stopit

Thanks guys! So I gotta practice and gain some confidence. (and it's nice to know I'm not the only one in this situation!)

I'm still wondering though how to look without staring at the person? I can't seem the strike the harmonious chord between stiffness and avoidance (looking too much vs. not looking at all).

Weird problem to have, I know, but if you just look at the person without moving at all, without so much as blinking, it's a bit creepy. I want to know how you can be natural at the same time.

Do you still feel a bit unnerved bit what she said? Did you two clear everything up?

She should have been a lot clearer when she told you she still had feelings... but now you know what type of feelings and don't have to worry about it!

Google search, as seems to be the most common way.

I was lucky though that this was the first site to pop up, so I didn't have to go through all the unsupportive, flaming-stricken forums before landing here.

I think you need to distance yourself from him, for both of your sakes. You would benefit from it because not being around him would make you think of him less (after a few days), and he would have to make some decisions and priorities. Until he's officially single, he's unavailable and not open for the taking. There's no sense in becoming emotionally attached to him at such a high price. I would drop all expectations of being with him and move on.

The way things are, the situation is too messy for anything meaningful to arise from it.

These are definitely questions you need to ask (the ones in your first post). For your own sake, you need to know the direction this relationship is heading and what meaning it has to her. In turn, you should share you opinions and have an honest, responsive discussion.

It's not uncommon to have feelings for your first: as much as it may be bothersome, it's just natural to still have that friendship/connection. I think you should make her elaborate on what she means by "having feelings for her ex." At first I thought it was a "caution: danger ahead" sign, but then your second post nullified that almost completely. I mean, it's just human nature to care about your ex if you end it on good terms: it's not fair to you, however, if by feelings she means strong feelings that make her want to go back to him.

Clarification is definitely needed: ask her!

I think it's best if you tell her in person, unless you write a substantially lengthy letter (i.e. more than 3 sentences - yes, very long indeed) to compensate for not being there with her. When you bring it up it'd be best to incorporate it into some sort of apology, like sumguy said, and use it as an explanation for your behavior.

I can see why she may have acted strange when you asked her whether she and her mom had made up. The question was a bit forward and perhaps not within the bounds of your acquintanceship/friendship to ask. But it's good because it lets her know that you care about what's going on in her life, even if she was taken aback by it. If she's someone who is strong and independent, then just by personality she may have wanted to give off the impression that she was okay and over it.

As for the breakup thing, it seems to me like you want to use it as leverage to make a friendship. It might come off as contrived and manipulative: do it only if it's something that you would genuinely do because you feel some need to share it. Cheesy as it may be, your heart's gotta be in the right place. As long as you're honest to yourself about your intentions, then go ahead with it!

Speaking as one of those people who turns fifteen shades of red and feels not butterflies but bats in my stomach upon seeing the guy I like, I never really understood how it is people make eye contact without it becoming awkard and uncomfortable.

I'm one of those people (thank god for defense mechanisms who look down and avoid eye contact at all costs with the guy I'm attracted to. It's just too intense I guess, and I can't think straight when I'm around him because I get so flustered, let alone when he's looking into my eyes.

So how do you get the confidence to maintain lasting eye contact in conversation? And how do you play it safe on the subtle variation between outright staring and natural eye contact when speaking to the person you're attracted to?

You don't have to go "I LIKE YOU!!!", but all these sly glances and strained conversations don't seem to be getting either of you anywhere, now do they?

Agreed!

He's probably acting strangely because of all the awkwardness and tension that's been building up due to the glances and avoidances. You both know what's happening, but neither of you know what to do about it (or are willing to do what you know you ought to do). So make a move to get to know him and break this cycle!

I can speak from grand experience: no.

I agree with aymee_lee that when you sense someone's attracted to you, it's very alluring in and of itself. But even this can prove dangerous: some people are flirty without being conscious of it and this can lead to misinterpretations, and alas, disappointment.

Besides, not everyone is built that way: if you are attracted first, the chances that the person reciprocates are too arbitrary to calculate when it comes to instant attraction. Some people have to get to know the person for a long time before they become attracted; others have strange reasons for becoming attracted (e.g. he was buying my favorite soap). There's no comfortable room for generalizing because everyone has their own style when it comes to attraction.

I agree with all the other posters - too soon and whatnot. But I also think it would have been contextually inappropriate: he probably wants to tell you, when the time comes, to your face in a special place over dinner or something. A poem is sweet, but to say it for the first time in a text message would have probably been disappointing for you anyway.

Don't fixate on reaching this "goal" of getting him to say "I love you." Enjoy the beginning stages of your relationship and just have fun together!

Nervousness. Unless the guy I like initiates some sort of recognition of me first, I'll walk by him in fear he won't respond.

For some people it's just impossibly hard to talk to the people they like if they are extremely shy, and they come off as rude/mean as a result (quite unintentionally!).

Sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! I'd say there were mistakes on both parts, and pretty minor ones at that. Whenever people mention stuff that is outside the ordinary, it evokes shock and surprise, and we're never really well equipped to deal with those unexpected twists. I'm sure if it were anyone else, we'd have done the exact same thing or worse!

If you apologized, that's great. If you showed her, like the other posters mentioned, that you care and will be there for her if she ever needs to talk about it, then that works just as well.

For the rest of your time, just be yourself around her - what she needs more than support (which if excessive, can become cumbersome easily) is normalcy and regularity. I don't know if her fighting with her mom is a regular thing in her life, but she'll sense it if you act too kind or cautious around her and she'll take it as pity. But do let her know that she can approach you during difficult times (assuming that you're open to this - if you're dreading the thought of talking about it, then it'd be better off to focus on cheering her up than having a heart-to-heart with tears and emotion and the works).

In 1st period, she told me that last night she and her mom got into a fight. She said her mom was doing all the yelling and she was crying. She was pretty cheerfull, so I thought it was all behind her.

I think this may have been the problem.

It's never easy to come out about something like that (unless she does it all the time, and it's the type of thing that you're used to her bringing up; but from the context of your post, it seems like a first). She probably didn't expect you to react like that and just acted cheerful. It's not the type of thing that you seem cheerful about, really, especially if she was crying about it less than 12 hours ago.

Did her mood change immediately after the joke? Maybe there was something suggestive in the wording of your joke that hit an already sensitive wound. She told you about the fight, and it's understandable if she was distressed about it and couldn't focus on her homework. If you joked something along the lines of "What were you doing, lounging around?", I can easily see that leading to some resentment, given you knew the circumstances of her night.

Maybe she was expecting you to show some concern for her (assuming you're close friends), but when you didn't pull through, pushing you away was her method of choice in handling the disappointment. Although it's not the best way to handle such a situation, she's under a lot of stress evidently - give her a break. It's best to just ask her what's wrong in a nonconfrontational way and set yourself to fix it as much as possible.

Or simply be sensitive and understanding. Be supportive whenever you touch on the issue, even if it is in a somewhat indirect way. If this proves too intimate for someone you "don't want to be enemies with," (I really don't know the specs of your relationship, but I'm assuming you're good friends) then just avoid the subject altogether and let her deal with her situation on her own.

Those aren't hope inspiring indicators, but they aren't surefire clues that she's not into you. Some people are just overly pampered or don't deal well with rejection (so they reject first, even if the perceived rejection is somewhat irrational). Or she might not want to get your hopes up and so she's trying to distance herself.

Point is the clues are clues, yet they are vague at best. Find out more and see how she continues reacting. If it persists, test the waters like the other posters said and ask her out/keep your distance from her for a period of time to see how she reacts.

I know the conflict well. You want romantic love, to share all your victories and losses with, but you know it's unattainable for this reason or for that. You feel like perhaps you don't deserve it, maybe. You feel helpless and insignificant.

I'd choose this mix of pain and hope over jadedness and boredom anyday. It seems to me like that's the alternative route you're heading, an attitude bordering on "Oh well, I tried." It's exasperating and tiresome, but quite honestly it can only go away if you remove yourself from everything that triggers the thought of romance: movies, tv, books, couples, etc. Even if you do become Henry David Thoreau, you're still going to think about it. You can't detach yourself from something you want, from passion. You know that already I would think. You can try, experimentally, smelling a foul odor everytime you think about love to train yourself to hate it. I think that would just make you bitter and bemused more than content and at peace.

Figuring out how to get relationship is your struggle. You haven't given us enough info to identify the "problem" though it seems like a wrong time/wrong place scenario. Figuring out whether you want to fully commit yourself to this is also up to you, or deciding if you just want to wing it and focus on other areas of your life at this time.

I know it's frustrating and devastating at times, but your future isn't set in stone. You have many years ahead of you, so many that time is pretty much inconsequential. Stop using the figure 29 years as some sort of testament to how you think you failed - attitude is everything! You've met some women in the past, but other factors weren't working for you - the lesson you should learn from those encounters is that there are people out there for you who want to be with you.

You need a break from all this, from the stress and the emotional up and downs. So take a break and take things at your own pace. Work on your confidence, seeing the good in yourself and your achievements. Make a list of goals that you want to accomplish and set about making them reality. Don't be so hard on yourself - forgive yourself for your flaws and praise yourself for your assets.

I think before you NC, you need answers to these questions. If you leave them to dry in the sun on their own accord, you're just going to wondering about all these "What if?" situations, and those are never fun to deal with. Talk to her first and find out what's the deal with the apology and what her stance is in terms of the relationship. Communicate your needs as well: you need time, and it's the least you deserve after this rollercoaster she's put you through.

What exactly were the terms on which you two broke up? Do you actually think you can forgive her for whatever she did?

That's really strange - this is all out of the blue? Maybe she felt a suddent pang of guilt because something went wrong in some other area of her life and she needs to be reprieved of this in order to lessen the net burden? It could be anything really.

