Ringop

@Batya33

I don't know what to do that.

The lack of an answer is killing me inside

But at the moment I am building up "knowledge" before the confrontation. Because I am between fences now:

One part is telling me she is acting like this because she wants to break up with me and I am not sure why.

The second that she is close to burnout because of the stress from work and she is keeping me out, instead of talking to me.

Always been secure.

Is not point in lying this. 

I was "on guard" at the beginning when we went on a three-week holiday together after we were dating for 2 weeks. I was thinking it might end after that, but instead it became really strong.

But clingy, needy and desperate, never.

But now I feel that, because of the situation. And I fear it will only do damage.

@MissCanuck

I am wondering because I think I was always afraid in my life to be desperate or clingy, things I am not and if I reach out, again, I am worried it might be interpreted that way instead of actually me trying to reach out.

I send her a morning text: Good morning *her name and she replied: morning babe.

I had to. I don't know if it makes me look desperate, but I am trying to be normal, not be childish and ignore each other.

@MissCanuck 

Thank you. I will try and do that.

At the moment, I am fuming on her not saying even a good morning text. And as much as I want to save this, I know what that means.

Any advices how to be tonight?

I know how to talk, I just feel that now I am really anxious and do not have a clear mind and will come out guns blazing.

We chatted a bit last night and I've sent her a video with something on Instagram and saw she didn't react on it (she does it every time) and I asked her hey did you see that video? And her reply was: I saw it. Then radio silence. Then "Thank you". It feels odd, you know? She never reacts like this.

Then this morning, nothing. No good morning message, nothing so far. And I don't want to do it, I don't want to be the one that initiates this.

I really want to tell her today that this attitude is hurting me.

An update: went on a three hour walk to decompress and when I arrived home she video called me.
She acted okish, talked about our day and I've asked her what is wrong, she looks sad and her reply was "I don't know, life in general". Asked if she is upset on me and she put on a face "why should I be?!" then went on and found a post-it I gaved her and showed it to me happily.
Tried to found out what happened and she said she doesn't feel like talking about it and I've dropped it.

So, what is happening?!

@Batya33 

Well, I think it was physical. We've met back in 2013 via a friend, then in 2021 we've seen each other again and started chatting and flirting. She was hot and cold, but we decided to do something out of the box and take a trip together via the country with the car and we really bonded, I saw she is a good human being, she is faithful, tries to make the world a better place with small things and of course, we have a lot of things in common. From music, to movies etc.

She took me home to her parents after that trip.

I think she brought out something in me: the idea to be kind and caring with someone else.

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You can't make any guesses as to why she is so socially isolated? I don't mean in reference to these specific acquaintances, but in general. Is she hard to get along with? Very shy? Do you know if she takes initiative in meeting new people or maintaining friendships?

I'm just trying to understand the bigger picture, and the deeper issues that underlie your relationship with her. 

My guess is that she doesn't take initiatives and did not maintain them.

She told me she was in different groups.

Also my guess is she was the type of girl that wanted to belong, to be relevant and she searched groups full of shady people, of people that weren't "her friends". And when years passed, those people went on their way. Most of her "friends" from that age were clubbers. Then, when she moved, her ex friends were her "friends".

A few months ago had dinner with my friends, all of them came with their gf except me. I came alone because it was super hot outside and she didn't want to come. It was an isolated incident, to be fair, but I guess this was her all the time. 

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

This. 

Some people think that the relationship is just first 6 months when passion is at max. And they equate that with "love". So afterward they just chase that feeling and dont think relationship is "it" if its not there. Sorry if that is the case OP.

I don't know if it is the case. 

Because, as mentioned, she said that to me she is missing that.

Then a few days ago asked me if I am missing that if I think the relationship is just that?

And I was like, what? No, didn't you think of that a few months ago?

@MissCanuck

I don't know. I've never told her those people are not her friends, never wanted to hurt her by saying that. She has a picture with her friends in her home. The only time they talk is when they are wishing each other happy-bday.

smackie9

I am not familiar with the signs of that, but sounds spot on. At the moment she is going 3 weeks with no therapy and will be until the middle of Sept because her therapist is on vacation. Since we've been together, I don't think her therapist helped her, even if they do it every week. But is not my place to say, or better said, I have no idea how to tell her that because I might be wrong and maybe my gf is not respecting what her therapist is telling her.

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She might have quite unrealistic expectations of the progression of a long-term relationship. 

Someone with experience would recognize that the infatuation simmers down after the initial stages, but that it (ideally) grows into something more profound and connected. Some people spend their lives chasing those new-relationship thrills though, and grow restless easily. They tend not to make great candidates for long-term partnerships. 

That may be the case, if she's complaining that the infatuation is missing. Up until a few months ago when you noticed a shift in her, were you two still enjoying each other? Going on dates? 

The thing is, she has her problems:

- She does not have friends. She has a few acquaintances that I know of and they are from other town. From time to time she is showing me a picture of some people she "calls friends" but they don't talk, no one is contacting her. I remember during Christmas, she burst into tears because those acquaintances cancelled some plans they had with us.

I am the opposite, I have a few and tried to introduce her also, even if am a fan of the "worlds colliding theory"

- She experimented in her youth, but her past is her past, just that she didn't stay put, but I have no idea if she is an "infatuation junkie".

Enjoy each other, I would say we enjoyed each other even before the trip. But when her mind goes racing I can't do anything.

EX: In the day we left, you couldn't talk with her because she was stressed, like really, really stressed because: the train had a small delay, she bought a tram ticket with a different price than the weekend, was a long way to the terminal, then a long way with check in and boarding. She was a complete mess of stress and I had no idea what to do.

