I know that I am needing some solution since I am absolutely crazy now. I surfaced out of being miserable for one week, and dont want to go back with living with nothing except my misery. This time I will live that way with a baby tugging at me.
My husband and I cant get along. We've been married for a year and a half. We have a 13 month old baby. He is in the military and about to get out. While we were dating, he went off to Bahrain to support the war in Iraq. When he left, I found out I was pregnant. When he came back, we got married. Since the baby was born, I have been miserable on and off. Post partum depression was the pits for me. All alone without family because they live 3,000 miles.
I don't mind being a mother. I love my baby. I just hate being married. The compromise...I seem to end up being the underdog all the time. I have nothing here in Texas. No job, No friends & I just go to school. My husband keeps a firm grip on his money and wont share. He'd rather invest all of it. Retirement funds... Mutual funds... sounds good. Meanwhile, my hair is growing out of its hair cut, and I dont have money to get a haircut. Oh my, we argue all the time over money. I dont have any of it and he has it all. Im going crazy. No outlet. No friends. A girl can sometimes go shopping to unleash the stress. Not me.
He and I argue all the time. Not always over money. During Thanksgiving break back home, he went out with friends at 4:30pm, and didnt retun until the next morning at 7am. This isnt the first time he doesnt come home at night. I flipped out. In his parents house, I screamed very loudly at him. His parents didnt seem to care that we have conflicts like this. Meanwhile, I feel like my whole being was chipped away, and now Im just some person to kick in the face everyday. My mother has been here for a week, and she made me feel back to life. Treated me to a salon visit. Im back to putting on makeup. Being a little more happy. Last night, the misery came back. I wanted to go christmas shopping and had to drag him out becuase he is the only one with money. I wanted to buy earrings for his sister. He made the whole trip miserable. I shared my feelings with him. He doesnt care. Im miserable again.
I cried last night. I cried because I feel completely beaten up in spirit. I've been working since 14 years old, I grew self sefficient because i was working and able to support myself. Now since giving birth, I have chipped away from the self sefficient person I was once to a person who have nothing left of herself.
When I cried last night, I prayed to God to let me die. I am no more of a person here anymore. Just unhappily married and only 24.
