Outcast-Angel

No matter how deep you cut the scars will always heal, but the scars that last are ones inside of you.

i don't think that's exactly true.. i'm fairly certain at least a few of my scars will never really go away. just get less red. but you've got a good point about finding something like angry music and boxing. it makes me feel a bit better, too. but that could be because i always split my knuckles when i box.

not being able to stop the constant flood of horrid thoughts of hate and self-loathing. not being able to tell what's real when i'm alone, and having to watch if others react to things to be able to tell if i'm hallucinating or if there really are bugs, and blood and snakes and severed body parts in the streets and on the floor, or on the walls. hurting all the time, for no apparent reason, and that stupid hollow feeling. or just being so tired, and afraid of everything that i can't function. or not being able to look my nearest & dearest in the eyes because all i can think about is how my wrists are just itching with the need to slit them.

I won't force feed my advice on you but if you are 'there' , I KNOW the way out but it's up to you whether you want to get out or not.

Quite frankly, I can't imagine NOT wanting to get out of 'there' ...It's a living HELL! which makes me wonder if you really are having one or not because nobody wants to be there and you seem reluctant?

It's never too late to talk to a doctor and never to late to ask for help, but you have to make that decision yourself, I cannot make it for you..

if he's been "there" for that long, the idea of being anywhere else can be frightening. after all, it's the only thing he's known, been for almost a decade. it's probably become a bit of how he defines himself, and you're asking a person who's on the edge to give up everything that feels likes a security blanket, and do more soul searching than he's already done, which can be a very painful process.

timboo, i wish you would hang in there, and get better. but in the end, the choice really is yours. please just take into consideration Dako's story, and the story of everyone like him. they're proof that things can get better, and i think that that ought to give you at least a little bit of hope, despite the differences you might point out between yourself and them.

you should be congratulated on hanging in there for this long and surviving everything you have. i just hope you've still got enough strength to reach out for help at least once more. good luck hun. we're rooting for you.

Isn't there some small satisfaction in finding someone to communicate about this who REALLY GETS how it feels? People who don't suffer with this try to help (bless them) but they really don't have a clue what they're talking about. Then when you finally find that person who REALLY KNOWS, well, there something poignantly bittersweet in that. I truly don't want anyone else to feel like me, but when someone does, it's almost miraculous, and a tiny bit less lonely.

odd, i don't find that i'm any less alone, even when i'm talking to someone who gets it. i just feel worse, because they're hurting (or have hurt), and i know there's nothing i can say or do to make it just stop, and be better, the way so many people here have said it will get.

Thank you RayKay, for the lovely compliments, and for explaining this to blueangel better.. and to MG, for adding your opinion, and a further explanation.!^_^

to blueangel, i thought that i should add that it would have been polite to at least read all the replies people have made to your post.. you might want to consider how it makes people feel, knowing that you deemed your time to precious to waste reading their replies to a post you started. granted, maybe you didn't have time to read them all. but you might have mentioned that you were pressed for time if that was the case, or made no mention of the fact that you decided to ignore some posts.

when I'm depressed, I decide to take HAPPY actions. When you ACT happy, you THINK happy and if you do this enough, you ARE happy. The best way to do this for yourself, is by doing it for another.

that's a crock. i can act completely happy, and everyone will believe that i am. but inside, all i can think about is the the next time i'll be alone long enough to slit my wrists. when i'll be away from everyone so that i can cry my little heart out. just because something works for you, and/or a few others, doesn't mean that it'll work for everyone. no offense, but your posts have actually made me fairly angry. you make it sound as though anyone who doesn't believe as you do, or succeed where you have is wrong, or they aren't trying hard enough. bravo for you, because you are feeling good about yourself. that's an awsome thing, and your faith in god and yourself is what helps you, that's cool. but i think you need to open your eyes a bit to the fact that not everyone thinks as you do.. and it's not a bad thing that they don't.

self-hatred, anger towards others that i don't express, frustrations, to prove that i'm real, to stop hallucinating, to give myself something other than emotional pain to focus on, to remind myself that i won't live forever, to calm myself down, to forget everything.

sweetheart, he left you because his current girl lets him do drugs. he picked up a bad habbit, and got sucked into it, and the lifestyle that goes with it which means that he lost the best thing in his life, you. you can get your life back on it's feet, you just need to take a few moments, think about what you enjoy doing, and persue it. i know taking that first step to feeling better is hard, but it's worth it. there will always be guys for you to date later on, when you feel ready. i know you feel like your ex was the only one that you want to be with, etc, but i think that the person you're missing is who he was. he's not the same person you loved. he's changed, and i'm not sure that you'd like who he is now. so take it slow. there is reason for you to live, people care about you, and you effect their lives whether you realise it or not. i'm sure someone looks up to you, even if they've never said it, or you haven't noticed it. think of all the lives you'll touch just by being who you are; think of how if you were gone, there'd be an empty spot in the hearts of everyone who knows you. you're not alone, people do love you, and care about you. please stay with us.

