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Basicboybria

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  1. So BU was last week. I made another thread about it so I won't go into detail. Couple of months into 10 month relationship I was made redundant from my job. I was embarrassed and hardly confided in anyone, just my partner and my parents. I live far from my parents so in the day to day after redundancy I turned to my partner for support way more than my parents. This started my downfall into becoming reliant on my partner. I stopped hanging out with my friends, stopped turning to my close friends for support. I didn't realise back then but now looking back, I felt like I needed her and without her I'd be unhappy. I smothered her by wanting to fix things whenever we disagreed about something, even if she asked for a couple hours of space. I let her take the lead for nearly everything. I hardly stood up to myself. I got down about my job situation but I did get another job that lasted for 5 months until Covid-19 happened. The field I studied in and work in can be unstable but greatly rewarded if successful. She ended it with me last week, basically gave up hoping that I'd be the man again that she first met. My downfall put stress on us, and made her unhappy. She still loves me but she needs to be with someone that's got their sh*t together and can be strong in times of trouble and difficulty. As I said, I was that but not anymore. I've returned to my parents as I've neglected friendships, and the friends I could hang out with near my place I can't because of the coronavirus and I need company. I'm missing her. I hate who I became in the relationship. I want the old me back. I only have my parents now, I feel so alone. Part of me wants to move to a more stable career path. Last couple of days, I've been stuck between wishful thinking and believing in what is right in terms of her. All she wanted was the old me but it took her ending things with me to realise that. I've started reaching out to extended family and I've felt better by doing it. Then I reply to my ex (couple messages a day back and forth) and then feel like I've taken 1 step forward, 1 and a half steps back. For someone who offered friendship and messages me questions, why just read my reply and say nothing. I know she no longer has to do anything for me, but in the space of a couple of days I'm getting a warped view of the kind loving girl that never did wrong and always supported me. I've had plenty of relationships to know how to handle breakups, but the coronavirus has made things so much worse for my recovery! I feel like she's already moved on but is that possible after only one week? I mean she told me she loved me but can't ever see me changing. I was her first love and she hardly dated before me. Or am I just overthinking it all? I just wish I could know how she's coping so I know I'm not the only one suffering from the breakup. Struggling right now and feeling very low.
  2. First of all, bumping this. It's all a great read, some great stories. First of all, I live by the mantra that if you don't shoot then you you'll never score. But I'm risky like that. Anyway, two years ago my ex broke up with me because she no longer saw a future with me. I was needy and putting her in a pedestal, it killed all her attraction and respect for me even though she loved me. She just didn't believe I would be the man again that she first met. For the next few days after BU, I'd say 4, we were texting only 3 max messages each side. Some days I begged, some days I asked how she was - it was clear to say that every text I sent was initiated by me and from a place of NEEDING her back. I even wrote and sent a letter on the 5th day. I know, it's pathetic. A couple days later, after asking her if she got it, and then a blunt reply from her that she had. I realised this isn't getting me anywhere so I said my goodbyes and wished her well. Three weeks later I had myself a new job interview that was near her flat in the city (this was coincidence as a lot of Companies in what I studied in are that area). I text her the morning if she fancied catching up over a coffee after that interview. Later that day she replied that she's got to work late but can go for a drink after as she's having a few with some new colleagues of hers. Later that evening I meet up with her, we talked about random stuff (she had a new job within the three weeks out of the blue), and with alcohol involved, I stupidly went back to hers and we slept together. I left the next morning, we messaged back and forth for a few weeks not seeing each other, we then got back together for 6 months until my job took me to another city the other side of the country and we ended. When I texted her about meeting up, of course I still missed her, can't get over someone in 4 weeks if there was love. But for me, I didn't go into wanting to catch up with her with the idea of reconciliation, even though a part of me wanted her. I cared about her and wanted to know how she was doing. In the 4 weeks between the break and seeing her, I focused on myself, even in those needy first few days, and knew that if I was ever to see her again, I'd have to feel confident and be able to handle the possibility of her declining to meet and not let it damage me. It all depends on the circumstances. For me, she has always been stubborn, struggles to swallow her pride. She never reached out to me, I reached out to her. Sometimes the dumper can fear reaching out because of their guilt of hurting/breaking your heart. But if you can speak to them from a place of confidence and respect (and this confidence isn't faked just to try to get her back), they will notice it and it can throw them off, and once they're thrown off, then the balance has shifted. Please take my story as one example, it's not a rule book or a blueprint. It's my experience and nothing else. Some form of space is important. They need to miss you, know what life is like without you. From my experience, the more constant you were in each others lives (lots of communication over phone / seeing each other lots) then they'll miss you quicker because it's more noticeable. I don't like the No Contact label as it's too commercialised these days. Scrap whatever amount of time anyone says, because every person in the planet has a story which is different than anyone elses. Just let them miss you for A period of time. If you want to protect yourself and never get hurt until you're over your ex, don't reach out until you're over them. If you want to reach out before you've moved on, prepare for rejection, anything else is a positive, and don't try and picture how it plays out before it actually does. At the end of the day, only you know what's right for you. Until then, these stories and experiences serve as exactly that, other people's stories and experiences. For what it's worth, only you can decide what is best for YOU.
