Outcast-Angel

i don't think that i ever came to this forum to get better.. i think that i came here because i needed help letting go. don't get me wrong.. this is a great organization, and the people here are all very supportive and positive and inspiring. but that's not what i needed.

i've been considering suicide since i was 14.. that was the first time i attempted it. unfortunately i was so bulemic, that i filled my stomach with pills, and then puked most of them up. so all that happened was i passed out for about 12 hours. when i woke up and wouldn't go downstairs with the rest of the family, my mother came up and told me to stop feeling so sorry for myself, because it was pathetic. since then i've been putting it off, because i told myself that my hockey team needed me, and as long as someone needed me, it would be worth it, as long as i could make one person's life better.. but now no one needs me. i can't make anyone's life better, because they never listen to me. after the fact they come to me and tell that they should have listened to me, but the next time thy ignore me again.. i can't even play hockey anymore. that was the only thing i was really good at. and it's gone. people always laugh when i tell them that hockey's the only reason i'm still alive.. but it was. it's nost like the past 5 years have gone by without other attempts though. i've got scars running down and accross my forearms an wrists along the veins from more attempts than i can count. i've found out that i can take 13 extra strength advil and still wake up the next day. i've also found out that getting hit by a car doesn't actually hurt all that much, assuming they swurve, to try to not hit you, and slam on their brakes. and suicide by asthma? doesn't work too well if your friends are around.

you all say that life is such a beautiful thing. but i've yet to see it. all i've ever seen is harsh reality with the odd glimmer of something so perfectly beautiful it actually hurts to look at it too long. like a girl with badly done make-up and clothes too big or too small.. but with such mathematically perfect features, that for a moment you don't notice all the man-made flaws. until she opens her mouth and speaks and you see her for what she really is.

you say i haven't given myself a chance.. 5 years is more than enough of a chance. you try living like this for 5 years, and all your memories of your life before that point bitterly disappointing, and unloved, and so horribly different from everyone else.. a complete freak. try growing up believing it's not alright to cry, and then feeling like bawling your eyes out every morning and every afternoon and night of every day.

try holding everyone else's lives together when your own is in shambles around you and you just want it to be over.. try to be the steady rock for them all. when your own foundation is crumbling so very quickly.. it's like drowning. and the beach is full of people, but no one notices. or if they do, they can't be bothered to throw you a rope. see how long you can hold your breath for..

and then try being so afraid of being ok, because you don't know what it's like anymore, that when one person does offer you a way out, you tell them nothing's wrong. and you lie so well that they believe you. a trained professional believes that you're absolutely fine. your best friends believe that you're happy holding them above the water, while your head's below the surface.

it's still hard to let it all go though. but i think i've got it all sorted out now though. i've only got 3 more letters to write. plus the general note to everyone else.

I've started writing my goodbye letters.. i know that nothing i can possibly write to my family and friends will take away the hurt that i'll cause them. but i'd like to leave a little explination to them.. and to tell them i love them. that this isn't their fault..

i went out to see my friends last night. i felt like crying the whole time i was with them. i'm so worried about them.. i know i can't help them though. i can only hope that they'll take something from what's going to happen and grow from it. i have 8 letters to write. plus one general note for the others.. so i figure i'll OD on saturday night. dad won't get home until about 2 or 3 in the morning, cause he works late. and nikki will still be at her boyfriend's place. i feel bad for the timing.. dad's trying so hard to get the work on the house done before winter.. i don't know what this'll do to him. it kinda makes me want to put the whole thing off till the basement is finished..

thinking about what kind of hell i'm going to put my family through makes me so uneasy.. but the thought of living is even worse. why am i even writting this all here? i don't know. maybe a small part of me wants someone to save me. that's what the logical part of me says. but it's a really small part. and the rest of me says... that i should erase this post. cause someone might interfer.

