Sindy_0311

I just remembered one thing that happened last week. We decided to go for a drink with two girls from the gym and one of them came with her roommate guy. We were sitting at the bar, the two girls in the middle, talking a lot and the roommate interacting a lot with them. At some point I disconnected from the conversation because it wasn’t of my taste, to superficial. And after a while, the roommate he stood up and came to me. He noticed me silent. we then both engaged in a deep and pleasant conversation. I’m sure he is also an introvert and felt more comfortable staying with me than with the two girls. When they left we stayed talking together for a few more hours. Just to say that you don’t have to force yourself into being something you are not. By being authentic, you will attract the people who get you and with whom you can have a deep connection with. 

1 hour ago, kevon said:

Friends said to me, i look needy or creepy, or due to skincolour most women won't bother or would think about a passport scammer. This hurt me a lot and still lies deep within me as a fear.

Would you entertain a relationship with a woman who has these opinions about foreigners? Wouldn’t it be off putting? 
Look, I’m often seen as a weird person due to my tastes and because I’m a bit secretive and hate small talk. People don’t often come talk to me easily, but I don’t really care, I mean the right guy, I think (hope) he will embrace my difference. It also helps see who is more compatible with my personality and keep others at a distance… but one thing sure, don’t give up on empowering emotional intelligence, because at the end, it is what makes social interactions easier. 

18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have met with the Pastor privately who is quite enlightened and as such has provided the support and guidance I was not able to get in therapy

I also think sometimes therapy is not enough to really find a meaning in life or uplift yourself spiritually. I'm not a believer, I don't believe in god and don't go to church. I have been through therapy for many years and took a break because I needed to find something else to help me. Among other things, it is philosophy that helped me in the last month. I've read books, listened to podcast, joined online communities. Specifically I recommend Stoicism which can help you develop specific virtues and gives some practical keys to live accordingly to them... 

Hope you will be fine... 

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I know myself and I know that I can't really have a fwb situation because I know that I get attached if I have sex regularly with someone.

This is exactly why you should avoid casual sex with men you are attracted to. (being it ONS or FWB)

I think you are a bit in denial because you are still smitten by the night you both had and your ego boost... but I won't say more... 

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I mean who the hell knows?  They could end up falling in love for all we know.  It's been known to happen!!  

I think it’s not likely when the man displays player behavior and makes it clear from the start that it’s only casual. 

From your standpoint, it’s ok for a woman to accept a FWB relationship or a casual fling just because “maybe we will fall in love someday”…? I think this is a dangerous mindset. So many women get played because they overlook the real intentions of the man (Kim’s coworker made his intentions clear though)

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's quite possible that he couldn't get a good read on HER,

I don’t think so… my opinion is he knew she likes him since the wine bar text… and he kinda “took advantage” of the situation. 

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

that she was very attracted to him, which I am assuming was/is mutual. 

She was interested in dating him, and he was interested in sleeping with her, so the level of attraction is not really mutual as intentions are not aligned… have you even heard of the concept that men label women: “the woman I want to have sex with” and “the woman I’m interested in dating”… the woman a man wants to have sex with usually never becomes the one he wants to date…

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am happy for her and hope it works out the way she hopes

IMO I would maybe have worked out if she had declined the hookup thing and stayed strong to her standards. 

Anyway Kim I’m glad you had fun, and hope you won’t feel any resentment. 

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  They could end up falling in love for all we know.  It's been known to happen!!  

I guess you are talking about the exceptions to the rule. Me personally I wouldn’t take the risk to develop more attachment by casually sleeping with someone I’m already attracted to. It’s a slippery situation IMO and I’m not sure who brought up the “casual” word during the event… him? 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for sharing....  and just goes to show, things are never (or very rarely) what they appear to be; attraction can be so nuanced (as is life in general) and obviously he was/is very attracted to you too!

of course things are always what they appear to be. He was interested just for a free hookup and Kim lowered her standards because she is attracted to him. 

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him.

@rainbowsandrosesI don’t share your enthousiasm and @kim42I hope you will be ok running into him at work and won’t get attached to him, sincerely… 

OR, he actually took the hint with the wine bar text, but his interest is not reciprocal. Since some men have a hard time rejecting women, so he still tries to be kind while being intentionally distant so that you don’t misread his behavior…

According to the party to come, I suggest you try negative visualisation. (Search google) It’s a method that helps me a lot. Whenever I have to attend an event or a work meeting that makes me anxious, I imagine the worst case scenario or the dangers of the situation so that I’m prepared to face them with a stronger mindset… it helped me a lot through the years… 

16 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Wish I could report his behavior but he's a one man show. 

11 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

His online reviews are excellent which is confusing,

So he does have customer reviews... Maybe leave a bad one since  you can't report him... or are you afraid it's not anonymous? 

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I would be equally annoyed if the person who didn't follow through was a guy I didn't like or simply a friend.

