spinstermanquee

10 hours ago, alertingadf said:

She is definitely a spender and doesnt save... would spend 250-300  getting dinner by herself

wow.  just wow. are you sure this is accurate?  she sounds like a professional lady or sugar baby not a doctor.

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t see it that way. I see it as an advice forum that has expert moderators and mostly well intentioned helpful people. 

It's been 18 years since I joined this forum - originally for parenting advice.  I've gotten so much out of it, not just from posting, but also from reading about other people's lives.  There are certain "pillars" of the forum that I admire, trust, and follow - and the folks whose advice doesn't resonate with me, I feel free to ignore (like a few pillars mention above).  Tufntender, this is a great place to solicit advice and supplement any support system you may already have in place!  Now... here are some hugs ((((   ))))  LOL

55 minutes ago, CaptainSingle said:

I have been dating a guy for four months. Everything was going well until I brought up wanting to see him more, talk more, or have some sort of progression

Captain, he's not into you.  He is blocking any kind of further "integration"

Your own counsel has already alerted you and you seem pretty intuitive.  Please respond accordingly and don't waste any more time on this dude.

Hearts and hugs.

7 hours ago, kim42 said:

...didn't like the speculations that he's a liar, and as much as I enjoy this forum, I'm more careful now to share updates.

kim, please don't let the nattering nabobs of negativism impact your participation in the forum.  We are all rooting for you

3 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Isn’t his mom giving him a $500 check as an engagement present and saying “Only spend this on yourself, not with you fiancé” is like giving twin babies a double crib but telling their mother “Only use it for one”?

No because any normal sane person who loves the mother/parent/child/family/fiancee wouldn't specify something like that.  You give the money, carte blanche, because you know they will do the right thing.  Take care of their family.  Past, present, and future.  Kind of adult-like...

On 11/24/2023 at 9:34 PM, SonicYouth said:

I wanted to go back in time 32 years and hug that boy and protect him and take him for ice cream or something and be his safe space.

Dear Sonic, this is EXACTLY what you can do.  With the right guided therapy, meditation, hypnosis, or visualization.  That boy is still inside you, and still accessible, you don't need a time machine.  Hugs to you in your journey... (((( ))))

Rainbow, one night out dancing with my girlfriends there was this group of friends - one of whom was a guy bopping/grooving to the music in his wheelchair on the side of the dance floor.  I asked him to dance, and next thing I know he was popping wheelies and spinning like a pro dancer out on the floor all the while staying on his mark.  He had the MOVES.  I think I was romantically interested in someone else at the time, so no followup, but a good time was had by all.  Obviously I still have a fond memory 25+ years later 😉

The worst thing that could happen is you decide he's not for you.  The best?  That you continue that chemistry and see where it leads... <3<3<3

Please keep us updated.

even, sorry to hear about your situation.  I am a little shocked a parent would thrust their youngster out into the world without resources (money, car, apartment) or at bare minimum some heavy training/coaching in the major life skills of how to provide oneself food, clothing, shelter, and transportation.  IMHO, a parent's role is also help you figure out where your talents and passions in life could carve out a career and/or course of study to lead to a (hopefully fulfilling) career.  Now, you don't have much detail in your post so she may have taught you those things already and I'm making huge assumptions.  Please correct me in that case 🙂

I brought my daughter up to be independent and responsible - I made sure she had age-appropriate experience with employment, earning, saving, checking accounts/balancing, credit cards, cell phones, monthly bill paying BEFORE she left the home at 18 to go off to college.  Throughout her growing up, we cooked together, shopped for food and clothing together, took care of pets and plants, cleaned (she had daily small chores), did laundry, sewed a button or hemmed a trouser, changed a tire, hung a picture and blinds, worked power tools, unclogged a drain, reset a fuse.  I showed her how to haggle in a flea market/marketplace for best price.  We took the city bus together on dry runs to her schools if she was out of the school busing district.  When driving time came I taught her how to drive both automatic and stick shift vehicles.

Rather than wondering if what you found out is true, I would sit down with your mom and ask her if that's her intention... and if she does want you to move out, then you will need to spring into action to plan how you are going to support yourself.  Investigate available resources for homeless, employment opportunities, room rentals, live in au pair, house-sitting.  You didn't say if you are going to graduate high school or not but if you do move out then you don't have to be home schooled any more right?

When I was a youngster there was a high school equivalency exam one could take called the GED.  There was a low cost 6-week study program at the local library followed by the exam.  I passed it and freed myself from (IMO) the tedium of high school so I could hit the road and experience real life before I started college.

A good friend of mine went to Europe while in high school and lived with a family, he watched the 2 kids, taught them English, and received a weekly stipend.  He had his own room in their home and they fed him.  He didn't have to do housework beyond taking care of his own quarters.  He didn't have to cook.

So if you are going to be homeless do the homework now and start lining up resources.  Make a list of ALL possibilities, even if you don't like the sound of them at first - don't evaluate anything until your list is exhaustive, THEN start evaluating (this is called brainstorming and it's a good way to problem solve when you're not sure what to do next).

