turmoil

well addressing those issues, posting here and just taking the plunge and looking at hoosexual porn and so on did me the WORLD of good. I no longer have any serious problems. Of course I have problems but being able to see these things for what they are helps a lot. Well, I'm 100% not gay and I'm pretty confident saying I'm not bisexual either Woreking backwards to find the root off all these problems was the best thing I did. Dont why I didnt just look for this forum a a couple of years ago! Thanks all!

looked once more incase it was just a one off last time (one off?? same story anytime i ever do this!) men: nothing women: aroused men again; not aroused anymore. Now, I'm moving on. Forums like this are fantasic! I almost had the idea to leave my wife. Because I felt like she should find someone else and that i could very well be gay. That would have been the BIGGEST mistake of my life! Thanks again all!

When I looked at gay porn all those times and today I was thinking if my problems are truly about my sexuality then looking at those pictures would give me an undeniable feeling. Like when I was 13 and first got a porn VHS or magazine. That if my problems were just my sexuality then seeing those pictures would just provoke a reaction, if I wanted it or not. same goes for my dreams. That if I was gay then SURLY my erotic dreams would be about men and NOT women! Ok, dreams dont always count for much, but hell, girls dream about men, men dream about women. Gay men dream about men and gay women dream about women. but as of now. I'm done with worrying. Time to get it ll under control and back to living!

Thanks for that! All the advice really made me feel like I gotta just get over myself and get help for whatever problems I have. Also showed me how ridculous my fears are. I couldnt even live with my male friends! LOL! But theres just not a chance in hell I could have that type of a relationship with a man. Even at the height of my fears, when I was around men, theres nothing even remotely like that there. I would convince myself later that it was because they werent my "type" of men maybe. Its just a vicious circle. But now, Im just moving on. This is getting to the point of ridculous. I realise that your sexuality is already imprinted before you are even born, its just who you are and its nothing that can change. turning gay isnt possible, de-gaying someone isnt possible. You cant change anything like that. I didnt have any issues with my sexuality until I thought I was impotent (and liek i said, still having sex up to 6 times a day with my wife). Again, that was another OCD, thinking I was impotent, walking around with my hand in my pocket trying to get erect to prove i wasnt impotent. Its just time for me to stop all this nonsense and get back in control!

well I decided to take it all head on and also assure myself in one final attempt. I had a smoke and relaxed and just told myself if im gay im gay, just need to know. So I went online and looked at pictures of naked men, then naked women and then naked men again. Totally calm, looked at men. Nothing. No reaction. Before I would have had the normal male hetro reaction but thesedays Ive thought about it and looked at it all so much I just have a nothing reaction. its a naked man. ok. then the women. after a couple of seconds (even with all this in myhead the way it is), I was erect and aroused. then the men again: lost my erection and arousal. this isnt anything new. I've been going through this cycle on and off for the last three years. But now with all you guys have told me about OCD and what I have read about it online today, I felt like I just needed to show myself once more. Now I am going to find some help and in the mean time I want to follow my wifes advice of everytime I start to think like that just say to myself: "No! Im not going on with this" and think about something else. I want to focus on what means most to me: my wife and child. Want to focus on the GOOD things instead of letting a fear and worry that has no basis in reality control my life and destroy my marriage.

Hi all again! After reading the replies I had here I started to search for information about OCD and Homosexual related OCD. Seems to be a very common disorder but nevertheless very cloudy. I was thinking while reading the replies "OCD seems like a bad excuse to delay realising I am gay". But fter reading these articles and essays I can say its all me 200%. I stopped going out with friends, stopped talking to people I knew for years incase there was "something there", holding my pen a particular way would send a nervous shiver down my spine if I thought I held it too femine. It was all insane. I've figured that You cannot just turn gay. Until I had these sexual problems (which btw, was also insane: thinking I was impotent for some years while having sex with my wife 6 times a day!), I didt have the slightest doubt. I was very secure in my hetrosexuality. In fact it wasnt ever even an issue. Thank you all so much! Theres a long road ahead but I feel like I have gotten at least SOME control over this now. I understand what it is and what needs to be done.