Are you really really sure about that? 😄

i think in this case the main issue is his touchy/flirty behavior combined with his flakiness… I’ve known of women attracted by those guys, very charming when in your presence, then they completely forget about you, you get upset, and you meet them and they are very kind/flirty again and you forgive them everything… the cycle repeats over and over again. I’m afraid that this is what will happen for you too. Since you work in the same building, and have to exchange over text for work related stuff, it’s easy to fall again in the trap of “maybe he does actually like me… what if…” 

Sorry to be honest, but your situation with the other coworker last year lasted way to long before you actually realized that it was time to emotionally cut of… this is why I’m a bit concerned about this one… Please forgive me for mentioning the other guy… 

He wants sex first and then, once you start to like him, he will ask for money… 

By the way, Scorpios are kind when treated well. 😉

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

it sounds like he is enjoying flirting with you. 

Agree, also have to say that some guys you will meet in your life will only be here to flirt with you, nothing more… 

I understood that when I had a crush on my coworker two years ago. he was obviously flirting with me, other coworkers even noticed it. I then decided to invite him for a drink, he declined (twice), but didn’t stop flirting after that... and now it make me smile whenever I see him, it’s more like a little game between us… I understood that it’s the only thing we will ever have… the flirting. And it’s all ok. 

Not every man who flirts with you wants to sleep or date you. They can do it for various purposes (one off them being they like women’s attention in general, not just yours...) 

We don’t know whether he asked others if they will attend the party. You only spent a little time with them, he could perfectly have asked other girls at work at another time. I don’t know whether he is a player. I wouldn’t make that assumption. But he reminds me of someone. 

See a friend of mine has a massive crush on our coach. He is the owner of the gym we both attend. When I met her, she would tell me how this guy helped her a lot when she arrived to town, looking for a place to stay, talking a lot with her, even invite her for coffee someday. And she started to develop feeling for him. One day they organized a party for the 10th birthday of the gym. The members were all part of it and she also went. She told me how she felt disappointed he didn’t come to speak to her and how distant he was towards her. She felt very disappointed. She could not understand the shift. 
But for what I have observed, this guy does the same with everyone, me included. He would come to you, ask how you are doing, if you need anything, offer help and overdoing it and after a few minutes of speaking to you, he closes the convo and completely shifts to another person, doing the exact same. He wants people to feel seen, recognized maybe so that they stay in the membership, just his business... But she at the time thought that they had something special. (the difference in this case is he is a coach and isn’t allowed to touch his members)

According to your coworker, my feeling is that he is popular, likes attention and wants many people to like him, that's his business. He might be is a narcissist, maybe a player… who knows, but the thing is, he is too busy dealing with so much people to send you a text to confirm. I know of many individuals like him and I absolutely avoid them, not my cup of tea… 

Now according to the drink, since you decided to join, I think you should have stayed a bit longer. Coworkers do speak about work related stuff, that’s common, but after one hour or two, they usually flushed out all they had to say and get into more personal conversations. That’s when it usually becomes more interesting. No big deal though, you weren't in a good mindset anyway… 

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, it's moving very slowly,

Maybe he isn't even trying to make something move... which is the reason why you think its moving slow. It's possible that he doesn't see you as a romantic prospect (yet), maybe you are just another coworker to him. I would remain friendly with very low expectations. And who knows, maybe someday he will see you as something more. But based on what you told us, I would assume he isn't trying anything for now. 

Enjoy your evening, and keep your eyes open 😁

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

If he knew he had this problem, he should have at least worn shades! 😎 

 

x

That was so funny and accurate 🤣🙌🏻

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I would just look at it as 2 incompatible people. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you and I wouldn't let it affect my future dating. Some people just don't connect or click and that's okay. It's better to realize it early on rather than waste each other's time. Don't let this one experience make you question your worth or ability to attract someone. Just keep dating and you'll find someone who is compatible with you and treats you with respect.

Dating fatigue is kicking in… I’ll take a break. 
According to the « off topic » about women and men’s strength, I think it deserves a new thread someday… Like  every discussion in real life, the topic often slips and this is also what makes these exchanges so interesting. 🙌🏻

I don’t think women are as strong as men. If a man and a woman workout exactly the same, the man will develop more muscles and strength, its just biology. 

About that man, I have to say that until he did it I was in an observation mode. He would say stuff like “I hope we will make it work between us” or “next time I will take you there, we will do this together etc…” I somehow sensed that he was just looking for a girlfriend, no matter whom he has in front of him. He also confessed that he doesn’t like to be single in general… He was already calling me cute name after our first date which I found a bit weird. After we kissed on the second meet I thought to myself, so now what? …The kiss came to soon and somehow, I already felt bored. Maybe the reason why I jumped on the occasion to end the date. Idk. But you are all right, we didn’t click. He was very good looking, somehow interesting but we were not in a/our bubble. When he left, I felt relieved, that I could continue spending the night interreacting with other people. 

