Blacksheep24

I first discovered ENA when I broke up with my ex-ex and learned a ton, so perhaps I can give back and share with you all my experiences in case it might help anyone :) I’m a long-time lurker and this is my first post. I have two stories: an unsuccessful one and a successful one. Unsuccessful Reconciliation with the ex-ex: - My first serious rs. Dated for 11 months, broke up because he became irritable and got mad at everything I did and I was overly attached. He changed all of a sudden into this angry person when he was really kind before. I thought no contact would make him realize how patient and nice I was with him because he’d get mad at really weird things that made no sense (I can give you examples but it’d make this post too long). Cried, begged, and pleaded for 1 day and went straight into NC. - No contact for 1 month and then I initiated contact with an excuse to bring up a past memory - Since then he would initiate conversations just to ghost me (learned what breadcrumbs were!). Sometimes it would be a really straightforward “i miss you” text, but some other times it would be just an excuse to talk which isn’t as obvious to what the intention is. - I learned not to respond to breadcrumbs and started to keep my responses sweet and short. I stopped initiating any contact and tried hard to move on and date others; however he started to show up at hang outs with my friends. - After a few months, at one of our hang outs, he came and kissed me and asked to reconcile (we drinking btw), just for him to take it back the next day! This happened again a few months after this btw. I totally lost all respect for him after the second time. I asked him both times why he changed his mind and he said he missed me and the break up is hurting him but his brain tells him that we are never going to work out. This all lasted for 1.5years after the break up btw. Successful Reconciliation with the ex: - Dated 14 months, broke up because he has ADHD and was unreliable, and I was irritable and got mad a lot. - I acted pretty cool and gave him the break up because at the time I was kinda fed up too. - My parents got COVID just 2 weeks after and he got nervous and started contacting me and my friends to ask about what’s going on, and even went to the hospital to pray for them. He said he still cared but it wasn’t love. Told me that because he didn’t want to give me false hopes he said. Honestly did not give me any false hopes because of what I went through with my ex-ex. - Told him we shouldn’t contact each other and stay friends, and by this time I went to see a therapist because I became a total wreck. Worked on my anger issues, started to read the bible and pray a lot and really told myself I would change. Kept track my emotions and had an anger log. - We werent in contact for 1-1.5months so he started to contact my friends to ask how my family was. One of my friends (who is in a relationship with my other friend) responded to his messaging as an opening to something romantic because she was in a rocky state with her bf. Anyway, my friend (the bf) found out and went nuts and told me, and I went nuts too. - This made me initiate contact to ask what happened (i know not my business but still did it lol). Thankfully at the time he just ended their relationship because he didn’t think it was right. We started talking about us and talked about our issues and what could be done differently. Told him I had been working on myself and how I really am changing not for him but for me. I also told him what he can work on for his own life and future. It’s weird because I said the same things to him at the end of our rs and he didnt listen like he did this time. Took a 2 month break for him to hear me out. He was really impressed and told me someone like me is indispensable but still no feelings, so I then told him politely we still shouldn’t be friends. - However, he kept initiating contact after that until one day I asked him what he wanted. Turns out he wishes to change too and for me to wait for him until he does. I told him that if we were to do that we’d have to be exclusive because I wasnt going to wait around and potentially get myself hurt. - We began talking everyday for about a week until he told me he wasnt sure if he had enough feelings. I suggested NC for a month and he agreed - But he texted me 2 weeks after to wish me happy birthday. I was getting a lot of texts that day so I only responded the day after. Apparently he kept checking his phone lol and when I finally responded he asked to meet up and that was it. We’re back together and that was 2 days ago. - We are trying our best to have open and honest conversations about everything and to speak up and talk calmly when something’s wrong. Going slowly and praying that this will end in marriage. Conclusion: From my experience, I think there are two parts to a reconciliation: the brain and the heart. NC works for the heart to miss and want you, but you need to convince your ex logically that you’ve changed and that the issues you had wont repeat. Identify your issues and work on it. Even if your ex can’t see your changes, it doesn’t hurt to be a better person! (Sorry for typing so long but I hope it helps somebody. Don’t think I’ll be on here for quite some time though. Took quite some effort to come back and post lol yes most people don’t come on ENA when they’ve reconciled/moved on.)