SoWhat

thenx for your reply but since you know so much about gay ppl how exactly can i try and stop it? Is it really a decision? Dont know...

Hello, After reading several posts in these forums i feel the need to say that anyone trying to find a name that describes the purpose of this site better can only fail. "You Are Not Alone", true, so very true. A truth that although didn’t solve my problems gave me some comfort and helped me arrange my thoughts. But let me explain myself. I’m 23 and with the exception of the last year i have rarely lost an opportunity to mock a homosexual, to make fun of him behind his back. How can they kiss each other? How can they prefer men to women? Well i kinda got my answers when i found out that it was very hard to keep myself from kissing my best friend who of course is straight, as i never associated with any gays. That was just the start, now (the last 3 months) i cant stop thinking of him and what frightens me more is that being with him is almost the only sex fantasy that i have. I don’t have any desire for other men (my friend excluded i am not sure i like men) and although he would not be considered as the typical sexy guy i’m sure i would prefer him over allot of good-looking women. He is 22 and i’ve known him for over 9 years which makes things more confusing as he knows all my friends (to be more accurate ALL my friends are his friends too) and that would mean a total disaster in my social life if i told him how i feel. Actually forget it, don’t make it more complicated, $%^& my social life, i don’t care. The only thing i care about right now is that the guy is like my brother and i know him well enough to be sure that speaking openly with him would kill our friendship IF he doesn’t feel the same way. This big “IF” is what has puzzled me more than anything else. Why? Because his behavior towards me has changed lately. I can agree that’s its normal for 13 or 16 year old boys to wrestle a little bit for fun but what about 23 year old men wrestling in a bed? Wrestling with me has become a habit for him the last 3 months and drove me crazy. Every time i go by his home he will start teasing me, (calling me "gay" and tickling me) and we will end up wrestling in his bed. No matter what i’ll do to stop it (tell him i’m not in the mood for this nonsense, that i’m too tired, shout at him demanding to let me go) he will keep on until one of us (usually me) is exosted. This has happened numerous times (mostly after smoking weed) but except from the very first time i was never the one to start it. So… could i be receiving wrong messages? Do i want it so bad that i cant see things “straight” anymore? How possible is it that drugs play a role in this and in what extend? Why would he want to wrestle after smoking weed when he normally would be too “relaxed” to even walk accross the room? What effect could have that we both haven’t had a serious relationship with a girl for a very long time along with the fact that we spend all of our free time together? Lastly coming back to my sexual orientation, no matter how it may sound, the only thing i have to say is that i have stopped thinking in terms of “man” or “woman” or “homosexual” giving more attention to ones personality than the label society uses to describe him. Although i’m not comfortable with my new feelings i’m not afraid of them anymore. It’s clearer to me now how a man can feel love for another man and although i never had feelings for any other men I can see it as something normal. But in my mind the problem with my sexual orientation is very small compared with the problems that i could create in our relationship if i shared my thoughts with him. Then again if i don’t tell him, how do i force my mind to forget the thing i want most when it’s next to me everyday? What can i do when being totally honest with him is not an option (the risk is overwhelming)? Do you think its possible for him to have similar feelings? Thanks for taking the time to read this, honestly i tried to be brief but anyone in my state of mind will understand that it’s not easy. Also i have to thank in advance all those who will take the time to reply sharing their thoughts and experiences, even a single word will help. I have to admit i’m in need of all the advice i can get as i’m walking in unfamiliar territory. Feeling the need to apologize for my unfair treatment of homosexuals in the past i have chosen as a quote the truth.