  3. I replied to her message. I told her the break up was best and that we both need space to work on our selves. I wished her the best and said goodbye. She replied thanking me for understanding, and that to tell her when I'm going back to my parents. (I think because as she knows I'm in my flat alone during the coronavirus and she doesn't want that for me.)
  4. I know people change, I get that. Sometimes people don't change in a relationship, but their opinion on if someone can handle things changes because if their actions. In last two days, two friends have told me two different stories (one about them, one about a friend they know) that their relationships and break ups played out similar to mine, with my friend being the dumpee, and the friends friend being the dumper. My friend didn't get their partner back, but my friends friend did. Apparently the ex of the friends friend a couple of weeks later after breakup reached out and spoke to the dumper about what they did wrong and became needy. She took him back, worked on things slowly and they have been together for 5 years since, so these things do happen. Sometimes people give you a chance to correct your wrongs, sometimes they don't. For me I won't be reaching out to her. I may regret it now hearing the stories from my friends, but also I'll probably be concerned if I do, that it'll just damage the memory of us even more. I just wish I didn't abandon my friends as I ended up focusing fully on my ex. I didn't speak to anyone but her for some days, and I only spoke to her about deep stuff. In terms of the job thing, where I live, there's not a lot of options because of the coronavirus. And before then, when I wasn't in a job, I was applying everyday. My ex gave me so much support and help.
  5. I get all of this, I do. And what I wrote out just then wasn't to get her back. It was for me to vent to myself and my friend. So you don't think that people change in relationships, not always because its who they are, but because they let slip of who they were, and because of their actions outside of the relationship?
  6. She admitted I pushed her away and that she no longer respected me like she use to as I stopped handling situations like I use to. This was her main case throughout the breakup. I don't know why I didn't listen to it at the time, I've realised it now.
  7. Just had a great call with a friend where I have vented and I think I've seen some clarity. When me and my partner were together in the honeymoon period, we were fine and dandy. Of course there were disagreements and needing of space, but we worked on those things and it was fine. When we moved on from the honeymoon period, we would still have disagreements or need space, but now I felt like I had to fix things. Several things led on from this. The more I tried to fix things, the more pressure I put on us. This pressure led her wanting space for an hour or two, which I then saw as her having a problem or doubt about us, rather than her just needing a breather or to vent to a friend. Me trying to fix this pressure that was caused by myself drained me, it was of my own creation unknowingly at the time to me. It consumed me, and I put all my energy into it rather than speaking or just reaching out to my friends. She no longer respected me because I was so keen to fix an issue that to begin with wasn't big, but I let myself believe it was a big issue. She had people to speak to about it while I didn't speak to anyone, which she knew by me admitting it several times. As things went on, we still had our 'love bubble' as she called it, but if we disagreed about something, I made it a bigger issue by instantly trying to fix it, rather than accept that people can have different views, and it doesn't matter, especially for insignificant mundane things. This brought back the pressure that I put on us and her. As my actions had already caused her to lose respect for me, she no longer respected my decision, and by this point, I think she started having doubts. With every time I felt the pressure that I subconsciously knew I put on her, I would ask for reassurance. It's hard to keep on reassuring someone that hings are fine when they are creating the issues and won't let you breath. And I can admit I didnt let her breath. With no respect for me, she no longer saw a future with me. Men who are strong and confident in how they handle situations or struggles are respected. In the honeymoon period I was that man. She saw that man again when I took control, and was calm and collected on a stressful situation that we encountered with our holiday - she even told me herself she loved seeing that. But apart from them situations, she didn't see that man for long enough durations, only glimmers. She told me that she struggled with communication, but in fact shecommunicated really well what you needed, I just didn't let her have. I put a lot of pressure and negativity on her shoulders, and she just couldn't handle it anymore. If I spoke to my friends about any worries I had about anything, job, life, love, then me and her wouldn't have ended when we did, maybe not at all. I bottled up any thoughts I had, shook that bottle really hard and sprayed it over her, when in fact, the thoughts in the bottle never should have been bottled up. My actions caused her to give up. She loves and cares for me still to ever admit it, she'd want to protect my feelings. That's the girl I pushed away. For the first time since writing anything down following the break up, I finally feel at peace.
