Clarabelle

The name of your post says it best. If you want to be free, and get off the emotional roller coaster, let him go.

What an amazing story. You seem to be taking it slowly and cautiously, which is wise. I am going through something very similar with my husband, who I booted in April - the same phases as you and your gf. Recently, after feeling like my husband is having his cake and eating it too, I initiated NC again, and I told him why it is better for us for now. I feel much more at peace again - roller coaster is the same term I was using to describe our relationship, and it is good to be off the roller coaster. I don't know if we'll reconcile, and after wanting to reconcile so badly for 4 months, even if he wanted it right now, I would also take it very, very cautiously. But I'm happy for you.

You say in one of your last posts that your own mother gave you up at 4 but you "dealt" - you survived, but at what cost? And now you are contemplating repeating the whole sad cycle again. I do believe you want to do what's best for your child, but I seriously question your reasons for why you are considering giving your own child up. Does giving your own child up somehow make the facts of your own life, and abandonment, easier for you to take, now that you are in the power position as an adult and not a powerless four year old? I don't say these things to be harsh, but you need to wake up and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what you have been dealt - the things you had no control over - and also for the life that you created for yourself, that which you did have control over. You cannot go back to being 15 again! That being said, I know many people who put themselves through law school while taking care of toddlers, started new relationships, whatever - it's hard BUT IT CAN BE DONE. If you need help temporarily, then let your son stay with that relative for a predetermined period of time while you play or party or even better make a plan of action for life about school, finding a babysitter, a good school, a support system for your family. And get into counseling to work out some of your issues about being abandoned yourself. Your little boy will not be six forever, and you will be able to do a lot of things when he's older. But I believe you must stop the cycle of abandonment that started with you, because I believe the fact that your own mother abandoned you has wounded you deeply. Can you really do it to your own child? I don't think so.

My comments are along the same lines as Muneca. First of all, there are many family/adolescent hotlines and service organizations who can hook you up with counseling, shelter, and other resources, and that would be the best place to start. The yellow pages, a local church or the local police station would be places to look for information about such services.

Your father has learned to lock down his emotions as a means to cope, for a number of reasons, very likely because he came to this country as an immigrant and had to discipline himself to swallow a lot in order to establish himself here. Pushing down your emotions inevitably results in explosions. I don't say these things to condone his behavior, only to provide some insight so that you don't blame yourself and can get some healing. Good luck.

If you want to find out if she's okay, then send her a brief and courteous e-mail, text message or card. She will respond if she wants to, possibly in the same format, which is better for you. If she conveys any news that's hard to take, I guarantee you it will be easier for you to learn about it in a letter.

I love funny stuff, esp. when I'm going through tough times. I read the book of essays "Naked" by David Sedaris and I laughed my a** off. I love the movies too. There's nothing like putting your life on hold and sitting in a dark movie theatre. I have been to some funny movies lately. Most of them were kind of dumb, but who cares? I watched "super tropers" and "up in smoke" again at home and I saw "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle".

My daughter is staying at my husband's place tonight and I am so excited! I'm going to do something fun. I asked some of my friends to go to a movie. No one is available - most of my friends are moms now, too! - so I will go by myself. I remember after I broke up with my last boyfriend I spent really nice, low-key time by myself.

I can't believe my husband is finally getting it about sharing the child care and parenting responsibilities. I'm thrilled but I also know I have to be vigilant about not letting him slide. I realized yesterday that this issue is one of our key issues, if not THE key issue. I had a breakthrough in understanding it, too, which in retrospect seems like a no-brainer. For a long time (4 YEARS!) I was just pissed, FURIOUS at him for not sharing the job with me more. I thought he was doing it out of spite or disinterest. When I talk to his mother during these last few months, she always says, "that's the way he was raised, and it's part of our culture. He doesn't know any different" Whenever I heard her say that, I would always say "Yeah, yeah, right" never really taking her seriously. My husband is from South America, the same country as my family, but I was raised here. I thought I understood everything about the way people grow up over there, but I realized I am more American than I thought, as well as the fact that my family is more educated than his is, and thereforeeee more aware about things like women working and the parents sharing the parenting. It finally hit me that, DUH, his mom is right and that he doesn't have the same parenting model that I do. I stopped blaming him for things I thought he was doing to hurt me. And he is finally beginning to understand what I need to be a happy mom.

