TheCrow

Alex,

I for one am actually in awe of what you've  achieved by age 30. Am not going to even go into what my life was like at that age.

As my ex-MIL used to say, let them get on with it. Live your life the way you see fit and vent away online when you feel like it. You don't owe anyone here or on any other forum anything in the slightest. Keep doing your best- that's good enough. 

19 hours ago, Morello said:

I did read everything. My opinion remains the same.

Thank you.

19 hours ago, Morello said:

I am trying to understand what the point of many experienced users here is. It seems you're all just pilling on the OP for whatever mistakes she has made. At this point, Alex has become the punching bag for people who, honestly, seem to have nothing better to do in life rather than try to destroy someone's self-esteem like that. So much hate and bile disguised as "advice".

OP has already described in detail their struggles and recognised their shortcomings. But now, all she is doing here is defending herself from the pile-on. I can't see how any of this is helpful in any way.

Thank you. 

'..And my father, who is a very work savvy man thinks I need to leave as soon as possible when I get my next gig. He thinks a few things:

1. He thinks she's using me unfairly. He thinks she's using me for high quality, high level work for bad pay. And then throws in some easy tasks like cleaning to dumb down the job and justify the pay. 

2. He thinks she hasn't been honest. She told me 20 hours a week upon hiring.  Some weeks I struggle to get 10 with her cutting me short a lot. 

3. My father thinks she'll blame me for her business not doing well and that I'm a great scapegoat and person to blame.  

4.  My father thinks it might ruin my reputation to stay with my name as the Manager if her business does fail. 

My dad is a smart guy who has been through the ringer with work himself his whole life. I trust what my dad has to say and I agree with him'

Alex,

The only advise I can give you is to listen to you dad. Please don't let  'advice' from a bunch of judgemental strangers on the net who don't know you from Adam and don't give a monkeys if you live or die affect you in a negative way.  Please don't feel that you have to justify and defend what you post or how you choose to live your personal or work life.  Instead, listen to your dad who DOES know you and love you and has your best interests at heart. The job's sucking the life out of you and needs to go but you know this of course. You can do a lot better. All the best to you.

Riccardo  Fogli..

1982.. unbelievably stunning man, then and now,  and one of a kind singer. .❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

I've always found the  'we met at 16, been together 30 years, I've never wanted anyone else' set ups bewildering. Wanting to experiment sexually when young is not just natural, it's biology-driven.  OP is nowhere near ready to settle down with one man for the rest of her life. There is nothing wrong with either her or him. She just needs to live her life, explore, experience, sample, learn and grow,  And then find her forever man.

On 1/15/2024 at 5:32 PM, Batya33 said:

It was my reasonable self esteem where I knew I was far more than my looks and men who were so uber focused on looks that they'd think I'd enjoy that sort of "compliment" weren't going to have much in common with me.

In third grade on my first day of school the boy sitting behind me (who I am friends with on FB) said "you seem really nice!"  We crushed on each other.  I loved how he tried to compliment me internally.  I've always valued that above looks.

This thread isn't about kids and what they say to each other at school?

I was very beautiful when young and stared and wolf-whistled at wherever I  went. I had it all. Hot, gorgeous, stunning, beautiful etc etc. I found it very flattering. It was an ego boost. Fun times. Youth and beauty. All that was many years ago. I am still very beautiful to my husband. He tells me every day. 

Talking about grown up world, If a man approached me with 'you seem very nice'... I'd frankly be rather insulted. Most certainly prefer 'absolutely beautiful' to 'very nice'. To each their own.

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I saw "come back" not what he did -come back in a healthy, committed way - not just texting or contacting. He didn't come back in that sense at all.  And they really haven't set each other free for any real period of time.

He does want to be back  into Cynder's ife to some extent at least - he's made this very clear.  He's not being pushy either, I don't think. 

It's up to her what she chooses to do. Be casual friends. Fellow vendors at festivals.  Or potentially, should things really change with him, partners again. 

And heaven rest her soul..........

On 12/22/2023 at 5:30 PM, xbelieve said:

I already posted my story before but it was not completely correct. Please help me I really need advice!!

Hello, I am having a lot of trouble to understand what people really mean especially in the dating area. I am hoping some of you could help me understand so I can decide what I should do. Sorry if my story is quite long.

So a while ago I (F) had a party at work (100+ people) and at the end of the evening I have kissed with one of my direct co workers (M) after spending the whole night together laughing and talking. I also invited him to stay over and sleep on my coach (legit) because he had to walk far when going with public transport. He declined and told me it was not a good idea to come with me and that he liked me enough to first drink coffee. The next day he invited me for coffee the following day. In the mean time there have been some text messages but not many. These text messages had kisses and shy smiley faces in them.

