willow2900

Also if a guy asks a girl out and he explains that he is 'going through a rough patch' i.e. unemployment, etc then the girl should do the paying even if its a first date. A girl who does that for me is a keeper.

My ex had a 3 year "rough patch"

I was just gullable enough and loved him enough that I enabeled it to keep going. Now I am $19K in debt.

But one date is one date. And it best not cost $19K or I need to learn new dating habits.

I ended up walking in on her bangin another guy. Best thing that ever happened to me.

Wow. That's one way to get closure.

I couldn't do it. Not after they slept with someone else that quickly. I would always be wondering "What if they have feelings for someone else again? Are they going to go sleep them? I allowed it before so why not now?"

But that's me.

Trust is hard, this isn't the first time he has been dishonest about things with her. It all is beginning to pile up. Maybe it is time to move on.

Whoa....ok. What else has he been dishonest about? The other posters on this thread are correct when they mention that lying about this is a precursor to a future problem, or one that already exists.

Time to move on? Well, only you can answer that. You've got to decide whether or not you want to work at this, or to move on.

If you want to work at this you have GOT to talk to him. I know that you said you have but talk again and be very clear about what YOU feel about her calling his cell. That it makes you feel like there's something to hide, rather than being open and upfront. Tell him those things.

Or, if you want to end it. I guess go do that. It's your choice now. What do you feel?

I agree with DN and Michelle - how did you get to this place? What is holding you back? What occurred that you now feel you you are less capeable of loving him?

Do I let it go? Is that why he lied? So she wouldn't have to acutally talk to me?

The only way you are going to find out why he lied about it is to ask him.

Can you let it go? Maybe let him know that you are ok with her calling the house when you are there and open up that conversation. If you want this relationship to last you are going to have to figure out a way that you are not going to be filled with suspicion every time he's on his cell. You have to talk with him and discuss this if you want to marry him. This seems like an issue that can become really big really fast if you don't.

No you can't hold your life for her. Are you going to miss her?? OF COURSE!! And since she IM'd back - she's thinking about you too. But like you said you can't hold out for her. Sometimes you get closure in the weirdest ways. Or maybe not closure, but that feeling of "what? what are they doing??"

I got it after my ex called me a few weeks back and yelled at me for not inviting him to a party that I planned. He insisted that I should've let him know that he wasn't invited. So ya, in that sense, breaking NC can bring you a feeling of satisfaction that you are on the right path.

Just be careful with your expectations. Focus on yourself. Get strong and happy.

Well yes. You did break some trust by going into his email. It's your choice to tell him that or not. That's a tough pill to swallow, and you decide whether the realtionship is worth telling him that or not.

I am concerned because yes, it is just a phone, but he felt he couldn't be honest with you about it. Why? It could be that he doesn't want you to think he contacts his ex. But that's kind of silly to me. If they have a child, they are going to be in contact with each other for the rest of their lives. Or maybe it's because he thought it would hurt you. But if it's that and you've willingly entered into a relationship with a person who is becoming divorced than you've decided to take on those challenges: one being contact with his ex frequently and regularly.

Personally, I would have a problem with this. But that's me. Not you. If you want him to own up to his actions here you have to own up to your own. But I don't think you can just push it all aside either without it bubbling up later. Before you marry this guy get a clear vision of how his relationship with his ex is going to work. Sit down with him and ask him to be really specific (even if it's stupid stuff like "I call her to let her know I'm late...") But that way you aren't sitting and wondering. And maybe him being clear with you will help you to stop going into his email. It's tempting, but you have to stop that.

Good luck. Hope you can work this out because you seem to really love this man. All the best.

Well - good realization I guess.

But why did you post this in getting back together forum rather than breaking up or healing after break up?

Are you still holding out for her? Move on. Don't contact her. Try to forget about her.

Maybe.

For me any feelings I've had when someone is no longer a big part of my life are the anxiety and clinging feelings to what once was. I know now that I often mistake further loving feelings for just that. Any awakening feelings I have ever experienced with someone leaving have been more about reality sinking in and the rose glasses coming off and me believing truth and reality rather than what I wanted to believe or see. But that's just me.

Good for you for not answering! It's hard, but good for you! The questions you have are natural and honest and you are dealing with them well. There are always going to be the why's and what if's. You can't fester on them too much though. It'll break you. Obviously she had nothing poignant to say or she would've left a message. Laugh about it, forget about it and keep moving on.

Hell, a few days after my breakup I was Googling "how to get your ex back". In any event, the internet has made me more lame

 

LOL! I was in the same boat - but luckily for me that's how I came accross ENA, because I googled that exact phrase!

 

I'm on facebook and so is my ex and initially it was terrible. Especially since our friends are all the same and when they post pictures, you get updates and the one day I logged in to see my ex and his new girl kissing! UGH!