Nonetheless, I have been using the services of my friends's teenage daughter as a babysitter when I need it. My friend also has a little boy close in age to my daughter, so it's kind of like a play date for my daughter when she has to go to the babysitter.

Don't even worry about it, and congratulate yourself for hanging up!

I agree with Oatmeal.

Also, sometimes people go on a real purge after they break up with someone and rid their lives of everything that pertains to that person. I've seen relatives of mine throw everything into a box or give it away after they lose a love. It's not that you aren't important. Don't think that way at all. It may just be "out of sight, out of mind" for him.

That was sweet, Bader!

What I didn't expect after initiating stricter "NC for parents" was that 1. I would immediately start feeling better; and MOST OF ALL: 2. I would start remembering so many happy things about my husband and our life together before the problems started and all the things I loved (love?) about him. Once I stopped feeling so anxious about trying to win him back, I started feeling real love. I don't really know what to do with those feelings and I don't necessarily need to know. They are a little emotional and overwhelming. I think it's from feeling the loss.

My therapist recommended that I communicate to my husband my reasons for initiating NC so that we are both clear on what is going on and what we hope to get out of it. In an e-mail, I wrote about these above-mentioned things, as well my continuing need for help with our daughter, which started after she was born and is one of the main reasons why we started growing apart. I thought he didn't take my wishes seriously, but his parents told me that besides being cultural (he is from South America) it was much the same way in their house: dad working all the time and mom taking care of everything else. She, too, suffered as a result. So in retrospect, I don't think he's yet capable of anything else, although he has started stepping up to the plate recently much, much more. And I did convey the love that I felt for him.

I don't expect anything as a result of sending this e-mail besides offering him a clearer understanding about my decision and what I expect to get out of our separation agreement.

Thanks, Bader. I appreciate it. I went to my therapist last night and discovered after I left that i had forgotten to discuss medication, and I realized that perhaps it wasn't so important after all.

Also for the first time in almost 4 years, and certainly since the separation, my husband offered to take care of my daughter from Friday night until Saturday noon, which is great. I had to really lay down the law with him and get tough, but he is starting to respect my rules and be a more consistent father, so I get a break! I'm going to do something fun on Friday night and sleep late on Saturday! A real first.

yeah, sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and only she'll be able to figure that one out for herself. I know, because I've been in her shoes!

Oh Raykay, reading that letter had to hurt. I've been reading your posts for a while, and while I've been impressed by your patience and love for this man, I've also wondered if this kind of thing was coming. Your ex sounds like a nice person and he did the right thing by writing you this letter. You have to put yourself first, sweetheart, and cut yourself off from him for the foreseeable future. Of course he'll be happy if you "leave it open". He can't make up his mind. If you keep hanging around, he'll never really have to. It may be, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, he'll discover that his happiness was really right in front of him all the time - but you have to let him figure that one out. Plus all that waiting and wishing must really be getting tiresome, isn't it? Live your life and be open to the possibility of good things happening to you. Trust that life has something beautiful in store for you. You'll be able to start doing that with NC. Good luck and post when you need to.

What is the hardest for me in "getting my groove back" is that I have a child to take care of. Besides the fact that my husband is very slowly (too slowly for me!) learning how to share child care responsibilities with me, I'm not readily able to do the things that I know would help me feel really good - do whatever I want when I want, sleep late, go out dancing, cry all day, go for a jog. Everything requires planning now. The weekends are hard. I'd like to take that time to take care of myself, but I have a little one to think about who likes to play with Mommy, who wants to go to the park, and I often become incredibly tense on the weekends.

