WildChild

My first thought: Get yourself into counseling to give yourself the strength. If you are not in Alanon, do it for yourself and for your children's sake. Your husband should be receiving the support needed through NA or AA.

Question: Is his verbal abuse onsetted because of being a "dry drunk"? Those who know longer use, however have tendencies of when they were using? Or is his verbal abuse something that he has always had within him?

Second question: Can you imagine yourself in 20 years? Do you want to see yourself like this then? 20 more years of this?

I don't recommend staying in the marriage for your children's sake. It's "normal" to try that once you realize the marriage isn't working the way it is supposed to, but not for years. Also it wouldn't be fair to the children if a you stay in the marriage and try to "pretend" the marriage is good for their sake. As adults I think it would bring more confusion and hurt when all of a sudden their parents are divorcing when all the time they have had believed their parents were happy.

If you are both unhappy in the marriage, would it come to such a surprise to your husband that you want out? Although you love him enough that you don't want to see him relapse, who's to say that something else won't cause that?

If you both decide to stay in this marriage, then my next thought is marriage counseling. You have a lot of past issues that need to be addressed before either one of you can move forward successfully.

I believe everything in the universe is connected to each other through their Kai, Chi, etc. quote]

 

 

I concur Some people don't believe in past lives but I've had two experiences in my life where there is so much connection I believe we had to have known one another in a past life. One is a female and the other is a male. Both situations we know what the other one is thinking, what they are about to say, when they feel pain. A complete and total connection, to the point of being eerie. The gal was a classmate of mine who I had been friends with for some time through mutual friends. The more we hung out the more we both realized this connection we had. We both believe we had to have known one another in another life, possible as sisters or twins. We see each other rarely now (live in different towns) but the last time I did see her, when she saw me she burst out in tears the second she saw me and asked what was wrong before I could even say "Hi". Little did she know I was trying to save my marriage: my husband was having an affair and wanted a divorce.

 

My second experience is with my bf. It was an immediate connection to each other. Both of us felt like we knew each other from somewhere but really had never met. We too know what the other is thinking, finish each other's sentences, will know what the other person is about to say. I believe he is my soulmate.

 

So yes, I believe you can have a connection with someone you barely know and very well feel like they are your "best friend" because of such a strong connection.

There are many people who understand where you are coming from and who have been in the same situation where everything seems wrong. I have been where you have been and I thank God everyday that I was not successful. What seemed like a dead end in my life actually was a bump in the road. Had I been successful, I would not have experienced the wonderful life I have now. Some days were worse than others, but once I was able to work through my thoughts, I realized that there are so many things that I would miss out on if I decided to end my life. Things that are unexpected that bring joy into your life. Today may seem meaningless, but what about tomorrow or next month or next year? I realized I don't know what the future holds and asked myself: Do I really want to give up the opportunity to experience happiness again? Miss out on life's experiences that bring happiness, joy and strength? I urge you to find someone to talk to. I realized that the people who I could speak easiest to were the ones who did not know me, who hadn't been involved in any of my life's mishaps. They were the ones who could be unbiased and listened the most without trying to find an answer for me. It is never worth ending your life, ever. You were brought into this life for a special purpose, everyone is. You may be the answer to somebody else and you don't even know it. Again, please call someone, walk into a church or counselor's office, something! YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT AND YOU OWE TO YOURSELF!

Here's another question, is the sensation as great with a condom on? Obviously health comes first (no pun intended lol) but will it be as enjoyable? Maybe using ribbed or textured condoms?

OK, so let's say I have a disease (I do have a clean bill of health though) but let's say I had one not knowing. He contracts it unbeknowst to either of us through vaginal sex or he got it from another sex partner. Then when we have anal sex and he cums, I obviously would then contract that disease, correct? But, can we create our own disease? If we're both clean, then is it safe for him to cum during anal sex?

I know this is going to sound like a dumb question, however curiosity is killing the cat. Am I to assume that you can only contract a disease if the guy has one? And if he doesn't then there is no chance of diseases? I know that you aren't suppose to jump back and forth between anal and vaginal because of bacteria, but I'm not sure about cumming during anal sex and diseases. New and naive to the experience...

Well, a little update on where somethings stand. Between work and being gone I haven't had much time for personal time on the computer.

With the advice you guys gave, I broached the lack of sex issue in a very nonchalant manner and in casual conversation. In return, he explained to me that he is trying hard not too keep his guard up but in so many words he is afraid of getting burned again (he ended a 14 year relationship about a year and a half ago). This may explain his lack of or seldom affection? As for the porn, I haven't pushed that issue at this point. If he has been going to the sites, it is not evident in the history on the computer and he very well maybe deleting it out. Past experience has taught me you only get better at hiding lies once you are caught if indeed it's not something a person wants to change. At this point, I can only rely on if he is continuing to do this, I hope guilt is at least getting to him when he looks at me.