Good luck even!  Hugs to you (((( ))))

Patientlips, I have been quite fortunate in my life to have been "rescued" from some dicey situations by someone.  I totally get the "transference" aspect of you getting a little crush.  Sometimes people develop crushes on their doctors, firemen, hair stylists, grocery baggers, etc. after an experience leaves them bonded/with history.  When you get a glimpse of the inside of the person.

Regarding the spectrum of "winner to loser" which seems to meet your metric, I would probably place you around 80% winner.  No one is a loser for accepting help from others.  It's part of being a smart human, to know when you need help, part of being an even smarter one is to ask for it!

PS - I am sure he appreciated the gift and how lovely of you to proffer it

11 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

he listed stuff, but he never said meeting me or having a girlfriend was a part of that. Maybe he just thought I assumed. But yeah. 

That is quite telling... if you are going to listen to words, also listen to what is *not* said

On 8/10/2023 at 11:33 PM, catfeeder said:

 I think it’s wonderful that this experience has enlivened a part of you that had been shut down.

Patientlips, I am so happy you got out of that situation.  And so happy that the kind policeperson helped you and even followed up.  I actually teared up over your story, it gives me so much joy to hear about kindness between humans and folks going above and beyond in their job duties.  Hate and strife are broadcast daily in our radar and I personally crave more of these stories.

To paraphrase catfeeder, feelings you haven't had in a while are awakening.  YAY!  You now have a new baseline of how you want to be treated.  I hope you will accept no less than the level of kindness and care demonstrated by the policeman from any person, and most especially from a romantic partner.  Patientlips 2.0 will never accept abuse again!  Hugs (((( ))))

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He said how we can do some good things when he comes back from his trip

Oh my, he dangles those breadcrumbs.  Just a reminder, breadcrumbs are not filling and relationship breadcrumbs do not satisfy a thirsty and hungry lass 🙂

16 minutes ago, Vinvinzz said:

I am sorry for your trials and tribulations, but sometimes we need them to truly become who we need to be 🙂

Spot on, one of my mantras!  Keep listening to that inner voice, that's what we are taught with each small step towards our independence, each time we claim our agency.  This is what we CRAVE especially when we grow up with a strong sense of right and wrong but didn't yet learn or didn't have models to learn how to protect / enforce it for ourselves (due to the be a nice girl, don't make waves messages).

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He said that the action of sex- moving and thrusting was making his stomach ache worse. So we just sat around after and he said it calms down when he doesn't move all around. 

That sounds like a request for a BJ  LOL

1 hour ago, Vinvinzz said:

...He thinks cuz he pays for things, that should be enough to “prove he loves me”, and I’ve explained again so many times that that is not the way things should be. And that’s definitely not how it is for me. I only ever ask for love and affection and that seems to be too much to ask for 

Hi Vinvinzz, after reading all your posts I'm getting the underlying feeling of regret.  If I'm truly off base I'd love any and all feedback.

First Off: I get the pleasing people, trying to be a "good girl," not trying to be a B, always looking for the best in people.  Wanting so badly to trust.

Second Off: the following items can be taken two ways, active or passive:  he wore you down or you allowed him to wear you down, please just choose the version that meets the need to understand NOW and you can ruminate about the other one later.

IMHO you were browbeaten - not with physical force or threat of violence, but you were coerced into a relationship.  His technique is consistent - which he told you so himself when he said "always" and "all women" did the same thing.  Translation:  I am the common denominator, so the "always problem" must be me (the guy).

From the get-go you were against taking money but he pushed it on you while you ignored that deep down uneasy feeling. His chaotic noise crowded out your gut instinct and judgement.  And from the first time he threw the money back in your face you knew you betrayed yourself.  You feel awful and came here to share your awful predicament and get advice how to get out of this yucky situation.

I have been in some similar situations and was used for others' purposes.  The worst feeling was that I knew I allowed it to happen because I didn't listen to my inner voice, my gut, my instincts or whatever you want to call it... and basically let them take over.

Thank you for coming here and posting your story, it brought back many long ago memories of hopeless situations I got myself into by not being my own best friend.

Your interior values are solid and you can learn how to make and enforce boundaries to protect those values.  Relationship comes before money for you and always will.  That is a great value to have.  Now draw some boundaries around it.

You too can get out of this, and get away from this man.  He is bad news, hon.  I'll be in the bleachers cheering for you.

Hugs ((((((((  )))))))))

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

... he didn't feel well but he spent Saturday wanting to see me and make me happy. And all he's been doing is trying to treat me well and make me happy. He's like- I know how girls think, you think I don't care, but I care a lot.

Cheap and easy to make the lips move with words.  Much easier than walking the talk.