i'm even worried about my cat.. he's the one creature that's always there for me. i don't want to abandon him... i don't think he'll understand. and no one can really explain it to him. he's like my baby.. i hate hurting people. i always have. but i can't take it anymore.

i don't want to become dependant on any sort of drug.. besides, i couldn't even remember to take my birth control pill, or my vitamins every morning. i'd never remember to take something i don't even want to take every day. i really don't think i would take meds for a heart condition, i don't care if i die.. and for headaches.. it takes like 6 advil to get rid of a headache. so i usually don't even bother.

i don't even remember what it's like to feel ok. i mean.. even when i was a little girl, i know i used to cry a lot. it's hard to believe that things are suddenly going to get so much better like you guys keep telling me. in fact, i honestly don't believe it. the world sucks for people like me; i don't belong anywhere, i don't think i'll ever be able to live up to any of my dreams or anyone's expectations.. i don't think i'll ever even be free of the hurt. i can barely get through a 4 hour shift at work (which i actually went to today) without having to find some quiet corner to SI, just so i can go back to work, and deal with people. even now, my wrists feel like they're crawling, and i want to cutcutcutcutcut. i feel disgusting and stupid and terrible, because i know my friends need me because they're going through a hard time right now, and i've been blowing them off because i can't deal with their problems anymore, and i can't wait to get home to my knives. which i know doesnt really help. at all. not if i'm just cutting. not if i can't just make it all stop.

If you've picked apart your feelings so well then why not share them with us so that we can try to help.

 

Sappho...

because, to be honest? i don't trust anyone to let them in that much. the last person i let see even part of it used it to pick me apart and break me down. which i know, sounds kinda paranoid.. but i am. so it should. i'm not sure that i even want help anymore. maybe i just don't want to get better. i can't tell if i do or not anymore.

i can't/won't go to a doctor or psych. they'll either put me on meds or lock me up.. i don't agree with meds. i won't take them. i refuse to be dependant on any external source. and i'll never agree to being hospitalized. i've already picked apart, and analyzed every thought and emotion i have. i can explain exactly why i think and feel the way i do, but i can't change it, i can't make the feelings go away. there's not even any point in me going to university; how can i help people in a psychological capacity way if i can't even help myself? i always promised myself i'd deal with this all myself. if i can't even keep a promise i've made to myself.. how can anyone trust me? how can i even trust me?

Christmas has always been horrible in my family anyways... maybe it'll cause some pain. but maybe it'll do more to fix things than i ever could do alive.

i just don't think i can keep holding on, trying to make things better anymore. because nothing i've done has worked. it doesn't matter if i'm in a relationship, have lots of friends or just a few, love my job or hate it, spend time by myself or with people i care about.. write out how i feel, or keep it to myself. it doen't matter how logically i think things through. nothing seems good or fun. the first thing i think about in the morning is killing myself, the first emotion i feel is just so much hurt. i've been skipping all my university classes because i can't bare the thought of going anywhere. i've been skipping work because i don't want my boss (who is my friend) to see how depressed i am.. i want to quit school, stop giving myself any sort of excuse to keep trying and looking for reasons to live. i won't go to the doctor. why not, you ask? what do i have to lose? whatever self respect i have left.

i don't know how much longer i can keep going. the only thing that makes me feel better for even a little while is SI, which i've started doing again on a regular basis. or by starving myself. which really only gives me a faint sort of twisted feeling that i can still control my life. which is a crock.

i just want to figure out how to say goodbye to the people i love without giving any sort of warning sign. which i know is probably pretty much impossible. but i want to make sure that my little sister gets my grad ring, and my jewerly box, and that Steph gets my black cross necklace, and that my claughdagh ring goes to my friend, Cooper, and my snake and scorpion rings to go to Rae-annon.. i want kate to have my Cranberries CD's, and i want my hockey equipment sold, and the money from that to go to my dad. but i also want everyone to understand that i don't want to hurt them, or make them sad. i just can't do it anymore. i've been struggling with this since i was 14. i don't want to feel like crying all the time anymore.