Hi, Bader. Thanks for your kind words. Yep...I already did dump the guy, and I'm not going to invest anymore time and energy into "trying to make it work" and concentrate on myself, and on paying off the debt as quickly as possible. I've been fortunate to have picked up some freelance work recently which will really help to chip away at that debt.

I am a strong person, but it's been on for too long (years!) that I'm wearing down under the strain. Working full-time, financial pressures, wanting to give the best to my little girl, not enough support from my husband in terms of household/parenting responsibilities. Someone here suggested taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. I'm starting to think it might be a good thing.

I noticed that my husband and I have a pattern where everything is fine, and we cooperate, and then he starts getting lazy and stressed out, and starts slacking off and also venting on me about his frustrations, trying to make them into my problems. And I get very stressed out and angry when he doesn't help me with our daughter. The end result is that we end up blowing up at each other. The good thing that came out of me blowing up at him this last time is that it made me realize that I wasn't interested in trying to get him back anymore, and that I had to put myself first. Nonetheless, we both have a temper, so we'll (or I'll) have to learn to deal with our explosive emotions more constructively and learn to defuse before we blow up. I think that with time and more "NC for parents" it might get easier.

I'm going to start keeping a journal where I can pour out my feelings about my husband, the good ones that I want to share with him, as well as the bad ones that often create tension between us.

Hi Bader. The drama really started building slowly four years ago when our daughter was born. I lost my job, so we were really in a financial pinch. I was a stay at home mom and my husband started assuming that I would do everything for the home, even though I asked again and again for a break, for help. Every day when he would come home from work he would take a nap and essentially ignore me and the baby. I felt so alone and so in need of help. He was not supportive of my requests because he felt he was the breadwinner. We had to move because my daughter got lead poisoning, to a horrible little studio apartment, and I never had any free time for myself. My husband quit his job. We wracked up tons of credit card debt. I could go on, but the whole point is, that we got stuck in front of a tidal wave with no way to get away from it, no support, no money. It really caused things to deteriorate to weekly fighting.

After six months of drama and contact with my husband who I kicked out of the house in April, I woke up, and I realized what maintaining contact and trying to patch things up with him was costing me. I asked him last week only to contact me if it has to do with our daughter. He called yesterday to talk to her, and we had a friendly chat. I felt compelled to tell him that NC was better and that it would allow us heal in a way that hadn't been possible. He was respectfull and let me talk without commenting much. I had asked him for NC before and he didn't accept it. Now I think he can.

If anything, I think I broke NC by getting into that discussion with him. Since I shifted the focus on to myself, and not to frantically trying to "Make it work", I feel much better. If anything, I can able to feel real feelings of love and affection for him, which I haven't felt in a long time. I'm struggling with the desire to share those feelings with him and explain how I need to get myself back before I can think about what's next. I want to share these feelings, because I'm feeling good, but I have to trust that love and time can speak these things much better than I ever could now.

I agree with Muneca, and I think you're on the right track. While it's great to remain friends, that's a place you'll come to later on. The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to maintain no contact. You'll both be able to get on with your lives, and possibly be able to be friends later on when the dust settles. Good luck.

I relate to your situation, Missy. I kept contact going for months because I wanted him to have contact with our daughter. I pushed for NC at first but he persuaded me out of it...and I wanted to let him know that I was willing to try. I realize that he played his current gf off me all the time to make me feel insecure and dependent, just so he could play with the situation and feel powerful. I was the one who broke up with him, so he had some payback issues. Now I finally woke up. I'm getting a legal separation, and I'm making him stick to a schedule for seeing our daughter. Strict NC is going to be impossible, but I can't have him calling me to tell me he loves me all the time and then vent on me. If he needs to tell me anything, it's limited to things about our daughter and preferably in an e-mail or text message. A friend told me that as soon as I stop reacting negatively to his gf all the time, he won't be nearly as interested in her, because he was looking for the drama. He even said once to me what will happen to me if you go out someone else, then I'll be stuck with someone I'm not even that into - his mess, not mine!

