HungryGhost

Wow, that's intense. It's true that every job comes with a learning curve, but innocent typos and being ONE MINUTE late to a meeting? Those are entirely forgivable things. I'm willing to bet your manager does them too, but when he does, he holds himself to a different standard and thinks it's fine. I have worked similarly awful jobs with bad leadership, and I am still dealing with the aftermath, trying to rebuild my self esteem and climb up in the job hierarchy after being constantly told that everything I did was wrong for 5 consecutive years. It's not worth it. You have only been there for 2 weeks, so you must still be in job hunt mode. I suggest you stay in that mode and keep applying until something else comes along.

I agree with this. It's a highly personal choice, but I can't be with people who are not interested in learning and having intelligent conversations. It's very important to me to be able to do that, or else i get frustrated. Do you see yourself being happy with this guy as he is for the long-term, or would get bored of him? Would you be able to live with him and be immersed in this dynamic every day?

Update: I got keys to my new place! There were, of course, complications with the keys and messes to clean up from the previous roommate because nothing has been smooth about this, but I am out! I only have to go back there to finish the last of the packing, cleaning, and getting stuff out. I ended up staying at my ex's place until April 1 afterall because I just had too much moving prep to do there to justify being away. Now that I want to be done with him, I get to view his behavior through that lense and it's eye-opening. In those last few days, he "tried to salvage some of our friendship" by knocking on my door and subjecting me to a slew of criticisms about how everything I am doing for this move is wrong. I didn't give him enough notice (1.5 months). I have to firm up dates with the landlord (I had to make sure I was actually getting keys and not being nailed for someone else's damage before i could give an official date). I compiled my moving boxes in the living room without his permission. When he tried to cast me as the unreasonable one for leaving him alone after he asked to be left alone, and for not knocking on his door which never used to be closed, i explained to him that the night I left, I knew he would hit me if I stayed which led to an argument about my "distorted reality." In THE MIDDLE OF THE ARGUMENT he did the thing he learned in anger management class to actively stop himself from hitting me (walks away mid-conversation to count to 10 and cool off). But I'm crazy for believing that he is capable of hitting me. He even offered me a hug and I did not accept. He also tried to prove how well he treated me in the relationship by explaining that he never cheated on me. I'm not sure why he expects me to give him credit for that. Cheating was never the issue. 🙄

Everything may turn out just fine. They assured me that when Friday comes, they can let me in the place to look around and make sure it's not damaged. If the outgoing person doesn't return the keys, I am authorized to request a lock change on that day. We are not sure how long that takes, but I do have the power to get the process started since I am on the lease as of Friday. I don't think this would seem as bad to me if I wasn't dealing with an abusive jerk where I currently live. Any potential obstacle seems like a huge roadblock right now. I just want Friday and keys!!!

My roommate is on vacation out of the country. She was supposed to be back today, but caught covid and has to self-isolate where she is. I have a bad feeling this could still fall through. I would owe them something now, but I am hoping if the apartment is trashed I can just say no and maybe just be on the hook for one month's rent and keep looking. Sigh.

The rental company says I have to send them an email saying I will take on her damages. I'm hoping that I can convince them to let me borrow the keys on Friday if they actually turn up, or else escort me to the apartment with them so I can just check and make sure it's not trashed before I agree to any such thing and pay them the rent. My new roommate says they returned her damage deposit a few years back and damage deposits no longer apply to that lease. I am hoping they will stick with that, but it sounds like there was a recent change in management so who knows?

Thanks, all. To clarify, the problem is not that my ex is being nice to me and tempting me to stay, it's that he's giving me attitude and making me feel like garbage. I actually am responsible for the previous tenant's damage because it's a roommate swap, I learned last week. I am supposed to give them a statement saying I accept responsibility for her damages. Even though nobody knows what she has been doing in there for the past month. So she could have trashed the place and they will be charging ME. I really might go to a hotel for the next couple of nights if I get all my packing done.

I just don't trust the outgoing roommate. She skipped out on her rent this month, and she has been alone in the apartment for a month. I kept searching, but I didn't secure anything else in time before this one finally was approved. Cross your fingers for me. I just have to make it to Friday and get keys without incurring damage debt caused by a stranger. In the meantime, my ex is really getting to me. I need strength to endure that too. Please talk me through this limbo. It's unbearable.

