My boyfriend/best friend and I recently separated (having lived together for 2 years). We had a major argument a few weeks ago, and I blurted out the idea that we might consider some time apart.
But after some heavy soul-searching for a few days, I figured out that I really didn't want to separate. It's just a really big step, and I believe we have other options (including counseling, better time management, setting ground rules to keep arguments in check, etc.) that could be pursued before resorting to a separation, which I think only plays to the communication problems we already have. But he keeps saying that we've tried everything, and that he's scared the next argument will be the end of the relationship.
He says he wants to just date casually again, and see if he misses me eventually. He says he feels bad that he treats me unfairly sometimes, but that he doesn't know why he does it, but that he feels guilty all the time when he's around me. (I speculate that this may have to do with a number of current stresses in my life that he feels helpless to address, including my dad's slow degeneration with AIDS, my own depression, issues surrounding a sexual assault I experienced in college, and a family member's suicide several years ago. I have been seeing a therapist for these things for the past 7 months.) He also thinks I need to get out and make more friends, though I maintain that I'm content with the 2 or 3 close ones I have, and I don't really relish the idea cultivating new friendships while I've got so much emotional baggage to contend with.
So, I apologized again for my part in the recent argument, and told him as truthfully and sincerely as I know how that I did not want to separate. This communication was very difficult for me, because I felt completely vulnerable, and I knew he wasn't at a point where he could reciprocate. But the relationship is important enough to me to put pride and ambiguity aside.
We had also been planning a road trip to see his family several states away, and we agreed to go together and then decide when we returned whether or not to separate. The trip went well, I thought, but the day we got back, he told me that while he'd had a lot of fun on the road with me, he thought we should take some time apart to figure out "what we really want." I reiterated that I think I know what I want (i.e. him to stay), but he continued to talk about both of us needing some time. I told him that if he needs time, I respect that, but that it bothered me that he seemed to be making an assumption that I'm confused about what I want. He had no response for that, and he left that night, moving in with a coworker.
Today he was supposed to come to the apartment to pick up some stuff, and he said he would come while I was still at work, presumably to avoid an awkward situation between the two of us, now officially separated. But instead he came an hour after I got home. His unanticipated presense for just an hour was so hard for me, because (as I had told him) I don't really know how to act toward him while we're separated. This is a totally new experience for me. He had said that he wanted to let me decide the "terms" of our separation (i.e. whether we would see other people, how long before we touch base again, etc.), but I declined the offer, because I really don't think I can do that, since I didn't want to separate in the first place, and I thereforeeeeeee wouldn't know how to set such terms. He replied that he was just trying to give me an opportunity for input.
So, I just kept to myself in our apartment, waiting for him to leave so I could get on with trying to cope. I'm quite sure he thought I was giving him the silent treatment, but I just didn't know what to say. As he was leaving, I could hear him crying, and I wanted so much to say something encouraging, but I just couldn't. I just didn't feel like it was my place to say anything, and what could I say, anyway?
I feel like I'm letting him call the shots, but I'm prepared to do that, because I love him and want things to work out. But I'm frustrated because I see him hurting, but feel like I can't do anything about it and still give him the space he wants.
I would appreciate any insight anyone out there could offer. I guess I just need to wait this out, but I right now could really use some comforting words.