1. 6 years.

2. almost 6 months. A roller coaster. But now I hope with stricter NC (more vigilance on my part) and a legal separation agreement to get off that roller coaster.

I've been using my posts as a sounding board and it keeps me from unloading on my ex. I keep remembering all the bad things that have happened these past few years.

I made it easy for my husband to have his cake and eat it too during this separation, and the result was that our drama and issues continued, and healing could not take place. I was invested in preserving my marriage and making sure that my daughter could have a relationship with him. But as I noted earlier, the amount and the quality of what he had to offer her was erratic. It was making me a wreck, not knowing when and for how long he was going to show up, and swallowing my feelings of anger and resentment, because I wanted him to come back.

I asked him from the beginning for no contact, that it wasn't realistic to try to be friends right away, but he was very persistent about staying in my life. And those of you with kids know it's even tougher to do no contact.

He has not let go of me - by continuing to be in my life, coming over for dinner, taking advantage of my willingness to accommodate him, pursuing me sexually, continuing to call me to tell me that I'm the only one he loves, and that everything else is just "an adventure". I finally called him on it - I said if you love me, then give me proof that you are committed to me, our marriage, our daughter, by leaving your girlfriend and going into counseling. He said he wasn't ready.

A wise friend pointed out that he uses the girlfriend to make me feel insecure and to "stir the pot" so to speak. She said as soon as I take myself out of that equation, that relationship will lose a lot of its appeal for him.

I'm not interested in getting him back anymore. I'm only interested in him focussing on being a good, committed and consistent dad. I decided I would only talk to him about things that relate to our daughter. Unfortunately, we have a sizable debt that we wracked up together, so I have to have some contact with him over finances.

I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer on Thursday to create a legal separation agreement which will make these financial/childcare issues easier to deal with.

Most importantly, I feel like the quality of my life went down when I was with him, and it - the shine, the light - is beginning to come back.

Since last week, no more Ms. Nice Girl. I've been much more firm about limits and schedules with our daughter. It works when you lay down the law and let them know there's not other way.

The other day my husband showed up 2 hours late to be with our daughter. I said, forget about it. If you can't keep your scheduled time, you miss out. I hadn't wanted to do that, because I don't want to keep her from her father, but the quality and quantity of the time he gives her is so low.

During this whole sepration since April he's never come to spend a whole day with her, just an hour here, an hour there. Plus my husband would show up, fall asleep, talk on the telephone, do everything but focus on her during the time he is supposed to be with her.

He was angry when I told him no yesterday but guess what? He showed up today to take her to breakfast and then took her out to play. it's now 1 pm.

On Friday I am seeing a lawyer to draft the separation agreement.

Part of me would like to keep my marriage and family together, but I'm very clear that if I'm not vigilant, my husband will take advantage and I'll be left begging for his scraps of attention for our daughter. NO MORE. It's not good for me and it's not good for her.

My husband has this idea that somehow living away from home with another woman, with no real day to day responsibilities to his daughter will somehow help the situation get better and help our marriage! A friend pointed out that once I stop reacting to his relationship with her, it will have much less attraction for him.

Anyway, I hope that he enjoys spending time with our daughter today and that it wakes him up to the reality that responsibility to ones children is not something to flee, but something to cherish and enjoy - for his and for our daughter's benefit.

I am looking for stability, security, and simplicity. The less I have to argue with him right now about schedules and money, the better. I think the separation agreement (which he resists) will help. Rules and consequences, which he complains about, nonetheless really seem to work with him. I just don't want to be taken for granted, or left hanging, when it comes to child care and support. I'm also going thru some medical/health stuff right now and the last thing I need is more stress.

I don't recommend you go into counseling with her, because it will open up a lot of your wounds in front of her, and that is not going to be good for you.

Ypu said it best yourself - if you're not busy all the time, it starts to sink again. Keep yourself busy with uplifting things so that when you do have those moments of downtime, you are less likely to sink into despair.