dawn515

Hm, my boyfriend is ten years younger than I. I hope that when I am 60 and he is 50, he doesn't think of me as an "old granny." Hmmph.

Hi missmebaby,

It sounds to me that you two spent too much time together in the beginning of the relationship. You mention that he still calls you a few times a day. Wow! Yet you still are now thinking he is bored with you.

Too much togetherness in the beginning of a relationship is bad. You have been together only a little over three months. He is either bored with you, as you fear, or you two just need some time apart. Why not just see one another on the weekends for awhile? Give him time to miss you.

Sounds to me like he still likes you, but talking every day? Go out with your friends here and there, and limit how much you talk to him. If you spend too much time together in the early stages, you just might get bored with one another too quickly.

I hope it works out! Good luck!

Whoah whoah whoah!!! Hold on there!

No, definitely NO flowers. And don't call her at work again. If I were you, I would wait a week and go to the restaurant again (when she's working). Is she the hostess?

I think you might have come on too strong, and though she was interested, she fudged by saying she was "kinda" dating someone.

I think there is hope, but, like ThatGirl said, pull back a little bit and play it cool.

Question for the OP:

I have to ask, as others have, how many women have you slept with? And what number would be "satisfactory" for you, for your girlfriend of 36 years who has never been married? AND (bonus round!), why ARE you wondering about this eight months into the relationship?

No judgment, just want info in order to give advice...

I do agree with you here. Just my opinion. But I've only given oral to 2 different men in my life. My ex who I was with for 6 yrs, and my b/f who I hope to marry someday. I just find it EXTREMELY personal. Not that I don't find sex extremely personal, but oral is just, well....involves your mouth.

I agree. I find giving oral to be really intimate. I know a lot of people think the opposite. I know that I have given oral to less people than my boyfriend has received from. It doesn't bother me, though.

Batya,

I am sure you would never judge someone's worth or goodness based on a college degree, and I never meant to imply otherwise.

I said I wanted someone with "good work ethic" in the way that they wouldn't sit about, with no job, and not helping me out with rent. (I live in a very expensive city.) It really doesn't matter to me what he does, as long as it's above board and he can pay his half of the expenses. At this point in my life, having never been married, I've become very independent and want to remain so. I don't want to be dependent on someone else or their income.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having certain standards, such as your requirement for a college degree. It's just that I used to think like that (even when I didn't have one yet!), and I think I could have missed out on quite a few guys if I stuck to that. The last guy I was serious with didn't have a college degree, but he was very intelligent and rose through the ranks at his company to a management job, and he is now making more than 200k a year. (We parted amicably.) The man I'm currently with is also quite intelligent, and is working his way through college, but he tends to the more creative arts. (My aforementioned ex was in the computer field.)

But, I like his art and his creativity, and he thinks I'm the smartest woman he's ever met. (Yay for me!) And *I* haven't even finished school yet!

I'm just wondering if you would make exceptions to the college degree requirement in certain circumstances? Not judging.. just curious.

She didn't say who started it -- she said after the bbq they got into their huge argument. (I said "blow up" because of the title of the thread.) I assumed that the PMS comment, along with the wine and the "selfish" accusation at the bbq, is what started their most recent argument, which ultimately led to her packing her bags (again). But apparently it played a role for her to mention it.

I don't get the "selfish" comment about her drinking wine at all, so I didn't comment on it, so I posted about the PMS one instead.

I do not factor degrees into my dating situation too much. I have many friends who have Bachelor's and many in grad school. Like others have said, work ethic is more important to me. At the moment, I am working on my Master's, but I am with someone who has yet to finish his Bachelor's. He even had to take the semester off to work and save money.

I could have dismissed him outright because of his lack of a college degree, but then I would have missed out on his humor, his love of literature (we share the same tastes), and his art. Yes, he's an artist. He's also highly intelligent and can keep up with me, most of the time! He's having a hard time right now dealing with an on-the-job injury and gathering the finances to go back to school.