My simulation between the quotes:

"Alex - you should date ME, spin, I've been so considerate and thoughtful of you, I even spent 3 hours last night wondering what you'd like for a birthday gift next year and imagining the huge diamond ring I'm going to buy you when we get engaged in a few years.  Even though my big toe hurt so much I might have to go to the emergency room.  Yep I even said to my roommate's sister's boyfriend (several times last night) that I was worried about my girlfriend since she was waiting for me but my big toe hurt too much to take the bus over.  Plus, my doctor said I should be on bed rest... except then my roommate's sister's boyfriend got us last minute tickets to a ballgame.  I know you don't like ballgames and I'm sure you have better things to do, so I'm going to the ballgame to spare you the pain.  He (RSB) was impressed how much I care about you.

Alex, see what a good considerate boyfriend I am and put you first over everyone?"

See I can do it too and you didn't even have to buy the groceries or let me sit on your couch!

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

... his friend mislead him that it was a one or two hour job. And he even said to his friend how he was supposed to see his girlfriend and now this was taking the entire day.

So it was the friend's fault (see, he's the victim here) and YOU should direct your upset not to him, rather someone you don't even know (the friend).  Way to step up and own your stuff, guy.

Rainbow, sorry to hear you are going through this.  The part I don't get is (and others have mentioned it as well) so what he can't do the coitus thing right now?  It's only ONE item on a very big and varied menu.  Why isn't he collaborating with you on what he CAN safely do instead of keeping his pleasure to himself and not sharing any of it with you or demonstrating any concern for your needs?  Seems selfish and self-centered to me.

I went through a period of time with my husband when he started taking medication for a condition that weakened his ability to get and maintain an erection.  However, he could still achieve climax.  So we adjusted our activities accordingly and I get a lot more time being served my favorite menu items than I did previously!  🙂

In my case, we made it work.  Hope you can too, and if it's not to be, it's not to be.  It's not fair for one party to take sexual intimacy off the table unilaterally, without agreement of partner.  He didn't even give you a say, he just trashed the menu 😉  Good luck.

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Do you want me to outline these things?

Alex I asked you to outline YOUR ideals, not whether or not they matched this guy.  I was inviting you to dream a bit 🙂

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

...this this guy can do (or not do) anything and it will be just fine... He's nice on the phone and texts

Okay so he ticks a couple of Alex's smaller boxes, cool. 

This begs the exercise - Alex, forgetting about this new guy for a minute, let's just pretend you meet your ideal boyfriend tomorrow, and you were already together for one year, super happy, and now you two are thinking about getting engaged.  What does that look like:

The three biggies:  money, sex, kids -

- Money being finances, future goals, investments, spending habits, saving habits, his/hers/ours buckets

- Sex being overall matching libidos and level of comfort with what's on the menu and what's not.  Satisfaction with the give and take

- Kids being yes, no, maybe, his hers ours.  What does that look like in your perfect vision?

So now that you had your fantasy perfect man that checks all your (major) boxes, you also have a very basic checklist of your relationship requirements.

I oversimplified simply to demo a base concept, not an instruction manual.  You get it!  Go girl!

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

poor people are sometimes not poor because they dont work or because of the bad job. They are poor because they spend irresponsably

Spot on Kwothe.  I have a friend who makes decent money but is always broke and never seems to have money (or he constantly bemoans the fact he is broke).  When I listen further/more closely, he and his husband are typically going to (not fast or even casual, ++) restaurants several times per week, he gets expensive haircuts (~100US) every 3-4 weeks, buys designer clothes, plays golf, and does regular hotel getaways.  His husband makes a lot less but all (samely) is spent on day to day or splurges (I should tell them to buy a tent, haha), and no savings for any long term items.  They still rent an apartment after 20 years, and lease cars with monthly payments.  While I'm a little sad that my friends are so economically insecure into their mid-sixties, I keep my nose out of it.  Their economic / relationship policies are not mine to dictate.  I just try to enjoy my time with him (or them when I visit from out of state).

Told this story only to illustrate that by not judiciously deciding life goals, relationship goals, and acceptable boundaries, one can tether oneself to a lifetime of economic insecurity.

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But if he said "I will not ALLOW you to go", we'd have a problem

Same with phones. If he asks (or demands) to go through my phone there's going to be a very unpleasant conversation.

Funny how this goes.  I would never imagine looking through my husband's phone or computer, or his personal effects and glove box / dopp kit / vault / files etc.  I think if there is snooping, there is drama, controlling, shenanigans (oftentimes from the party doing the snooping) or sadly, insecurity that will eventually ruin the relationship.  In any case, nothing positive comes from the behaviors.  I have never once gone in my husband's wallet unless he specifically instructed me (a boundary we established in the beginning of our relationship).  Same with my handbag - he would never stick his hands in it unless I asked him to (he's too scared of falling in and getting swallowed up but that's an internet meme, lol).

You seem like you care more about her reassuring you / addressing your needs than you do about the serious situation her family is in.  Who cares if she spends 24 hours a day at her mother's bedside on tiktok, the internet, social media, etc.?  You cannot regulate her activities.  Trying to dictate her communication is not going to win you any points.  It's much more likely to push her away, if it hasn't already.