nip

The truth stings but you are right, I know deep down what I need to do. But I had to smile at the last bit of advice- I meant attending someone else's wedding. Sorry for that misunderstanding!

Hello... I'm really new to this whole thing... I really do not know what to do. I feel as though this anxiety is going to overcome me. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and for the past month or more I have been in great anxiety over the thoughts of breaking up. I know it might sound weird, but I wish he was a jerk so that I could understand why I want to leave him. Our realitionship up until recently has been based upon weekend visits since I have been going to school in a different city. Shortly before I moved in (after weeks of thinking I expressed my thoughts to him and we talked it out and I was soothed and I decided that I just had cold feet. Then a week later I felt the same anxiety on a camping trip- as though the person I was sitting next to did not know me and vice versa. This time I told him it would not work out and I had to break up with him. It was bad timing, but I had to do it. He of course was hurt and upset and I couldn't stand how cold he became (But then, how else did I expect him to react?). So, yet again, I backed down. The honey moon phase started all over again and I moved in with him and planned to look for a job and get my life going, etc. And this is where I am now. I am usually an independent person, and yet the thought of stepping out of the house gives me great anxiety. The thought of getting a job scares me- but so does the thought of being financially dependent on my boyfriend. He is 28 with a good paying career now and I am 22 and still not finished my schooling for a degree with an uncertain future. I am also taking a year off my studies after completing my first two years of my degree because he does not want to quit his job (understandably) and also does not want to do a long distance realtionship for another year or two. This is what I agreed to but I am in a strange limbo of sorts in a city with no friends and my boyfriend is now not sure if he can transfer for two years. So I feel stuck and panicky. And all the differences in interest that i used to find stimulating now feel like huge crevases between us. Also, perhaps becasue he is older than me, he sometimes talks to me as a father would to a child. He has been doing a good job of watching how he says things and he does take good care of me and he's really affectionate and gentle... but we're so different! But I know that all he wants is a companion and he does not force me to do anything- although he admits he can be a bit of a control freak about schedules and organization (a coping mechanism for his own anxiety disorder). I'm babling, but I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Now I feel that if I leave him now, I am being ungrateful for all he has done for me. And I am admittedly scared of being out on my own again. And the finality of saying goodbye to him forever scares me so much because he is what I've known for so long and he is safe and comfortable. But I feel it is wrong to stay with him if I feel this way. Sure, I'd be financially stable for the rest of my life if I were to stay with him- but that, I feel, is the wrong reason to be with someone. I can't stand the thought of hurting him again, and the idea of throwing all we have out the window wiht one speach bothers me... so i am afraid that I'll back down agian, I want desperatly to love him the same way I used to. It's either that or I have to leave him. And I feel disillusioned about my connection with him now... so I feel there is only one thing to do and I can't bring myself to do it. I can only sit here in a sort of resignation. I keep thinking I'll wait a few days and see how things go, or some commitment we have, like a wedding comes up and I agonize about weather it's worse to break up before or after... then nothing happens.(we've been to two weddngs with these thoughts on my mind) I am terrified of becoming my mother- she stayed with my father even though she was not happy. Maybe I am just too afraid of that happening I have subconsciously decided not to love my boyfriend to protect myself- or maybe these are real thoughts. And I being selfish? Is it wrong for me to feel such a strong urge for independence that I want to hurt the one I still care for? (Even if the fire has died) Am I just blind to how good I have it? (Most of my past boyfriends have been jerks) Am I just really naiive? Am I just being an idealist, thinking that if someone treats me well that it isn't enough? Should I accept that we have very little in common and see how it pans out? Am I just getting carried away with a thought? Or should I just leave and get this over with? Also, this may sound silly- but I only ask out of curriosity- do you consider it more cruel to break up with someone before a wedding or after? Thanks for reading my... novel. -Nip