We met at his house to have drinks (non alcoholic). I stayed there for 4 hours and we also kissed. During kissing he called me beautiful and smiled a lot. When kissing we eventually laid down on the couch. I used a joke to get off of him and just talk further since I am not interested in sex so soon. We also talked about us not being interested in one night stands or emotionless sex. He even said he had a period he thought he might have not been interested in sex (asexual) at all. This was all during a good conversation. He even said he might wants to do other work in a few months and made some comments/jokes about couples which he ended by saying ''these are things you shouldn't say so soon''.

Somewhere in the middle of the meet up things just changed. This was after all of the above. We just talked but he barely looked at me. The conversation was very one-sided he was only talkng about himself and (for me) not in a good way. He basicly only said things that would turn somebody off (in my opinion) but said he just wanted me to have a honest and clear picture about him. He also made a comment about his ex being smoking hot (like a 9) and that he still doesnt understand what she wanted with someone like him (like a 6). He also told me that I am not his type (looks). I joked a few times that it looked like he wanted me to leave as soon as possible and he joked that most people already would have ran away by now.

During this awkward one-sided 'conversation' we also talked about when to leave. He looked at the time and said half an hour or something. Yet we stayed together for an hour and a half.

At the end we walked towards our cars (he was going somewhere else) and his car was one stair further down. He just stopped at the stairs on my floor and said ''I have to go one more down''. I actually figured he would walk me to his car. After that he hugged me and said see you on monday. We then awkwardly stared into each others eyes untill someone came in the garage. He then said ''I am not a public guy'' and left.

After the meet up I had a strange feeling and didnt know what to think. Later that day I asked him if he had done the thing he would do that night. We didnt really talk much after. Two days later I asked him to come drink something at my place and he replied that he would like that but he felt like I was having more feelings for him than he had for me since his feelings weren't mucht yet. He also said it could still happen but he just wanted to be honest. I replied that I didnt know where his response was coming from and that it was not the case. I also asked him if it was a polite way of rejecting me. He answered ''oh I am sorry I misunderstood shall we leave it at this for now?''. Since we are coworkers I asked what he meant and said his rejection was too subtle for me (if it was). He then replied he might have been more clear and that at this moment he only wants to drink something as friends but that he would understand if I wanted to keep things more professional. I said to him that that was not the case, that I had fun and really wanted to go for drinks as friends. After that he just made a stupid joke off topic which I didnt really reply to because I thought it was a bit weird. He also said he was punished for his clumsy choice of words and had a stomach ache. I wished him good luck with that. A few hours later I asked him if the stomach ache was going better and I made a stupid joke related to his. He replied the next day saying ''haha''.

At work nothing has changed, before everything we didn't really speak at work and we still don't. Side note: we work from home most days. The only day we go to the office he didn't show.

Can someone please help me explain what he meant and what I should do next? I am not in love or having many feelings I am just interested in seeing if we are compatible. Being friends is also on my list (most of my friends are male). I just don't want to be the idiot that texts him or invites him as a friend while he might just tried to be polite.

Sorry girl. What he meant was, 'I'm not into you and I don't want to date you'; he couldn't have been more clear... What you should do next is nothing at all. Leave him be.  You sound very young to me. Get your mates together - it being Xmas and all. Get all dressed up, go out,  have a drink, have fun, chat to people...you'll meet your man soon enough. When you do.. you won't have to ask strangers on message boards what his behaviour meant. Trust me on this.

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The other thing is that some people don't even get married on paper. They only have civil/de facto relationships so when they're with someone a long time it's basically their husband or wife.

Absolutely.

Fully agree with Rainbow and Tiny. We're not talking about a 5 y old who'd be happy with 'because I said so'. 

Also  - yes, we do need context but - don't get the whole 'it's just some dude your gran's been dating for a while'. My lord, the woman left a marriage of 40 years and risked estrangement from her children. It's been two years, not two months. She's not 'just dating' him. I don't see any significance in the whole 'engaged to be married' nonsense. Neither do I care how their relationship started. What matters is what's happening now.

Oh well, OP's left the building so it's all a moot point anyway. 

On 11/25/2023 at 5:28 PM, mylolita said:

When I was dating, I was never in the texting camp because my flip phone wasn’t the type of phone you would send tonnes of texts on like a smart phone these days… wow, that makes me feel old, even though I’m *only* (ha ha) 33 🥲🤣

 

It was calls “back in the day!” 🥹🤣 Good ol’ 2008…! Where are you?! 