  8. I'm honestly not holding out hope. I just want to understand. Don't know why people are assuming I'm being needy. I want answers, not her.
  9. For me I just want an opinion from someone that doesn't know me or her, as I know I won't get an answer from her, and my family and friends will want to protect me so their answers will, and have been, protective some what. I'll be honest in saying her actions from the break up and up till now are different than her words to me, especially during 'the talk'. I've been raised on it, and there's a reason the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' is so universally known. All I know is that if I didn't pull the NC message then she never would have, and that me pulling it is hurting her. She's always struggled with swallowing her pride, her words herself and her actions in the past have proved that's a big issue for her, it consumes her. She said her brother is the same, just can't admit they're wrong. There were a few rows in our relationship where she couldn't admit she was wrong, when we both knew she was. It doesn't matter if she wants to reconcile in the future, want me as a friend or just ask how I'm doing, the fact I mentioned NC means she'll never be able to message me. Her pride is her biggest obstacle, this may sound mean, but I find no pleasure in saying it. I hope for her she can work on that as relationships are all about knowing when you're wrong and being able to swallow your pride. I think I'm finally realising some of the issues that we had.
  10. I should have made this clearer. She brought this up first in the breakup before any other reason, before I even said anything, so wasn't a clutching at straws thing or anything because the breakup had only just started. Her last words to me on the breakup was how we should still talk and be friends to help each other for the next week or two. She only told me yesterday that talking isn't best anymore because I told her it wasn't best, it was very clear she was happy to talk everyday since the breakup due to her texting and the fact she told me she wouldn't like me to cut contact with her. I've given up hoping for anything in the future, I'm just curious and need closure. One thing I've learnt is that closure is healthy and helps a lot.
  11. The advice on here has been what I've needed to hear compared to my friends and family, as everyone on this forum is brutally honest which is what I need. It's the morning after and I feel better than yesterday. There's some things which I still don't understand in the break up and wish I knew why she said them. She gave several reasons why we weren't compatible due to how I apparently replied or acted when people in her circle would ask me about my job. I remember those times as clear as day and I didn't act or reply in the way she said I did. I told her this, she went quiet and got embarrassed, then said that she was mistaken and wasn't sure why she'd say that. I know that the above and the other questions I have are all dust from the bomb of the breakup going off, but I still want to understand. I would love an opinion from someone here, not so I get my hopes up, but to get that closure. I want that closure for some of the weird things she said in the breakup then I can move on. If that means the closure comes from opinions coming from here then so be it, as I'm not reaching out to her for them. On another note. On the phone she requested that I should reach out to her in 2-3 weeks time. If that time comes around and I'm in a different place other than okay to do it then I wouldn't anyway. Is this something I should do if I am in a good place then?
  12. I already knew the answer, I think I just needed the validation that it was the right one which has been answered. That was my problem throughout the relationship, I needed validation from her at times. I don't think she liked that, she liked it when I took control of the situation and led rather than be led.
  13. And I expect the damage you mean is how I acted in the relationship. I don't regret ever replying to her asking how my evening was hours after the break up, as a big part of me wanted to be kind and polite. I do regret letting my emotions get the better of me since that message, and it's a great to have learned if a scenario like this ever happens again.
  14. I know I've probably done the damage, but even if I haven't, I expect the best thing to do is not reply?
  15. And I'm concerned that people think that her last reply was from a place of harassment due to how I described it so I've left it here below. "I think you’re right, it would be best for both of us not to talk. It wouldn’t be a good idea for us to meet and that’s not what I want. I still care for you and want to know you’re okay but I understand that not speaking is the best way for both of us to move on. I don’t see a future where we get back together as I still feel secure in my decision to break up. We had great times together but that doesn’t mean we were right for each other."
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