Hi all,
I finally decided to go NC with my soon to be Ex-husband. We will be divorced Friday July 20th if all goes as planned. It was around May 14th when he told me he wanted a divorce. I tried no contact back then but was not ready and had horrible anxiety attacks. So, I opted for contact while he was in the house and to do one day at a time. Since then, he has moved out and I have been trying to pay attention to my feelings after seeing him. I can see that for the relief of the familiar I pay the price of refreshing the pain. I realize that NC will help be build a new life and focus on me. So Yesterday He was out at the house moving more stuff out and I told him I wanted to keep contact to only the absolute necessities. (The court hearing, questions about stuff in the house he has not taken etc) He understood, But of course says he is still here for me. (He still professes to love me and says he will always be there for me which makes this more difficult)
So today, Day one, I went to compete in an out of town agility dog show with my dog and I am at a hotel. Unfortunately, my out of town parents are in this town for a funeral and want to see me. I don't have a very close relationship with my mom and do not want to discuss the details of my marriage failure because she has a tendency to be critical. Anyhow, waiting for my parents to come, I kinda had and anxiety attack and tried to call my Ex- but he wasn't there. (Throw twinkies at me already!) My parents came, it was ok, I did talk to them a little bit. (she focused her criticism on my ex rather than me....better than focusing it on me but it would have been better if she just listen to my feelings rather than saying I would be better off without him)
The parents are gone and the anxiety attack has passed. I was hard going to a hotel room and not going home and having to face the parents. I am going to read a book and go to bed early but I am not going to call my Ex back.
I thought I was ready for No contact but it is really hard for me. I get these attacks of panic. Was is really bad is I am 39 and Have NOT had these my whole life so I dont know what this is all about. I am seeing a therapist so hopefully she can help. I kinda though I was over them but obviously not completely.
I can't believe I am posting my mental health issues! Please be kind
off to read and sleep! I'll be postin' tomorrow with better news I hope. I have good days and bad days, I know that now and were going to try to make tomorrow a good day.
B.