I think the best thing you can do right now is be honest with yourself and with her about forgiving her. No point in misleading her if you are actually willing to forgive her, and no sense in harming yourself by giving it when you're in no position to do so.

When confused, it's generally best to talk to the source about it. Ask her why the sudden apology. I'm assuming that you two are friendly given you still chat with her on msn, so confront her about it to clear things up.

Even if you've met up with his friends, hold up your guard a bit. Don't let people earn your trust that easily on line. Precaution is always good!

That said, you should probably test the waters first and see how you two interact in person (assuming you all live near each other). Once you're comfortable with each other, things will flow naturally and you'll know when to tell him that you like him (maybe even after he tells you first!). Take your time and take full advantage of the time you spend getting to meet him, and then decide what to do from there.

Well regardless of his feelings, it's obvious that either way he's being a bit of a jerk by absolutely ignoring you without actually having met you himself. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Anyone who can make such a premature assessment of someone with such conviction is bound to be shallow and not worth your time anyway. I agree with the other two posters - it's best to move on to better things!

I really would suggest that you talk to her about it. She's probably acting distant because you guys haven't discussed what's going on the relationship, and both of you are in the dark as to what the other is feeling. Maybe she feels like she should distance herself so that you don't get the wrong impression. But you seem to know the limitations of the friendship anyway, but she doesn't know that you know that. Tell her that you'd like things to go back to the way they were, and maybe quantify your feelings for her in a flattering way? The fact that she still hangs out with you means that she wants to go back to being friendly and chatty, but she's just waiting for some sort of "Go" signal, for some reassurance.

It'll be a little awkward at first, but in the end it'll be worth it.

If you leave this hanging above you without resolving it, I wouldn't expect it to get better within the near future, though time may possibly work in your favor eventually. The question is whether you want it to continue being awkward anyway between you two in the mean time.

We've all given you answers. Is there something more specific you're looking for?

Okay, if you believe that, it's true. Unless you are disgusting to look at, with spit hanging down your face, oil dripping from your hair, and snot hanging from your nostrils, it's not going to be the be all and the end all. What is attractive to one person is not to another - there is no universal attractive quality (check out any post on here that has polled the qualities that women/men find most attractive in mate and you'll see that there is no consensus). For some people, baldness works, for others it doesn't. Just in the same way for some people muscle definition and the typical male model physique works, whereas for others it simply doesn't. There's someone out there, probably a larger population than you would have yourself believe, that find you attractive. Give yourself and women in general some credit.

I'm not really sure what you are asking for at this point. You say that you want to stop the search, and then you say that you want a relationship. Which one is it?! You've got to work out these conflicting desires: which will make you most content? It's funny because for some people they wind up in a relationship the second they stop looking. Maybe it would be good for you to take a break from the search and just focus on yourself for the time being. If you've always wanted to try a sport or go parachuting, then take it up. Be adventurous or read books if that's something you've always wanted to do but never seem to have had the time to do because you were distracted by the entire relationship thing.

One thing that I can tell you is that if you do continue your efforts and date, you have to have your mind set about it and openly acknowledge this. You have to be all there - you can't be wavering between this and that. Uncertainty and doubt won't get you very far.

Quite obviously you're not very happy with your looks. You should work on this: either change it so that you are happy with it, or reconcile yourself to accepting yourself regardless of your appearance. You have to stop seeing this as a limiting factor: you deserve so much if you'd only let yourself reap all these things! I think by fixating on looks your just making yourself feel hopeless about the situation. Okay, I'll admit that looks are important in the first stage of the relationship, but only to a certain extent, and that extent changes from woman to woman. Don't let this discourage you: the only way it can truly hurt you is if you believe that you don't have good looks and let this lower your confidence.

Unless she's a sports fan, it might not be the best place for your first date. It's better to do something more interactive, something in which you aren't spectators but actually doing something together. The ideas that rose2summer gave are great because you can have conversations easily about the displays.

If you like doing physical things, how about mini golf? Cheesy, I know, but something along those lines is always good for a first date.

Happens to me all the time (not just through myspace). Meet people somewhere, have a nice time, and they don't bother to keep in touch even if we were great friends during our time together.

Ah well, I don't let it get to me. Some people are just not the type to keep in touch.

Even if your interested in something casual, I agree with the other posters that unless you've talked to her before (and something more than 2 words), it would be awkward and uncomfortable. Start coming in early to class to talk to her, try to sit next to her, and try to walk her out of the building to make some starting conversation. Even if she did say yes, wouldn't it be somewhat awkward to meet up with someone you don't know anything about? This way you'll both be more comfortable when you two meet up.

If you don't really know her, ask her out within the near future to keep things more casual and spontaneous. Like if you have a morning class, ask her if she wants to go for coffee afterwards. If you do something nice and simple, it's hard to be too forward.