Hi, everyone, thanks for taking time to read this.
As I've visited this forum for the first time, it is my hope that everyone's message here was one of genuine emotional expression.
I guess I'll introduce myself to make you feel a tad more acquainted, my name is Payam I'm from L.A., I'm 22 and have lived a rather overly-eventful life. I've been at death's door, battled drug addiction, legal problems all while maintaining good grades and improving upon my academic prowess. I work in a bank and act on the side, and would like to think of myself as a well-rounded individual.
Anyways, enough with the history.
For the last two years of my life, I've been with a girl who I inherently knew was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And as cliche as it may sound, I knew it from the moment I first set eyes on her (corny huh).
Before her, I was just wayward soul, sleeping with every girl that walked through my house in college. At no point in life did I ever find a someone in whom I felt worthy of commiting myself to. Whether it be sorority girls, co-workers, or random women, I was lost in every aspect; Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.
From the instant I shook her hand on that thursday in mid-october 2001, I knew that no matter what it took, that she was going to be mine, and for the first time I truly understood what would compell a person to wait.
And I did wait , for months, as the sound of her voice repeated resonated in my head and everygirl walked around my house with her face pasted on theirs.i found myself comparing every woman been with to someone i didn't even have, but knew deep down that I would.
And when the day came in late November, when I knew that time was right, I kissed her. Never in my life had I felt such elation from a simple kiss. I was stuck with an ear-to-ear smile for a week that no one could pry off me.
Sorry that I'm rambling on so much !! The truth is way before I met her there was a person that she fell in love with and not until recently, he stepped back into the picture.
However, though some of you might be feeling sorry for me, dont. With so little experience being a boyfriend and not knowing the intracacies of a relationship, our relationship became very off and on after sixth motnhs.
I've dated numerous women and have somehow found my way back to her again time after time.
Last week as I laid in bed with her, I asked her why there was no passion between us. She told me that she was in love with the guy from her past. And though I had an inclination for some time I needed affirmation.
When I heard the words "I see myself marrying him", I truly felt my soul sucked out of me like air out of balloon. I literally hit the floor limp and in shock, unable to even phathom the thought of her being with anyone else.
My dilemma (long time coming, sorry) is that no matter how many times I separate from her we get back together. No matter how hard I try to demonize her in my own head, she could say one word and have me eating out the palm of her hand.
I pray, meditate, you name it, all hoping that one day I can turn my back and never look over my shoulder again. As I sat there in front of her I told her " As long as I'm alive I'm always going to love and want the best for you. If he makes you happier than I do, be with him and I'll live with it" and even though I meant it, I prayed that she would never take me up on it.
I'm sorry that this was so long winded. She was the only thing that i looked forward to everyday. The only person that I ever wanted to be around. Now at this point in my life I just want to be able to know that I can live without her, even though I can't imagine it. Thank you so much for reading this. Keep in Touch!!!
