After lurking around here on and off for the past year or so, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share my story with everyone. Hopefully it will help someone; I drew a lot of inspiration from others and just hearing that I wasn't alone helped a great deal. So here goes (bare with me!):
I dated a girl for 4.5 years, it started when she was 18, I was 22 and we got along famously. Rarely fighting, no disagreements (she didn't like conflict). We were the "perfect couple" or so I thought. One day, out of the blue I was blind sided by her saying she no longer wanted to be together, no real reasons, no closure, she just couldn't be with me. I WAS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. For the first time in my life I felt completely aimless, pessimistic and without hope (I'm normally a very upbeat person). I needed answers: if everything was so "perfect" how could I end up being dumped? Which is how I ended up here. Initially, I was looking for ways to win back my ex (aren't we all?), but after scouring through the forums and reading others advice I started to realize that I needed to take a step back and look at who I was.
It was during this period of reflection that I started to realize that much of what I did contributed to the break-up. I took the love of my life for granted, she had given me a lot of freedom and I abused it. I didn't show her just how important she was to me and that's all she wanted. Just coming to this realization made me want to change who I was and I made every effort to become a better person. I realized if you really care about someone you need to make them feel loved and make them feel important. I made every effort to change who I was, to get in touch with my feelings and learn to express them in a way that others could appreciate. After seeing these changes and working through some of the issues in our relationship, the ex and I got back together.
After a year together, guess what – single again! Overall, I think the relationship was a lot healthier than it had been. We actually had the occasional fight ( I think that's healthy), we talked a lot more about 'us' and worked through issues, but recently something felt like it was missing. I started to feel like I wasn't a priority in her life anymore, it didn't feel like things were moving forward. I wanted to have a future together but for some reason she couldn't see it. I wasn't happy with the lack of optimism in the relationship and she needed her "space" to sort out what she wanted to do in life (I'm 27 now and have a pretty good idea of the direction my life is headed, she's 23 and still looking for her 'niche'). So 2.5 weeks ago we decided to end it, somewhat mutually, I wanted to try and work through things but she just couldn't see anything changing right away. I was ready to walk away, but heard 3 days later she went on a date with someone her 'friends' set her up with the day of the break-up. I was livid, I called her to see if it was true, she said yes, that was it.
We haven't talked since then, I don't know if we will again. Our first break-up gave me a chance to sort out who I was and who I needed to be to others. This time, I'm not nearly in the state I was last before; it's still difficult at times but I think I learned so much the first time around (thanks to time, friends, family and this board) that I'm better equipped to handle things this time around. I actually feel bad for not feeling so bad! This time it's about me finding the person in life who can make me truly happy and the one that I truly love.
I'll be honest, I'm looking for the success stories, those people who made it work again, but somehow it doesn't seem to matter that much. I'm a true believer in the old cliché "if it's meant to be…" but I don't think it is. I truly loved her and could have seen us having a future together - she didn't want that, I can't be with someone who doesn't have the same appreciation for me (funny how the roles have changed).
So here's my advice to those looking to get back with your ex (although it's probably been said here a thousand times!):
- Step back, take time to get things right with yourself. Nobody's perfect and sometimes we need a wake-up call to realize that we can be a better person. Do it for yourself not for them!
- Focus on things in life that make you happy. You can spend all day thinking about the ex and over-analyzing the situation but you're just going to drive yourself nuts and it's not going to change the fact that you're a single now.
- Talk to your friends, your family, a counsellor, these forums. DON"T talk to the ex, your not going to hear the things you want (at least not right away). I felt so much better and learned so much I didn't know about my friends and family before the break-up just by opening up to those who were closest to me. You'll know you're ready for contact when it doesn't feel like your taking 2 steps back every time you even hear their name.
It's hard, we all know that, but learn from these experiences. Be selfish; think of yourself as the most important person in the world. There's bound to be set-backs but the good times only get better and the lows not so low.
In the meantime, I'll try and heed my own advice, let the head lead and not the heart until I'm ready for the next "one". Hopefully this will help someone like so many of your stories and advice helped me!
