First, I want to think everyone ahead of time who takes the time to read this lenghty story. From the bottom of my heart I am very grateful to anyone who can give me advice. My husband and I have been married for seven years. We have three children. The problem starts back to the beginning of our relationship in which my husband developed a serious drug problem. He put me through pure H#ll. He even spent alot of time in jail. This continued for about three years until we split for almost a year. He wouldn't hold down a steady job. He lied all the time; he was never home. When we got back together it was based on the condition that all this would stop. Now I can proudly say that for the past four years he has been clean and he even still attends NA meetings. He swears that he will never use another drug. He has had the same great job for the past four years and never misses work. He is the best father in the world and loves his kids to death, whom also love him very much. In all reality you would think that I have the perfect marriage now but..... Even though my husband is everything now that I wanted him to be years ago I'm not happy in my marriage. I love him to death. I would absolutley die if anything happened to him but I'm not in love with him. When he had the drug problem he was verbally and even phycially abusive rarely. He did and said things that I don't think I can ever get past. We still occasionally fight and when we do all the things that have happened in the past always come up. When we do fight it can't be a little disagreement it's a war. He is still verbally abusive. So in essense when it's good it's really good and when it's bad it's really bad. I don't blame all the problems in my marriage on my husband and I don't want to make him sound like a bad person because he is well intentioned most of the time. I'm very unhappy and he is too, he tells me that everytime we fight, but when things are good he acts as if theres no problem. We fight in front of our childrne occassioanlly. I do know that my relationship is not healthy and I have made my mind up that I want a divorce. I want out of this marriage more than I want anything else i the world but..... I am his support. He depends on me for everything. I'm like a mother to him rather than a wife. He has no social life or anyone to fall on but his brother, I isolated him from his friend because they contributed to his drug habit. My biggest fear in the world is that he will hit rock bottom since I've been taught that drug addicts usually relapse at a time when they are under considerable stress. I think his world will be turned upside down if I leave. I'm almost certain that he will go back to his old lifestyle. My kids would be crushed because they have a very strong relationship with him. They would absolutley be heartbroken. But I'm MISERABLE. Neither of us are in love we are married out of convenience and we just tolerate each other. The differnence in him and me is that he's content with this and I'm not. I'm so miserable that I cry every night while he's asleep. I don't want to live another seven years this way but I can't accept the consequences of divorce. I could never live with myself knowing that my actions have made him the person he will become. Knowing that my actions caused my children to loose their father. It's not fair to him either. He deserves to be loved in a way that I can't love him too. I've tried to make myself fall in love with him again and I can't. So do I live the next years of my life unhappy, miserable, and with regret so that my family isn't ripped to shreds, or do I stay in this marriage for the sake of my husband and children. I don't think I could ever be happy knowing that my husband is a drug addict and that he will never pick up the pieces of his life and move on because I left him. The guilt of watching of him sink will probably kill me. But why do I have to live my whole life making sure he stays above water. When I chose to have kids, I made the decision to put their happiness in front of mine and they are content. Am I being selfish? I can tell you almost beyond a doubt that this is the way it'll play out. I've had people tell me, who don't know my husband, that maybe he'll surprise me and pick up the pieces and move on but I'm sure he won't. If I felt like I could leave now and he would meet someone else, keep his job, and make a life for himself then I woul already be gone. Please help me I'm drowning in misery....
