HungryGhost

He has been treating me like a roommate, which is an improvement. But he also continues to say things to me that suggest he still wants to keep me on the hook for some reason. Things like, "You are my best friend," and "I am your biggest fan." 🙄

There was a holdup because the current roommate had not paid their rent for March. The girl who will be my roommate let me know that it got paid yesterday. She and I are making arrangements under the assumption that i will be approved. She chose me from her crop of applicants and took down her roommate ad. I called the rental office today and they said it should be processed early next week. If no word by Wednesday, I will call them again. What a pain!!!

I am still waiting for the rental office to process my application, but it's for April 1. I have already scheduled movers for April 11. Most of my bills and notifications are paperless so mail is not much of a concern. My friends and family know of my plans. My valuables were transferred to a friend's place at the beginning of all this. I never shared my passwords with him. I'm not wavering, just answering people's posts. I don't want to stay with someone who treats me bad and doesn't want me. Yes, focusing on getting moved is exactly what I have been doing. I really wish they would process my application so I can start packing out in the open and tell him to find a new roommate for lease reassignment as of an official date. I'm just holding off until my application is approved because I don't want to be homeless.

The side job thing came up because for the past few years I have been navigating a career change and wanting to make more money than I am now. So he told me about a couple of websites where I could do some services virtually. It was valuable advice, but when I had surgery even my day job was put on hold. I couldn't walk! I had to prioritize that. I felt bad about not being able to go to my job because that's just how I am and I know they value me at my job, but there was a good reason for that. I couldn't even sit at my desk! Encouragement to pursue opportunities is appreciated. Sometimes I got that from him. But I also got a lot of judgment for what I was not doing.

Actually, while I was with him I had hip surgery and needed his help. He was very dutiful about it. He took time off school to travel with me to a different town even though he dislikes travel. He went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions, and bought other items for me as requested. He helped me with my physio, and cooked really nice meals for me. It made me think he was a good boyfriend at the time. HOWEVER, looking back on it I also remember him being really critical of me throughout the ordeal. I had 2 months off work because of it, and he judged me for not taking on work-from-home jobs online, even though I couldn't even sit in a chair for the first several weeks, and was under strict orders not to sit in a chair for extended periods of time. I watched too much Netflix while I was bedridden. When I got tired of doing hours of physio every day, I was too negative. He would also get snippy with me when I asked for help. But it was so easy at the time to focus on the fact that he was helping me.

I am in a similar situation. I have been living with my boyfriend in a city where the housing market is out of control and we just broke up. It's not easy, but I found a new place to live with a roommate in the same neighborhood for about the same price. I will have to pay double rent for a month and get rid of some furniture. I don't love having to do it, but I know it's what I need to do. You can do it too. Is there any compelling reason to stay in the city where your bf lives? Do you have a job there?

That occurred to me too. When we officially broke up, he implied that if I want to move out he would be cooperative. But I still plan to have my overnight bag and purse ready to grab and run if he gets ragey. The friends I stayed with before gave me their spare keys, so I can hide out there again if I need to.

Hi all, So, I found a new place. I am just waiting for my application to be processed before I tell my ex and landlord. Thanks for seeing me through this phase. More drama to follow, I'm sure.

To be fair, the ugly side of him was not revealed until after the move-in. It always repulsed me. We even did a few sessions of couples therapy where a therapist explained to him why his behavior is so hurtful. I knew early on that if he could not improve, we would not last.

I'm contemplating booking an air bnb until moving day. I'm not sure when I would pack, but maybe I could hire the movers to do the packing, too. I know they do that.

Sigh. Herein lies my biggest challenge. He never leaves. He does both work and school from home so I can't be discreet about clearing stuff out. I don't even want to go to the closet and dig out my suitcases because that will tip him off.

Update: I viewed 2 places today. One interested me. They said they liked me, and the timing and background check requirements sounded promising, too. They think it's more about proof of income than past landlords, which works for me! I would have 2 roommates, and I would have to downsize my stuff, but it was a really nice place and they have a puppy! Still 2 more viewings to go before the week is out, and I'm optimistic about both of them too.

What do you mean? Are you suggesting that I should stay in this unsafe situation? I am in the process of making plans. I didn't plan on my relationship completely deteriorating in one weekend.

Thanks, all. Update: I have arranged appointments to view three places this week. If I can secure something this week, I could meet my goal of giving notice the last day of the month (Monday) if I'm offered one for March or April 1. I have known my current rental company to be a bit flexible on that. The guy who lived here before me gave a month's notice to vacate his lease early, and he technically missed the deadline but they accepted it anyway. My biggest worry right now is what references they will need, and how many. If they want my current landlord to be a reference, I will have to let them know what's up this week, and ask them for a reference with hopes they will cooperate and not leak the info to my bf/ex. It rarely occurs me to keep in touch with past landlords for references. 😞 Also, I'm planning to pack an overnight bag so that when my plans are revealed, I'm prepared to just grab it and run to a hotel if things get nasty and/or violent (I know that's a possibility, based on some things he has told me about his past). I really don't know what to expect. It's clear he doesn't want me for his girlfriend, but I also suspect he may still expect me to hang around and contribute to the rent.

Yeah, I'm sure that's what he's doing. His whole demeanor has changed. I had considered raising the topic of breaking up today, but it quickly became obvious that there would be no mature respectful conversation. So I'll spring it on him when it's convenient for me.

Point taken. Moving is always nerve-wracking, but after today I am convinced that I will be happier once I do it. This impending breakup just came on so fast I had not had time to process it.

This is a lot like my bf/ex's behavior. He walks away from me constantly, which he knows hurts me deeply but he still does it. My worst breakup to date involved the silent treatment for two weeks before he finally ended it. It was the absolute WORST. I also cannot tolerate silent treatment. I doubt anyone can.

Thanks, everybody. After another day of angry outbursts and being ignored, I have decided to leave. I searched the apartment ads and e-mailed two already. Right after I post on here, I will send a message to my close friends in the city and let them know what's happening and that I need housing urgently. I'm in a lease until December, but if I can secure something for March 1, I will give him a month's notice and pay double rent for a month. It seems reasonable under the circumstances.

Thanks, everybody. Your posts are very helpful. Even if we get back to some normalcy, you have planted the seed for me to give myself permission to move on. I will regularly check the apartment listings, and maybe I can ask my current landlord to join the waiting list for a bachelor suite. It would be ridiculously expensive in this market, but also a family member did offer to help me out with rent if I need it. I hate the idea of taking help, but it's a step in the right direction if it comes to it.

Here is where I am most powerless. I had been doing just that in the apartment where Iived before. I cut everything I could. And still the rent kept going up and up and up. Next I was going to have to cut nutrition. Then I would have had to use my savings to pay my monthly bills. Bachelor suites are going for well over $1000, and you're lucky if it includes any utilities. It would have to be a roommate situation, but with that you really don't know what you're getting. I could run into the same thing I have now, or worse.

Also, does anyone have advice on how to coexist in a shared living space with someone who won't even speak to me? We have to cross paths sometimes. 😟