 

x

Ha.. my 'back in the day' was  1988..when it was: 1 - call on landline  2- knock at door 3-write a letter, on paper, with a pen...

At the end of the day, it's all about finding yourself in the right place at the right time.. next to the right person, physically or digitally. Which won't happen on a  break from dating. 

Alex could spend all of next year volunteering at soup kitchens and community theatres whilst at the same time analysing, introspecting and 'getting to the bottom of'. Or she could give herself a few weeks, dust herself down and see what else is out there. There is an option many seem to have omitted in their responses - Alex might just meet a decent man who will fall in love with her  and want a  long term relationship  with her just as she is, warts and all, both as a woman and as a person.  Without self-help books, therapy and making herself into something she is not. And the feeling could be  mutual. If we all waited to become all around perfect and  'healthy' -  with self-love spewing out of our every pore -  before venturing out to look for a partner.. the word would soon become extinct. 

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If I may ask, since you find this forum so uninspiring and unhelpful, what are you still doing here? 

Making some sort of statement?  

Everyone who contributed to your thread including myself, did so in an attempt to help you. 

It wasn't necessary to return only to tell us our attempts were unhelpful, not appreciated and you're seeking inspiration and feedback elsewhere. 

Personally, I find that quite disrespectful to all who contributed.

 

 

That he even responded to 'how are you' is an awful lot more than I would do in his position. Disrespectful?? He?? How about dozens and dozens of posts humiliating, belittling, berating, insulting, degrading, dismissing, lecturing etc etc HIM -  carefully and cleverly disguised as 'helpful advise'?? 

Just.. unreal. 

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I am not sleeping ok, well, I am now, but wasn't when this was happening. I think that contributed to this. 

Normal for me. I honestly don't know. I'm alone constantly. I wake up, eat breakfast,sometimes go to work, but mostly work from home. I take care of my pets, I do my work, I sit around a lot, I cook, I clean, and manage my home inside and out. I occasionally visit my family. 

I make dinner, hangout, watch some shows, read, then bed. I'm alone so much. I get very lonely. So my family asks me to come over, so I'm not alone. 

I fear the future. That I'll be alone forever. I want love,companionship, support. To grow my own family, and not be so ingrained in my current one. My health is my great, so I am trying to lose weight to better myself. 

I get overwhelmed taking care of a house by myself. It gives me anxiety. I look around and see all these projects I want and need to do and I get overwhelmed and end up sitting and ignoring them. 

My mom recently came and helped me do a bunch of them. After, it did feel good that they were done. 

It's just a lot by myself. My mom says,it'll be easier when I meet a good man to help me and share life together. 

 But I'm not meeting any good men. Because I'm fat. 

Money gives me anxiety. I'm always living super close to the vest. I have so many student loans and bills. It's always tight. 

 

 

 

Alex,

What do you mean by fat, if I may ask?

Size 14, or 'my 600 pound life'? Or something in-between? Fat means such vastly different things to different people.

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What's more important to you...a man who you feel drawn to and who is compatible with you or a man who your friends and family will ooohh and aaahhh over because of his looks?

I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular, sex symbol type actor. My friends oohhed and aahhhed over his looks. One so called friend even told me she was going to attempt to have sex with him because she found him so attractive, looks-wise. But he was an egotistical, sexist, bigoted oaf who had zero intellectual curiosity and who embarrassed me in public many times. I could hardly stand to be intimate with him because his personality turned me off so much. When I dumped him my friends said I was nuts. I said "then you date him!" I can't just sit and look at a man all day long. I need more than that.

I found my husband attractive despite him not being conventionally good looking. He's tall, blond and has blue eyes but his nose is a bit crooked and he has some scarring from teenage acne but I thought he was funny and smart and adorable. I'd take that over the movie star lookalike any day. 

But that's me. If you find the opinions of "society" more important than how you feel about a man then maybe you should go for the arm candy. If not, to heck with what others think!

Sorry to highjack the thread everyone, just very curious: Bolt, are you married? Or single? You keep referring to 'my husband' but then your posts read like you are single? Am just curious for some reason!

Sorry everyone!

6 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I was even wondering about just this... the wording...

"I'll give you a zap mid next week to see how things are going",

vs,

"Perhap, I can contact you next week to confirm?"

or,

"Is it ok if I contact you next week to verify?"

Each seems to have pros and cons.

Dude

Don't be tedious.

Verify?? 'smh'

Just come out and say what you want to.

'Hey, you're gorgeous and I'd do anything for a chance to take you out: yes, no or maybe??'