I don't care if he goes back to school, as long as he's happy at what he is doing and can pay the rent. He can do whatever he wants. Plus, I've been there -- I dropped out of school when I was 20 to work full-time and cover expenses. It was several years before I was able to go back. I can't judge someone for not having a college degree right off the bat.

No, I would not stoop to playing games! I don't think he's cheating, I really don't. I just don't know why he'd keep these numbers, especially after getting the new phone while we were together and, as I mentioned, going through his phone to delete the numbers of people he doesn't talk to anymore, except the numbers of exes whom I know he doesn't talk to anymore and was never friends with.

I just don't get it.

I haven't talked to him about it yet, but I haven't come up with a good way to approach it that doesn't sound jealous, controlling or . It's not like he's calling them, I know that. I just don't know WHY it's so important to keep these numbers.

I'm starting to lean towards the Ego Theory more and more.

That is my point EXACTLY -- you THINK it is not comparable at all, but others think that they ARE, and therein lies the problem. You said that you think the PMS comment would be viewed as sweet and put him in a positive light. Well I think that the blowjob comment is cute, and puts her in a great light.

 

[snip]

 

See what I'm saying? A woman holding a belief does not make it absolutely right. If you women could SEE and ACCEPT that, we'd have a lot less of these "miscommunications".

No, this is not a "we women" subject at all. If he talked about how she gave head at a party, I think any reasonable person would think that tacky and inappropriate. What is comparable is her talking about HIS technique at oral sex at a party.

That's his prerogrative to not like the empathy discussion, though he could have laughed it off to "save face," I guess, and then tell her later it made him uncomfortable. It didn't need to become a "blow-up" fight. It wasn't THAT offensive, but he has every right to not like it, and he could reasonably tell her so.

Basically, it sounds as though you two aren't in the same place right now. Discuss this with her, and if she still pushes for more than you are ready for, you might have to end it. She may be a great woman, but ultimately, it's compatibility and concurrent life goals that matter here, I think. Good luck!

There is no shame in dropping a class and retaking it. If that's what you need to do, then do it. Next time make sure you take advantage of the tutors to help you out.

I had a good friend who was majoring in mathematics, and HE was having hard time in Calc II. Don't sweat it, ok? Just make sure that next time you are more prepared and take full advantage of the tutoring options at your school.

Good luck!

How would you feel if in front of his and your friends, he said something like "oh yeah, MissTee gives the GREATEST head, she does this little thing with her tongue and its so sexy when she swallows.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is comparable. His talking about how she performs a sexual act is the same as her talking about his PMS empathy? Perhaps you're right and he did feel "emasculated" by her comment, but I think most people would think it's sweet, as, I assume, does the OP. I think he'd only feel emasculated if he's insecure; if he was secure, he'd make a joke about it himself, and that would be that. Just my opinion.

Just wanted to say that you aren't always aware of when you get wet. It's not always something you can "feel."

BTW, the "burning sensation" in your clit is the blood rushing through there as you get aroused, so take that as a positive sign. The more often that happens, the less it will feel like it's burning.

My boyfriend says he's only been twice in his life -- once for his 18th birthday and another time at the behest of a friend.

He said that both times seemed like a huge waste of money. But then he has a thing about women pretending to be attracted to him.

It probably goes without saying that my relationship with him did not work out. Yep, in fact, it ended quite badly, especially on my end.

BTW, I didn't know the whole story about the supposed girlfriend until I was involved with him. When we were first getting to know one another is when he told me he lost the love of his life in a car accident. The other little but important details came out later.

This might be slightly off-topic but.... I've always wondered about this with one of my exes.

I learned fairly early on, when we were just friends, that he had a girlfriend who tragically died in a car accident. (I'll call her K.) He said he had a hard time getting over losing her, and I was right there with him, sympathizing, etc. I went with him one time to a party at one of her close friend's houses, and it was a little weird. He told me that they never truly accepted him as one of their own, as K's boyfriend.

Later, little details about his relationship with her leaked out. One, I found out they'd only had sex once. Okay, fair enough. Then Two, found out he'd met her in South America on a walking tour, and they had three wonderful days together (which is when they had sex). After that, they went back to their respective countries and spent about two months or so exchanging emails and occasionally calling one another. Then the car accident happened.