One thing I thought about today: When we got divorced, me and my ex-husband, we were very close and telling each other about our dating life. At some point he confessed that he does checks other girls, and was doing it when we were married, but I never saw it. He also told me that the first time we met, he wasn’t really attracted to me. He found I was too skinny, he didn’t like my hair, etc… But he “saw” something in me. He never made me jealous or second guess his attraction towards me for 10 years. He was just so sure about me that it was enough. After our divorce, I saw him interact and talk to girls he wasn’t attracted to and his tone was very disrespectful sometimes. Same man, other women… So I do think that somehow a man CAN behave when he has real genuine interest for a woman… (which means that the other dude just wasn’t into me enough to behave for one entire date IMO) No big deal, just another great experience... 

38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Whether true or not, it sends the message guy is more focused on his surroundings (noticing attractive women) than he is on YOU.  

True. I guess he wasn’t attracted enough to keep the focus on me… I don’t think he would have done the same while on a date with Scarlett Johansson 🤣

59 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

Thats just you making a baseless claim on how you want the world to be. "High value men dont do X" is just a projection on how you want the world to be, not necessarily how it actually is. I have never cheated and consider myself a high value man (who doesnt?), but according to your strict definition, Im not.

If you want to seek out feedback that just supports your narrative of him being a potential cheating bastard, then by all means go ahead and seek that feedback, but I'm not trying to actively deceive you here. Im just telling it how it is, and the fact that you describe it here as a brief glance (not staring, that is something else entirely) that he apologized for as well, that speaks a lot about how mature he is in recognizing it.

If it was indeed just a quick glance (which he apologized for), I personally think that you are judging him very harshly here. And if this is a recurring pattern on your side (reacting harshly to small perceived slights), I'd be so bold as to say that he is probably the one who dodged a bullet here. Just curious - why do you think that this was a bad thing in? Is there anything that you are worried about?

Oh please… he raised his eyebrows and interrupted the conversation by completely turning his head at the point that I thought something bad happened behind me…. I can deal with men looking around, but not like that… and I didn’t say he was a cheater neither called you a love value man for glancing at other girls… HE embarrassed himself, and I have enough time on my hands to date other men that are more aligned to my values… but yes you are right, I’m choosy… 

12 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

moment was an indicator of the lack of care in other areas of our relationship that would follow

This is exactly what came to my mind. I viewed him as someone who might lack consideration for the other person when in a relationship. And for those who say it’s an instinctive behavior, I would be curious to know if they have the qualities/values required to sustain a healthy relationship… 

9 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

This is normal for guys, I do it from time to time as well and its not really something that can be helped as its something that happens instinctively

It happens instinctively to a certain type of men. I think it’s a question of values. I’ve never been in a relationship with a men doing that in front of me (I say it because I don’t really know what they were doing when I wasn’t here even though i canot imagine them doing it this way) High value men don’t behave like that in front of someone they are dating… and him recognizing it was a mistake absolutely doesn’t discredit his behavior. 
 

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

non of us knows if this was a stupid mistake that he will never do again or if he acts like this all the time.

In fact I do know that it’s not a one time mistake. He clearly told me. And this is exactly what reinforced my decision. 

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I am curious what happened after the date was over.  Did he ask you out again?  Text you?

Nothing happened. I think I was pretty clear when I told him that I didn’t want to pursue anything and asked him to leave. Frankly i think he was a bit shocked by my reaction but he got the message, and I didn’t expect anything from his part. 

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Well, to be fair, it could be a habit.  As you know, it's pretty easy to slip back into a habit if you're not on your guard.   

 

Sure. I was trying to imagine how I would react if he does that in front of my family or my friends. I would feel so ashamed… I do think he canot control it… this is just something he does. And not because he has been single for a long time. 
@lostandhurt you said it could be a single guys thing. This guy has been married for 15 years, after that had a 3years relationship he just ended 4 month ago… he has 3 boys, and lives a daddy life 50% of the time… I guess he does the same when he hangs out with his 22 years old one. 
 

3 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Sindy, I wonder if it's maybe cultural, because we're both based in Europe and we don't like gifts on first dates, who knows. 

It reminds me of this guy who posted on reddit that he bought flowers and paid for dinner on a first date and then the woman didn't want to go on a second date. He was very upset. I think it's best to keep furst dates simple - coffee or a drink, and no gifts 😁

It might be cultural. You are right. I do like simple first meets. And after that I do appreciate if the guy decides to make a gift because it’s more significant to me… outside of the cultural part, I think it’s a personality thing. I like to make gifts based on the taste of the other person. I remember my ex husband used to make expensive gifts but I didn’t enjoy them… (even asked him to return a 300 dollars jacket because I knew I would not wear it) one day he came back home with a mug, a ceramic beautiful big mug like I love them and I was so happy… but not every woman is like me…. Maybe this is where I’m to strict.

I replied to @rainbowsandroses, and mentionned the rose thing/first red flag like a joke. In reality, the rose he offered me was no big deal, his behavior was…