whoa, lulu, hang on for a minute. take a deep breath. you don't need to find a new bf right away. you need to redefine yourself, find out who you are in this chapter of your life. because that's what this is hon, just the beginning. please don't end your life. there are all sorts of suicide and crisis lines you can call, pretty much no matter where you are. grab the phone book and look one up in your area. think about your dad, and how much he'd miss you. how much your mom and sister miss the happy you. i know life seems desperate and flate, and stale and a million other things right now. but remember good times with your friends and family. those good times can start happening again, no matter how dark your world seems right now. just keep talking to us, we're here for you.

why did you say that you ruined it? you didn't give him the coke, and you certainly didn't make him take it. he did it behind your back because he knew that you wouldn't like it, because you love him, and you don't want him to get hurt. the fact that you love him so deeply even though he's made mistakes shows that you are a very loyal person, and i admire that.

as for your career, you can build one for yourself. and with that will come money, and a stable financial future. i'm not saying that things will be better right away. anyone who promises that is a liar. but it can get better, you just need to take baby steps. give yourself something to look foreward to. start planing a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go. make one night a week your girls' night out.

and if just giving yourself time hasn't healed at all, maybe try talking to a psychologist. you seem to feel guilty about the way things turned out, and you definitely shouldn't, as far as i can see.

oh sweetheart, i know you're hurting. and you might not believe it right now, but you just really don't need a guy like that in your life. i mean, he was lieing to you. he does drugs. and he's been sleepng around.

i think you just need to reconnect with who you are. not half of a couple, one whole, beautiful, smart, caring woman. someone who has her life in front of her, and nothing to stop her from doing whatever you want to do in your life. please hang in there, talk to us. vent about whatever you need to. ask as many questions as are rolling around in your mind. and just remember that we wish you well, and hope you talk to us.

It just is beautiful. You know how a person who has a tattoo thinks that it's beautiful? Or a piercing? It's the same sort of thing, except it's with pain.

i think it actually has a bit to do with masochism. i love getting pierced, or getting a tattoo done. i find getting something pierced always gives me this natural high, ever before i actually get it done, where as getting tattooed soothes and relaxes me. and when i cut.. sometimes it's to release emotions and pain etc. but sometimes it's just beautiful. the exact shade of the blood, the level of control you have over it. it's also the horomones your body produces kicking in, to give you that natural high, that euphoria.

don't get me wrong though. i hate my scars. for me cutting isn't about the scars. it's about the pain.

thanks! i'm very glad that you found it interesting

~O.A.

Other Side of the Mirror by outcast-angel

Can't feel the pain

Don't want to see things clear

'Cause I know it isn't pretty

What's on the other side of the mirror.

Why do they tell me lies

When all I see is truth

It's a confusing mix

Light on Dark, Dark on Light

Reflected back in my eyes

From my heart, echoed in my mind

It's like permanent replay

Of a song I just can't stand;

Every morning and every night

I can't let me feel the pain

I can't afford to see clear.

this might just be me, but i prefer silence, maybe a bit of moaning over the profanities and slapping blah blah blah that comes with sex...call me boring but i'd rather make you smile with my body and not my voice.

ditto that. don't tell me what you want to do to me, you're wasting time, and ruining the element of surprise.. but at the same time, there's nothing quite like that sweet, breathy little moan some women give.. that, and i find most profanity and certain slang terms to be really vulgar, and a total turn off.

Great and effective way to channel your feelings. I love it, I can relate to a majority of this poem.

oh, hun, i really hope that no one really can relate to this poem.. it's about an ex of mine. very bad relationship, and i wouldn't wish one like it on anyone. but.. i suppose that if it applies to something else in your life, that's.. not exactly good either. unless it gives some sort of comfort or something. i am glad that you like it though.

oh, look at me babble. ciao!

~O.A.

Very nice, I love how everything in this poem reminds me of life...

 

"tied to a boulder of responsibilities

Expect me to surface"

that one really hit home. the overwhelming responsibilities people will put on you, and expect you to be successfull with each and every one. Great self-expression!

it's not even just the responsibilities people expect you to handle.. it's how they expect you to be a certain way, because of who your family is, or the way you dress.. it's just so hard to live up to it all. and if you don't seem to be the ideal child, everyone constantly pushes you to be that perfect miniature of whoever they want you to be. and the drama that ensues if you don't even try to be like everyone else.. they might as well execute me. because it'd be more merciful than their blatent disappointment..

thanks though, i'm very glad that you liked it..

