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hi guys.... saw this forum and everyone seems to give sane answers... maybe you can help me? I have dated a guy I really care about for nearly 6 yrs. We met at the beginning of college and have gone through just about every scenario. WE've become a tenuous translation of friends over the time, but it's obvious at least to me,that there is no way we can progress in the relationship for a number of reasons ranging from different personal beliefs, to drastically different interests, backgrounds, goals and lifestyle. Sometimes. it's the understanding of that person's nature over a long period that makes you overlook certain things they do...or try to be empathetic to why they do those things. Anyway, the situation is this: he moved away after his graduation 6 mths ago. When he left we were on the verge of breaking up for being incompatible and then I guess we both wimped out and decided things would sort out over distance and time. so we broke up, or "talked about it" but there wasn't any closure really. Two months after he left, he proposed seeing eachother around Valentine's Day and meeting in a little town for a weekend of playing tourist. I was hesitant and told him it needed to wait for money reasons and because of my job. HE insisted that weekend was important to him and that we would have a wonderful time, he needed to see me to tell me " something important". I entertained the idea maybe that we could settle things on this trip about how we felt... either make DRASTIC changes and maintain that we care about eachother and will make thngs work, or break it off. well...I made hotel reservations, took off work, drove 5 hours & waited for him to arrive. When he got there, he was late, angry, didn't like the hotel and informed me he had left without telling anyone; job, friends or family which made him feel guilty. He forgot to bring anything because he had gone out partying the night before, and didn't have any money at all, he was out of gas, we had reservations at the hotel that couldn't be cancelled, etc, etc...I ended up paying for everything from his gas, to meals, and money for his trip home. That was a mirror reflection of our entire relationship.(just as a mild example) Not to mention I had brought him gifts because it was two days before Valentine's Day...I wasn't sure how we would come out of the weekend, as a couple, or apart. He seemed uninterested, said he didn't have anythign for me(not that I expected anything) and well...for the duration, it was less than fun. I bit my tongue because I was there and had paid, it might as well be fun for the effort I put in & resolved that it was all the reason in the world I needed to draw the line. So we left eachother after the weekend with him cursing and screaming that it was a waste and too short, and nothing worked out. We didn't talk again after that...except for me to say I was angry & didn't need this in my life anymore. I took that as a quasi "goodbye" and started seeing other people & trying to move on. While we were together, some of the larger issues that made it impossible for the relationship to go anywhere were his temper, the way he treats people, that he is abusive and very selfish, racist and possessive. Things always seemed so pressed and imbalanced, that I actually worried he would hurt someone or commit suicide if I ever tried to break up. He threatened those things. YEs-- HUGE red FLAGS...but the problem was I felt mildly responsible in having known him for so long, understanding his situation and because he reiterates that he would hurt himself if I ever left, since I am "his only real friend". Since he would often vocalize that he was unhappy, I figured it would be safer to let him do the leaving. It never happened. The question up to now, is how do I break up with him DEFINITIVELY, without pushing him over the edge? Apparently I need to literally say I don't want anythign to do with him again--but that is pretty harsh. He is not a strong or balanced individual, in the past few months, his father was diagnosed with cancer, his parents have filed for divorce and he was arrested for drunk driving, a police chase and wrecking his car. Always feel like I'm waiting for a time to to break up that he can handle it and yet things get worse and worse. There is never a good time. WHile things played out for the past two years, we had some extreme ups and downs, he lived with a roommate who was basically the antithesis to everythign he was: laid back, carried intelligent conversations, nice to people,etc. SO after spending so much time over there I grew to like the roommate, even though we didn't have much opportunity to talk because my bf was very jealous.