I was born with Klinefelter's syndrome and my mom raised me as a boy. I always felt out of place, and when I turned 8 I started having dreams at night of me being a long-haired girl and going to school like a girl. However, I was terrified of telling my mom then because I thought she would killed me. At school they were all calling me anti-gay slurs and I didn't understand why. I never felt gay. It was very painful and stressful, I had to hide sometimes because I was afraid the other kids would beat me up. Later, like around 12, those feelings of being trapped in the wrong body grew intense and it starting showing up on the outside. My mom, who have always treated me bad, started treating me worse. She used to tell me that she hoped I was never born, and to die 100 times. Everything from worm to clown she used to call me. I ran away a few times, but I was taken by the city and I didn't like to be in a group home with no privacy. Furthermore, the city wouldn't help me with the treatment I needed to transition from boy to girl without my mom's approval. So I had to get around that as soon as possible because puberty was about to strike, and I didn't want to develop into a man but into a woman. At 15, I was very effeminate and it was very difficult to get a job, so I resorted to prostitution. I got so depressed and felt so worthless that the money I earned I wasted it on ecstasis. The third time I got caught and was jailed for nearly 8 months. That was hell! Some people thought that being jailed was somehow going to turn me into a man, but it didn't.
My mom, after everything I did, still couldn't get it. She wouldn't accept me, and her verbal abuse continues till today. Now I don't stay shut like I used to when I was a kid, I have lost respect for her. I am very frustrated and resent that because she didn't want to help me when I was young, my live will be much more difficult forever. When you are transsexual, the younger you start is the better because of the virilization effects of testosterone during puberty. And just because you refuse to help your child, doesn't mean they are not going to go out there and get what they need at whatever risk. That's exactly what I did, but unfortunately I couldn't afford to do it all the time.
Now I am 20 and my live has become senseless. My relationship with my mom is just as bad as before, but I have no money to leave the house. It's nearly impossible to find a decent job looking like a girl your id says male. There's alot of bigotry out there, and unfortunately I am very sensitive to it. Imaging having people scream at you, and laughing in your face. If this happens in New York City, what can I expect elsewhere? Never before have I contemplated suicide like I do now, and I need advice.
