ButterflyWrists

He commited suicide. He left a note found after he commited suicide. Saying I should live, he was upset that I had dumped him, he thought it was his fault I had allmost died from self harm. My Ex, he toutred me, tied me up, treated me as a slave. I was like his little lap dog. Had to do what he said else he'd hurt me. I didn't always do what he said, and I have scars from cuts he gave me. He rapped me a week after we split up, and also many times before then, I blamed what he did to me on his 'illness' but his illness is fake. My first suicide attempt was when i was 9/10, my mum had a different boyfriend, and he was always hitting her, and me, and sometimes my brother, at the time I didn't know how to help, the day I attempted suicide, was the day I saw him beating my mum up with a Dog Lead, I managed to beat him up with the same lead, but also at the same time I was getting seriously hurt. My mum afterwards dragged me out the house, my brother had gone to our neighbour, and I went with mum, we wewre going to run away, I didn't want to, I was frightend of what would happen, I thought he may find us, so I ran off, with the excuse I'm cold, I'm going to get my jumper, which I'd dropped on the road. As I got to it, a lorry was coming down the road, it was going fast. I went in front of it. . . Then I remember being at my neighbours house, and telling them where my mum was so we could all be together. And safe. After that I almost went into care.

huh? In what way? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If I could go and see a shrink again, I would, but I hold a fear that it would stop me being able to do the job that I want to do. I know deep inside me what my love did was not my fault, but it still doesn't rid the feeling that it was indeed my fault. I wish there was another way too sort my problems out without seeing a shrink

cause i've killed the only person i ever loved. i dont deserve help, nor anybody. i deserve to be dead. . . but the one i love wants me to live, i have tht from the note he left with me.

but i cant forgive myself for it! it is imposible.

1. Why do you harm? To get back at people/myself 2. Where do you cut (on the body and place in the world)? My arms stomache, in my bed. 3. What time of day does it usually occur? nighttime 4. How do you feel a)before? Crap b)after? better 5. How many times do you harm? loads, about 10 per place. 3 times a night

I am holding the blad, It is cold against my skin, I press it harder wondering, Slowly I draw it accross my flesh. I watch my blood, I count the cuts, I see my life and wonder, Have I really done this? I start it again, This time, cutting deeper, Holding the blade tighter, I cut down my arm, I'm now numb. I hear something, It's the beating of my heart, Its slowing and fading, My life is running short. I get a pen and paper, And write this one last note: I'm sorry, I never ment to hurt you, all I wanted was to show you how much I was hurting. I'm preying you find me, I don't want to die. I want it all to be over, but I want to be alive. I'll miss you, all of you, my family, and my friends. I never ment to hurt you. I prey you'll all forgive me. Please God, give me one last chance. After that note, I black out. I awaken 2 weeks later, I'm on a life support. Your standing over me, your face stained with tears. I hear the beeping of the machine, I feel glad you saved me. But at the same time I feel guilt. I turn away from you, I begin to cry. Two weeks later, I'm on the phycriatic ward, I'm in a paded out room, I can't talk to anyone now, I feel too guilty for what I'm putting them through. I dump you, as I feel you deserve better. Then I find out you've followed in my footsteps, and you've died. It is then I realise I must do something. I call the nurse, and ask to see a shrink. It takes me 3 years to get over what I've been through, but I can't ever get over the guilt of what I've done to you, the only person that I ever loved, the way I loved you.

ooh, I didn't know therapists needed to see a phycologist too. It's just a visious circal then I guess. Well you are all helping alot. I in tern can help as well.

*hides under pillow* ahhh, u lot are realli helpful! thanx for the advise. . . i cant talk to people at school as i dont go to school anymore. college shrinks i can, but it goes onto ur college records. and i wanna be a phycologist, so i cant realli see a shrink, this is probably the best place to talk about it! __X__

Well the pain I have is: Choronic earache, to some people that may not sound bad, but trust me, it is, you cant have ears amputated I have alot of emotional pain, and My Ex used to abuse me, and I stayed with him for 1yr 2 mnths. My mums boyfriend is always having ago at me, I ran away twice cause of him, once for 1 night, another for 3. and yet my family still don't understand, I've tryed to talk to them, but they wont listen to me. I'm 16 I can legally move out, but I need to go to college. I want to die, but at the same time I want to beat the people who have made my life hell. I've self harmed alot, and atemted suicide 14 times, and all hae failed (I know that is obvious, but I once had someone ask me if I survived) Also I've been in and out of hospital all my life. Sometimes I just wish I'd died of Meninjitus at 11months.

Only to my boyfriend and 2 best friends is my life worth something. . . My boyfriend is also suicidal, one of my best friends I have no contact with, and the other is again also suicidal when they go, I will be worthless. . . Also I have alot of pain, and a bad past, people don't expect me to live thru all I have been thru. . . _________________________________________________________________ Sleeping is a death, until something awakens you from your dream. It may have been a bad dream, but it awakend you, or maybe a sound. But then you are no longer dead, you have to go back to the memorries, your pressent, and even your past. No one can ever let you go. . . You hold the only key to your death.

My life is worth nothing... I'm worthless!?!

Well. . . I woke up today, I saw what I really wanted, that was: I want everyones lifes to be as best as they can, and then I see, me, and peoples lives bad... Then I see myself dead, and everyones lives better. . . ](*,) So to me, life would be better if I didn't exist. . .