I have really taken to heart all of your advice/comments and given myself a lot to think about. I know in the heart of all hearts he is a good man. I have children from a previous marriage and he is very kind to my boys and has told me he loves them. There is some major soul searching to do and decisions to make with my future. Maybe for the fear of getting burned myself, I send out contradictory messages and actions to him without realizing it. I do know I keep my guard up and I think that spills into my line of thinking. I do know that I am afraid to invest more time into this not knowing his intentions with the porn/sex/affection part. The latter I expect is my responsibilty to be patient with him for respect of his feelings and emotions. The porn/emails aspect is where I freeze up on whether or not to give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't doing this anymore. I would feel horrible confronting the issue if indeed he has stopped, but I do know I would feel more horrible if more time passes with us as a couple to only find out later that he is just hiding his indiscretions better.

One of my favorite quotes is 'Don't make a wishbone where your backbone should be'. Now it's time I guess to pull myself up by the bootstraps and start deciding. UGH! Feel free for more thoughts

Hey guys, thanks for all of the replies. My nerves are pretty rattled right now as I know he is home and I won't get there for at least another 3 hours.

We met 9 months ago and hit it off immediately. After about a month and a half, I was getting the feeling he wasn't into having a serious relationship and I wasn't certain either so we ended it. We still communicated and occasionaly I would stay at his house knowing that he was dating around, as was I. He did have sexual relations with this gal, and I knew it. I can't say he was lying, however he did have a lot of "half truths" about it. I on the other hand dated, but was not sexually involved with anyone (he was actually the first guy I had been with in 1 year...dated a lot, but not a "sleep around sally" lol)

Back in March, we just got back together. He didn't pressure me about it and I didn't pressure him about it, it just happened. I guess I knew deep in my heart we eventually would be back together. Many times I have called him to myself my soul-mate because we are sooo much alike and think alike that we had to have known each other in another life kinda thing.

This is the first time in 9 months that I have ever yelled at him or shown any open anger. We don't fight. But, the sex thing has me very frustrated and I guess the other morning pushed me over the edge. He really is a good man, but I can't seem to get past that he shows little desire for me in between. That's why this sucks. I know that in my eyes we have hit a brick wall.

I agree though, I don't think he would like it all to well if it were me, I know he would be jealous. Plus, he knows that I never turn him down. I laugh cuz he knows that it's so few and far between anymore that when he does want it, I'm not gonna say no LOL as I will, but it's actually sad cuz he has me between a rock and a hard spot...turn him down next time and it'll be another 2 weeks

Hi, I'm new to the forums but have a very similar question that I see has been posted on more than one occasion.

My bf and I are living together after having dated on and off for the last 9 months. Although I know that he has "chatted" with other women when we were separated and suspected he got into porn sites, I recently discovered that he for certain does goes to these sites. In all honesty, I do not care that he goes to them, I even told him that and I wish we could do it together sometimes. (I believe 95% of men do have an interest in this and it doesn't bother me.) However, he denied it, and then lied and said that he does not go to these sites, challenged me prove it and when I could, he got up and walked away and continued to deny that he goes to the sites. Going through the history (which is how he challenged me), I know that he is on these sites not only when I'm not home, but when I am home. More disturbing to me, is that these sites are live web cam sites for interacting. When I went to download pictures we recently took, I came accross downloads on the computer where he can listen and watch porn and has a picture (like an actual snap shot photo) of a girl naked from the waist down in the "received files" from like 2-3 months ago when I already was living there. He has in the past (when we were first getting back together) told me about and showed me pictures of girls who sent him half naked pics of themselves.

The problem for me is that I'm lucky if we have sex once every week or two. He works out-of-town and comes home on the weekends. Anytime, and it is not an exaggeration I try to initate sex he turns me down and rejects my advances. We have sex only when he wants to. He shows very little affection towards me in or out of bed, and most of the time "pushes" me away when I do show him affection, whether it is sexual or not. I have tried to talk to him about it, sometimes jokingly and sometimes seriously and he shuts me out. Outside of this, he treats me very well for the most part.

I try to keep my appearance in tact to keep me attractive and because I feel attractive. However, it has made me feel insecure and I know that is unattractive. Today, he received an email from a gal from one of these sites. I feel bad that I came accross it (and will not let on that I did), and don't want him to think I'm snooping because I'm not. In addition, he keeps a 8x10 photo of his ex g/f in his computer desk drawer. He knows that I know he has it there, and still keeps it there.

My question, is this: Since I've made it known to him that I don't care about the sites but that it bothers me that he goes to them when we barely have sex or that he hardly touches me, is this considered cheating? If we had sex more often, it wouldn't bother me. However, when I can't hardly get him to touch me, let alone experiment, and he is going to these sites where anything goes, that tells me he's not satisfied and is getting his kicks elsewhere (even though he tells me I please him in all ways). We had an argument about it before he left this week, it was my birthday and he still wouldn't have sex. I know that this is a huge problem for me and I told him before he left that I could not live like this and keep being rejected. We haven't spoke since. He is coming home today and I really am nervous. I'm afraid it will either be over between us or it will again get swept under the rug like he always does. I'm not into game playing so I don't want to start giving ultimatums. However, I know that I am young, attractive and a very sexual being and don't want to be with someone who would rather have cyber sex than be with me. On the other hand, what a sad situation if we broke up over sex. However, what about the pics girls are sending him and emails from these porn sites? How is that not cheating? And I guess how do I tell him I know about this? Or do I?

Anyway, thanks for reading and listening. Your comments are well accepted.