Million years ago when my husband and I met in this alt club..spent a few hours dancing and talking and then, towards the end of the night, he sits himself next to me and says, arrogantly:  well listen girl, I give good head, hit me up okay? To which I said, YOU SO absolutely disgust me you vile vile "swear word", ehm, what was that number again?

Have to sadly say though..he was/is a stunner looks wise and UGH is of  course 6.2.

You need to try and present yourself in a very VERY confident way. You need to just say to yourself, f it, I'll get what I want.

Sorry I can't help more..

14 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I’ll sign off tonight by reiterating this story that I conveyed on a post a year or two ago on here.

I have been on dating sites for years, and have almost pretty much never gotten many responses at all, ever.

So, about 20 years ago, back in the early days of dating sites, I did an experiment. I had almost the exact same write up that I have now, and I had a couple of pretty decent pictures, but was getting, literally, no responses. None.

I did something rather diabolical with my experiment… I went to the same dating site from a city on the other side of the country, and I lifted a picture of an average looking guy, but a little more typical than I am, and I put that single picture on my site and took mine off.  This fellow wasn’t a hunk, or buff, he just looked like your average kind of geeky guy. Middle of the road.  Nothing else changed on the profile except for that picture.  
 

By the morning, I probably had 50 responses, many from seemingly really nice women that I would love to be able to have a chance to go out with.

Do you really try to want to convince me now it’s all in my head?

D,

I'm into long haired men.

I'm not going to tell you to join clubs, learn how to be confident or change your wardrobe.

Can I see a picture?

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My husband told me I was the first person EVER to laugh at his jokes. He said everyone else looked at him funny. He was in a rock band that had a local following and played at parties but he couldn't find any girls who wanted to date him. Until me. I thought he was silly, funny, a bit goofy and sort of adorable. I found it endearing that he had basically zero experience with girls. I liked his blond hair, his blue eyes and his slightly crooked nose. 

You found someone before who likes what you have to offer. It may take some time but you have a good chance of finding another woman who appreciates your unique qualities. Just try not to let some woman who you didn't even know existed a week ago wreck your life. 

-

Question for Bolt: (sorry to highjack for a second D!) So you are married? You're referring to a husband here?  Most of your posts come across as though you are single?

12 hours ago, jack1434 said:

Hi everyone, 

I am looking for some help as to how to work out the next steps to my life after a very difficult period. I am still tortured by a break up with my ex around 7 months ago. I am sorry this is such a long story, I just feel I need to explain my issues properly and would be so grateful for your help.

I (32 M) met my ex girlfriend (27F) in late 2019 before the pandemic. When I met her I felt like I had discovered someone really special. She is incredibly kind, loving, intelligent and funny. We have similar backgrounds and values, have the same job and can effortlessly have fun and interesting conversation. In the time since, we have grown so close, travelling the world and having some unforgettable experiences. She was the best friend I have ever had. 

Around 6 months into the relationship, I noticed I became quite fixated with her physical flaws. This became something of an obsession for me, and tormented me whilst I was in the relationship. I found it impossible to be happy as I had a felt sense of something ‘not being right’, finding some of her facial features at times unattractive. However, I also fell in love with her deeply as a person and this only grew over time. She offered me such unconditional love and unwavering support. I have never met anyone with her unique combination of personality traits, and I longed to make things better and defeat the doubting thoughts. 

Over time I sought counselling around the relationship, but this did not seem to improve matters. After around 2.5 years, my inability to commit and background intermittent negativity about the relationship became too much for my girlfriend and she essentially gave me an ultimatum. Consumed with doubt, I painfully left the relationship, but felt no relief. I felt too guilty and shameful to go on any longer with the doubts, and felt she deserved better. I was extremely worried that I was going to waste her youth and never forgive myself for it.

Over the next few months, whilst living separately, the despair increased and we would alternately reach out to each other in an attempt to overcome these issues. However on each occasion we would meet up, despite my best efforts, the same obsessive thoughts took over and we have not talked for 6 weeks now. We both saw the foundations of such a fantastic relationship going to waste, and the sorrow was and continues to be overwhelming. 

I have a background of low mood, anxiety and possible OCD that I feel contributed to my fixation with the flaws in our relationship. I have read a lot into attachment styles and it seems that I would fulfil a lot of the characteristics of a fearful avoidant. It feels like I can’t be fully happy in the relationship but the alternative, being without her, is even more painful. 

I see a future where I will possibly (or maybe not) meet someone I find more conventionally attractive to me, but ultimately know that the importance of this fades and you are left with the personality long term. In this respect my ex girlfriend haunts me and I feel such sadness as to how I did not make it work. I know she would still take me back if I could make concrete commitments with enthusiasm. Yet… the underlying doubts remain.

