stargazer3

Yes I know it's long and I am sorry in advance. I really need advice so please take the time to read. Thanks. This is the way it went: I saw her (B) at a group meeting. Liked her and wanted to know what she was about. I had some prior obligations so I could not talk to her right then and there. After I went home that night I thought of how I would be able to get in touch with her. Somehow I got my hands on her email id. I sent her an email two days later. She claimed not to rber who I was but was interested in meeting up with me. I agreed. We set a date for that weekend and met up. I picked her up at her place and we decided to go to dinner. We talked, laughed and generally had a good time. At night I dropped her to her place and said good night. That night after I went home I sent her an email telling her I had had a good time and was looking forward to the next time we hung out. After the initial meeting up, it was easier to talk to each other. We hung out again very soon after that. The second night we hung out I liked being with her. The general feel of seeing her and getting to know her, being in her company felt nice. I went home that night and wrote her telling her how badly I could not stop thinking about kissing her while sitting with her that night. The next night we hung out I asked her directly what it is we were doing? I told her I wanted to get to know her with intent to date her and wanted to know if she was on the same page. She gave me this whole explanation about how she wasnt at a place in her life at that moment where she was looking to get into a relationship and she basically wanted to concentrate on other things such as her career. I explained to her that I too was going thru a very career kinda phase and we could share that with each other. She wouldn't budge. She didn't want to be in a relationship and that was it. The rejection angered me but, at the same time I understood where she was coming from and decided to back off. Around that time an old friend/and then some had gotten in contact with me. I met the abovementioned girl on the 12th and this oldie had creeped out of the woodworks on the 3rd. She had asked me to come down to visit her. Said she had alot of things to say to me which she had never said and she wanted to get it off her chest. I was apprehensive at first. It was a closed chapter I wanted to keep that way. But she persisted and I gave in. The way she put it: "What have you got to lose??" So, I made plans to meet up with her on the 28th. The ticket to see her was booked by the 10th. On the 12th I met B. After B had rejected me and said she was interested in just being friends I stopped calling her. I figured since we were friends, when she wanted to hang out she would call me. At some point during our friendship I told her the story about this old friend and how I was going to visit her on the 28th. Anyhow, after the third time she called me on the 27th. The night before I was leaving to ask me to come pick her up. She said she was at a restaurant with some guy who was harassing her and wanted me to come get her. She said she wanted to see me. She sounded intoxicated. Out of a protective instinct I went. Lugged myself 45 mins out there to pick her up only to find out she had been only two blocks from her house and would have made it there fine. That night she kissed me. At first the kissing was nice, a little aggressive but nice. And since I liked her already I was okay with it. But then the slight aggression turned to borderline violence - biting, slapping, pinching. I pulled up to her driveway and asked her to go upstairs telling her she had had too much to drink and was being inappropriate. She put my car in drive while I was standing there and told me to drive back. That she wasnt done yet. Everytime I tried to get her out of the car - she got more aggressive and more dominant. - MISTAKE 1 - I should have been more stern and led her up to her place by the hand - the only thing that was stopping me was the fact that she would have looked like an * * * in front of her doorman. That night I came home and wrote her an email telling her there was no way I could be with her. After the * * * * she had pulled I was not interested. I told her we might be able to be friends but that I don't like to play it like that. The next day I got on the plane and went to visit my friend. I ended up staying with the friend for about a week. I left on the 28th and came back the 4th. While I was at my friend's place B would not stop calling me. It seemed as though she felt bad for what she had done but she never actually apologized for doing it. When she would call me she would keep badgering me as to whether or not I had slept with my friend. She knew that friend liked me and that there had been a point that I had liked her (five years ago). So, she kept playing on that and asking me if I had * * * *ed her yet. One day, I was really pissed off at all the badgering and I said yes, I had. At that point it did not matter what I was doing with anyone else as I was not technically with anyone. And although she had kissed me I was not happy with the way things had gone and was under no obligations. Anyway, the trip ended and I came back home. During the trip many things had happened with my old friend. She confessed her undying love for me, tried to kiss me (which I rejected), took my hand and put it in her shirt when I was drunk at which point my hand kinda wandered but once I realized what was going on I pulled back. Not that I owed anyone any answers at the time but that is what truly happened. She spent that night cleaning up my vomit off the carpet cuz I had drank so much. But all in all at the end of the situation nothing had happened for two main reasons - 1) she was married and 2) i was not into her. I had stopped being friends with her five years prior cuz I hated her. Nothing had changed. The only thing that caused a slight altercation in my reaction to her was that she had gone from being a lion to being a mouse. Apparently she wasn't doing too well. She was under medical care for complications which she did not want to discuss with me and she was seeking therapy for anxiety disorder and living in a reality only she knew to exist. I saw it while I was there. She had fabricated a whole story up to one of her closest friends about me and her and how we had an on-going romance and we had been intimate in the past - none of which had