This is my first time posting on this forum, or any forum at all. (im apologize for the length but there is so much to say, and it could have been 25 pages if i wasnt careful)
I am in need of guidance, this is/was my only serious relationship because we are highschool sweet hearts. I have been with her for 3 years and wanted her since I met her 8 years ago.
We have been very happy and very much so in love the whole time. We still are very much so in love.
The reason I am posting started 6 weeks ago.
My gf and I had been looking forward to a vacation in Cuba together, when I was about to book it i realized that my passport had expired. I told her that just cuz i couldnt go shouldnt mean that she cant. She ended up going with her mother.
When she came back she wanted space with no explanation and treated me very coldly about it. Initially she only wanted 2 days, at the end of the two days she didnt call or make any contact so i called her cell phone to find out that she was hanging out with one of my friends that she barely knows rather than coming home to see me.
This was very unlike her because she was the kind of person who wanted to stay home with me all the time and was sad if we could not see each other even one night.
At first her reasoning for the space was that she felt she had not grown as a person because she was able to feel secure because of me. This I believe to be true. For myself undoubtedly as well.
She has never really been the social type because of her insecurities, something that I was constantly working on with her, for her to be more confident about herself. All of a sudden after cuba she had this very active social life with people she met in cuba, she was also hanging out with another guy very frequently one on one who she insisted strongly and convincingly that he was just a friend and because we were taking space she needed people around her seeing as she is like me and hates to be on her own.
For the past couple of weeks we have been bouncing between being together and not being together and taking a 'break'.
3 weeks ago when i was drunk and feeling abandoned and confused and angry, i called her. i said a lot of terrible things to her about her being a * * * * because i suspected her of being with other guys or at least flirting with the idea.
That night she went and slept with soembody because she was so angry and hurt from what I said. I have forgiven her for it because nobody has the right to scream at somebody on the phone like a f--king idiot, and i have quit drinking for this reason, it turns me into a rage machine when im hurting because im too weak to feel pain so i would rather be angry. i would not forgive her sleeping with somebody if i didnt know how deeply i have hurt her by verbally abusing her in multiple ocasions over the years, this has only ever happened when i drink and i usually dont even know what i said and feel like scum when i wake up the next day sober and realize that i just treated the love of my life like garbage. This is a large part of the reason i broke up with her because i can not allow myself to treat somebody like that. I promised myself i wouldnt turn into my parents, and sure enough i did.
along the road there have been inconclusive hints that she might be 'more than friends' with one of these guys.
the most disturbing situation was when one day i was at her place and i confronted her with how i suspected that there might be soemthing going on, i said that if there was nothing to hide she would show me her text messages, after some talk she agreed. I scrolled threw the first few messages and as i got to one that was from a guy that said something along the lines of "oh dont worry clothes come off" she went crazy trying to get the phone from me crying hysterically as if i read the next message i would leave her for good. She finally got one hand on the phone and rather than let me read the next message she broke the phone in two.
Her defence for breaking it was that I would take the messages the wrong way. But i fear that it is the resentment i have created by verbally abusing her on those occasions that drives her to flirting with other guys or perhaps she has even been with more than i know.
She was extremely apologetic and hysterical for me not to leave her for good, to the point of hyper ventilating. after a couple of days I said that I would get back together with her if she cut off contact with these people. She was quick to agree.
Yesterday evening I realized that I only took her back because it hurts so bad to not be with her and not because it was healthy. I called her and said that I wanted to break up indefinitely simply because there were too many un resolved issues and also too many indications about there being somebody else. I was very calm and compassionate in doing it, I stayed on the phone with her for 2 hours calming her down explaining that it wasnt a punishment or an act of revenge, and that in the end i hope we can work through our personal issues and relationship issues to be together again.
The last important point i want to note is that i believe her uncharacteristic behaviour has to do with the fact that she has been an alcoholic for the past 6 months and just told me that she had been hiding it(or it is a rationalization i have made up because i dont want to see anything but she cares for me). She was able to hide it because we would usually have a drink in the evening so it wasnt hard to hide.
So i guess my one of a million questions which i will ask first is: is it healthy for us to maintain phone contact and instant messenger contact if we both have the intention of getting back together?
I would be extremely grateful for any insight, whether it has to do with my question or simply any other input
