it to Dad and Stepmum yet (I live with my mum). I also have to drive past where he lives, which will be upsetting. I'll post what happens tomorrow. Here's the letter: "I lost you because I lost myself in you, You lost me because you didn’t want to face up to the hard stuff. Thank you for sharing my life and loving me when you did, You’ve made me the person I am today, But this isn’t necessarily the person I want to be We are both young and need time to grow You need time to mature, Enjoy your life and don’t feel guilty about wanting to go it alone for a while, Find out what you want and who you are Yes you hurt me and part of me isn’t going to forgive you at the moment for not knowing how much you would hurt me. Especially the way you chose to tell me those things, I’m disappointed you couldn’t have been ‘more of a man’ and told me what was bothering you when we were together, or even when you were breaking it off I would have thought that 4 years together (and being best friends), I would deserve better treatment from you, and you would want to know what is hurting me enough to make me hurt myself But I’ve come to the conclusion that you weren’t ready for that kind of effort that it takes to make a relationship work, Or maybe you were scared that I would still want to make it work and you didn’t want to. You had had enough, and nothing was going to make you change your mind I think that this is probably a very good thing for me, I need time to love myself enough to become the person I deserve to be, You would have found this out if you had talked to me, Communication is what was missing, and was missing for a long time. As for being friends, I don’t think this is going to happen for awhile, Hard as I am finding it at the moment, no contact is what will work out for the best in the long run I need time for me now, I was only concerned about what I was defined by us. I care for you deeply and I’m concerned that I can’t just be friends. If I take it too quickly, I’ll end up hurting myself more and more. I know you understand this, and if we care about each other enough to be friends, you’ll be there waiting for me. Good luck in your future and I hope you find happiness" Glad to hear that everyone is being strong! 1guygirl, your comments abut my ex moving on is what is keeping me from looking at a forum he posts on and I know he is talking about the break up on. I can't take that right now. He already posted that it wouldnt bother him if I dated another guy as he wants me to be happy. But no way can i move on that quickly.

Wow, sounds like my ex. He says he wants to be "best friends" as he obviously has no romantic feelings for me anymore. I had an sort of ephiany when reading another post on here about dependancy. I relise that I had lost myself in our relationship and all my validation was coming from the fact that I thought he loved me 100%, despite my flaws and issues. Now i relise i have to concentrate on finding myself again (even tho i had very low self esteem before we started going out). I think my love for him was based on his love for me. Dont get me wrong, he was a fantastic person and was caring, and I did (do) love him as a person, but he is very young. This was our first major relationship and we had some fantastic times together, but i can't see us hanging out as friends until I find myself again and full realise that he is not the right guy for me. I was sorting out My Pictures on the comp today and came accross a video of us on holiday. I swore was was not going to cry about this again, as I'm sick of feeling drained and depressed. I didn't actually watch it, but even the first frame was enough to make me start crying. I can't wait for this feeling to end. Sigh, days seem to be dragging on.

I'm starting day 1 today. This is going to be extremely hard but i'm going to try and stick with it as I need to heal. I want to be friends with my ex as we got/get on extremely well and we went out for 4 years. During this time I don't think that there was a time when we didnt contact each other for more than 3 days. Although I have not contacted him via text, MSN or phone, i have sneakily looked up his myspace and his posts on a forum about the breakup. I know i shouldn't be doing it. It's now 7:00PM where i am. Night time is the worst for me. I haven't really been able to get a good nights sleep since the break up. I'll post at this time tomorrow to let you know how i'm going. I've spent today reading other peoples stories online and it has given me hope for my healing and a little more understanding as to how we broke up in the first place. My family and friends have been great. Very supportive and keeping me company, asking how i'm going. This is a great thread and i'm glad that there are people out there that care about complete strangers!