AndieA

I would like to share some words that were in a reply to a post I wrote. To me they are very profound, and may seem obvious to someone who is not in the middle of a confusing, or an emotionally unbalanced relationship. Be brave and ask! It is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he [or she] does for himself [herself]. ....LostandHurt You have every right to ask of your partner anything you feel you need to know, to decide whether or not you want to still continue the relationship. If you are wondering about something in the relationship, ASK!

Thanks, I appreciate that. I am under no delusions. Like I said earlier, he is a ruminator like me. He may say things in the course of a conversation that he really didn't think through and come to other conclusions with more thought. If I know anything, I KNOW he will tell me that he could never love me, wants love and will cut me loose, or he is on his way to those feelings with me and to continue as we were. I am prepared for the former, hope for the latter. I will update on this thread.

Maybe the question should be why would he stick around for so long if he is not in love. After all, if he is faithful, I have the man I love. Maybe being in love himself is not what he needs.

Thank you again and you have assessed the situation very well. You have a wonderful world view shaped by your experiences.

This is the most beautiful and encouraging words I have ever heard. Thank you for this and for understanding. You have no idea how much this means to me! I sincerely hope you find the best course for you.

Rainbowsandroses, Yes I understand this possibility. It could happen whether he is with me or not. It will hurt now, or it will hurt later. Knowing myself, it won't hurt any worse later, so I am willing to take the chance on him. I appreciate your observations!

If we are still together by the time he would relocate, then yes because he would obviously be committed to the relationship for that length of time.

Actually I had no expectations. I did not tell him to obligate him.

He has said that is not in the near future, but has always been his dream and is in his plans.

Batya, I cannot dismiss anything you said about his feelings and intentions. Knowing him he is giving this serious thought and it is possible he may tell me in the next few days that it won't work and he doesn't want to drag it out for me any longer.

He did about 4 weeks ago and I said I would (and that is true). At that time I did not know it had been a dealbreaker in a past relationship.

I guess it is hard to get the flavor of a conversation onto type, but it wasn't "I don't love you, I'll never love you, there is no future." Remember, I asked him about his feelings, he didn't spontaneously tell me these feelings with the idea of ending things. At our age, there are ties that can keep people together besides being in love, like companionship and compatibility. We'll see in this case if that is enough. Looking back to when I first posted, I realize now my biggest fear was losing him completely, not whether he loved me or not. If he is not looking elsewhere and won't be as long as we're together (his words), I can stay.

Nice to hear about people my age finding love. But really, I wasn't looking and won't look if this ends. The meeting was happenstance. We live in the same condo complex and I was walking to the tennis courts. His dog rushed me (friendly) and we talked a bit. He said he played tennis and would like to play sometime. He had just moved in. He looked like he was younger than me so I didn't give it a second thought. Saw him again a few weeks later and he mentioned tennis again, so I gave him my number if he ever wanted to play. Why do I stay if there is no future? Because that isn't ruled out at this point (his words). And if it ends, I won't be looking as I wasn't looking when I met him. I was happy and busy with interests, being single.

Yes, you are right. 🙂 I am okay with the status quo.

I don't feel like I am settling, as I was not looking for anything when we met (I had a wonderful almost 40 year marriage), and if eventually doesn't work, I won't be looking for anything else. We are compatible in so many ways and enjoy being in each other's company. So at this point, yes, the benefits outweigh the downside.

That is a good question. Is that a possibility. What do the men here think? It actually happened that way with my late husband. At this point I am willing to take that gamble. I do not believe I will be any more hurt in the near future if it doesn't work, as I will be now if we ended it. Context: I was not looking for a relationship when I met him. I was very happy with my life, I had had a wonderful life with my husband. I have several interests which keep me busy in my retirement. If we end it, I won't be looking.

We had the talk. He said he is not to the point in the relationship I am, then said I was his complete package, but he does not love me. He still maintains that he is a very private person and just does not talk about personal relationships with friends and family. He wants to figure things out, I didn't know this but before he met me he was in a 5 year relationship which ended because he has a life long dream to move out west and she wasn't going to move. Whether his feelings will deepen for me he does not know. But we will maintain what we have, which is what I want also. The important thing to me at this point is he is not looking elsewhere, I am what he wants, we are exclusive and very compatible (his words). FWIW his honesty is very refreshing.

I have never heard that!

In any interaction between 2 people, I think it is always best to be direct and ask. Passive aggressive is never a good way to communicate.

Thank you for this, I will have this discussion upon his return.

You are absolutely right. I will do this. Funny how I couldn't see this as clearly as you stated it.

I am a widow of almost 6 years, I was 64 at the time my husband died. When 60ish men asked me out, it did not appeal to me. I felt more comfortable with men older than myself. So now I have been dating a man almost 7 years my junior for almost a year and am really falling for him. We are so compatible. We are together all the time and enjoy each other's company. Nothing has been verbalized that we are exclusive although he has said things like, in the course of conversation "if you decide to break up with me...." and has referred to me as his girlfriend and to himself as my boyfriend. The red flags are that he may be embarrassed by my age, he does not introduce me as his girlfriend, e.g. when I met his brother. He has said that he wants to introduce me to his mother but that she will make such a big fuss about it he just doesn't want to deal with it, "yet". He talks about us in the future even at our ages. He is going to be gone for ten days and I decided I should tell him that I love him. I figured, if this was too much for him to deal with I would have a ten day start on getting over him. He said "I love you too" but it seemed like that was a knee jerk reaction. He also said he knew this was coming and that is was alright and okay that I told him how I felt. That is what I am curious about. Is that a good or bad thing, "I knew this was coming"?? He did say he would miss me while he was gone. Sheesh I am too old for this!! I don't want this teenage angst LOL!