ever happened. Her friend only came to know the truth once she confronted me with it. During the trip my friend's mother came upto me and told me this was the happiest and most normal she had seen her daughter in a very long time and she hoped I was here to stay. This same woman had, on many occasions in my past, when my life wasn't being good to me, stood up for me, supported me, offered me her house to live in and money to pay for my college tuition. The obligatory part of me felt like the least I could do to repay my debt to her mother was try to be there for her daughter and help her thru her hard times. After a week of my being back B and I met up again. This time we hit it off. Things went smooth and she seemed like that person I had hung out with in the beginning again. I took an instant liking to her again. I decided to give it another shot. We got intimate right away. We ended up making love all week long. On saturday there was a lesbian thing taking place. She asked me if I wanted to go with her. I told her I didn't want to go and that she could go on her own and have a good time. She was going thru some personal issues and I thought it would do her some good to get outta the house and have a change of atmosphere. She went. I found out two days later that she had hooked up with another woman who had driven her home that night. I asked her about it the next day. Asked her if she had met anyone. She denied it all. We went out to dinner and she told me how she was seeing other people. I accepted it. That week I decided to go back to visit my friend. It was her son's bday. I wanted to surprise him. As it was, B was living her life, seeing another woman and lying about it. I could do what I wanted. That weekend I left. I told B I was going to a conference and left. Since she wasn't being honest to me I didnt think she deserved my honesty. So, I left it at that. B went on doing her own thing with the other woman. Eventually, I backed out of my friend's life. I realized that it was a place I didnt want to be. No matter what G was doing to me, I was in love with her and wanted to be true to that. Even though my friend and I had nothing going on, just the fact that she required so much of my attention due to her condition - I decided not to do it. She continued trying to pursue me and still does. Sometime in the second month before B admitted to seeing the other woman I found out who she was and went down to see what she looked like. I drove to where she lived. But I couldn't see her and came back. I sent B an email pretending to be another woman, to see if she would respond and how she would respond. I did all of these things out of insecurity. I was afraid she was * * * *ing with me and would eventually leave me for the other woman when she had had her fill. All of my mistakes I eventually admitted to her, I told her I had never slept with my friend very early on, I told her I had lied to her about the conference about two weeks after it happened. I told her I had gone to see what her other girlfriend looks like. I told her I had sent her that email pretending to be someone else. About four months into the whole thing her other gf found out about me from someone I had spoken to about my problems with B. My friend, X, who I had confided in basically went up to the other woman and confronted her asking her why she was chasing after a woman who was already in a relationship with someone else. When the other woman found that out she was livid. She was being painted as the villian when in actuality she had no idea any of this was going on. She wanted to meet up with me. Friend X saw me online and told me as much. I told her to tell the other woman to give me a call. We spoke and she asked to meet up. At first I said yes. I, too, was livid. She told me intimate details about her and B's relationship - making it seem a helluva lot more than what she had expressed to me. But then when I met with B I decided none of it mattered. I called the other woman back and told her I didn't want to meet her. She begged with me and said it was a matter of her sanity. She just needed to see me and then I was free to leave. I felt bad for her. I knew how she felt. I had been there not two months before. I went. The fact that I had gone to see her other gf drove B insane. B continued to see the other woman well into three months of our relationship. She kept in contact with her all the way into five months of our relationship. When we broke up for the first time she went running back into her other girlfriend's arms. Then we got back together again and that woman was gone. Eventually I left town and went away. I stopped calling my old friend one month after I met B. She finally got the hint and stopped calling me 3-4 months later. She no longer calls me. Til this day, nine months later, B - who is still my gf, who I am 125% faithful to - is still giving me crap about my friend accusing me of sleeping with her, about the email I wrote her, about the fact that I went to see her other gf, that I met up with her, that I talked to someone else about our problems, that I lied to her. - All of this is true - All of which I have apologized for on numerous occasions. Nine months later she still finds it in herself to scream and yell about it at least once a week - put me down, call me names, talk down to me and totally disrespect me. The problem with all of this - I am in love with her. When she isn't creating a fuss about this everything in our lives is storybook perfect. I am so confused as to what to do with all this. I believe love is forgiveness. I do not hold her relationship with the other woman against her. I see it like we both did each other wrong. The technicalities of which are irrelevant now. I believe if you love someone you forgive and move on and give it a shot and if not you walk away. I dont understand how she is choosing to deal with this. Stay and give me crap like she hasn't done anything wrong. And although I am over it everytime she accuses me of this * * * * I bring up the * * * * she has done in an attempt to make her understand that she isn't blame free. But it never works. She takes no responsibility and instead blames me for her mistakes. I cannot stand the crap she gives me and I don't know how to break the cycle. I am open to all comments and suggestions, analyses and what have you. Feel free to put in your two bits. I need all the clarity I can get. ](*,) Is there hope??