My underlying fear is that I am going to regret this hugely, that she is going to meet someone else and I will never forgive myself for letting such a beautiful person go for such superficial reasons. I know many of you will say it went on for too long etc, but I have beat myself up for too long about it already. 

How I can overcome my shame, guilt and doubt about what I have done? Was this simply my biology proving a barrier to commitment or did my mental health issues and attachment style destroy a great relationship? Is there anyway I can defeat this and make the relationship work?

You simply didn't fancy her. And weren't in love. Sorry man but it's as simple as this..what you do next is up to you but trust me on this: do not ever settle..

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I don't like the game playing either -testing someone to see their limits. Many people would love to be pampered and be the leader and my way or the highway -in a lot of ways it's easier I guess if you like that sort of thing.  I don't think anyone loves slam fist on table approach unless they themselves are very insecure and have some weird notion -in women -about "masculinity". 

There's a happy medium and each couple has to find what keeps their relationship loving and respectful.  For me I like to be kept on my toes and challenged but not in some silly macho/demanding way.  Either side. I tell my son that as my son -sometimes he will have a choice/room for negotiation and we will do what he wants- and sometimes it's gonna be "because I said so-no don't ask daddy either k?" 

In adult relationships to me it feels good when I know the other person's limits and boundaries more or less so there is very little fear of stepping over boundaries - and I feel safer -for me- when the person does have limits and boundaries.  Because I do so if we both do there's little of this one person being too high maintenance/demanding/in control.  

I also know my husband is less comfortable than me expressing his feelings but we've talked about -that's fine -but don't let resentment build and then lose it over something more "minor" - so OP your bf might "snap" some day because he holds back a lot most likely out of "fear" but if he ever gets over the fear he may have the urge to unleash all his "complaints" over the years and not in mature ways.  That's why the yes m'am stuff can be concerning.

 

Or one could just say, in place of three trillion words: hell  yeah dude, ain't I one lucky girl!!

15 hours ago, Jessica L said:

Well, I have been dating this boy for four years. I am 28 years old, and he is the same age as me. 

When I say that he said/did something that bothered me in the slightest, he gets emotional and tells me how profoundly sorry he and how he did not mean to treat me that way. He never challenges anything I say. He is always wrong, I am always right. I have tried talking to him about it, he reminds me how priviledged he feels and how he doesnt want to do anything to mess it up. 

Over four years, he has never once argued with me, and has does whatever I say. First, I thought he was just being sweet, but it is now getting a bit worrying. He does everything I demand, no questions asked. A week ago, just to see, I asked him for $100, and he just gave it to me and didn't even ask why, he just said "enjoy yourself". This worries me. He does the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and all of the chores to the extent that I feel bad, even though he says its his choice.

He complements me on a daily basis, and every day when he comes home from work he brings some sort of gift. I am just a little concerned as I do not think this is normal. 

When I met him, I knew he was more on the submissive side, but not to this extent. I also confuses me that he seemingly has split personalities at home and at work. At home, he is totally submissive to me, does whatever I say no questions asked. At work though, he is one of the most renowned and highest paid political advisors in the country and his colleagues have commented how demanding and how "what he wants, he gets!"

I just feel like my relationship is going the wrong direction, and want him to possibly be a bit more honest, and I want him to be a bit more DOMINANT!!

Thanks for reading all of this.

Advice?

Here's my advice before reading the rest of the thread: consider yourself lucky and count your blessings!

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Actually the unhealthy attachment he has to his twin is even to the point that even if they were actual partners, it's not exactly normal. I'm not trying to be weird and suggest incest or something but it literally does sound like they're joined like Siamese twins in everything. Where one brother goes, the other goes.

Co-dependency can exist between any kinds of people  (e.g. partners, parent and child, friends, etc.) Even between partners co-dependency isn't good. There's a big difference between being close to someone and being co-dependenent and clingy.

Also the boyfriend can't just have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to live with his brother and do every single thing only with his brother, then he shouldn't be in a relationship. He actually has a partner but he disregards her opinions, needs and wants. He always only values what his brother wants and thinks. If he wants to live his life that way then he has to understand, he can't have a relationship. There is just no space in his life for anybody else. He actually expects a partner to be not a partner, but just a third wheel to him and his brother. Who is going to be OK this? My guess is pretty much nobody.

 

No-one gets it and no-one ever will, won't bother explaining what it's like, being a twin.

OP- not giving you any useful advice cause of the whole twin thing, sorry. .