I have been maried for about 2 years now. I love him so much. I know he loves me, but he doesn't treat me with any respect. When we are having sex, it is never just about us. It is always dirty talk wanting some one else, some girls to join, some guys, or even animals sometimes.
At first I thought, well whatever, it is just fantasy. But lately more often than not he is asking me to do things he knows I don't want to do. I don't mind a but of group sex or asking other people to join sometimes. But sometimes I want it to just be about us. And when we are alone, he is pressuring me into certian things. I want to make him happy and satisfy him, and I know that some people have different fetishs, and thats cool, just I hate that when I say no, it never just means no.
I have been on pain pills the last few months, due to a back injury. And so I often have a hard time sleeping because of pain so I take the pills. The thing is they make me very sleepy and somewhat out of it. And there has been several occasions when I have woken up and I am naked ( I wasn't when I went to sleep ) and he is doing things to me that I would rather he not do. Including some things with animals. I hate this. He knows that I do. I get depressed, feel badly about myself, self injure, just to name a few things that follow when he has me do that.
He likes to put me down durring sex. He always calls me a dirty little (well you can guess). I don't mind dirty talk sometimes. But it is the way that he says it. He also has rape fantasys. He likes to grab me and force me, and slap me around ( sometimes really rough ) and also when he does that he says that I am a dirty (well you can guess) and he needs to punish me and make me take my medicine so he brings in the dogs.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I really hate having sex with him anymore. But he says he is horny and needs it all the time. But it is never just sex. It always leads to more. I have problems any ways with sex. This being due to sexual abuse as a small child, and agian as a pre-teen. When we were dating, I told him all about it. One of the things that hurt me the worst was that when I was abused, I was made to preform sex acts with animals. I told him how this hurt me. I wish so much that I had never told him this. He got all excited by it. I mean he was telling me it was all ok, and he was there for me, but I know him. I know when he is horny. And that made him horny. I was just a baby for some of it. I don't know why he liked it. But ever since I told him he has been intrested in sex with animals, rape, and even mentioned some things about with children.
I am worried that he will do something. That he will hurt someone. I have asked him, just don't hurt a child, please don't put them through that. Don't rape someone. I told him that if he needs to get it out, because as he says he is to horny to control himself, just do it to me. I can take it. I learned a long time ago how to deal with someone using you. I just don't want him to hurt anyone.
I don't know. I am just sad and depressed. He is sleeping right now. I just got done cutting myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am tired. I just want to sleep. To just go to bed and not wake up. To not feel dirty, and guilty, and worthless anymore. I had a bad childhood. And when I was little, I would pray that God would bring me a guy that was sweet and would treat me good and love me. I though that I had found that in him. Now I just pray to make it to tomorrow. I would just settle to be treated decent. I don't even care about the rest anymore. I am just tired.