Our short discussion today was her telling me she barely slept because of ... stress.

I know these things, so that is why I am so confused because I don't know what is happening.

- 

I think so, yes.

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This stands out to me a bit.

What's her relationship history like? Has she been in longer-term ones before? 

Sort of.

She had short spells from what she told me, then went to another country to be with this guy and of course she ended up spending all of her money, couldn't find a job, and eventually she came back home, lived at her parent's home then she started working here and while the money came, she became unhappy.

When we hooked up, she broke up with her ex, a dude younger with 10 years than her, after, you guessed it, a holiday trip. They've been together 6 months or close to that.

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

She doesn't seem to care that you're unsatisfied. What does she want you do, throw up your hands and say, "Oh well, it was good while it lasted. Now I have to live with this new norm."

 

I just remember something:

She asked me while I was talking about my needs: are you looking/searching for the first part of the relationship? The infatuation? 

I was ***? And I remember she mentioned she is missing the infatuation a few months back and I”ve told her that this is normal, but things are good.

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I, too, was once in a one year relationship where I cared for the man, and saw our incompatibility as far as sex and communication, yet kept clinging. He broke up with me and not until months later, with time and distance, did I realize he did me a favor. This freed me to, 9 months later, meet a man who I was 100 percent happier with.

Better to date someone you don't want to change in major ways, versus hoping for major changes in order for you to be happy.

The thing is we had sex compatibility, then it stopped when her work became a burden.

And I can go past sex, but what I need is to stay, after a long day, just chill a few minutes together without her mind racing all over and going insane.

Just now, Kwothe28 said:

Dont message her until tomorrow when you talk. Then talk to her about things. 

Also have you thought that maybe you just get that cuddling and adventurous sex because its not who she is? If she is like that from the start then its pointless to pressure about that. 

I did the stupid thing and texted her if she wants to meet tonight because work is ok for me and I can. She said: Tomorrow, please.

I replied ok and now I am going to ignore her if she is not saying anything. 

Our sex life was good, wonderful, until the project started back in march. Her libido went down, even with her playing with herself.

@Wiseman2

Sexual needs, but let's say I am flexible with that. My need is just to stay in bed/couch with her and just chill, kiss or even hug for more than a minute. She can't stay put because she is saying her mind races in different directions (this was from the start).

@Batya33

No, no work on vacation. She just got promoted and worked her ass off (during which she had my full support and thanked me for it), but a new big project is on the horizon and she is stressed about that.

I understand that, but I also understand that there is work and then there is us. 

What I want is to chill more, be just us, be intimate, but not just having sex. Things I feel are lacking, but what worries me is her attitude.

What we argued in the holiday:

- in the car she was stressed at first because we were in a foreign country and I was trying to help, but without being annoying. And she said: ok enough! - because she has some acquaintances, a couple, where he makes her feel like trash while driving. I said to her multiple times this is not the case and it will never be so please do not compare with me.

- Arrived at an accommodation and she went without even asking me if I need help with the multiple luggage and I got annoyed and told her that.

- Lived on a boat and told her I've never had sex on a boat and she ignored me and there it came the "needs discussion"

- And I started to talk about the new place for us and I felt she shruged me off, telling that not finding the new right place means pressure for her.

I think I have no problem with her wanting to end it or a break. But I can't understand the ways she acts.

It does my head in. I can't work, I can't eat, I feel sick.

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Well yes. This is a conversation that should happen in person. Not by messaging. 

How? You're her boyfriend of two years and you've noticed a significant shift in her behaviour. It's a normal question, and it's concerning that you would perceive this as "insecure." 

Have you always been this nervous about expressing yourself with her? 

No, I've always been open.

The thing is, her vibe is not good since we came back and since the last few days there our communication was bad. I feel like she is slowly ghosting me? But I don't understand why.

I am worried she said that me telling about my needs, multiple times, adds pressure to her. I didn't understand why she used this word, "pressure". I don't understand how staying in bed cuddling more than 10 seconds is "pressure".

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What's stopping you from asking her what's up?

Because her replies were two-word sentences and I think I can't get an answer from her until tomorrow when we are going to meet.

Also, I feel if I am asking that now I will come out insecure and clingy.

I am afraid she is distancing herself from the relationship and I don't understand why.

Hi everyone,

I feel my relationship is ending and I don't understand why.

Just came back from a holiday with my SO where things were not as great as I/we've hoped: the main reason, I felt that we lacked the intimacy a couple has. From sex, to just staying in bed and hugging each other.

I am not a needy person, however, I felt that in the past 6-7 months, things went slowly in that direction. There are two main reasons here: 1. My SO's work was really stressing her and consumed her and she is the type of person that brings the work problems at work 2. She gained a bit of weight (6kg). She is thin, and from this she started to feel unattractive and the mood for everything else went down. She didn't get fat, just the few small pounds "people in relationships have".

I love her, but she has her history. She is doing therapy, she was about to end her own life a long ago so I understood what I was doing when we started this (going on 2 years now). But I am worried this is something I can't solve and the more it goes on, the more frustrated I get because of the situation. Also, I am a talker, she is not. It's hard to verbally communicate with her.

PS: There is no one else involved PPS: I don't think she felt out of love with me

PPS: We are going on two years, living together, but having also our own apartments. I am 36 si will be 36 in Nov.

I love her, I want this to work, but I don't know what to do. The last two days we are not together and she is ignoring me and all of her replies are two word sentences. I don't want to be clingly and needy, but I feel like crap, can't work, can't eat, I feel I a want to cry.

Please help.