 

But there was a funny upside. I invited a few friends to go out one night and posted where we were going to be just letting them know etc not even really thinking that the ex would read it. But he did. I got a phone call from him the day after the night out and he was FREAKING out at me saying I should've called him to let him know that I invited his friends (not mine, his btw!) out and that I should've told him about it and the fact that I didn't want him there! I found that hilarious! I am supposed to call him when I want a night out??? He's the one that got a new gf after 7 days!

 

Anyhow, it made me laugh at how pathetic he was. And now I just shake my head at it. So ya, it can be hard, but sometimes it can help give you closure just when you need it!

should I bite the bullet and try to be friends? should i try to win his heart? i don't like the idea of standing around playing 2nd fiddle to this girl. If he's interested in her I wish the best for them. If we start dating where will we be months from now?

That's the biggest thing I guess. Where would you be in a few months from now. No chance you could stay there? Would you want to move permanently?

And 2nd fiddle, yes that would bug me too. I guess, unfortunautly, only you can really decide if you want to try and see if a relationship could work with him. But if he says he doesn't want to try, then that's half your answer. Do you see yourself being friends with him? Or would it be too hard? Is there something between you two that you feel is worth trying for?

Her saying she is no longer with anyone was the door opening for you. Like DN said - go for it.

So, here's the question: Do I want and go for the other two girls, or asj B out? I need to figure this out by Tuesday.

I take it Tuesday is the graduation? If not, that's a funny deadline!

Yup, seems to be that C is the one you like. Go for it. You never know till you try.

You want to be the other guy? You want to break up their relationship?

She is a new person - a new person who's IN A RELATIONSHIP!

I blurted it out to my ex after 6 weeks of being together one night when we were drunk and he was putting a blanket over me on the couch. Not romantic but he said he'd been in love with me for years, and for that it was a wonderful momment.

Thanks! You know, he really is sweet and nice. It's very refreshing. I went through a period there where I didn't think ANYTHING good was going to happen in 2007!

I think you need to focus on your realtionship with your bf. And by focus I mean do some thinking and analyzing about it. I don't think you are being very fair to him right now. It sounds like you are keeping him around for some security. You state that you think you love him but feel neglected by him.

What does he say about this? Have you discussed that with him? Does he now that you would like to spend more time with him? What have you done to see him more?

Deep down, do you really want to make your relationship with your current boyfriend work?

Willow,

 

Why are you censoring yourself from a man?Let this guy know you want to talk to him in person instead of online. Another thing, if you want to kiss the man then tell him you want to kiss him.You need to be yourself and stop worrying if you do something first, this man going to run off.What happens while you're waiting for him to kiss you and talk to him face to face first,another woman goes ahead and does it for you. Be yourself and if a man doesn't like it move on

I have realized that in the past I fall hard and quick. And when I make a commitment to someone or something, I follow through till the end. It's one of the hardest things when a relationship fails with me because I am an all or nothing girl. My censoring is my way of trying to learn from my mistakes in the past of not jumping in too quickly. I am trying a different approach with dating this guy as opposed to my last two relationships which were damaging disasters for me.

But I am one step up already - this guy isn't in the middle of a divorce like the last two....one destructive pattern broken already!

What's going on in your relationship right now? You state you feel like you made a mistake. Why? What about your current bf is making you dream about the other guy?

Is this a case of grass is greener? Do you have feelings for the other guy?

Did you dream about him because you recently saw him and remembered your past realtionship with him? Has the other guy managed to be friends with you and your boyfriend even though the relationship with you failed?

Your feelings of fear that your bf would see you in your dream are feelings of guilt if you were to actually follow through with it. Is it something you are simply thinking about or looking at acting on pretty soon?

Last but not least, if all else fails, I've been going to movies - as in the theater. I force my mind to focus on the movie and give my mental thoughts and heartache a rest!

Good idea! That kept my mind off things too! Books didn't work, I'f get upset at reading any scene hinting at romance!

You gotta keep busy and distracted. If things are going to work out they will, if not, you've worked on yourself, getting better and mentally strong again.

Thanks for posting that! I am not head-over-heels for this guy, I am really liking where it's going, how we talk well together etc. It's actually been about 3 dates and no kiss! Very slow...but that's actually what I need right now. We have great conversations and talk occsionally online, but it's always awkward and I would much rather talk in person. I can see that he's interested in me and I am trying to keep myself in check!

I will - thanks! I just feel a little lost and don't want to mess up anything with the guy I am starting to date.....don't want to jump in too quick or head first...just trying to figure out the whole dating-world-thing again...

Ok, so it's been a while since I've been on the dating circuit. What are some of your rules (girls and guys) or advice that you live by?