Hi all, Update: I have a place lined up, but there is ongoing drama with it. I am supposed to have it for April 1, but cross your fingers for me that I actually get the keys and the apartment is not damaged. So. Much. Drama. This has been the hardest apartment hunt of my life. Give me strength...

I have experienced this exact thing. Run! It does not get better! People can get caught cheating, but there is no way to prove that you are NOT cheating. So you will spend your life trying to convince him, and he will never believe you. So leave. My jealous ex was convinced that my desire to go to university meant that I would cheat on him. He thought that when I went out for a girls' night, I would cheat on him. He thought that when my roommate brought a guy home, I would cheat on him. Literally everything that ever happened meant I would cheat on him. I have earned two degrees since then, so it seemed like I got some studying done despite my unwavering dedication to cheating on him. He told me I was not smart enough to survive university, so i might as well drop out and save my money. He tried to coerce me to move in with him, but I resisted because i knew it was so that he could watch me 24/7, and I would have to be granted permission to go to the grocery store. I would not have been allowed to go anywhere else. If you leave, and I hope you do, I strongly suggest you arrange another place to stay so that he doesn't know where you are. My ex refused to accept the breakup for many months, and kept showing up at my house to take me out on dates after I had dumped him. Someone who loves you will support you, not tear you down.

It's the outgoing roommate causing the trouble. The one who is staying there seems good. My preference would be to live alone in my own place and I do watch for bachelor suites too, but they too are way overpriced in this housing crisis. You would be lucky to find one for less than $1000 a month in this market, and it's usually glaringly obvious why it's so cheap (way too small, no kitchen, about to be torn down, etc.) One-bedroom apartments are going for about $1300.

The ONLY thing holding it up is that the current roommate won't pay her rent. They have approved my application, but they will not process it and change the lease until the account is all paid. If she doesn't pay by April, she will still be on the lease and owe April rent too and on and on until she pays. It could go on for a long time. They said I could still cancel it now with no penalty, so if i can find something else while this horror show is still going on then I could just take it instead and walk away from this mess. But so far that's not happening. Ick. I will not be looking to get back with him ever. I have tried that before more than once and it never works for me. I can't be friends with exes either, so it seems more likely that he would try to be my "best friend" and I would have to awkwardly reject him over and over again.

I really wish the place I already arranged would just come through and be finalized. Why oh why can't it just be finalized???!!! It would work for me!!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Yeah, that's my fear. We will always be in limbo as long as we are living together and I do NOT want to have another experience of having to flee into the night because I know he will hit me if I stay there. The roommate transition logistics will inevitably be a factor in this move, I'm afraid. All I can afford right now is a roommate situation. I have put out a couple of feelers about other places, and one of them is for a roommate in my current building. I don't love the idea of staying in the same building as him, but it may be the easiest and quickest move, and it would get me out of sharing space with him at least. It doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement, either. Reminder: we are in the midst of a MAJOR housing crisis here. The vacancy rate is 1%. Please no more posts about how I am just trying to make excuses to be close to him. I am NOT. I need to get OUT and prime moving time is NOW. This is a university town, and by September, I will be competing with all the students who move here for school every year and I will be scr*wed. Agreed. My spidey sense is telling me to act friendly and cooperative now so that things like declining his invitation will not devolve into a huge fight that will invoke the rage. I just told him I would have to think about it. But i am not going. Why would i want to???

Point taken. I should just focus on getting out. The double rent and fee issue may not be a thing anymore anyway, since my application for the new place is still in limbo. So, I am back to searching again incase that falls through. Sigh. Meanwhile, I don't really know what's going on in my ex's head, but he invited me to his graduation in June. 😒 This is awkward AF to navigate.

It just seems like I should not be the one responsible for the fees as both the incoming roommate and the outgoing roommate. If the cost is being passed onto me in the new situation while the existing residents don't have to pay even though they are the ones who decided to change the lease there, why should I be the one responsible for it where I'm leaving? It's the exact same concept.