Very tragic. But... he said she was this huge love of his life. He was offended when one of her friends questioned his love for her when he suddenly showed up in the US, grieving along with them.

I tried very hard not to be judgmental when the pieces came together, but I couldn't help wonder.. They met and spent only three days together... then communicated mainly through email and an occasional phone call. And she was the big love of his life?

I remember thinking but... he doesn't know what she looks like in the morning; he doesn't know when she brushes her teeth; he doesn't know what she has for breakfast or what makes her fall asleep at night -- quiet? music? a back rub? He doesn't know if her brow furrows when she's angry, or even if she sneaks out for a quiet smoke when she's upset.

How, I wondered, could he claim that he was madly in love with this girl, and it took a year or so for him to "heal" about losing her?

Don't get me wrong -- I am not a callous person, and I can understand his being upset at her loss... of course! BUT, I always doubted that they were "in love" but would never, ever say this to him. To this day he says she was his soul mate and they loved each other.

Maybe they did; I don't know. Maybe it truly was love at first sight -- I can't judge. But Batya's question made me think about that, and how I wondered if his professed love was real or something created in his mind, especially after she died so tragically.

Sorry if this is wildly off topic, but it reminded me of how that situation truly made me think about how you know -- how you love -- another person.

Thanks, guys. Maybe I will ask him about it, but I didn't want to come off as the jealous girlfriend and I certainly didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

I'm starting to think it's what some of you said -- it could be an ego thing.

Let me say that I do trust him -- I don't think he's calling any of these people behind my back or anything. I just had to wonder -- why keep them? I delete people out of my phone if I've had no contact with them for about a year and don't have a driving need to contact them again.

Hey Anna,

Glad to see back. Good luck and stay strong. There is someone out there who is better for you and will treat you right!

Maybe I’m being silly, but this is starting to bother me… My boyfriend of a year has the numbers of exes and former hook-ups saved on his phone.

Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if these were exes he had always stayed in touch with before me, but they’re not. He has no reason that I can discern to have them in there. He also has a co-worker with whom he had a minor fling but never friends (he doesn’t work there anymore) there and another co-worker he had a major crush on for a very long time, but she didn’t feel the same way. He hasn’t worked at that place for almost a year, but he still keeps both their numbers and has no real reason to keep them that I know of. (He quit working there about a month after we started dating.)

The one number that bothers me the most belongs to an ex that got back in touch with him about two months after we started dating. He didn’t have her number, but she called him out of the blue and left a message. He told me about it because he listened to the message while I was there. I didn’t think that much of it at the time, but then a few days later, we were having a few glasses of wine, and she came up. He told me he called her back, and he thought it was “weird”; that it sounded like some sort of “booty call.”

“How so?” I asked.

He said that she said she was going to be in town and wanted to know if he wanted to meet up. He told her that was cool, it would be nice to catch up. He stayed vague on the details (probably to spare me), but apparently he said he had a girlfriend, and she said, “Well, she doesn’t have to know.” According to him, he said, “I’m not going to lie to my girlfriend!” After that, she dropped the subject and they chatted about other stuff.

He then asked me if I would like to go with him to meet up with her since she was going to be in town. I told him a) I did not feel comfortable with him meeting up with her because it sounded like she didn’t respect our relationship. (She called him up for a booty call and then told him to LIE to me??) and b) I didn’t want to go with him because then I would feel as though I were his chaperone or something. I said he could meet with her, I am not going to tell him what to do, but yes, I was uncomfortable with it. He agreed and said she didn’t respect our relationship and he wouldn’t be meeting up with her.

But, he kept her phone number in addition to adding her as a friend on his Myspace. (He has at least two other exes, a hook-up, and the co-worker he had a crush on as Myspace friends, too. God, I hate Myspace sometimes.)

But, Dawn, you say, maybe he just kept those numbers in his phone, being too lazy to delete them. That would be all fine and good if he hadn’t gotten a NEW PHONE about six months into our relationship, and MANUALLY transferred all those numbers into his new phone! Including the girl who called him up for a “booty call” while he was with me!

