indecisiveguy35

So I made a list, and the pros are fairly obvious to me. Good, kind-hearted person, similar values, I can trust her, attractive, concern for others, intelligence, similar goals, similar views on children, money, and she even likes to watch the game with me. Cons are the feeling that something is missing in my life. She doesn't really add or subtract from that, so I don't know if that is even something to look for. Other cons include her stubbornness, a certain clinginess, and her family history, which does not include any happy marriages and instead a lot of painful divorce. One of the other posters hit on something about love. It is something deep that wells up inside of you, beyond a feeling of butterflies. Maybe this is what I am missing. I feel compassion and concern for her, I want the best for her, but I guess when I am really serious with myself, I don't have this huge fountain of emotion inside of me for her. I don't find myself thinking about her all the time. I want to, I try to, but it does not come naturally in this relationship. I can see though that at her essense, God made something really special. Her presense in a room or crowd just feels good. I still don't know where that leaves me.

Wow, there's lots of very good advise here. I like that fact that everyone is here is non-judgmental, and I can tell there is a genuine concern for the fellow man. I agree with the biblical quote about love. I'm just not sure how applicable it is to most of us here on earth, since if we are honest we mostly have our own interests at heart much of the time. Or we at least expect something in return. That definition absolutely is what we must strive for, but I feel personally that I would have a long way to go before I could have that much control over my emotions and desires. It would require pure 100% faith. Stayed up until two last night thinking, and I am still not able to reach a decision. I think I am going to call the priest who is performing the ceremony to voice my concerns. Right now I am leaning towards calling it off, since I can't find peace in my subconscious being. It seems a little reckless to go ahead with those kinds of feelings. But I would say it is 55/45, so my mind is not made up yet. Yet I do know that any marriage or act of putting your future in another's hands is an act of faith. It would be really, really sad if things don't work out. I can't imagine two people caring about each other as much as us. Still some time left try to solidify my feelings, so I will keep on trying.

Yes, we have seen our priest, who suggested praying to discern an answer. He said if we are unable to come to a decision, we should postpone. As I've said, the prayers always give me hope. It is only when I am trying to sleep at night that the doubts begin to hit me. Sometimes they carry into the day if it is a particularly bad night. We are physically attracted to each other, that is not an issue. It is more of the butterfly in your stomach feelings that are not present. I think it would be great to have them, but I know that realistically, they are usually temporary (based on my own experience). I really appreciate that all of you are offering some words here. I really just want to see if there is anything I am missing before making a final leap. Obviously we are all individuals and it is tough to know what is going on inside of your own mind/heart, let alone someone else's..

I would be very sad to see her go, knowing what kind of a person she is and how good we are together. Obviously after 4 years you've got a lot invested emotionally, spiritually, & financially. We actually had a heart to heart about a while ago, and almost postponed the wedding because of this. We were both pretty hysterical crying when we thought about not being together. Now on the other hand, it is possible that the anxiety would go away, and that does bring on a slight amount of relief. But it could be replaced by depression (something I think I used to have until we were together).

Thank you for responding. Well she had been strongly hinting after about a year and half that she was interested. I always saw her as a long term possibility as well. At first I was quite afraid because I do not have much relationship experience outside of this one. I did a lot of soul searching and really felt that she is a beautiful person inside and out, and that she would be a positive influence in my life. Honestly, without these feelings at night, this decision would be a no-brainer. But I am afraid that if this inner conflict does not resolve itself, I will never be able to find peace with myself. The feelings are mainly anxiety, racing heartbeat, pains in my chest, suddenly awaking at night. Thanks again.

I need some advice, very quickly and very honest. I am about to married in only a few short days and am really concerned about whether I should go through with this. We have been together over 4 years, and engaged over half a year. I have always felt a strong connection with her and we get along absolutely great. We definitely have a comfort level that few other couples do. However, neither of us seems to feel much of a romantic spark. I figure that romantic feelings come and go, but they do not necessarily mean you "love" the other person. You are just infatuated and hormones are raging. Yet we are both afraid that we could be settling. I tried to approach this from a rational perspective, that we both have many similarities and interests, and that the pros of marriage definitely outweigh the cons. Yet I have had these powerful subconscious feelings when I am trying to sleep that I should not go through with this, that something is wrong, etc. These started several years into the relationship and have picked up with the added stress of the upcoming wedding. I am afraid that a panic attack could occur soon if I do not get things straightened out in my head. Also, I'm not sure how relevant this is for most members, but I have really been trying to leave this up to God. Every time I pray, I feel a sense of encouragement and support. But my subconscious mind sabotages these feelings when I am alone to myself at night. So I am wondering if my conversations with God really consist of me just telling myself everything will be alright. Is God more a part of our conscious intellect, or is He to be found in our subconscious being? I've prayed for the ability to decipher the difference, but so far to no avail. One last thing. I unfortunately tend to be a pessimist, so my natural instinct is to be critical of situations and carry lots of anxiety. I also don't like being in front of a lot of people (i.e. at the wedding). This could be further complicating my feelings. Any help is very, very appreciated, as I view marriage as a lifelong commitment and plan on honoring the contract if I go through with this.