Thanks for all your replies! Today I am starting to look for some professional help with all this. I mean, if I'm gay I want to know for sure, and if I'm not I just want to deal with my problems and move on with my life. This takes up a lot of time. My teeth were a big problem for a very long time, much in the same vein but I've managed to control that one. The guy who asked about my wife. Yes, I do love her of course. I love her in everyway possible, love having sex with her, love to be with her. Shes fantasic. But the problem with her is the same with the gay porn online: I'll look at the gay porn and have no reaction. I'll be fine for a couple of hours and then think "I didnt have a reaction because I didnt let myself, or I was too scared, or I didnt look long enough", so I'll have to go back and look again and so it goes on. With my wife its the same I do love her and when I'm not like this alls fine, but as it is at this moment I start to think "am I just pretending I love her? I am forcing myself to like sex with her?". Its so hard because I just dont know whats REAL. Also it can happen like...I can say to myself (liek this is an example of last night) "if I'm gay how come all my sex fantasises have been about women, how come I never had male ones, never had fantasites about a penis in me". Then of course I start to think about it...it just goes on and on like that. And in the end, I dont even trust my own judgement any longer. I spoke to my wife again last night, she has basically told me to stop going on and on about it. I'm posioning my own well and she told me I MUST get some help. My problem isnt being gay, I have a lot of problems that need fixing. She is going to come along with me. Its hard to pose questions to myself like: " do I love my wife romantically" because I dont trust my own answers anymore. I've been through it all (when I am not feeling like this (can go years of that) then these things arent even an issue), but I've done it: "If I'm gay how come I havent met a man in 30 years?" "If I'm gay how come I havent been attracted to a man yet?" "If I'm gay how come I always was attarcted to women?" "If I'm gay how come my fantasies have been about women?" "If I'm gay how come I dream about women and not men?" "If I'm gay how come I dont associate the word "sexy" with men?" "If I'm gay how come I love the female body so much? can say excatly whats hot on a female and not on a man?" "If I'm gay how come I prefer having sex with a vagina than anal sex?" "If I'm gay how come it only dawned on me after someone else said it in my mid 20s and I wasnt gay before?" and on and on... but I have answers to all them questions like, maybe I just didnt allow myself to be attarcted to men, maybe I didnt notice, maybe I made myself be attracted to women and so on. My father and brother also make me nervous thesedays I just feel really down about this. Its just controlling my whole life. the most worrying part is that it feels like my interest in women in general has diminished greatly. Its not what it used to be at all! I mean even women in TV for example that I grew up being so attracted to and fantasising about just doesnt have the same appeal as before. But when I talk to my wife and she tells me things she will do to be I get really turned on! Its so confusing. She is SO beautiful you couldnt believe and theres nothing I like more than watching her take off her jeans before she goes to bed...the way she moves them down herself. or just lying in bed stroking her, that curve between her a** and back, or her stomach...I mean, I dont even know if I just MAKE myself like that...this is really starting to get me down!

I hope you can bare with me while I post my topic since it may turn out to be quite lenghty! I am in a state of confusion on and off for the last 4 years of my life concerning my sexuality! I just do not know where I stand. I am almost 30 years old, married with a family. I think prehaps I should start at the beginning of my problems: about 8 years ago I met a girl online and it was all about sex, cyber sex of course eventually after some months we decided to meet and put it all into action. Well it was very built up, the whole thing, with a lot of expectations. But I was watching TV one night and a comedy with Douglas Moore. He is unable to "get it up" durning sex and suddenly, that really sent a cold shiver down my spine. I never had sexual problems before that. Ever. But that really hit me. Something that was suppossed to be funny, but to me was almost like a relavation. I obsessed about this so much for months. I would (excuse me here) walk around with my hand in my pocket trying to make myself hard to prove that I was ok. It was an agonising time and of course eventually when I met the girl, it was hard for me to "stay focused". After sometime that all went away and I didnt have much problems in that department. About 6 years ago I met my present wife. I fell in love with her almost immediately and we dated for a couple of weeks before having sex. Needless to say my old fears caming rushing back to the point where I didnt even want to have sex incase it "wouldnt work". After about three weeks we had sex and all was fine, but I still had times when it was hard to get turned on and aroused. I just couldnt stop obsessing about the whole thing. I didnt want to talk to her about it. She didnt seem to notice anything was wrong. It got to the point that when i was erect I was scared stif to move incase I lost it. I was worried because after I ejaculated I couldnt go on. when I was younger I could. About a month later, a friend slagged me off and called me a "fag". Not homophobic or anything. But that really hit me again. I just started to obsess about it. Stare at men and wonder if there was anything there, think about gay sexual situations and wonder if there was something there, try to picture things and so on. Until all that there wasnt anything like this in my past, I just didnt even think about it. I considered myself totally hetrosexual. Eventually it all got too much and I talked to my wife about it. She was so understanding and helpful. She compared my obsessiveness about my for example: teeth to this with "turning gay". Reading up, finding out, checking 200 times a day, thinking about it all day. She is no doctor but she said its very possible I have "obsessive complusive disorder". That it all fits. I sat down and surfed on homosexual porn sites. Nothing happened (except I find it pretty funny or really need to pee). I had no reaction to it. I dont find any men attractive. I have not and ever been in love with a man. I figured I can lie to my brain but my subconscious I cant, 99% of my erotic dreams are of women, I think I could count my gay erotic dreams on one hand and still have enough fingers left over for my coffee cup. I had no reaction to anything gay, sexual or otherwise. Nothing whatsoever. But the obsessiveness of all this has made me so afraid of sex period! Its hard for me. I can go two years or more not even thinking about these obsessions and when they're gone, alls fine. Its the not knowing is the worrying factor. If I'm gay then I want to know and deal with it. If not, then I want full control of my life again and enjoy myself! I'm tired of worrying so much. Not just about gay but my teeth, health, and other things. It got so bad at one point with the homosexual thing, I couldnt even lift up my young son without worrying I was getting aroused. Or look at my brother after he came out of the shower with a towel around him. It was insane. I started to wonder am I just stopping myself from being attracted to men, forcing myself to enjoy sex with my wife. lying to myself that I'm in love with my wife. so much so, I just dont know whats real or not anymore. I just dont know.