I’ve tried to be cool about this, and I don’t snoop into his phone. But the other day, he was going through his phone contacts and said aloud, “I need to delete some people from here” and did so. Then, when he wasn’t looking, I broke down and looked to see if he had deleted any of his exes and hook-ups. Nope. They were still there. Apparently, though he never talks to them (I think?), they needed to stay.

What is that about? Are they back up or something? Am I being weird for not liking this?

Sorry, Batya, are you talking to me or the OP?

Lily04 said:

(1) Guys with a lot of confidence; smooth-talking, try to make it seem like they're hot sh*t.

(2) not so considerate of your feelings/apprehensions

(3) moving too fast, especially suggesting meeting at his place after you just met, and already maknig sexual comments.

(4) not being eager to return calls or call you.

(5) explicitly say he's dating other people, adn can't meet because he has to meet up with friends, etc. (this on its own isn't necessarily a red flag that he's a player, but in combination with other things..)

(6) He's not looking for anything "long-term", just looking for something not-complicated, short-term, that type of thing.

Whoah... this post seriously made me think. My guy is guilty of several of the above.

We'd met a few times through friends before our first date. He finally asked me out, but on the first date he seemed really overconfident to me, to the point that I was a bit uncomfortable. I kissed him, but then he gave me this big speech about how he had some f'ed up relationship a year and a half before, so he wasn't really looking for another relationship. I told him I empathized, and we talked about that and other stuff (politics, literature, etc) but then he asked me (straight up!) if I wanted to have sex. I said no.

He didn't even call me again until five days later -- I was actually surprised to hear from him -- and it was to ask me to get together with him THAT NIGHT. I said sorry, I have class, can't meet up. We agreed to meet up after our friends' get-together later that week. And, well, I let him come back with me to my place, and we had sex -- but I was not invested in it and prepared not to hear from him again. I DID think he might be a player.

Then I went to Europe for Spring Break, and he wrote me the most sappy email about "us" and where this was going.... I ignored it and wrote him back about my adventures overseas. When I got back, he was all about making things exclusive, though I had not been thinking like that. But, I agreed.

And this is where we are. Does he show signs of a "player"? Probably. I have been cautious. For once, it seems like the guy is more into me than I am into him!

BUT! He shows these signs of being a "player"! Am I being stupid to agreeing to a "relationship" with him? HE brought it up, not me!

Thanks for any advice.

Ilse,

Perhaps I should make a thread about this in Sex & Romance, LOL. I'm basing this on personal experience ONLY, but I've noticed that women get insecure and feel that they can't live up to some "ideal" when their man watches porn; on the flipside, I have also noted that men become insecure and feel that they can't live up to an ideal when their woman has a good sex toy (see: the Rabbit).

Perhaps this just goes back to how men and women operate, eh? Visual vs touch? I don't know!

But I do know that when either of these things (porn or sex toys) interferes with a couples' sex life, there is a problem.

What a sad story. I truly feel for you.

However, I strongly suggest that you get a paternity test. The morning-after pill does not have a 100% success rate, and, for whatever reason, you expressed that you might not have a good fertility rate. Plus, you know she has lied to you before, so you cannot trust her and whatever she says. How do you even know that she really took a morning-after pill??

I'm sorry, you may not want to hear this, but I don't think you can ever trust her again. Just because you guys had a fight, that does not justify deliberately going to a bar and getting drunk with a guy she called up and having sex with him. It doesn't sound as though she has much respect for you or your relationship, and, if I were you, I would leave and find someone else more compatible who did NOT lie.

Also, please, insist on a paternity test!

I know this isn't much help or what you're looking for... it's merely my opinion.

Good luck!

Well, I relate the use of sex toys for women in the same way as porn for men. If a partner is indulging in either of these to the extent that it interferes with their relationship, it's a problem.

Do you feel that her use of a sex toy is interfering in your relationship?

I have to admit, I have not read all your posts, and from this discussion in this thread, it sounds like there is more going on here, but I thought I'd just throw that out there.