So, I think I'm getting closer on the official approval for my new place. Yesterday they called me and asked for an admin fee to change the lease, which I refuse to do until they confirm that the unpaid rent is no longer an issue, and that they will approve my application. What I need your advice on now is how to handle things with my ex, particularly the financial piece. I don't think the entire financial burden of this fallout should be on me. I'm not the only one involved in this mess, and it was his idea to break up. I will be covering the cost of the move myself, and assuming my application goes smooth, paying rent somewhere else as of April 1. Questions: - My current landlord also mentioned an admin fee to change the lease when I leave. How should I bring up this topic with my ex and also make clear that I will not be the one to pay it because I'm already paying that fee elsewhere? - When I first moved in with my bf, his previous roommate left early and my bf ended up asking me to split his half of the rent for my first month, even though I was still paying rent at my previous place. So I did. We agreed over the phone, but I have the text message where he asked me to do it. I am contemplating asking him to return the favor, and only pay him half of my rent for April, since I will be living somewhere else. I also plan to completely move out on April 11, so technically I will only be here half the month. Is that justified? Tips on how to approach this topic? - At the beginning of this, I sought out legal advice and one thing the lawyer said to me was "You don't owe for utilities you didn't use." So I am also thinking of requesting a break on utilities for April, or just not paying him the utility amount for April, since I don't even plan to be here except to pack, sell a few things, and clean for the move-out inspection. I will be paying utilities at my new place in April, where I envision myself to be even before my furniture gets there. Thoughts? - I need him to do the work of finding a new person to take over the lease. According to the landlord, he's the one who needs to approve of them, so it just makes sense for him to do the screening. How should I convey this to him? Also, in what order should I do the above? According to the landlord, there is no official amount of notice I have to give them, we just need to allow enough time to find someone new and get the paperwork done by the effective date. According to the lawyer, the landlord doesn't care who pays, but whoever is on the lease is someone they can go after if they are not paid. It's my ex who pays them directly, so I doubt it would get to the point where they come after me. Maybe I sound harsh, but I don't want to be a doormat who absorbs all the costs. I have never been in this situation before, so I have no idea how to get out of it gracefully. I would really appreciate insights, especially from people who have been through this before. Thanks!

Going back to school in September will help you make friends. It happens naturally when surrounded by peers most of the time. That's how it was for me. I have always been painfully shy and not one to approach people, but I ended up with friends at both universities i attended. It will also help give you a sense of purpose. Taking classes gives you goals, and helps you find yourself and your passion. You said you are working and living with your parents, so I recommend using this time to save money to fund your future endeavors (pursuing your passions, going out with people or attending events to meet people at school, buying a car when you get your driver's license). As a side note, I wish I had the option of living with parents and saving up money for what i need. You are very lucky in that way. You are still so young at 22. No need to rush things or put so much pressure on yourself. You have time to acquire a driver's license before September. It would give you something to do, and you would achieve one of your goals in the process. I say do it!

This strikes me as a HUGE red flag. I'm sure he frames it in a way that makes him look like the good guy, but I would encourage you to consider what kind of person he is if ALL of his colleagues AND his gf at the time thought it would be best for everyone if he was removed from the company.

Thanks! I am ready for my happy life. That's what I have always been looking for.

Great question. I had sworn off dating about 5 years before I met this guy, so I will most likely default back to a single life. I do not like drama at all, and that's what dating is. Since I didn't see his true colors until after moving in, I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't moved in. I also wonder if there is really any way to predict how a living situation will turn out before actually doing it. That's quite a fascinating story you have!

Yeah... I stayed because I was living him. Had I not been living with him, I would have been gone at the first act of aggression. But that started after I moved in, and in order to leave, I would have been in the same nightmare predicament I am in now with breaking a lease and dealing with a housing crisis. It just would have been happening a whole lot sooner. I am looking forward to the peace that I think is coming soon.

Not exactly. After a particularly bad outburst, I talked him into doing couples therapy to work on our communication to try to get it through to him that yelling at me was not ok. It was my way of telling him I will not accept that treatment, and giving him a chance to improve.

I did contact the landlord. It's written in our lease that we can sublet. When I asked them about it, they said I can either sublet or reassign my part of the lease. Either way, my ex has to approve of the new person, so I do need to communicate to him that I have decided to leave and reassign the lease, and he needs to find a new roommate to take it over. It is set up so that he pays the landlord the full rent, and i pay him my half. I talked to a lawyer, and they said if I were to just stop paying him, he would have to take me to court to try to get the money. I am trying to prevent that situation by telling him my intention to leave and stop paying so that he can find someone else to pay once i'm gone. He implied that he would be supportive if i decide to move out, so if he meant it, he will cooperate.

I know, right? It seems so backwards that the person he was the closest with for 2 years seems like the one to unload on. I do not understand that logic.