hello, i am currently almost crying
i am feeling miserable right now.
about 2 years ago i met this girl that was so attractive to me, as a person, and physically also, but she's not your average blond, she's got curly hair and gypsy eyes. soon she became my best friend. we have lots of great covnersation. so i looked at her with respect, she wasn't the kind of girl to go partying in the weekend and getting drunk and letting evryone touch her. she shared interests with me, we like similar kinds of music, movies, thoughts.
well, about in may, 2 years ago, i declared to her. she said she didn't know, she had to make up her mind. but she evaded the subject and that was that. i remember in my birthday party we kissed in my room. it was heaven. then she called the next day saying she felt guilty cause she might hurt my feelings because she doesn't like me like i did. but several months after, a friend of hers told me she enjoyed the kiss, and that she liked me. i remember, at school, there was this other girl who forced her to show her feelings, she got really jealous, and disliked this girl who was flirting with me.
one day we had to make a project for math class in pairs, and we decided to be together. i went to her house to do the homework, but i saw she had a different look on her face, i could see she liked me. sh even made some food for me, which she never does for anyone. so we were in the computer searching for material and she lowers her head in the desk, in sign of tiredness, and i start to scratch her head nicely, then i stopped doing it, and she asked for more, but i left it there. so then we watched tv, and we talked several subjects, and she really payed attention to my answers, like never before. all this little facts raised my hopes up, so a year ago i told her again i liked her. she once more retreated, saying something about i didn't deserve her, something like that.
well, now we are all on holidays, and i got really preocuppied about her meeting someone and becoming her boyfriend. the thought frightened me. about two days ago i learned from a friend of hers, that she is dating, about the time of new year until now. and guess what, they have been having sex together. i felt devastated. i couldn't imagine the scene. it was so odd, but yet believable... i really thought this girl was smart and respected herself, not going out with stupid guys, but sadly she is behaving like an anyone. i am so saddened, you don't imagine,. maybe the ones who appear less harmful are the worse.
plus this, she gets along really bad with her mother, who is divorced, but married another man who lives in the house, who she obviously doesn't respect. her mother has got depression and has to take pills, one time she almost committed suicide. also, her sister smokes pot quite often. do you think this background could've affected her persona? i am quite sure she likes me as a friend and nothing more because i'm no party boy, who gets drunk every weekend. i am a guy with good feelings, i had very good intentions with her, and plans as well, but it has all gome to shambles. why do i, who have always respected her, treated her nicely, served her whenever she needed, get this? i think maybe she likes to being thrown around thna treated nicely, there's lots of girls in this category. the guys who give them more problems are the guys they like. anyways, back to the story.
she was hiding this boyfriend from the public, maybe her best friends knew about it. but she presented him in her 17th birthday this year, he looked like a normal guy, but i didn't care about this. i think what really was a kick in the stomach was the image of seeing them both holding hands. i felt like i wanted to leave the house, but my friends were around, i couldn't make a scene like that, nor cry. so we have a group conversation and they look at each other, french kiss and all. i felt miserable, the rest fo the people knew exactly how i felt and looked at me with sadness. i can now assure she doesn't care about me, she didn't bother in kissing him in front of me. guys, i am so down right now, i am currently with self-esteem 0%. story's not over yet.
i couldn't get the thought of my head in about a month. i always imagined them naked having sex. that image hit me like nothing. i wanted to switch places with this guy. i wanted to be her first, but now it's all gone. she had her first sex experience with this guy. oh, how i wish i was the one to do it. so that she remembered in older ages. at breaktime i sorta managed to raise an ear, and listen to her speaking to her friends about how good this guy was at bed, and that she had a big tool. they seemed to fit within each other. i was the leftover. my sex life is none right now. the only thing that could get me out of this misery could be meeting a girl who would care for me. i can't get through my head that this girl could reflect such a nice image of herself and now i know this. well the story continues..
days ago she got pregnant. that's right. as you read it. the only one who knew were her mother, the byofriend and her best friend. but i could see her in class and she had this real preocuppied grin on her face. i had my suspections, and i was certain it was that. after finishing math class, i told her i already knew. she got all nervous and asked what did i knew. about your pregnance i told her. this was risk i tell you, it could have been wrong and she'd not talk to me anymore. but she kept a shocked face. after a while she asked how did i knew, who had told me? i said i guessed. now guess what, she is having an abortion, encouraged by her mother. no one will ever know, it's something that is secret between her, her mother, boyfriend and friend. she started crying on me, so i lend my shoulder.
now comes my question:
should i help her out or tell her i don't wanna know about it?
i've noticed, she only talks to me when she needs something, never offers nothing, as i could do right now by helping her. what do you guys think, will this girl drastically change, or will she always be the girl who likes being toyed around, treated badly, and also keep on sleeping with whoever crosses the street?
the thing that most hurt me is, (completely serious), the image of her having sex with him, and she enjoying herself, letting his penis inside her, and even getting pregnant, getting semen on her uterus. it disturbs me so much, it's like if now my girl is used, and i view her as spoilt, but i still think of her and like her. i'm afraid all of this has made our friend relationship almost none, as i tried to distance myself as much i could so i don't go thinking stuff again.
whole classes in school thinking about this, not paying attention to the subject. this is taking a high toll. i need to get this girl out of my head right now. i need somehow to change my vision of her and seeing her as another person, not a special one. i need this, please help. i am becoming obsessed with the thoughts.
well if you reached this point i honestly thank you for reading a story from a complete stranger. any comments you want to add are all welcome. thanks.