ok, so i really appreciate everyone who responded, and i just thought i'd let you know that, although i'm still freaked out and my stomach hurts a bit, i'm ok. i don't think i'll be going to the hospital because honestly? i'm terrified of them. i'd actually pretty much rather die than go to one, and talk about the stupid things i do, and my failures.. i promise i'll get it checked out when i go for my checkup in a couple weeks, although i won't say that i'll be completely honest with my doctor.

i feel like such a hypocrit, because i offered advice to someone else here on how to recover from bulemia... how can i possibly help someone else fix something about themselves if i can't even fix it in me?

RayKay, thanks so much for being kind. you probably think i'm being stupid. and i am. but fear doesn't make for a logical debate partner. besides, what if they wanted to hospitalize me?(can they still do that?) i've got university. i can't miss classes, mid-terms are coming up.

don't let yourself be alone when you eat, or right after you eat. even if you're just in a restaurant with a book, by yourself. eat slowly. get used to sitting for a while after you eat. if you're by yourself, and you've eaten, take a nap for an hour or so. think of anything but the fact that you're eating. if you really feel disgusting on the second day, go to the gym, or for a run, or practice dancing.. work off the food instead of taking the easy route. that stuff helped me for a while. good luck, and take pride in the fact that you want to stop, and to get better.

Don't forget that you can always contact me if you need to talk, or i'm sure a lot of others here would be glad to help you if you aren't comfortable with talking to someone in person.

ok, first off, i should probably explain that i am anorexic/bulemic. and before you go off into a big speach about how bad that is, trust me, i'm aware. and i was recovering, but i just can't. i'm not ready for it. but yeah. since i've started relapsing this time, i started puking up a little bit of blood when i purge. but this time it wasn't just a little bit. it was a lot. does anyone know just how bad that is? i mean, obviously it's not good. but i don't know if i should be calling the hospital or not.. if i can get away with not, it would be good. because going will stress me out like crazy. but um, yeah. just a little scared. any help at all would be appreciated.

Can anyone tell me why they self injure- cut, brand, scratch, burn, headbang, o.d., drugs, drinking, anything related to any of these things? I cant exactly put a finger on why exactly i do it, and I would like some advice.

1) it takes the focus off emotional pain, and lets you focus on the physical. it's a copeing mechanism.

2) it's a form of punishment. yes, some people feel the need to punish themselves. Why? lots of different reasons, depending on the person.

3) to make sure you're real. i used to dissasociate so badly that i had a hard time telling what was real and what wasn't. as long as i could bleed, and feel pain i could tell that at least part of what i was perceiving as reality was actually real..

4) suicide attempts. or how you work up to suicide.

5) avoiding suicide. sometimes hurting yourself can actually bleed off a little bit of the anguish you feel, makng suicide seem less like the only option left to you.

6) it's also a control thing for some people.

i know i've probably missed at least a dozen reasons that people would like to personally express. but all i can really say is that people do it for different reasons. there isn't really one answer. but you could check out some books on the subject. they're really actually very interesting. good luck, i hope i've been of some help!

i usually stick to black pants and a black tank top with a sweater or jacket of some sort over top of it in the winter, my red and white converse shoes, and a black skirt/ black (or red, posibly dark green) tank top/t-shirt in the summer, with my black sandals or (for the bar) my hooker boots. i know, it's a lot of black.. but colors are too bright, they make me look dead. besides, black can be classy! i don't like following all the latest trends, they come and go way too fast, and most of them suck. i'd be all over it if corsets were to come back in though. those are hot if only my seamstress would hurry up and finish the ones i ordered...

oh wow... look, i babbled. sorry!

