ParisDreamer

Back to day 1. This time I'm not counting down til 30 days til I can try to reach out with you so that we can get back together, as you made clear on our last phonecall that there will never be a me and you again. This time I will be counting 30 days to try and begin to get over you. You were my first love and we had 4 special years together. I believe it will take at least 2 for me to get over you. I have never cried so much in my life as I have tonight. I haven't just lost the love of my life, I have lost my best friend of 5 years. How can we go back to being strangers? I just wish I could stop crying all day, and I wish you missed me as much as I miss you.

End of day 6. I broke no contact. He left his google documents open on my ipad and there was a document there named after a girl who I believe he is going to now date after me. I texted him saying I hope you're happy together. He keeps avoiding the question and is being so horrible. I wish I could die

Day 6 of NC. I woke up today feeling like I was about to sick. It felt like I was waiting to get on a rollercoaster, or collect my A-Level results. It hasn't subsided. I don't know why it's there. I think the stress of getting these essays due in on time isn't helping, but I just can't concentrate on them. I claimed for impairment today as this break up has affected my work, hopefully my claim gets accepted. Still questioning WHY you would do this at the most SELFISH time. I am so angry but I need you. Love is a ing drug and I'm over here feeling like a crack head, refreshing my snapchat every 10 seconds just to see if you'd seen my snaps yet. Just text me tell me you're sorry. Tell me you think I'm beautiful. Tell me you were wrong. Take this all away. Because I can't cope without you.

Day 5 NC, 1 day since I had to reply to a text as he was worried asking if I'd been trying to hack his facebook (I hadn't). This is excruciating. I am now failing my degree. My deadline is tomorrow and I still have 7000 words to write. I can't concentrate as I keep checking my phone, waiting for him to call me. I want to find a distraction outside of doing my degree work, as it only makes me feel more depressed, which wastes time and ultimately hinders my essay progress more. I WISH I could go 1 minute without thinking about him. It's impossible. How can he find this so easy after 4 years together. Am I that disposable?