VerySadToday

Thanks everyone for your replies. It helps so much to talk to someone about how bad I am feeling.' I have thought about the single parent thing, but I don't have enough money to support a child on my own. I don't have any family living anywhere near me, so it would be really hard on the child. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I had never met him. 20+ years without being in love so I never developed the hope of having kids. Then, I met him and we made all these plans and dreams. I guess the whole idea of me having kids was just a big joke that life was playing on me. Some of the threads talk about you never getting over an ex until you fall in love again. That terrifies me since it took so many years to find someone that I was able to love. Is falling in love again the only cure? I think with my track record of 20+ years without being in love, it is more realistic to plan that the rest of my future will be by myself. I have been single at times for 3 years at a time. Each time, I decided to stop being single to pretend to be in love in hopes that I would fall in love. But, doing that was sickening, especially the touching and intimacy. This post makes some sense to me I think the only hope for someone like me is to try to make my life as a single person as happy as I can. If falling in love again is the only cure as some threads say, then I am doomed. But, I have never been dumped until now, so I don't know if it is the case that once you have experienced love, you will always always wish you could feel that way again.

My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We were in the process of buying a house to prepare to get married and start a family. He has decided that he thinks he can "probably find a wife who is a better match for him." I think that sounds pretty final so I don't see a point of contacting him ever again. I am completely heartbroken. It has been 4 weeks and every day I am getting worse. Today, I started throwing away the baby toys that we had bought together. I am 40 and if I ever recover from this heartbreak, I will probably be too old to have kids. I am crying a lot over that. He and I were together for 2 years and those were the only 2 happy years of my 40 years of life. I had 3 long-term relationships before that but in each, I just pretended to be in love to get a break from years of being single. In each of the 3 fake relationships, I convinced myself that you can fall in love if you act like you are in love. Apparently, I can't even do that right. I dated many guys from ages 15-25. Under pressure from family, I picked one of the guys and forced myself into a loveless relationship for 2 years so that I could say that I had a boyfriend. After that, I was single for 3 years, not dating at all. I then dated about 125 guys for about 4 years. I got tired of being alone, so I pretended to feel love, so that I could have a boyfriend for a year. Then, I didn't date for 2 years and then dated 75 guys, picking one to pretend to love. If it took me sooooo many years to finally actually find one person to feel love for. What if it takes me as many or even more years to find another one? I will probably be dead by then. Or do I go back to pretending to feel love so that I can have a boyfriend? It is sickening to touch and be intimate when you don't feel anything for the person. I would rather die than go on this way. From the time that I was 15-40, I have spent 23 years alone or pretending to be in love so that I could have a relationship. The only person that I ever was able to feel love for doesn't want me. What do I have to look forward to in life? PS: The No Contact thing is very helpful. If I had to keep remembering how nice things were with him, it would be so much harder to deal with the reality that "moving on" will likely be 20+ years of being alone or pretending to be in love. It is easier to try to forget the good times and face going back to the bleakness without seeing the comparision to the happy life thrown in front of me. I must forget about that type of happiness and learn to re-accept that relationships are where you fake being in love. I don't want to remember how good intimacy was when you care about the person. It is better to just forget so that you can be strong and mentally prepared for intimacy when it makes you sick to be touched by someone you can't stand.