Just because you aren't extremely thin doesnt mean your disorder isn't hurting you. These things happen in our lives unfortunately and you can either let them make you or break you. How strong are you? How much do you love yourself??? You don't seem to really want help and until you look yourself in the mirror and face your life and accept it for what it is you'll never recover.

i know it's still hurting me. i mean, i can't even work as hard as i used to in pactices, last time my coach really pushed me i actually fainted. which is not normal. i keep having to lie to people, and i hate it. i've always tried to get better for other people, because personally, i don't really care about me. maybe i can't get better till i do. i just hate to fail at something that should be so simple. i want to get better, but that's only so i can help my friends, because i know i'm no good to them like this. it's like being half a person.

~Scar

I have told people, although not any professionals (i'm absolutely terrorfied of doctors. it takes me like a week to get up the guts to go for normal stuff, like a sprained ankle.) my friends don't really do anything, or if they do, i end up telling them i'm better after a while because they get so worried and stressed out over it. my bf knows, but aside from asking every now and then if i'm hungry, he doesn't do or say anything.

i don't really look anorexic with shirt on, so most people can't tell. i know i'm not fat or anything, i mean, i'm an athlete, and i'm naturally pale. so everyone writes off if i look a little extra thin or pale. i know that the magazines aren't real, and the photos are all airbrushed, and the make-up's done by pros. i don't expect to look like them.

i think what triggered the whole thing is that most of my family was a little overweight when i was little, and i developped a fear of getting fat.... and then when life got really messed up, that was the one thing i could control. now, i usually just slip back into my old eating patterns (or the lack thereof) when i stress out, and with my brother in and out of the hospital due to heart problems (my grandma died this year from a heart attack) and my grandpa going in to the hospital for blood clots, my dad quit his job, my friends just in general being drepressed, and me finding out that i have to go get checked for cancer every 6 months because my doc's found some abnormal cells... it's too much, and i never really talk to people about my issues so i have a hard time coping with the stress.

~Scar

i've been dealing with anorexia for about 5+ years now, and i was doing so much better, until about 2 months ago. then, suddenly i just couldn't eat anymore without feeling so sick afterwards, i actually puke without sticking my fingers down my throat or anything. for the past two weeks, i've hardly been able to eat anything, but even if i don't eat anything, i've still been puking. my dad now thinks i'm pregnant (i'm not) and i don't know what to tell him to make him stop worrying. he doesn't know about my eating disorder, and i really don't want to clue him in on it. but at the same time, he's been making getting better hard, because he's been obsessing with his weight and fitness. any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

~Scar

try grabbing a red marker instead of a sharp object. draw lines where ever you want to cut, and if it gets really bad, hold an ice cube to the place you've drawn lines. there's no perminent damage that way, but it'll still cause a little bit of pain. i admire your effort to stop, and that you're able to reach out for the help. good luck, and believe in yourself!

~Scar

SI isn't exactly the most "sane" copeing method, but it does make some people feel better. i know that it calms me down, and stops me from doing anything worse, such as ODing on painkillers or drinking myself numb. people cut for a lot of different reasons, and it can become an addiction. which is why so many people have trouble stopping. there are lots of sites with info on SI if you really want to try to understand the behavior.

~Scar

don't worry so much about size, if a guy is too big it can actually be pretty painful. just make sure you know what you're doing, and no chick will care how big you are

~Scar

BellaDonna and Raykay both had very good points. i understand your need to control your weight, and to punish yourself, but this is definitely not the way to do it. i've had an eating disorder for almost 5 years now, and it's not even a choice anymore. it takes a lot out of you, and it makes everything harder to deal with because you just don't have the energy to cope with life, not to mention the many health problems that can develop if you have an eating disorder.

Try writing out your anger, or take up boxing or another physical activity. you can control your weight with exercise and a healthy diet, and you'll definitely find that you can cope with life's everyday problems much easier. i know that the last thing you wanted was another post urging you to reconsider your decision, but please do try some other way to accomplish the same things "fasting" is supposed to be.

~Outcast-Angel