(In other words I couldn't be in the same room as him alone for too long, it was very awkward, and bf would rush in and either scowl at me or nudge me if I talked too much, or ask me to help him with somethgin and then rage that I was spending too mcuh time with his roommate. When we went places all together, things were even more awkward...sometimes close to violent. So I pretty much avoided the roommate and when I was around him I was a nervous wreck.) This roommate and I had so many similarities, interests and tastes, I really was attracted to him on all levels. Maybe it was just in contrast to how unhealthy things were in my relationship. It was the thing that gave me a view of how jilted everythign was. Even though I never expressed an interest, the living situation between them got very tense before my b/f left. I'm not sure if there was a falling out...but they never spoke again. My b/f wanted me to promise I would never contact his roommate for any reason...it was his one request, he said the roommate thought I was psychotic, dumb and would never appreciate me. That sounded like a bunch of BS so I didn't pay it too much heed though I understood his worry...and just said I doubted there would ever be a time we'd be in contact. Fast forward to now 6 mths later... Because things were so bad and I never felt there was a time to raise the issue of literally breaking things off, we never had closure. After months of not hearing from him and vice versa, it felt like things were well enough left alone. Mr. Party animal has his life down there, and I would like to have my own here. So, I contacted his roommate/friend a couple months ago via email out of curiosity . Anyway, it was a breath of fresh air. After exchanging a few emails and chatting online a couple of times we batted around the idea of meeting up sometime just to hang out. He asked if I still talked to my b/f..which I replied in earnest, "no, haven't heard much from him." So he asked me out one evening. I was really excited. Couldn't fathom that it would be anythign more intimate than a few of his friends and me watching tv or ctaching a bite somewhere... though it ended up being just him. Apparently a date. I was extremely nervous, because for all I know about him, we've never had the opportunity to really communicate. It was like a silent wish was being granted and I freaked out... Unfortunately, I botched the evening really badly by being a nervous wreck...and probably coming off as rude because of that. Here was this person who I have always felt awkward around, talking to alone for the first time and who I really like- it was mess. Well the next morning, I received a call from bf/ex asking how my evening was and did I enjoy the date with his roommate? I said we had only talked which was what it amounted to... but declined to admit we had gone to dinner...mostly because he prefaced that with " do I have to come back up there and put someone in their place?"- I guess referring to his roommate...or me...(?) Here's this person trying to tell me who I can and can't talk to, who only ever calls when it's convenient or suddenly because he's worried about me meeting someone else. Or when he was arrested and needed bail, or if I could loan him money... I asked my friends the night before going whether I should call him up and say I was going out with the roommate or just break things off without mention of that and leave it as innocuous as possible. Their advice was, that as long as it wasn't certain to be a date, being that we have always been somewhat friends(aquaintances)- I should just wait and see if there was anything interest-wise before doing that. Absolutley nothing happened, and I was even confused about the motive behind asking me to dinner, since when I offered to split the tab, he said he owed me. FOr what I don't know!!! which I told him...but it made the rest of the evening kind of strange. He never made any innuendos or moves so it was about as innocent as going somewhere with a sibling. I haven't heard back from him after the dinner, but have repeatedly heard from my ex/bf (?!) every day since. I bite my tongue, because he keeps saying if he ever loses me he'll kill himself or hurt his old roommate...and I could believe either of those two things easily. Though now I question whether it was all a ploy to see what I was up to? SO confused about the motives of the roommate and why the sudden interest after all this time from an ex who has this idea we're solid enough for marriage suddenly. SO what do I do? Nobody sympathizes with the situation, as all of my friends and fam have seen how he behaves-- they ignore me when I ask for help in this...it's black and white to them. I don't want him to do anythign brash...or hurt himself. HE's told all of his old friends here that we're still together despite what I have said... so I can't really just move on. Which I am supposing is part of why I never heard back from his roommate. any advice for how to end this without bad consequences? I wrote a letter to his family saying that I was worried about him...but since then, they have already seen how out of control things can be in his life. They never replied. I wish somebody could be there for him just to make sure he's safe....I'm just so ready to make a clean break. Thinking about moving and taking a job accross the country--and just leaving the situation behind. Angry I messed up a possible friendship with the roommate and confused about how to leave my bf... who I referred to as an ex, until I realised he still thinks we're together.