~O.A.

wow, thanks.. your office sounds pretty much evil though..

thank you.. and you're right, that's exactly what this poem was.

i feel for you, i have trouble sleeping as well, and whenever i do sleep, i'm plagued by nightmares, and often wake up crying. a friend of mine suggested that the crying is due to refusing to deal with certain emotions while i'm awake, so it comes to the surface once my guard is down. it makes sense to me, perhaps you're doing the same? as for being able to fall asleep, i'd recommend drinking a cup of ginger tea with a splash of lemon juice and a teaspoon of honey added. it helps me get to sleep a lot. and it doesn't leave you feeling groggy in the morning, which is a definate one-up on any sleeping pill.. whenever you feel like crying, try writing down how you feel in a notebook, and try tro reason out why you feel like that.. write down the things that have been bothering you lately, whether it's that your hockey game didn't go well, or that school's stressing you out, or that you can't find your favorite sweater. but also, write down the things that went right, despite the things that didn't. like, if you lost your game, analyse it and decide that you made this play or that shot just right. or that maybe you've improved, and can almost get it perfect. ^_^ hope you feel better soon, and are able to get some real sleep.. once you catch up on your Z's, things will seem a lot more attainable.

~O.A.

Dripping in the dust by outcast-angel

Cut me open, watch me squirm

do you understand the blood

dripping in the dust, on the ground

in this graveyard of hope and promise

Strip me bare, inspect the imperfections

conclude i'm a freak and shove me under

Drown me in the rules of society

berate me with laws and expectations

Let me go and see how i float

tied to a boulder of responsibilities

Expect me to surface, disbelieve when i don't

proclaim that you don't know

Where i went wrong, how i've failed

exclaim over it louder so you don't hear

My last words echoing up from the waters

"i'm sorry"

that's totally cool that you have a firm grip on your own writting style^_^ cudos on that! i agree, raw emotions do make for the best poetry.

Chills. Your writing gives me chills. I love it.

your comments are always a pleasure to read, shysoul. but you are inflating my ego

Thanks everyone. I have my ways of getting back at people without being evil, its all about karma *chuckles*

 

And dont worry shysoul, i havent got any rope ready lol. Im quite a calm bean! smiles*

 

I usually vent through poems so to be fair, im not really fussed anymore.

 

Thanks guys, neva x

i agree, normally karma does take care of things in the end. but sometimes you do just have to step up and give someone a piece of your mind before they'll stop being so cruel to you. who knows, maybe you can even get them to start thinking about why they feel the need to take out their problems on you. maybe you aren't the only one they verbally abuse, and all it'll take to make them stop is just one person dishing it right back at them.

it's good that you have a way of venting, and are then just able to let go of the issue. an admirable trait!^_^

Thanks alot that means alot to me...not many people I can talk to lately. Especially my dad, if I even hint at any "thoughts" then he takes me to my doctor...

steven, there are lots of people on ENA that you can talk to, myself included! i know that sometimes parental units are hopelessly blind to things, as well as having a talent for being deaf to certain words.. but i suppose ignorance really is bliss, right? especially if they just don't know how to react, or how to help you. it is good that he cares enough to get you medical help though.. i've been told that it can be a good thing. i personally avoid them like the plague.. but that's just me. and even i am aware that i should be seeing them more often.

but um.. your poem was really amazing. personally, i thought the second stanza was more powerful, i absolutely adore the part that goes

"Tries to give me one Last chance,

One Last dance, I have one Last stance,

To find purpose and meaning,

To halt my grieving,

My ****ing mind is so deceiving!

I feel like leaving"

i was right there, felt anguish and anger, a tinsiest bit of desperation.. the sadness, and loneliness.. but em.. yeah^_^

the only things i'd change are a)you used "hurled" twice to describe an action.. i'd avoid doing that, cause i'm sure you could find a more powerful way of saying essentially the same thing. and b)it doesn't flow very well at some parts.. i know, it's super hard to get it to just flow, i have a hard time sometimes, too. best suggestion i have is to just read it outloud to yourself. where ever you pause even for a second, that's where a new line should be. and don't worry about punctuation so much..

not that you have to take my advice.. you didn't even ask for it. but um.. good work! and i really hope you're feeling better soon.. i'm glad that writting this made you realise how much you still want to live!

~OA